General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi,
I have been lurking here for a little while and this is my first post. I really need some good advice on how to proceed.
My wife and I have been separated about a month and a half. That is when she moved out. We were living in the same house for about 3 weeks prior as separated.
For all intents and purposes it was done. Well, last week we started talking about working on things and getting back together. The issue is she has a boyfriend that I know she likes.
She lied to me about seeing him on Friday, but when I pressed she told me the truth. She said she would break up with him. They went out for 3 hours in the afternoon and she said it was done. However, when I asked she kissed him goodbye she got defensive and wouldn't answer, basically saying that she had.
He lives out of town. Now, this week she is planning a trip near his city to visit family. I think she is going to go see him, but she says she is going to hang out with a girl friend and then to her family.
This is an abbreviated version of the story, but what should I do? We aren't technically together, but we are dating. Should I just let this go and let her get it out of her system? We are planning on going on a trip together the following week to work on us.
I'm confused...are you married or dating? You call her your wife and say you're separated, but then you say you're dating. It's got nothing to do with my answer, but I'm confused by it.
Moving on...If you two are in a relationship, and trying to make it work, then you both need to be fully committed to that, and to each other. She is not fully committed to your relationship and to you if she is seeing another guy. It's as simple as that.
Basically, she needs to decide if she wants to work things out with you, or be on her own. If she doesn't know, then you need to decide if you're willing to sit on the sidelines and wait indefinitely for her to decide she's ready to work it out with you, or worse, wait indefinitely for her to decide she doesn't want to be with you at all.
Thank for the replies. Yes, we are still married, but living apart. We aren't wearing wedding rings. We have been starting over for about 5 days and we are calling it "dating". Kind of going back to the beginning and starting over.
We are also keeping our new found dating secret from everyone. We have children and don't want to get their hopes up. I know this further complicates things, but I thought it was an important aspect to bring up.
We would have been divorced already if not for some business matters which have kept us needing to remain married.
I agree with atruckersgirl, she is either in the marriage or not.
The situation is confusing as you stated, however, remember what got you guys to this spot. There is a reason you guys separated, that reason doesn't sound like it has been fixed. I say give each other space and let the chips fall where they may. IMO
Yes, our issues haven't been resolved. The main issue was my lack of attention toward her. I am working on that.
I know patience is the only way, but I want things to move faster. Of course we were as good as divorced less then a week ago and now we are making forward progress. So under those terms this is moving pretty quickly.
We had a date set for tomorrow, but the snowfall will cancel that.
I'd say don't worry about it since you cannot and should not do anything about her seeing another guy. Since you are just dating for all practical purposes - she is free to date anyone she likes, and may the "better" man win so to speak. Don't let it worry you. Otherwise, you will only make the situation worse (e.g. by being jealous etc.). Let her be "free" and continue with your efforts to give her attention and prove to her that you are willing to change what she did not like. If things become more serious, at that point you can decide whether to bring up your concerns if you still have any - after all, if she chooses you at that point, chances are she'd rather be with you... ?
So, at least for now, either try not to think about whether she is seeing someone else; or if you can't, try to think of it more "constructively", i.e. as a "competition" for her which could be a motivator for you to do more nice things for her...
Disclaimer: I am not qualified to give any advice on the subject.
Did you date anyone else during your separation? I was always told that if you love something set it free, if it returns it is meant to be. I personally do not believe in that, but a lot of people do.
I would do a 180 on her. I'd cancel all dates. I wouldn't talk to her about anything unless it involved the kids. Or maybe finances. And I'd stick to that subject and that subject alone. I wouldn't get into any personal business, or affairs of the heart. I'd work out, I'd do things that interested me (not dating), I'd reclaim my life as a single person with children (again..not dating). I wouldn't beg, plead, ask, fight, NOTHING. I'd let her see me move on with my life and be a better person than I was before (again..not dating). I wouldn't call, text, or contact her at all unless it involved the kids, and then I'd keep it short and sweet. I wouldn't try to convince her of anything good about the marriage. I would be cheerful, strong and independent. I'd dress in a way that she'd never seen me dress before. I wouldn't be nasty, angry or cold. I'd just pull back, and not be available.
This is just a small part of the 180. It's meant to wake up the spouse, and more importantly...help YOU to keep YOUR sanity while you navigate this thing called infidelity. Because she HAS brought a third person into your marriage, and it's called cheating. You might have been separated, but you have a contract that says you're still married. And the 180 feels contrary to what you feel you should be doing. But it will either wake her up and get her attention, or it will let you know once and for all where you stand.
But YOU have to get on with the business of living. And if you don't start dating, then she will have nothing to use against you ("you dated, so why couldn't I?"). The 180 doesn't always work, if a spouse is truly over and done. But it may help you keep your sanity in the process.
Good luck, I wish you the best.
Sticky Situation - Advice Needed Concerning "Wife" 
