General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I love Facebook. I've reunited with many friends and get to keep up with people I normally don't get to. It's also a great way to get word out for things I'm doing and ask for help. I've seen Facebook do amazing things. It's a tool like anything else and it's what you do with it that matters. All tools can be used for good or bad.
Having said that, my husband did come to me and ask if there were any ex-boyfriends I was friends with and I told him yes. He plainly told me he felt that wasn't right and asked if I'd delete them. I said yes and deleted them right away. No biggie because no temptation was there but if he saw it as a problem then I think it's my obligation as a wife to honor his request.
He has a Facebook account as well but he's not social like I am. He might sign on once a week if that and he doesn't understand my incessant need for chatter but he respects that this is me and part of the reason why he fell for me to begin with.
Just like anything else, I think full disclosure is important and communication.
Tell me again how you don't understand this "dominance" thing.
The force is not with me or my man reading decoder stinks...maybe I need a Mendel?
If I described it above perfectly then why is it I can't understand it as being anything but calculated manipulation when I read about it in the many threads in the Man's Clubhouse?
The force is not with me or my man reading decoder stinks...maybe I need a Mendel?
If I described it above perfectly then why is it I can't understand it as being anything but calculated manipulation when I read about it in the many threads in the Man's Clubhouse?
Because you are reading about and interpreting thoughts and behavior in the clubhouse - and injecting bias into the equation.
But when you come face to face with the behavior, when you personally experience it, it doesn't register. And that baby ... is why it works. Your husband is brilliant for agreeing with you that those sorry bastards on TAM are full of crap
You dropped Facebook friends because your husband asked, you thought it was a reasonable request. You love and respect him.
Plenty of other posters here who have likely made the same exact request, with a very different outcome.
Because you are reading about and interpreting thoughts and behavior in the clubhouse - and injecting bias into the equation.
But when you come face to face with the behavior, when you personally experience it, it doesn't register. And that baby ... is why it works. Your husband is brilliant for agreeing with you that those sorry bastards on TAM are full of crap
You dropped Facebook friends because your husband asked, you thought it was a reasonable request. You love and respect him.
Plenty of other posters here who have likely made the same exact request, with a very different outcome.
That is who he is though, he hasn't trained himself to become something he's not in order to get a certain behavior from me.
I'm not sure but I think you are saying that my husband is manipulating me but is so good at it that I don't see it. So when he agrees with me he is actually playing a game with me? He thinks what is said here is true but won't admit it?
Those are major leaps. Is it not equally possible that he flat out agrees with me? That he really does think love is possible and can be true?
You read N.U.T.S and I read The Gift of the Magi. We define love differently. I think it is not practiced and rehearsed but natural and spontaneous.
I agree with you, Deejo, on something very big here. I agree that if it works for anyone and they end up in a happy relationship with their spouse then that is great.
That is who he is though, he hasn't trained himself to become something he's not in order to get a certain behavior from me.
It's apparent that you respond well to 'who he is'.
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I'm not sure but I think you are saying that my husband is manipulating me but is so good at it that I don't see it. So when he agrees with me he is actually playing a game with me? He thinks what is said here is true but won't admit it?
No. This has been, and obviously remains a fundamental failure to communicate. It isn't about manipulating you. It isn't even about manipulation. It's about him.
If 'who he is' meant that you didn't respect him, and you in fact did have an investment in those FB relationships and he angrily demanded that you remove them because he felt jealous, neglected, resentful or fearful than odds are that exchange and your reaction would have been very different. Who HE is works for the both of you. That's as far as the voodoo goes. That's it.
As far as Facebook goes, it's a gateway drug for creating distance in an already damaged marriage or relationship.
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Those are major leaps.
If you qualify a major leap as the span of a crack in the sidewalk then we agree. You are like B.A. Baraccus from the A Team. You refuse to get on the plane for fear of flying, yet you always end up at the destination, and have no fear whatsoever of jumping into a firefight.
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Is it not equally possible that he flat out agrees with me? That he really does think love is possible and can be true?
I don't doubt for a moment that's the case. Part of your success as a couple.
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You read N.U.T.S and I read The Gift of the Magi. We define love differently. I think it is not practiced and rehearsed but natural and spontaneous.
Nah. I don't think we define it differently. It's both. If you discover an expression of love that resonates with your partner, odds are, you are going to repeat it and try to improve upon it.
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I agree with you, Deejo, on something very big here. I agree that if it works for anyone and they end up in a happy relationship with their spouse then that is great.
OK, I can agree with you on all points. Thank you for the clarification and I will say that I think you are a nice guy and I like you. That's a compliment, not an insult.
Thank you for this post. I'm new here, but my DH is getting friendly with an ex on Facebook. He doesn't see it as a problem because she lives 2,000 miles away. But I find it a problem when my daughter wakes up at 3 am crying, and I walk out of the bedroom to find his computer on the couch open and blank and him nowhere in sight. I call him and he says he's in his truck in the driveway talking to his guy friend so he doesn't wake us. Then I look at his phone in the morning and he was talking to HER for 2 hours!
Thank you for this post. I'm new here, but my DH is getting friendly with an ex on Facebook. He doesn't see it as a problem because she lives 2,000 miles away. But I find it a problem when my daughter wakes up at 3 am crying, and I walk out of the bedroom to find his computer on the couch open and blank and him nowhere in sight. I call him and he says he's in his truck in the driveway talking to his guy friend so he doesn't wake us. Then I look at his phone in the morning and he was talking to HER for 2 hours!
Confront him, do it now before this gets outta hand to a full blown EA, if it hasn't gone this way already. To me, talking on the phone to woman this way secretly for 2 hours is a major RED FLAG. Then demand full access to his passwords on FB and cell phone.
Thank you for this post. I'm new here, but my DH is getting friendly with an ex on Facebook. He doesn't see it as a problem because she lives 2,000 miles away. But I find it a problem when my daughter wakes up at 3 am crying, and I walk out of the bedroom to find his computer on the couch open and blank and him nowhere in sight. I call him and he says he's in his truck in the driveway talking to his guy friend so he doesn't wake us. Then I look at his phone in the morning and he was talking to HER for 2 hours!
If you aren't comfortable with an outright confrontation, ask him why he thinks it's ok to talk with her for two hours. And if he thinks it's ok, why he needs to do it in his truck?
Something is wrong between you. Odds are you already know this. Get it out there, deal with it, or risk everything.
Confront him, do it now before this gets outta hand to a full blown EA, if it hasn't gone this way already. To me, talking on the phone to woman this way secretly for 2 hours is a major RED FLAG. Then demand full access to his passwords on FB and cell phone.
I know, it's killing me. He says she's a friend and he talks to lots of other friends all of the time. It shouldn't matter that it's a girl. He's already made the EA mistake before, 4 years ago with a coworker. It's pretty much damaged our marriage pretty bad.
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Originally Posted by Deejo
If you aren't comfortable with an outright confrontation, ask him why he thinks it's ok to talk with her for two hours. And if he thinks it's ok, why he needs to do it in his truck?
Something is wrong between you. Odds are you already know this. Get it out there, deal with it, or risk everything.
We are working on us. It's all sort of come out that we love each other but have grown out of love. He calls his "friends" on facebook distractions, but it all makes me sick. Especially since he's going out to Vegas in a few weeks, and I just saw that this ex girlfriend's husbands facebook page says that his relationship "is complicated". Yikes. Concerned me.
Re: Respecting Proper Boundaries of Facebook 
