General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Please Help Me I am Desperate!!!!
My wife and I have been married for just over two years. Looking back on things I can honestly say that the issue I have today is the same I had before we got married. I never seem to make my wife happy with anything. I have always been very optimistic about life but my wife just see the glass half full. Two years into our marriage she told me that she wanted a divorce. I told her I love her and we started going to counseling. We have been going for about three months or so and my wife now says I am the perfect husband and that I am great but she just hates her life and cannot forgive me for things that were done the first two years. I never cheated on her or anything like that but her view of our first two years of marriage is that it has been awe ful but I do not see it like that. I have apologized like crazy and made major improvements which she has noticed but to no avail. The crazy thing is that about two months after marriage she stopped wanting to have sex. In fact we have only had sex 5 times in 26 months.
She has done other things for me but she will not be intimate with me what so ever. I constantly am trying to be nice and encourage her but the weird thing is that the nicer I am to her to more hateful she is to me and the meaner I am to her then the nicer she is to me. This is really messed up. Why can I not be loving to my wife and get a good response. I think that things are going better as she tells me how awesome I am and like clock work almost every other weekend she says that she just can not stay in the marriage and that there is no way she can make me happy. I tell her I am happy with her I just want her to be happy. The last few weeks she has been taking off for the weekend and going out of town or different places. She says that she needs space to think. The crazy thing is that I have been amazingly nice to her in fact she says I am to good to her. I was in ministry for years and always desired to have someone that loved my faith. Now she tells me that she can not be herself around me and that she wants to study other religions.
My life is breaking apart and I do not know how to make her happy. Before we got married when we went through marriage counseling she admitted that she had problems with her hormones. The marriage counselor said that he had a mother in law with those problems and that some one with those problems could be a bear to live with. The counselor then asked my wife if she would be willing to get help for those issues and she eagerly said yes. It has been 26 months and I can not even get her to go to the doctor. Honestly it seems like for every few days that I am nice then she goes into this crazy depressive state and all she can think about is how bad her life is. She does not have any friends to speak of and actually come to think of she does not have one childhood friend that she keeps up with.
Many times when we get into a social situation she get really moody and all she can do is complain about the people she is around and point out all their faults. This is even true when we go to church she gives me a hour lecture on how bad things are in the church or the pastor. He preaches to loud. He is not sincere and so on.... Why cant people be happy. Once again we had a great week. We had no sex but their was some intimacy. In fact I notice at night about 4 or 5 in the morning she will cuddle with me when she thinks I am asleep but if I am awake she is very non affectionate.
Just yesterday we held each other had a nice bath and she met some of my needs but there was still no sex and when I try to do something that will please here she turns me off. Will someone please help me. I have spent thousands on counseling, made lots of changes, and want to be with my wife for ever. How can I make her happy? Please Help!!!!!!!!!
Really was not looking for that reply but I guess beggars can not be choosers. When the world says I should move on and drop her God reminds me of the unconditional love HE has for me and it makes me want to keep trying. I just wish I could work smarter and not harder... Any Ideas???
In fact we have only had sex 5 times in 26 months.
There's zero reason to tolerate this these days. Specially in the first two years of marriage. Sheesh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firstkid7
She has done other things for me but she will not be intimate with me what so ever. I constantly am trying to be nice and encourage her but the weird thing is that the nicer I am to her to more hateful she is to me and the meaner I am to her then the nicer she is to me. This is really messed up.
It's called fitness testing and is a completely normal female response to a male she perceives as weaker than her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firstkid7
Before we got married when we went through marriage counseling she admitted that she had problems with her hormones. The marriage counselor said that he had a mother in law with those problems and that some one with those problems could be a bear to live with.
Your marriage counselor was trying to tell you to run for the hills. If she was going to get hormone treatments done, that was something that had to happen before you married someone incapable of having sex. You've basically walked into a trap.
Usually I would suggest someone like you head to my blog to read up on things to try and effect change, but I'm not confident this one can be turned around. I do advise you to read up on things to better prep you for your next relationship though.
I am so sorry for you. I hope you find your way out to happiness.
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This one's tough. I don't really have any advice for you. You say you've both been in counseling, and I'm going to assume that was either marriage or couples counseling.
Has she ever been evaluated by a therapist who specializes in behavioral disorders?
