MarkTwain

I feel there is a huge clue here, please explain the 2 parts I highlighted in bold.

Also, please explain what your sex life together was like in the past.

MarkTwain

Plus we need to know about the highlighted parts below:


She is like a murder mystery author, she leaves you clues, there is a smoking gun, but that is all.

hitrockbottom

"She said she wanted me but couldn't put herself through this again" -
I assume she was speaking about the hurt from us being distant to each other. and the One night stand that I had 2yrs ago. Other then that I don't know.

"She has Images stuck in her head, won't tell me what - has to do with intimacy" -
When we are together hanging out she is fine. We laugh talk, harass each other. We act like a couple. But when we start to get close, and I mean just holding hands, hugging anything she clams up


"Due to my wives past anytime I even see that she is remotely uncomfortable in this position I've always stopped immediately" - She was raped at 14 by a boyfriend. I used to never be able to touch her legs, or be on top. It took years to get her coach her through that.

As for our past sex life.. It was great.

MarkTwain

You need to get her to explain the image "thing". I am guessing that she has an X rated image of you "doing it" with your affair woman in her head.

I assume you had an affair because she stopped having sex with you?

I am really going out on a limb here: I think she may have wanted you to carry on getting more intimate with that massage, and when you stopped out of fear, she realised that you were both being conned out of intimacy by her past rape. She may have wanted you to rail-road her a bit by just carrying on, but you stopped. This might have also confirmed her suspicions that you don't find her desirable since your affair.

Try offering her a massage again. And unless she says STOP, or pushes you away, don't hold back.

hitrockbottom

She knows I find her desirable...I tell her every day.
It wasn't an affair. It was a drunken lust filled night that stopped before we had sex. And yes it was partially because I was angry at her. The other half was my immature self coming out.

When her arms are limp and she has tears in her eyes then No I'm not going to continue on with it.

You might be right that she wants me to show confidence.
I did. I feel I showed confidence and will power by being able to stop when things were that heated up.

Now I need to be strong in showing that I can move on if that is what she desires. I want things between us to work. I have time and again shown that to her. I don't know how else except patience and redundancy in what I do and say.

I am very confident in my sexual status. I know if I wanted I could have another woman. The thing is I don't want another. I certainly do not want her if she is laying limp.

The sex to me is a back issue to having back her admiration and desire to want to be with me.

MarkTwain

It might be that she is the touchy feely type. In that case "telling" her you love her is of little use. You have to touch her. Please look at this website, it changed the way I relate to my wife a whole bunch:

"Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library

blind

hitrockbottom - I'm coming into this thread a little late, but I've read all the posts. You mentioned "She said she wanted me but couldn't put herself through this again." I believe your wife is struggling with putting her emotions at risk again. She is having a hard time opening herself up to you because she doesn't want a repeat of the past. She has put up walls to keep that from happening. It sounds like those walls may be coming down, but this scares her. She MUST be able to TRUST you again. Like Drac metioned, this takes time. I've encouraged you to be patient in past threads. This is exactly what I was talking about. Your hard work is starting to show. She is slowly letting her guard down. This is putting the ball back in your court. Keep up the good work, but don't push her too hard. If she has any sense from you that she is at risk of being hurt again, the walls will be back up and even stronger than before.

Keep up the good work.

Blind

hitrockbottom

Thanks man..I am trying hard as I can to be patient. The only thing that destroys me is the constant rejection from her. I told her last night I wouldn't offer up an ultimatum to her, I loved her too much for that. I hate being in this situation...but thanks for the words of encouragement

MarkTwain

What if she unconsciously wants an ultimatum?

You give write her poetry, but I suspect you are not speaking her language.

Also the rape may have left her with sex and violence mixed up in her mind. While this means that sex brings on feelings of danger, the converse is also true - for her danger may bring on sexual desires, which she will tend to feel guilty about.

Your reaction has always been to be a gentleman when these issues arise. But maybe, secretly, she wants a man with the bravado and confidence to deliver her from her own demons. You could be that man, but you will have to think outside the box.

On another note, control outside of the bedroom is a turn off. She mentioned control, so you should listen. Don't ask her where she has been when she goes out, on one of her secret missions. After all, if she has come back safely, all your questioning is of no practical use. It is only to assuage your own fears.

Triton

Listen to Drac ! What kind of problems since May 11th ?

hitrockbottom

May 11th was the day she removed her rings and basically mentally shut her self out of my life. It was a month later pretty much to the day that she discovered the 1 nighter I had.

