AZMOMOFTWO

For those of you who have read some of my posts its been unclear what has gone wrong in our marriage. My husband said it wasn't like it used to be and pulled away and was only 50/50 about saving it, in fact he said he did not want to work on saving it just then. He wanted to do nothing. I worked pretty hard to keep my family together and some things worked in fact it was getting much better.

There was another woman involved . . . girl really she's 18, he's over 40. I really didn't think there was any thing physical yet just emotional. Last night I found photos, ones he'd sent to her. They were very graphic. I confronted him (he wasn't at home so this was on the phone) and he got angry I got in to his email. I said he gave me reason to. I told him he couldnt' come home anymore. I ran down to find her parents and they were gone and found an unlikely source of comfort, the girl's older brother. He told me he was sorry his sister broke up my family and he would give me whatever support I needed. He called the other brother and the parents (who were out of town and returned immediately from their trip). I changed the locks on the house and was done forever with him....

Then I began to worry about his emotional statement and the pistol was the only thing he came home to retrieve. I knew for certain neither I nor my children were in danger but worried he was a danger to himself so his friend got him to agree to tell him where he was and they talked. He screwed up big time and now has no way of knowing if it can be fixed but he now wanted to. He wanted me back but was pretty sure I'd never speak to him again. As of last night he was right on target. While I worried about him hurting himself he worried the same and had a friend come check on me and the kids.

He called me today and he was a different man. I asked him to be totally honest and he told me that there was more than just the photos. He answered every question I asked and I now know the full story. It hurt like hell and I screamed at him, told him I hated him, and cried. He begged me to go see him, I had someone watching the kids so I agreed ..... he asked me if I would agree to go to marriage counseling and at least allow him a chance to fix things, no guarantees but just a chance. He told me he loved me with all his heart and that he had developed a connection with that girl but did not love her. The connection it seems was more of a disfunctional one of need, she's really a messed up girl and he is likely suffering from depression. He had severed all contact with her a couple of weeks ago and kept true to that (the pictures dated a month ago).

Her parents came to see me and we cried together. They are good decent people who even told me they will try to sell their house and move. I told them it wasn't necessary. Even though the girl is 18 they support her so still have say over what she does, they sent her away to live right now with her brother to get her away from me. They told me they will do whatever it takes to help me. I was so worried they wanted to come over to tell me how dare my husband.... They also changed the girls number, deleted the photos, and will monitor her contact and get her some help. They recognize that my husband is very much to blame but this was about what they can and will do.

Right now my husband is staying somewhere else and wants to come home. He said he will do whatever it takes to make this right again. He has called her parents to set up a meeting for him to talk to them to apologize and to assure them there will be no further contact. He's in counseling for depression and asked me to go to marriage counseling with him. I have agreed. He's asked me for my forgiveness. The trouble is I love him too much to walk away now, and although I am hurting so deeply I do forgive him and want him to fix this. I recognize I have a role too that two people have to work on the marriage. I'm letting him come home tomorrow so we can begin the process of healing and repairing our broken little family. I am scared to death as this is a huge leap of faith. He knows he has to overcome some major trust issues that I have obviously and I told him if he doesn't have patience not to start because I will undoubtedly wonder and at times be suspicious.

I know that some of you will be thinking that I am foolish, that he has done it once, he will do it again. I have nearly 23 years with him, grown up with him. We were just kids when we got together. I'm still getting over the shock of learning for sure something I had suspected. I have a strange mix of emotions from love and optimism to being deeply hurt and scared of him hurting me again.

draconis

Take your time with him. You love him but remember he still has much to prove to you. He cheated on you and broke your trust. You have every right to ask him to lead an open, transparent life.

But that should just be the start of it. The counciling is another good step, but the communication needs to go beyond that. He can't afford to keep his emotiuons bottled up and he can't hide his feelings from you.

Bless you for giving him another chance, but let him know that without a doubt this is his last chance.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

AZMOMOFTWO

He has a lot to prove and a lot to make up for. He recognizes this and has promised to do both understanding I can't give him any guarantees. He also agreed I have every right to be suspicious and he said he would live a very transparent life to gain back my trust. I even doubted he was where he said he was last night, and without being defensive he showed proof of his whereabouts.

When I found the photos he'd sent I had thrown him out, he was pretty sure I'd never speak t him again. He asked for another chance and I told him if there was anything for at all he had to come clean with it right then. If I found out one thing he held back later that would be the end. That is when he confessed the rest. Its very painful...blackest day in my life but I don't live waiting to find out what else.