Well she has been in counseling for over 4 months now. It was actually marriage counseling. We were going one time a week together as well as one time separate a week to the same counselor. The counselor that we are seeing is supposed to be the best in our area. When she see's the counselor she always says it is her best day ever as she learns new things about her an her upbringing and so forth. The next day all hell breaks loose which is usually on Friday and then she leave for the weekend an then she likes me again on Monday.... I am so confused
I guess I'm wondering if this counselor has ever really evaluated her for anything like Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc. Sounds like she's rooting out some childhood issues, but I'm just wondering if she's ever evaluated her for a behavioral or mental issue. Just wonderin'....
I am not sure about that. I know that a majority of what she is going through is Childhood trauma. she hates her child hood and can not remember anything about it. She does not even have one child hood friend and she has no friends to speak of now. I can not figure out what happened but knowing her parents they are really jacked up. Her mother is a man hater and prides herself on the fact that her daughter has never met a man she can not dominate. The Father and brother walk on egg shells because they are scared the are going to make the mother upset.... I truly do not know what to do.....
You give her too much attention to handle. Stop showing yourself naked if she's not ready for close intimacy. Women loves cool and confident men. How can she miss you if you never go away? You need to understand her better. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you for your post.... One of my greatest fears is that she is going to cheat on me and find someone else. She seems to have a pattern of broken relationships. Since she was a teenager her typical pattern has been to be with someone for a few years and then she finds someone else before she leaves the other person. I am really scared that is what she is doing with me. She is trying to emotionally distant herself so that she can find someone else and have him waiting for her and transition into the next relationship.... I sure do feel insecure... I hate my thoughts and thinking she could be out with someone else and he is getting the affection that should be mine....Not knowing what she is doing is killing me....
When we talked with a pastor about whether or not my wife had been sexually abused my wife reply was that she just could not remember her childhood. The pastor that we saw at the time did not really push the issue. My wife said she could not remember anything about it and I guess he did not know what to do. My wife is still going to a professional counselor and they meet every week and they have been talking allot about her childhood and so forth but I do not know the details as I am not given that info. I do know her parents are extremely controlling, suffocating people. They have called themselves failures and have told both my wife and her brother that they wished they never had kids. Her brother is 37 and still lives at home, has never had a girlfriend. My wife family does nothing. Her dad was a insurance agent in the small town were she is from for 42 years. They have no friends, they take no trips, all they do is sit at home and watch fox news and ring their hands with fear of what the world is coming to. Actually I have never been around a family like this. My wife mother believes the women is the head of the house and she has told me how proud she is that her daughter has never met a man she could not dominate..... So Depressing... I know that her family has never liked me because of my life as a minister. They think that all ministers are con people who just try to get into your pockets. My wife parents still send her lunch money even though we have been married for over two years and are financially fine... This was a problem before we got married. I was concerned of her parents influence over her. The marriage counselor said that things would be better once we got married as she was learning how to pull away from them. 26 months and the major issues I am dealing with now in the family are the ones that I had before we got married....So So depressing!!!!
I guess for the most part I have always been raised to love your wife unconditionally and that marriage is for life. My first wife walked out on me and my son after six years of marriage. She got her USA citizenship and told me she never loved me but she just wanted to go to the USA. It took me almost six years to get to a place were I could date again. I guess I just do not want to be alone and I think it is hard for me to fathom being a two time divorced loser. This is really hard since I have been in full time ministry for 15 years.
The first one I got away with because she had multiple affairs and so on. The church gave me grace on that one. If it happens again what would happen to what I feel as my life calling. How can I influence or help others if I can not even help and fix my family.....
What are you doing besides counseling to help yourself?
Are you shouldering most of the load when it comes to household chores and taking care of the children or is she doing it? For my wife that was the cause of much of her anger and resent mention and the eventual pulling away since she was doing much of the work.
A couple of sites that helped me regain her love and respect are Marriage Builders and Affaircare. The have lots of information regarding your relationship and how to fix it. I know you're in counseling but you never know some of this might help.
I think you need to change something with yourself.Today we are giving suggestions but what about the similar situations that may come in future. I suggest you to learn to solve problems by yourself which will bring a change in your life.
Help,Help, Please Help!!! 
