Is this feeling normal? Please help
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is this feeling normal? Please help

Every day, I wake up thinking about NOT being with my husband. Every minute that I'm not occupied, I think about being separated or divorced. I try to stop thinking about it, but it comes back. I used to think about it with a feeling of dread. Now it's more a matter-of-fact feeling, like this is what I can do if I'm alone, and this is what I can't do if I'm alone. I've had other posts about my situation if anyone wonders why I think this. I've read that it's normal to think about it occasionally. But when you think about getting divorced more than thinking about how to fix your marriage - than that's a sign that it's too late. Does anyone believe that? I feel like an alcoholic that has quit drinking - divorce has become an obsession in my mind and I want to stop thinking about it all the time.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

Did you do the letter yet?

I don't know if this is normal or not, i've yet to hear anyone speak of this, and i know alot of divorced people. Perhaps, subconcsciouisly, you are starting to think that since it is only you putting a real effor in repairing this, that perhaps it is already too late, so you might as well prepare yourself for the future.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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No letter yet. I have to wait for after the holidays. We have 2 young children and I don't want to upset their lives right now. It'll probably take me weeks to get it just right anyway. You've NEVER heard of anyone with this problem? I don't know why I can't get it out of my head.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Alone- I am not legally married but I have been with my man for 13yrs and we have a child together. But, I am like you, there is not a day that goes by that I have not thought about leaving him. I do not want to upset my daughter is the reason I stay, but this thought of leaving has been going on so many years that I think it is ingrained into my brain and I cannot break the thoughts even if I try. I know how you are feeling, if that helps any. I guess it is the feeling of being free that keeps me thinking it. I feel smothered and just want to run! I don't know your situation, but my man is obsessive, and sometimes I feel that if I am away from him I will be able to breathe again! You are not the only person that has these thoughts that seem to be 24/7, so don't feel alone. Take care of yourself.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

When I was with my husband (we were married 20 years) the last 10 years I thought about divorce daily. Every single day. I had kids, though..and didn't want to break up the home. All I can say is I should have done it sooner. I wasted 10 years.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

stumble - thank you. It helps to know someone else feels this way. I want to run too. If I could I would just take my kids and sneak away. No confrontation, no talking. I am so smothered too. I can't make simple decisions without them being picked apart. I feel like I'm being observed and judged every minute. The only thing I have to myself is my thoughts and they're taking over! How long have you been feeling this way? I don't know how much longer I can take it. If you read my other posts you'll see that I haven't always felt like this. I was content with my life until 2 years ago. My girls LOVE daddy so much - how can I take him away from them? How old is your daughter?
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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major misfit - it looks like we all stay for the same reason. How do you think your children would have been if you left 10 years earlier? I also worry that if he's gone, that I will miss him. I don't worry about being alone, or never finding anyone else, or even finances. I worry about my girls crying for daddy, and I worry that there will be an emptiness in my heart. I still love my husband, but I hate our life, and I hate the way he treats me. I want to make my OWN decisions - I want to be free. If I could do that with him I would. But he's too controlling for that.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

It sounds horrible, but I have had these thoughts on and off for most of our relationship, but it seems the past five yrs I can't get leaving out of my head! My daughter is 6yrs old and she LOVES her daddy too, and just like you, who am I to take that away from them. Before she was born I did leave him many times, but he was, well, obsessed. And sometimes it was just easier to give in to him and take him back. I was a bleeding heart and felt sorry for him at those times, but when children are involved it makes it so much harder to leave. I have not left him once since she was born, but of course the thought is there always! I will find your other posts here soon to see what your situation is, but do you often find yourself wondering 'when is it my turn to think about my feelings?' On the surface, everything looks like we are a great family, but what people don't realize is that the only reason it appears that way is because I have been playing by his rules all these yrs. As long as he is happy, I guess he thinks I am.

I understand you perfectly when you say every decision is picked apart, every move you make, you are being watched! Get home 10 min late and the questions begin! I cannot go out with friends or family, and if I do, he will call several times, and if I don't answer one of his calls he will call the person I am with and keep going back and forth until one of us answers! This is just some examples of his obsessive behaviors that is what drives me to want to run! These are pretty tame compared past things he has done.