This is his one and only chance and he is very aware of that. You bring up a good point, one I'm sure the therapist will hit on too that he cannot keep his emotions bottled up.

I appreciate all the advice and support you have given to me on this forum. Its been the darkest time of my life and I'm fully aware we face a very rough road ahead, but having said that I feel we at least found the right path and are walking down it together.

BlueCreek

Actually, I do not think you are foolish at all. This is the first time in your ongoing turmoil that I think you're husband may actually fight for you. You were right when you said he is a very passive man, to the extreme! (I have a fairly non-confrontational persona, and I've been wanting to tell him to grow a pair for weeks now.) For the first time he's had what he has done thrown back in his face and sees the future without you and he's scared out of his mind and is willing to do whatever he can to fight for you and your future. Some people are chronic cheaters, some only do it once and never again after nearly losing their marriage. That's something you are going to have to decide to have faith in, but he sounds more like the latter than the former.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not absolving him of anything, and I'm not giving him kudos for fighting now. It should never have taken you finding proof and locking him out to see the error of his ways and decide you were the most important thing to him. But some people need a massive shock, an in your face "We're through!" statement to really take stock of where their life is and see what needs to be done. Whatever the catalyst, the results are that now he is finally acting on your future, which is what you've been wanting all along...though unfortunately at the cost of complete betrayal.

You have a long road ahead, and I agree he's going to have to willingly agree to extreme transparency, for now, maybe forever. You told him flat out he would need to be patient and if he couldn't be to not ever bother starting what he couldn't finish. Good for you! That's the perfect attitude. You know, my wife and I share the same computers, we have all the same passwords, there is no phone call we make that we aren't comfortable making in front of the other. It's not that we feel the need to check up on or listen in on the other, but just knowing that every thing is always in the open is a sense of comfort. There is no invasion of privacy, no crossing lines, because there are no boundaries or lines to cross in the first place. It's a great way to feel total comfort, with each spouse knowing there is nothing to fear, nothing being hidden.

I don't think anyone can fault you for still wanting to forgive him and find a way to save your marriage, I certainly don't. You've been together so long that's almost all you know. Closing the door on that forever without even looking into the possibility of what it might take to fix things would seem wrong. And I give you major props for doing so. I can sit here and say that it's the right thing to do, but I don't know how I would react in a similar situation. I might not have the capacity to find a way past the pain and hurt, but you obviously are willing to give it all, and I commend that.

And of course you have two kids involved as well. I'm not a big fan of "stay together for the kids" mentality many people in unhappy marriages have, because that says it's only for the kids that they are staying together and the kids know it and they have to live with that pressure redirected towards them. But having parents fight for each other to save their marriages and find happiness and love again even in the face of great adversity can be a great life lesson for children.

I'm not sure welcoming him back into the house so fast is the best choice, but it could very well be for you. If you are comfortable with it, that's all that matters. I understand your worry for him and his emotional state. I have a sister that is always on the edge of depression, and whenever she blows up, we all go on red alert and worry about what she will do to herself. Not sure our past of always appeasing her helped, mind you, but I know what it feels like to worry about someone you've spent a lot of your life with ending their life in a moment of depression. The steps you took seem very appropriate to me. You mostly let his friends handle it, but you followed through to make sure someone was looking out for him. That said, don't let fear of his depression drive what you do. I've always done that with my sister, and in the end there is so much I've given up that I'm conditioned towards giving her whatever she needs out of fear of what she might do to herself if I didn't, and she's never gotten better. Your husband is seeing someone for depression, but I would consider finding support yourself for how to deal with him properly. (Something my family really has never done with my sister, I am ashamed to admit.) Maybe you could go to some of his sessions with him, maybe even have individual sessions with his therapist when he is not there, I don't know. Just a thought.

As for the marriage counseling. Obviously critical for both you, as having a neutral party with experience in these matters is immensely beneficial, but also for kids. Your daughter is a bit older, but your son is very young. Having direction on how to handle this with them is of primary importance and a counselor will help enormously with that as well.

I do feel relief in the level of support you have from some of the people on the sidelines with this situation. This girl's parents are nothing short of amazing. Immediately coming home from out of town and actually offering to sell their place and move. And their son, taking the girl in to provide much needed distance at this time. Really great people. Not so sure about your neighbor of course, the one who's best friends with this girl. Seriously doubt she didn't know what was going on and made no effort on your part. If anyone should move...

