General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Instead of posting my response to another thread on TAM, I thought I would post it on a new thread.
The question was cheating between men and women. What polls have revealed in the percentages of men versus women who have cheated.
I was curious on the "reasons" that the men and women cheated and if they were similar, etc.
While a few reasons are similar, most are wide and varied. Based on my own internet research I discovered that a lot of the reasons that men give for cheating are physical; while a lot of the reasons women gave were emotional.
It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love. In general, men can more easily compartmentalize between sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire.
I made the list(s) even, while these are not ALL the reasons - these were some main ones that I've seen repeated on TAM in several forums.
Very interesting...what do you think?
Why Men Cheat?
1. They are not ready to have commitments.
2. They no longer feel satisfied/stimulated in their current relationship and are too cowardly to end the relationship.
3. They are concerned about their financial/living situation if they end the relationship, but do not feel fulfilled in it.
4. They like various sex partners.
5. They crave the initial excitement and illicitness of a "secret" affair.
6. They need to feel desired and their partner does not fulfill that need.
7. Men are single-minded and don't think about the consequences of their actions.
8. Some men cheat because they think they can get by with it.
9. Some cheat because they don't take their relationships seriously.
10. Some cheat because many of them increasingly feel powerless in a society that is giving women more rights & powers in the domestic & public spheres.
11. Men stray outside of long-term relationships to remember what it was like to be desirable and free. "Schedules" and routine destroy self image.
12. The woman's sex drive isn't what it was when you first got married.
13. Having sex with more than one woman is an ego boost for those with low self-esteem.
14. Men cheat because they are bored in their current relationships.
15. The man perceives that the partner is bored with or no longer interested in sex.
16. Their spouses might not be interested in doing the sexual things the men want to try out (e.g. oral, greek, 3-ways, etc.) or even afraid or morally against such kinks.
Why Women Cheat?
1. Because they hurt due to pain related to loneliness, rejection or betrayal of a cheating spouse.
2. Some have an unexciting relationship.
3. Some are feeling poorly about themselves.
4. Because their emotional needs are not being met at home.
5. She feels unattractive, uncared for and hopeless about getting her needs met.
6. Revenge. The "eye-for-an-eye" approach if they have been betrayed and rejected.
7. Suspicion that their partner is cheating. She may have painful memories from an earlier relationship and she may have the expectation of being hurt in this one, as well.
8. Boredom. An unsatisfying, dull, and predictable relationship that is not growing in depth.
9. The whole experience of sneaking around and hiding it. This can be a huge adrenaline rush.
10. Poor sense of self-esteem. Lack of adequate amounts of affection and admiration from their partners. Women can especially have this problem since our culture puts so much emphasis on physical beauty, sex appeal, and the ability to attract men.
11. They feel taken for granted. Women can feel like little more than a household drudge.
12. Her and her spouse are leading parallel lives. When you start doing things separately, the odds of connecting with someone who has your similar interests increases.
13. The fantasy has fizzled. When the romance fades and she realizes that her man is not the fantasy man she fell in love with. The knight in shinning armor.
14. Her ego needs a boost. She can be with the most wonderful man in the world, but still needs to know she has it going on.
15. When she is sexually deprived. As the male ages, testosterone can drop and they can become disinterested in sex or unable to perform. When a woman feels her man no longer wants her, she feels uncared for.
16. Poor or lack of communication, she feels her man is not listening to her or doesn't understand her.
Sorry no one has replied so far. I am a man and although I have not had an affair, I have thought about it. Out of the reasons you gave, it would be a combination of 2, 12, and 15. Also, wife is currently involved in an EA (though she denies it is that). Hopefully, I won't go through the route of cheating though.
