General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
If you've read my most resent post, you know my boyfriend and I are having some problems. I started thinking today, and I think we both have a little bit of resentment built up toward each other and that that is contributing to our other problems.
So, my question here is: how do you let go of resentment? How do you get rid of it? It's not like you can go to the doctor and get a pill or something, so what do you do?
Back in the day, I used pure force of will. Knowing with my intellect that it was destructive I would ... not push it away but absorb it. Let it soak me and then wash away. I know that is hooey mumbo jumbo but that is the only way I can describe it. I would feel it in me, and let it wash out through my skin.
I also made a conscious effort to remember and really look and find the things about him that brought us together. When we were first dating, he was never any more helpful or considerate in the are of practical matters. That did not matter since we did not live together. But he WAS fun and funny as hell. So (in addition to the other things we were doing) we started trying to have more fun. Go do light things that would make us smile. (For the record, this was also the advice of one of our pre-cana counselors.)
i will make this short...to end resentment, talk about it get it all out. not all in one day but in the course of a month..if you dont talk about past fights, or talk abput past issues, they never go away....they sit there in the room and conitnue to grow..
talk to out in calm manner, no screaming no demanding no accusations no finger pointing try not to cry, and say when you said XXXXX i felt this way, how did you feel when i said YYYYYY???
there is no need to get all over again, is now time to heal and trully put an end to it..
hope this is somewhat you were looking for, sorry no magic pill, but its not to hard to do its, just hard to do...
i hope you ccan work it out....
Good question...
I've noticed something interesting about my brain:
sometimes a memory of something painful will float across my mind---like something hurtful my husband has said in an argument from the past---and if I dwell on it, converse with it, replay it, analyze it, it'll really get me down. I'll stop being able to concentrate if I'm working, I'll get choked up.
But if I take a moment to notice it and then willfully disengage from it and let it float by, then within a few minutes I can "re-think of it," bring it to mind again, and it honestly doesn't seem so bad; it doesn't pain me like it did on its first tour through my mind. I can see it through a less sensitive lens.
So if I do entertain and nurture those thoughts and memories when they first show up, it leads to resentment...if I control my mind, I'm able to move past those things better.
I guess part of my own way is to focus on the present and future instead of the past.
Tough question...I'll be paying attention to the replies. Posted via Mobile Device
In my new marriage with the same W, we have found the best way to let go of resentment is to avoid resentment. So these days me/her just spit it out "I resent that". We walk though the feelings and come up with some resolution. Some times it not over so easy so it is brought up again until it is all out in the open. Some times we agree to disagree..
Back in the day there was so much resentment it snowballed into 19 years of an unhealty marriage.It took use several month for use to get past the resentment of our past behaviors. So this is what we did; as I said before we talked alot, our questions were answered and our feelings were heard, then resolutions where made. We have come to a road were expectation can be set to high and need to be brought down to a level that both partners can deal with. This is important, let the other person know what you expect and what you want. no one can read minds. Once the both of us knows what is expected we can move to a understanding of what we really can do for each other.
If memory serves me correct the fist day back from the honeymoon was the house was dirty. For the Misses it was my work over her. from there it just went south, 19 years ago. Once you stop communicating, and the "we" become "me" forget about it, argueing will be the norm... I resent arguements;-)
To get rid of resentment, understand first where it comes from.
It comes from unmet expectations, some real, most imagined.
And resentment, it is a wall formed by a speck at a time.
The antidote to resentment, is honesty.
Be honest with your man.
Be honest with your self.
Stop doing the million little "sacrifices" for this or that, EXPECTING something better over the next hill. Chances are it won't be there. So what?
Honesty, it starts with us, never with someone else.
So start to take for yourself the freedom to communicate what you want, what you need, how you feel, and most importantly what you desire.
Good or bad, get out of the habit of "holding back", or saying something false to avoid conflict, or sweeping emotions, feelings, and desires "under a rug".
Chances are if you are doing these things, your man is having to as well.
And this also, very important, prepare yourself to allow your man to have the same freedom to be honest with himself, and with you.