Anyway, I wish nothing but the best for you. You are without a doubt a person of extremely strong character. That you should be put through this really ticks me off, but you are so sound, strong and confident, I have no doubt you will discover what it will take for you to be happy and at peace again. You've got so much hurt and pain to work through, but you've shown such a high level of commitment to your relationship in the past that if your husband can truly find the same strength and commitment, I believe you have a very good chance at turning this nightmare into an even stronger marriage.

AZMOMOFTWO

thank you so much for your support and your words of advice. It has helped me a great deal. He is back and of course the kids are thrilled. He is a bit nervous though as both the brothers carry guns and he even said "I will not defend myself". I spoke to both, this is not their desire to hurt him (although it would be best to keep a distance for sure).

I do feel better with him here, I don't think we could work on healing if we were apart although later it may be good for him to go camping or something just to get away. But I think this week he needs to be here and he did agree. He's extremely loving and understanding although we hit a bump today. He didn't know I changed all the locks. He was so upset. He kept saying he didn't blame me but in the same breath said that night I threw him out, he wanted to talk and work through it (its not my opinion that he did or was able but I could be wrong) and I should have talked to him. He was offended thinking that I thought he'd come in and harm me, take the kids, or property. Actually I dont know why I did it except to get some control over my life and yeah maybe to hurt him (athough that was not what I thought when I did it, I thought I was exercising the best judgement). He made me feel very badly about this ... but then I kept saying you can't turn this around so I am to blame. He also said he totally understood me going to her family (and I am the only one that knows that he actually had the affair besides the two of them everyone else thinks its just photos. I kept that to myself because I felt it was between us) but then he was upset I brought others in. I did point out that when he had a need, he turned to someone other than me and that is why he had the affair. What I did doesn't compare. Anyway...it wasn't a fight exactly but I thought he was unreasonable. Prior to this I also sensed a sudden mood change (before he found out about the keys) I think I am definately witnessing depression. I sensed the mood right when it happened. He did snap out of it pretty quickly and realized he was really hurting me beyond what I could take. He did keep saying he was responsible for cheating and he was ashamed but I do think he wanted me to be "guilty" for something. When he made me cry he stopped and said "really its no big deal, I'm over it. You did what you had to." Like I said its a rough road.

He did call his therapist whom he is seeing (he also does marriage/couples) explaining this was an emergency and he needed to bring me with him. They accommodated and extended the appointment. So we will go together tonight. This is probably very necessary. When we first started, one thing I wanted to do was get in shape...well I went passed my goal and weight is still coming off ..... I have no appetite at all and and insomnia. I don't seem to be able to manage these two things on my own either though I am trying. At first my husband didn't notice but now he has and he finally said something to me. I'm sleeping maybe 2 hours now a night despite things having improved, I get up and pace and this morning was running at 5:00 so I didn't have to lay in bed awake any longer. Maybe it will help with him home now .... I also have zero appetite and often go the entire day with nothing. He's actually tried to fix me things but it doesn't seem to help.

So much is uncertain but I do have hope, actually quite a lot of hope. The first I have had at all in over two months.

swedish

AZMOMOF2,

I don't think you're being foolish at all. This is the first post where I've seen your husband making an effort to rebuild your marriage, so now you can actually move forward together. I hope the more control you begin to have with your situation, the better you will feel, although for a time it can be easy to flip-flop between seeing a stronger marriage ahead to just being too hurt/angry to move forward so hang in there. Hopefully, the less chaotic things get the more 'normal' you will start feeling and eating/sleeping will gradually return to the normal levels.

Bluecreek has made some excellent points & I agree you should make your expectations of your husband clear and do what you need to do to begin to heal from all of this. He may 'get over' you changing the locks but he can't expect you to just 'get over' everything you've just been dealt.

I wish you both the best.

draconis

Please keep us updated. I am rooting for you.