Only way (i'm one of the good guys) i'd ever, even consider cheating... if my s3x life at home was non existant, and my wife basically isn't willing to do anything about it. In that case, i'd probably leave first.
i think that overall, a person is a cheater at heart, or not...if 'mike' in a relationship is feeling bored, unsatisfied, he will tend to start looking around and cheat...while 'Tom' will talk to his gf/wife and if its not resolvable, seperate or split up and then, after the fact find someone new,...
the reason i believe this to be pretty much the case, is you sometimes hear someone say the reason that their wife or husband wasnt fulfiling their needs, so they 'had' to cheat...but then if you look deeper, you see the relationship isnt all that bad. THEN you can see another person, who is in a really bad or neglectful relationship and they DONT cheat...they deal w/ it another way...
i kind of liken it to spouse abuse....a person is inclined to do that , or not. One man will eventaully, for whatever reason getting phsyical towards his spouse, and say it was bc she made him mad, or she did xyz...while the other guy, would never resort to that no matter WHAT his spouse did...
Sorry no one has replied so far. I am a man and although I have not had an affair, I have thought about it. Out of the reasons you gave, it would be a combination of 2, 12, and 15. Also, wife is currently involved in an EA (though she denies it is that). Hopefully, I won't go through the route of cheating though.
i think that overall, a person is a cheater at heart, or not...if 'mike' in a relationship is feeling bored, unsatisfied, he will tend to start looking around and cheat...while 'Tom' will talk to his gf/wife and if its not resolvable, seperate or split up and then, after the fact find someone new,...
the reason i believe this to be pretty much the case, is you sometimes hear someone say the reason that their wife or husband wasnt fulfiling their needs, so they 'had' to cheat...but then if you look deeper, you see the relationship isnt all that bad. THEN you can see another person, who is in a really bad or neglectful relationship and they DONT cheat...they deal w/ it another way...
i kind of liken it to spouse abuse....a person is inclined to do that , or not. One man will eventaully, for whatever reason getting phsyical towards his spouse, and say it was bc she made him mad, or she did xyz...while the other guy, would never resort to that no matter WHAT his spouse did...
i think that overall, a person is a cheater at heart, or not...if 'mike' in a relationship is feeling bored, unsatisfied, he will tend to start looking around and cheat...while 'Tom' will talk to his gf/wife and if its not resolvable, seperate or split up and then, after the fact find someone new,...
I pretty much agree with the fact some people are capable of cheating & others simply NEVER would in a million years -even if faced with a purely sexless marraige, ignored & rejected every day, they would do the right thing & end the marraige 1st. This is definetly the most respectful thing to do. But not always so easy for some.
I was talking to my husband last night about this particular thread. I wanted to answer but not make myself look too patheticly bad in doing so.
My husband is one of those types, would NEVER cheat. It simply is not in him. And I believe that.
Me, on the other hand, to my shame, I do believe I could be capable of it -if things got too bad, if I was feeling totally unfullfilled sexually & emotionally. If this makes me sound like a miserable human being, so be it. Husband is aware of my weaknesses & loves me in spite of them. I do not believe I could keep my mouth shut & hide it for any length of time at all. And I am also very sure he would have much warning from my big mouth that I was heading in that direction. He knows me too well.
So I can not sit here & boast I am one of those perfect respectful people that would never do so, I suppose that is a blight on who I am at my core, but one thing I am --is honest. Honestly weak in some areas- absolutely. Husband tells me he doesn't think I could , but some of the stories I read on this forum (Including Married In Love's) I do believe I would fall if an opportunity presented itself.
In her list for why women would - many could trip me up (1, 4, 5, 6, 10 & 15).
If I cheated on my husband NOW , It would make me a monster as I have the world at my feet. I am not struggling with anything on that list. But who really is to say, they would not fall into the arms of another in a weak moment -if presented with many on this list-for months, years??
Unlike others, I do not lump ALL cheaters into the same Black & white box of Cheater is scum, Faithful spouse is Gold. It takes 2 & there is always another side to the story, another side of pain.