As an Update...

She went out again monday night, didn't come home till midnight. I didn't question where she went but did talk to her about us...last night she was out till I don't know when I just passed out. Texted her goodnight...she still slept in the guest room. I woke up in the middle of the night and checked on her...then this morning she was like the old self again...Asked how my morning was going. Agreed to go see my family with me this weekend. And told me of her plans for tonight. It felt good...
we will see where all this goes...trying to stay on course with my plans.

Mark twain -

Yeah I have to learn not to control things outside the bedroom with her. That is what I have been struggling with. I don't think it is a crime to ask her where she has been, but with out being so direct.

As for our bedroom life. I have always taken control of things. I normally initiate everything we have done..but I did set my limits with her and I will respect those limits.

As for delivering her from her demons. I have done that already. Our sex life has been great up until May 11th...her past issues only affected us for the first 2-3 years together. We have moved past that a LONG time ago.

MarkTwain

Please explain this.

I'm afraid that things have a way of re-surfacing, especially if you think they have been dealt with.

You were weak when you texted her "goodnight". It was not for her benefit that you did it.

Did you read that link on inner languages? I feel you might be the Audio type. She sounds tactile to me, but you will know more about that than I can guess at from the comfort of my own computer.

Anyway, if she is back to normal, you must press on with the massages.

hitrockbottom

My limits were set Years ago...

I feel around see how things go in regards to her past.

How is it weak to text her goodnight. I was letting her know I was home. It was me that cheated on her. I don't see that being an issue of weakness but more so of respect.

MarkTwain

You are very articulate, yet here you are being very coy. Please expand on the two sentences above. I think most of your problems are contained in the above.

Because your text was probably seen by her as sarcastic, and further monitoring of her.

hitrockbottom

See I never thought about that...then again I never thought I would be in this situation.


Real quick run down:

When we started dating. She was in a bad mental state. Depressed, hooked on drugs, no longer living at her house, her parents were divorced, father never spoke with her, and had absolutely no self esteem. Because of her lack of self esteem she did what everyone else wanted to do. Pretended like it made her happy. I brought her out of that.

How - Compliments, Pushed her to try new things, bought her sexier clothes to convince her she could wear them, told her the drugs weren't getting her no where, Brought her dad back into her life, showed her how to have fun outside of her comfort zone, and one last thing.....ready for this......
NO SEX FOR A YEAR

Yep thats right. We went an entire year with no sex. Yes we had sex prior to that commitment but I wanted to prove to her that I really wanted to be with her.

I know it sounds strange, I caught flack for it for years now from my friends....but we made it a year. In that year time frame is where I fell in love with her. It was during following year that I broke her from thinking I would ever hurt her...It took multiple times of us starting and stopping before she was comfortable again.

I made a promise to her then that if she was ever, EVER, uncomfortable then I would stop. No matter what point we were at. I have held to that. Never became angry, never upset about it, because I always knew that she respected me for that and it help break her of the fears she carried.

I'm coy about talking about it because I become enraged when I think of it. It takes me hours if not days to erase the image from my head....and it is a very descriptive image due to a poem she wrote about it....

Aside from that I know what the problems are. I just don't know how to correct them except patience and my actions. Even then I do not know if it is helping at all.

I know that she doesn't want to be hurt, emotionally again. So when ever she senses the emotions coming back she avoids me, sort of washes her thoughts of me. Then she comes back around,

I know she doesn't trust me. So she blocks, or so it seems, everything I do/say out of her head. She still thinks I slept with this other women, whom is her friend and she still hangs out with. I have offered a detailed recap of the night but she turns it down.

I know that she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me right now because she does not want to become intimate. Even though we both have needs. I don't understand that.

Also can someone explain this to me. I don't want to be controlling of my wife. I'm actually starting to fall for her again seeing her be independent, as far as not relying on my to do things. I've also started to get myself back by being forced to do my own things.

The things that bother me are:
This week she hasnt came home before midnight, she has been hanging out with some guys she just met, friends or not it seems disrespectful to me.
She would rather hang out with her friends then chill with me.
When I try to hang out with her at the house, when ever she is home, she is constantly on her phone texting or she makes comments like your in my space.

Then she turns around and says things like...."i want you but I can't have you, because I can't put myself through this again"

How do I react to this?
Do sit patiently and wait?
Do I mention it to her?