alone in love...I totally understand how you feel, as I have been feeling like this for years. At first, just questioning my marriage, being mad at my husband, some fighting, me trying to change him, get him to do this, do that...the last few years I guess I've pretty much given up. After hearing "I'll try, I'm sorry" over and over again...it really kills feelings in a person.
I love my husband in so many ways, but not enough, in all the right ways.
I have been thinking about divorce for the last three years, but always just put it out of my mind. I thought to myself, Oh, you're just bored, or you want a change, or things are so busy, with the kids, etc. You need to find time together, go away together, rekindle, etc. Well, after trying to do that time and time again...nothing changed. I have become cold and numb and don't love him the way I should.
The last six months I've really been thinking about it, because I am SO unhappy. But I keep things up, keep up "appearances", have a happy attitude...because other things in my life are pretty good. And also keeping things together, have to show happy face for the kids. But I'm sure they know what is going on, that their mom isn't really happy. Kids are smarter than you think.
Well, the last two months it's been on my mind EVERY day. So confused, don't know what to do. He knows how I feel and is trying to be so nice, asking me questions, bringing me flowers, even wants to go on a "date night" tonight. Which I really don't want to do, but will, because I have to at least try, I guess? Even though nothing he does will change my feelings. It has been too long and it's just too late. I am just so cold towards him. Emotionally dead. We get along on a certain level, but pretty much as two parents raising kids, and as roommates. We sleep in same bed, but don't cuddle, touch, or have sex anymore. He's been trying for years, but I have no interest. Not fair to him, I know, but this is how I feel and I'm not having sex with him anymore out of "obligation" or because I know if I don't, he'll be grumpy the next day. Did that for YEARS.
Everyday I go back and forth, between the pros and cons of staying together or getting divorce. The main reason I don't want divorce is b/c of the kids and also scared of the financial repercussions. It is just SO overwhelming to think of divorce, that in a way I'd rather just plug along, doing what I am doing. Trying to keep busy each day and keep it off my mind. Get along with my husband, raise the kids, do all those things that families do to make up a day.
But how long can this go on? How long can we go without sex or that intimate connection? I just don't know...
Everyone makes different sacrifices in their marriages. Some people stay together and sacrifice their happiness for the kids. Some just can't do that. I am still trying to figure out which one I am...It is SO hard.
So I hear ya, sister. I am right here with you! You are not alone.