This, will be harder than you may realize, at least at first.
But the end result, the deeper communication, the honesty (sometimes blunt, sometimes brutal), it kills resentment and stokes passion.
That is exactly, precisely why I encourage couples to do M.U.U.--Mutual United Understanding. In other words, the two of you agree to never do anything until you both enthusiastically agree to it and have reached an understanding you can both live with.
Here's what happens. You want to talk to him every day but you "sacrifice" what you need thinking "one day I'll get it" or "next time I'll get what I turn"...and then the next time comes along and you don't, and you resent it! Or "one day" never comes and you resent it! You think that YOU "sacrificed" and he never did.
Nope, don't do that. Instead, actually speak up for what you need in a respectful request kind of way, or suggest an alternative that WOULD work for you. It is your job to speak up for you and what you think or feel...and to also offer suggestions and negotiate for something that's okay. Then agree between you--you and your bf--that you'll keep working until you both think, "Yep that's okay with me! I'll do that!"
Once you do M.U.U. instead of sacrificing, you won't be doing the things that cause resentment, and you'll both feel mutually respected by your partner.
I've just let go of a whole lot of resentment that became toxic, as you may know, from another thread. It was years & years of it! Every one is different, some need counseling; we didn't go to counseling, but anyway, this is what helped me:
~Complete, utter honesty, even and especially to oneself, and to the spouse, just get down to it, cut out all the bs, so to speak. Complete, open honesty with the spouse/partner.
~Taking responsibilty for your own part; helps if your spouse/partner does as well.
~I did lots and lots of journaling every day. I read over the journal and noticed & observed how destructive my thoughts and actions were, both to myself and other people. Resentment builds, and it hurts you and others around you. I saw that it wasn't worth it and was able to come from a more loving place.
~If you're a spiritual and religious person, lots of prayer and meditation helps. I did meditation practice and some Reiki (Ray-key), a healing modality.
Good or bad, get out of the habit of "holding back", or saying something false to avoid conflict, or sweeping emotions, feelings, and desires "under a rug".
Chances are if you are doing these things, your man is having to as well.
This is what my man and I have done for the past 6yrs, trying to avoid conflict to be able to hold it together for our daughter. atruckersgirl: I'm sorry your having problems, I cannot give advice on how to get over resentment, since I cannot get over it myself. But, it looks like BigBadWolf may have some very good advice. I just don't think I can bring myself to bring up all these past issues, even though I know it is like a sore festering and eventually will come to the surface. I just cannot deal with it right now, Way too painful. If you find a way that works for you, please post it
Stumble
Being honest, it is not just about "bringing up old stuff".
Actually, best to start right now, today, forward, not worrying about the past (yet).
Be honest today, moving forward!
Then, getting into this habit of being honest (it is often work changing such habits!), and breaking off the old habits of "sacrifice" ourselves, and inviting our spouse to do the same, then the communication will become open to opportunities to address the deeper resentment issues.
Some things in the past, maybe they need to be addressed.
Maybe they are unimportant.
But IF they are important, trying to bury them under the guise of being "noble" will not bring the emotional connection of addressing them, and will instead fuel resentment.
But IF they are important, trying to bury them under the guise of being "noble" will not bring the emotional connection of addressing them, and will instead fuel resentment.
Yes, I agree,not guising it,cloaking it in being 'noble' or to be ethical or to be moralistic (not that having principles, values, and ethics aren't important, they are); in other words under an identity. Instead to really get under all the stuff and see clearly; be nakedly honest, real, raw, but with an open heart and with compassion.
If you've read my most resent post, you know my boyfriend and I are having some problems. I started thinking today, and I think we both have a little bit of resentment built up toward each other and that that is contributing to our other problems.
So, my question here is: how do you let go of resentment? How do you get rid of it? It's not like you can go to the doctor and get a pill or something, so what do you do?
Forgive and then construct your personal boundaries of intolerance of specific behaviour such that you don’t allow the same thing to happen again.
How to let go of resentment? 
Re: How to let go of resentment? 
haha j/k. although that was what i did on my first try at getting rid of resentment.
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