General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi folks,
Brand new here and am looking for some relationship guidance.
Here goes....
Met my my g/f 8 months ago on internet. we are both going through divorces. her b/f at the time passed b4 we met and they were swingers. i, however am not. we get along well, the sex life is amazing (every day for 8 months, sometimes multiple times). we also have a great relationship and view alot of things the same way. recently i found some otherwise interesting communications with a friends husband and confronted her on it. she said it was just fulfilling a fantasy they were sharing and told me they kissed on occasion, but it was nothing to worry about. im pretty open minded and am not sure how to proceed with this. I did ask if there was sex with anyone else, of course the expected response. since that time, 7 months into our relationship and the fact i cant get enough of her and she tells me the same thing.... is this enough for me to question our relationship to be strong and there for each other, or am i trying too hard to read between the lines?
is the friends husband and wife swinges as well? I ask this because if they are not she is definalty well over the line of respect for a friend let alone a marriage...and did this mans wife know about the "fantasy they were fulfilling?
As for your relationship the fact that you have had sex every day for 8 months sometimes multiple times a day is great for you guys but i just wonder is this what your relationship is based on? would things change at all if your sex was not so frequent?
as for the swinger thing only you can decide what is and isnt ok with your relationship.
Hi folks,
Brand new here and am looking for some relationship guidance.
Here goes....
Met my my g/f 8 months ago on internet. we are both going through divorces. her b/f at the time passed b4 we met and they were swingers.
First Red Flag!!!
i, however am not. we get along well, the sex life is amazing (every day for 8 months, sometimes multiple times). we also have a great relationship and view alot of things the same way. recently i found some otherwise interesting communications with a friends husband and confronted her on it. she said it was just fulfilling a fantasy they were sharing and told me they kissed on occasion,
Second Red Flag
but it was nothing to worry about. im pretty open minded and am not sure how to proceed with this. I did ask if there was sex with anyone else, of course the expected response. since that time, 7 months into our relationship and the fact i cant get enough of her and she tells me the same thing.... is this enough for me to question our relationship to be strong and there for each other, or am i trying too hard to read between the lines?
thanks...
First. You are better than me, once she told me she was a swinger... i'd would of been out shortly after that if i was looking for wife material.
Second. Whatever you envisioned happening between those 2, just admit to yourself that you got the "watered down" version. See when i'm dating another woman, we together as a couple don't have the freedom to be kissing other people intimately. People have broken up over this, you've seem to have moved past it rather quickly. My whole thing is...tread carefully. Don't get blinded by all that quantity of sex. Her vivaciousness may be the problem itself, she may be used too much of the lovin, especially from other people. She might not be ready to settle just for 1 guy.
You need to know that the sex is likely going to decrease after you've been together awhile. I've noticed that it takes about a year to eighteen months. You go at it like crazy that first year or so..then it tapers off as you move into a different stage of your relationship. It seems to be the normal course of events. Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely.
I would go into this with my eyes wide open. She shouldn't be kissing other men. Not anything past the cheek, that is. The fact that she was open to swinging tells me she might not want to settle down to married life, if that's where this is headed.
Rob is giving you some good advice..from a guy's perspective. I hope you'll sit up and take notice. You could be in for some heartache here, and no one wants that.
First. You are better than me, once she told me she was a swinger... i'd would of been out shortly after that if i was looking for wife material.
Second. Whatever you envisioned happening between those 2, just admit to yourself that you got the "watered down" version. See when i'm dating another woman, we together as a couple don't have the freedom to be kissing other people intimately. People have broken up over this, you've seem to have moved past it rather quickly. My whole thing is...tread carefully. Don't get blinded by all that quantity of sex. Her vivaciousness may be the problem itself, she may be used too much of the lovin, especially from other people. She might not be ready to settle just for 1 guy.
Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. I'm wife material and have been married for 25 years and my husband and I are swingers (occasionally, his "stuff" doesn't work correctly right now, but when it does...).
So just because you are a swinger, doesn't mean you're not wife material anymore than my husband is not husband material either because we swing.
If he's not interested, then he needs to tell her up front. If she is a past swinger and enjoyed it, she's going to want to be a future swinger. Better to get that taken care of right up front or there will be major problems later.
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Well, I'm going to take a slightly different tack here on the swinging. I think you need to talk to her and see what she says about swinging. Does she want to continue to do it? Was it something she enjoyed but really only did because her ex wanted to?
If she says she'll stop doing it, then you further the discussion by asking her if she's really ok with that or if she thinks she might want to go back to it one day. You make it clear to her how you feel about it, that you don't want to do it, and therefore you need to know that she is willing to completely turn her back on that lifestyle if she is with you.
I think some things people do they enjoy, but they don't need to do them. You might enjoy a particular sexual activity, but if your significant other doesn't, you can live without it. And if you can't, then you move on. You need to make sure she understands this and that she gives serious thought to her decision.
As for what was happening with this other guy, though...I do find it odd, and am inclined to say that if you're asking if she's cheating, yeah, I'd consider it to be cheating. Which, for me, would be grounds to end the relationship.
I had a Porsche 924 years ago. It was sexy and fun to drive but I had two small kids and I needed a family car. It made a lousy family car. You know you need a loyal, monogamous partner. You've taken up with a swinger and you're wondering why you're frustrated? A woman capable of having sex with strangers or multiple partners isn't the same sort of woman likely to be content with only one for the rest of her life. You've got yourself a race horse. Have fun and ride it like the wind, but don't expect to hitch her to a plow or a wagon and don't be hurt or surprised when you see someone else riding this race horse. If you know you need a loyal, faithful, monogamous woman, don't start out with a swinger.
You see a lot of things the same way. Do you see the role of monogamy the same way?
Let me see. Obviously among swingers there are many different ways of looking at things. For SOME cheating is even worse for a swinger than it is for a non-swinger. You need complete trust to be able to swing. And honesty is the single most important factor.
So is she one of those? Will she be DEAD honest no matter what?
Also what is the risk that she will be dissatisfied down the road with only one? Is she bi? If so how does she feel about giving up women? How would you react if down the road she said she wanted to swing?
These don't need to be deal breaker questions, necessarily. This might be a great opportunity to see how you guys do with communicate. See how well you learn and grow together.
Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. I'm wife material and have been married for 25 years and my husband and I are swingers (occasionally, his "stuff" doesn't work correctly right now, but when it does...).
So just because you are a swinger, doesn't mean you're not wife material anymore than my husband is not husband material either because we swing.
Quote:
If he's not interested, then he needs to tell her up front. If she is a past swinger and enjoyed it, she's going to want to be a future swinger.
Is there an emoticon for disagree? I TOTALLY disagree. I am a former swinger. While there is nothing STOPPING us, we just don't want to anymore. Been there, done that. We grew together and learned a lot together. But the benefit just is not worth the effort.
And at ANY time I could have dropped swinging like a hot rock and been with just my husband with no regrets whatsoever.
Is there an emoticon for disagree? I TOTALLY disagree. I am a former swinger. While there is nothing STOPPING us, we just don't want to anymore. Been there, done that. We grew together and learned a lot together. But the benefit just is not worth the effort.
And at ANY time I could have dropped swinging like a hot rock and been with just my husband with no regrets whatsoever.
Advice w/ex-swinger 