Best of luck.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

AZMOMOFTWO

Thanks. We started therapy yesterday, it went amazingly well. Its the same therapist who is treating him individually and he will continue that and then we will also meet with him together. He did not admit to the therapist the affair earlier, he did yesterday. It was hard for him because he said I was there and he did not want to hurt me anymore. He just kept squeezing my hand and asking if I was ok. Surprisingly I was, I think because of his attitude and it was out there no more wondering. The therapist actually congratulated us, said that we had made more progress in 2 days than many do in several sessions if ever. He said that we definately had what it took to fix this. I am optimistic, and I do flip-flop fearing he will go back to her no matter how much he tells me it was stupid and that will never happen. Then sometimes I completely believe him. In the therapy session he talked about feeling like himself again and he certainly seems like the old him that I knew and loved so much. His attitude has completely changed and he's making plans for our family, things to do etc. He did try to approach the parents of the girl...as they are neighbors and friends of ours he felt he owed them an apology. They have so far refused him, and I understand but I am so proud of him. That is very scary and hard for him, it shows me he has changed. I know we will have some rough times ahead but this is a huge step. He also is very committed to therapy both individually and as a couple. And believe me he has no misconceptions if it ever happened again he'd get a second chance. He knows me to well and knows that would never be an option. He did admit something to me after therapy that he never told anyone and he told me its no excuse but he wonders if this somehow affected him. It was about seeing something that was very traumatic .... a betrayal .... and it happened twice. He only witnessed it was a horrible thing for a child. (I'm not being specific on purpose, even though this is anonymous, I don't want to betray confidence). Yeah.... it is certainly no excuse but I wonder how many of the issues he is having is do to keeping such an enormous secret for 35 years! He will tell the therapist next week. Anyway, why I feel confident is he is ashamed and accepts 100% responsibility. He told me today his reaction to re-keying was because he was very hurt but he's ok with it and understands now completely.

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you! You have been amazingly supportive and always have very sound advice.

Therapy went extremely well and gave us something to build on. We went out together afterward .... just us and it was like 20 years ago when we first began to date. Oh by the way, we did take up a new hobby, rock climbing. We're going to an indoor rock climbing place now and it is a lot of fun. We have plans to take some courses outdoors and do some trips together.

draconis

In my relationship thesis one of the things I say is the most important to keeping a relationship from going stale is to date atleast once a week. Good for the two of you for getting back into that groove.

As far as the therapy goes I am happy to see that both of you are really willing to give this a try and work for the marriage. It is nice that he opened up to you about his past and that the therapy might help him communicate with you better. To me communication is the cornerstone of a relationship which everything is built on.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

swedish

Wow, all sounds really great. It must be a huge relief for him to finally get this all out in the open and for you to finally get some answers as to why he was distant and unhappy. I am glad therapy has allowed you to both feel comfortable enough to open up to each other and that he is talking to you about personal issues outside of therapy is such a good sign. There will be bumps in the road ahead but knowing you are now working together I really think you both are setting yourselves up for a stronger marriage then before all of this happened.

AZMOMOFTWO

Thanks so much for your reply and support. It is going so much better. He has completely gotten over me changing the locks. What he told me was that he thought I did it because I was afraid he would hurt me or take away the children. Actually I've never feared him physically and I know he would not take our kids from me...I don't know why I did it. I just kept thinking I need to be in control and he had all the control and it was all I could come up with and maybe yeah I did it to hurt him. Not consciously but after all as of that night it was over....Anyway he understands that and is fine with it now.

Its been exactly a week since I learned of the affair. I've had more up times than down and he's been very patient with the down times except one (maybe 1am is not a good time to have a bad moments... Yes, trust is still an issue. I hate it every time he gets an email, text or phone call (it all comes in to his phone)... but a lot of times without me asking he'll either show me the phone or tell me what it is. That really helps. I'll stop wondering after awhile but its only been a week.

As for the up times, well he planned a date for Friday and it was phenomenol. We went to dinner and then spent time together afterward. I had bought a new dress for the occasion and he appreciated it very much. It was like when we first me. He had to work early the next morning and he called me from work just like he'd do when we first dated. Saturday was a family day and today we went indoor rock climbing (this is a good activity since the person climbing has to have full trust in the other who is anchoring at the bottom).

I feel good again. Its still a hard road. At times I picture them together and that is really tough. She is also a neighbor...living 3 doors down (18 but living with mom and dad) and for right now her parents sent her away. But she will be back. She did come home for a brief moment when he and I were in the front yard. It was all I could do to not walk right up to her and slap her. If she ever comes near my home or my kids that just may well happen. Yeah I know he's to blame too, but transferring the blame has been helpful to me.

Yes, he also knows under no uncertain terms if this were to ever happen again there are no second chances. He said that he was sure that I would leave him this time and it felt horrible and its why he didn't confess and then that was eating him up and its why he pulled away. He couldn't face me... Anyway, in time I think I will learn to trust him again. Wish us luck.

AZMOMOFTWO

You are very right about the dating. We've needed to do that and just didn't think to do it. Dumb I know. We were both guilty of that. All of our time was spent with our two kids. We're having trouble finding sitters but we'll get that worked out. We did get a sitter and went out Friday night and it was the most fun either of us have had in an awfully long time. This has been really important to us. As far as the communication, well I am pretty good at that except (since we were opening up) I'm sometimes too blunt. So that I will work on. He doesn't want to deal with issues so bottles them up. He's learning to deal and not bottle.