With out getting into TMI...
Looking for input from either side of the fence on this.
My wife and I have been having problems since May11. That was the last time we were intimate on any level. We have been talking a lot..and recently she has been accepting to my touch(rubbing her shoulders, squeezing her hand, minor things...) Can't remember how it felt to kiss her...
But on to the strange situation. Last night I offered her a Massage. She excepted it. I told her to come in the room. She got down to her draws and layed on the bed. I covered up the parts of her I wasn't rubbing, trying to show a little respect. I massaged her for about an hour and a half...full body. One thing led to another...but we stopped...
I don't know why. Suddenly this feeling of anxiety and guilt came over me, I look at her and she had the same look on her face. It was like we were strangers. Due to my wives past anytime I even see that she is remotely uncomfortable in this position I've always stopped immediately. Which I did.
I gave her clothes back to her. Then said, I didn't bring you in her for this. Something feels weird, and I can tell you are feeling it also. I asked her to get dressed, she headed back to the guest room.
I don't know what happened. We were connecting, It felt amazing(not the sexual part) but the feelings. Then suddenly I was filled with anxiety. We both agreed that it felt odd..but we also both agreed that we wanted it.
I don't know? I'm at a loss of words here. I don't know if we will ever work past this...it was the first time we had been intimate since all our problems have been aired.
Right now you are both trying to figure out your relationship and it's a very difficult and confusing time. Whether conscious or not, getting to that level of intimacy probably triggered the anxiety of 'will this do more damage tomorrow?' and it was probably a good thing you backed off. I think the best part of hearing this is that you both did reconnect at an intimate level and both realized it's too soon to move forward in that area.
I think in your case, I know exactly what you should do. Tell your wife, that despite the strange feeling, you want to continue giving her massages on a regular basis. And that is it. Just see what come of this situation. The feeling "strange" is a good sign. It means that the connection between you is very strong, but it's gotten all twisted.
If you can persist with the massages, with no other pressure to take it further - the high that you also felt will get bigger and bigger, and the bad feeling will get dimmer. Also, she seems to be hinting that she want you to take the lead with intimacy. But she is the type that does not like too many WORDS. Let your hands do the speaking. If she does not like something, she will soon let you know. Personally, just a hunch but, I doubt she will stop you if you act confidently at the right moment.
Yes, I really believe that you must go slow, but steady. You should not escalate the level of intimacy until some of the anxiety has evaporated.
On the other hand you must not loose ground. Hence my suggestion for scheduling regular massages. I would even go as far as setting up definite times and dates, if that suites your personalities. Perhaps 2 or 3 times a week. More maybe.
Setting up dates isn't our thing...but continuous massages I can probably accomplish...
Funny thing is when things started to heat up, I said to stop me if you feel uncomfortable, She didn't I just felt that it wasn't the right time for us to continue...but I am glad we connected at some level.
This strange feeling you felt, Intuitively, I can almost taste it - in my mouth and stomach, if that makes sense. You must continue with the massages, and be manly about it, I feel she wants you to be more confident.
But I warn you, when the damn bursts this is going to be powerful. She might hit you, scream, drag you off to bed, who can say. Just be ready for fireworks, this is not going to be smooth at all. This situation has all the hallmarks of an explosive situation. whatever comes up, if you can deal with it without so much as a raised eyebrow, you will be king!
What women hate, when they reveal their emotions, is to feel ridiculed, or that they have gone too far.
I plan to continue the massages, but....do I mention or talk to her about last night?
Shes not very talkative about our situation...she seems to react more to my actions as long as I make her think it was her Idea...but something has to be said if she made the statement I was worried it would get this far....if she was worried, and came in anyways she wanted it to right?
I guess confidence is the key...
Just as one more point...even though the sex is more then welcome...thats not what I'm looking for right now. I want to be able to have a continuous connection rather then this erratic connection that we have.
As long as we are doing things that won't even possibly lead down the road of us getting intimate then she is normal....
But today she hasn't even sent me a message, didn't put the dog back in our room this morning...I feel like she is in shock...