He is a good father and he is not 'bad' to me, but what it boils down to is that I am not happy, he does know this, I have told him. But things never seem to change. I don't want my daughter to hate me for leaving her dad, and I'm sure that is what you are feeling too.
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Old 12-10-2010, 12:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Stumble - I feel the same feelings. I've known all along that my husband didn't treat me very well - but I was the obsessed one. I pursued him. If I wanted to keep him I needed to make him happy. so I followed his rules, did what he wanted. Because when he was happy I was. He had a problem with EVERYTHING I did, so I tried to make things better. I don't go anywhere with anyone - he wouldn't call me constantly, but there would be hell to pay later. I don't dare leave the children (except to go to work). They are my witnesses that I'm not cheating or lying. I used to have control over day-to-day decisions, and he used to allow me time to go out with my children or my mother. But he has even taken that away too. My husband is not "bad" to me either. He has just made it very clear what he likes and dislikes, and I know that I need to follow his guidelines to keep peace in the house.
Every single morning, when my eyes open, I think that things would be so much easier if he wasn't there. I could stop walking on eggshells and I could make a decision based on what I WANT - not based on what his reaction might be. I feel for you for going through this for 6 years - you are stronger than me. Not only am I analyzed at home - he sees me every day at work so I'm nervous to even be doing this. I can't use the computer at home. I can't even go shopping at lunch because it makes him angry. Is this what life and marriage should be?
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Old 12-10-2010, 12:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

alone in love...I totally understand how you feel, as I have been feeling like this for years. At first, just questioning my marriage, being mad at my husband, some fighting, me trying to change him, get him to do this, do that...the last few years I guess I've pretty much given up. After hearing "I'll try, I'm sorry" over and over again...it really kills feelings in a person.

I love my husband in so many ways, but not enough, in all the right ways.

I have been thinking about divorce for the last three years, but always just put it out of my mind. I thought to myself, Oh, you're just bored, or you want a change, or things are so busy, with the kids, etc. You need to find time together, go away together, rekindle, etc. Well, after trying to do that time and time again...nothing changed. I have become cold and numb and don't love him the way I should.

The last six months I've really been thinking about it, because I am SO unhappy. But I keep things up, keep up "appearances", have a happy attitude...because other things in my life are pretty good. And also keeping things together, have to show happy face for the kids. But I'm sure they know what is going on, that their mom isn't really happy. Kids are smarter than you think.

Well, the last two months it's been on my mind EVERY day. So confused, don't know what to do. He knows how I feel and is trying to be so nice, asking me questions, bringing me flowers, even wants to go on a "date night" tonight. Which I really don't want to do, but will, because I have to at least try, I guess? Even though nothing he does will change my feelings. It has been too long and it's just too late. I am just so cold towards him. Emotionally dead. We get along on a certain level, but pretty much as two parents raising kids, and as roommates. We sleep in same bed, but don't cuddle, touch, or have sex anymore. He's been trying for years, but I have no interest. Not fair to him, I know, but this is how I feel and I'm not having sex with him anymore out of "obligation" or because I know if I don't, he'll be grumpy the next day. Did that for YEARS.

Everyday I go back and forth, between the pros and cons of staying together or getting divorce. The main reason I don't want divorce is b/c of the kids and also scared of the financial repercussions. It is just SO overwhelming to think of divorce, that in a way I'd rather just plug along, doing what I am doing. Trying to keep busy each day and keep it off my mind. Get along with my husband, raise the kids, do all those things that families do to make up a day.

But how long can this go on? How long can we go without sex or that intimate connection? I just don't know...

Everyone makes different sacrifices in their marriages. Some people stay together and sacrifice their happiness for the kids. Some just can't do that. I am still trying to figure out which one I am...It is SO hard.