Even God seems to Understand ....siting that EACH SPOUSE should be doing their part (1 Cor 7 3-5) The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The only thing I do not care for in these verses is blaming it all on Satan. That is simply too convenient. That unloving, ungiving , uncaring , unemotional , unsexual spouse, in my opionioin, plays a huge hand in why some "good people" fall into the arms of another.
Yep..it is interesting, and I agree with the lists. However..what separates those from the ones that WOULD from those from the ones that WOULDN'T...no matter what the situation or circumstance were. What goes through the mind of the person who does engage in an affair when they know it's going to hurt someone, possibly themselves?
I'm not a cheater. If anyone "deserved" (you so know I hate that word) to be cheated on, it was my ex. I don't think a soul in this world woulda blamed me. I just couldn't do it. I never even thought about it. That doesn't make me any better than anyone who did cheat...it just makes me stupid for not getting out sooner than I did. I might not have thought about cheating, but I thought about leaving every single day for the last years of the marriage.
My ex cheated...the 1st was with a 17yo girl. The 2nd was with an 18yo. They weren't longterm affairs..short ones. The damage was the same nonetheless. However..I didn't have proof of these affairs until AFTER we had split for the final time (even though I strongly suspected, and believed that it had happened). I stuck my head in the sand, tripped down the river of denial and went on with life. Had I known for SURE, I'd like to think I'd have done things differently. I'll never know, though.
Now? There is NOTHING that would cause me to cheat on my SO. I've said it before..he could lose his abilities to function tomorrow and I'd still be here, and I'd still be faithful. And that's not on me necessarily...but he deserves no less from me.
I believe with all my heart that he'd never cheat. It's not in him. I also believe in such a thing as the "perfect storm", and any PERSON could slip. I just don't intend on being that person. As it is right now, there isn't another man in the world that I'd want. And if it got to the point where the r-ship didn't work anymore, I'd go. I wouldn't think twice. Thinking twice didn't serve me well in the past.
2, 3, 5, 14, 16 I would say would be potential reasons if I were to cheat.
I think 2 is the closest, but it wasn't specifically stated either....physical attraction flat out as a reason.
Both men & women cheat (PA) because cheating is more exciting.
Both men & women cheat (EA) because the spouse is always more difficult to communicate than the OW/OM.
A married woman who posted her profile on adultfriendfinder.com had a chat with me on MSN once while I was tracking my husband on that website.
She cheated on her husband in a very nasty way. She had all kinds of sex with different OMs including threesome. (She even shared with me the photos, having sex with 2 men.)
I asked why she is able to do that? She told me she feels guilty when the husband is nice to her but cheating is more exciting.
Alas! She didn't mention that she had major problems in marriage. She simply wanted to have fun.
So it's really a choice, all the reasons are just excuses.
Sounds to me like cheating is a lot about cowardice (fearing the emotional or financial fallout of leaving the relationship first) or low self-esteem (needing to feel desirable, etc).
I like the idea that it is based in the individual who cheats/doesn't cheat--one person does; the other person ends the relationship so s/he can find someone new, rather than cheat during an unsatisfying relationship.
Sounds to me like cheating is a lot about cowardice (fearing the emotional or financial fallout of leaving the relationship first) or low self-esteem (needing to feel desirable, etc).
I like the idea that it is based in the individual who cheats/doesn't cheat--one person does; the other person ends the relationship so s/he can find someone new, rather than cheat during an unsatisfying relationship.
You are right about that emotional/financial fall out aspect. It is good to have someone at home with you everyday, and 2 incomes are better than 1.
I'm having a hard time with this thread. I think it is way to easy to just say cheaters are cheaters. I love my wife dearly and overall we have a great relationship. I have always thought cheaters were the lowest of the low and didn't think myself capable. Now over the last 5-7 years my wifes sex drive and even intimacy has dwindled to near nothing so now I am at least tempted. I want to feel desired.
We have talked and talked about it to no end so far. I do NOT want a divorce because just about everything else is great. Nor do I want to cheat because it would hurt her. It is tearing me apart...
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Why Do Men Cheat? Why Do Women Cheat? 