So I hear ya, sister. I am right here with you! You are not alone.
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Old 12-10-2010, 01:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I've heard of so many reasons to stay, and so many to not stay. You're a better mother if you're happy, but shouldn't your children's happiness come first? Maybe we should stay together for the kids - but I've read many articles where the children knew what was happening and wished mom and dad would have done what makes them happy. I plug along every day too, and wonder when I'll be able to put my happiness before his. WHEN? I don't know, but I hope we all find out soon, before we end up filled with anger.
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Old 12-10-2010, 01:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

Hi Alone- I read some of your previous posts and we have such similar lives that it is a bit scary! He thinks I am cheating on him too, when I have never done anything to make him think this!

Thank you for saying I'm strong for going through this all these yrs, but the truth of it is that I feel paralyzed. Just like sadmel said, I feel emotionally dead. It has been so long since I have thought for myself, I guess I just don't remember how. The only thought I know is mine is 'I want out.' But I am too chicken to do it. Too scared of the repercussions it will have on our girl. I haven't done much 'right' in my life and raising my girl the best way I know how is my top priority, but as she gets older I think she may see that Mommy isn't all that happy. I don't want her in a controlling relationship when she gets older because she thinks that's the way it is supposed to be, though. In all honesty, my situation could be considered a little bit easier because we are not married, so there is no divorce to go through, but emotionally it is the same.

I know this is a terribly hard decision, and I cannot make the decision myself, but I truly think this isn't how life and marriage is supposed to be. We should truly be free to run our own lives. Not live just to make our significant other happy. We should not have to follow the guidelines of other people to keep them happy and sacrifice our own happiness for the security of our husbands. I truly do believe this with all my heart, yet here I am, living with this indecision. Paralyzed to make a move.

I feel for you and everything you are going through. YOU will be the stronger of the two of us if you do make the decision to leave. It takes courage to take that leap! It takes courage to find happiness for yourself! I wish you all the luck in the world!
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this feeling normal? Please help

Heya... I understand how you're all feeling...
My biggest determining factors of whether I stay or go: I have a history of major depression. I was able to lick it twice, but I know the warning signs to watch for, to see if it's coming back.... If it starts coming back again because of all our problems, I have to go, because then I'll be USELESS to take care of our daughter if I get depression again.
Other point... I was SO LONELY before I met him, I didn't really care if I lived or died. Sad but true. I have to balance in my head which would be worse...Being lonely again if we separated? Or dealing with all the problems we have.
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Old 12-14-2010, 04:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow, it has been such a relief to know there are other people that feel this way! The controlling husband, not "bad" to you but not good either. Emotionally abusive is the term that should be used. I keep thinking maybe it's not that bad but when you can't seem to think of anything but being free it can't be that good either. I don't have any kids with my husband but have two of my own from my first marriage.
He was so adoring and attentive at first it blinded me to how controlling he was. I think that happens a lot. Now I feel like I can't get away fast enough. He is my second marriage and I really thought I had found "the one". I pitied other people's marriages if they didn't have what I had. What a joke.
I too am scared to leave, I need a full-time job and I worry about uprooting my kids from yet another marriage, house etc. In my mind I think that if I had a good job and could stay in this neighborhood I would have been gone a long time ago.
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Old 12-15-2010, 12:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi ladies...I hope you dont mind a bit of an outsiders perspective on everything I have been reading in your above posts?
I am not in the same situation in that my husband is not controlling at all, in fact he is the complete opposite, and sometimes I wish he would just care enough to ask where I am or who I am with etc. However I dont envy you at all.
Now I dont have kids yet either, so I am not trying to tell you how to be good mothers (what would I know), but I can tell you from experience that children look to their parents relationship as a role model for all the future relationships they have. Whether is be on a conscious level or not they will compare every relationship they have (whether it be love or friendship) to your relationship. Your relationship will be the "normal" relationship to them. And then they will chose what they do or dont want from that. However if they see you constantly tip toeing around your husbands, doing whatever he wants just to make him happy, constantly putting yourself after him, then they will take alot away from that, that may result in them living a similar life to you one day.
I am not telling you to leave your husbands, all I am saying is be the role model for your kids that you would want to be. So if that means putting your foot down around your husband more often or not letting him treat you that way, or sorry to say it, leaving him, then that may be what you have to do.
Hope this has given you something.
All the best
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