I get that feeling like when a guy is dating a chick and she starts to like him a little too much he pulls back...except Visa Versa with my wife...I feel head over heels in love with her right now...and she isn't quite sure where we stand in her head...so I don't know
Last edited by hitrockbottom; 08-11-2008 at 03:41 PM.
I would absolutly not talk about it unless she raises it. You must not break the spell. You are right to say "she wanted it", but you must not let on that you know. Be like an innocent child.
In a situation like this, you must learn to keep your mouth shut. We men can never hold our own in the spoken language stakes, to enter into it is to invite defeat.
You may have to back off for a day or two, but when the time is right offer the massages. She already knows that you are not going to automatically escalate it too fast.
Keep us updated. If you can keep your cool and your nerve, you will be in for a very pleasant surprise. Be nice to her, but be manly, don't gush, don't fawn.
By not doing the obvious thing of discussing what happend or analysing it, you will appear mysterious to her. That's what you need to be: Mr X
I understand the advice given, but keep in mind, it's starting to feel just a wee bit too much like playing a game, or manipulating the situation. I'm not saying it's wrong advice and I'm certainly not suggesting you need to press your wife on every single thing. I'm just saying take a step back and make sure you're not sacrificing open communication for maneuvering yourself in a way you are only assume is the right direction. When you make guesses about what you "think" your wife wants or doesn't want and take action based on those guesses, especially about the important things (and what happened the other night was a very big thing,) you can make a misstep right now when you can't really afford many. She probably does need her space, but it doesn't hurt anything to let her know that you aren't trying to ignore what happened, but that you are just trying to give her whatever space she needs to sort through what she was feeling.
I don't know for sure, but the way you wrote what happened, I'm not sure she may have really known what you were thinking either. It sounded like you backed off and handed her her clothes without really telling her why. She's no more of a mind reader than you are, and may be making all sorts of wrong assumptions. So go ahead and tell her what it meant to you, why it was important, and why you stopped. It doesn't have to be a "let's sit down and talk this out" moment that forces her to respond in kind. It can be a quiet moment where you just say it in passing just to let her know where you stand. You're not pushing it with her, but your not forcing her to assume anything about your emotions either.
I don't see anything wrong with him talking, if she starts it, but otherwise, the communication is best done non verbally now. It's very hard to argue, if you haven't said anything...wrong.
The only talking i suggest is saying that he really enjoyed giving her the massage, and he wants to do it more often. that sends the message, that he was not backing out, without trying to analyse what happened.
I don't know what goes through my wifes head..and like Blue creek stated she doesn't know what goes through mine.
She has been avoiding the house since sunday. Last night we got into an argument..I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted me but couldn't put herself through this again.
I was left really in awe...
Sucks to think you hurt the one you loved that badly.
I mentioned Sunday Night..I explained that I wasn't sure really why I pulled back. I guess I was scared of what would come next. I told her that the feelings I felt that night I hadn't felt for her in awhile. I also said I didn't know how else to convey to her that I only want her in my life. I referenced all the things I have done as of late (Fixed her car, fixed her dads car, fixed a lot of the house, dropped all the female friends that I have which she might have thoughts or trigger her images, Tell her where I am going, make promises and keep them, not going out all the time...)
I just don't know anymore...I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of rejection. Im tired of seeing her hurt and not wanting to tell me about it. I'm tired of this one sided healing.
I don't know what goes through my wifes head..and like Blue creek stated she doesn't know what goes through mine.
She has been avoiding the house since sunday. Last night we got into an argument..I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted me but couldn't put herself through this again.
I was left really in awe...
Sucks to think you hurt the one you loved that badly.
I mentioned Sunday Night..I explained that I wasn't sure really why I pulled back. I guess I was scared of what would come next. I told her that the feelings I felt that night I hadn't felt for her in awhile. I also said I didn't know how else to convey to her that I only want her in my life. I referenced all the things I have done as of late (Fixed her car, fixed her dads car, fixed a lot of the house, dropped all the female friends that I have which she might have thoughts or trigger her images, Tell her where I am going, make promises and keep them, not going out all the time...)
I just don't know anymore...I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of rejection. Im tired of seeing her hurt and not wanting to tell me about it. I'm tired of this one sided healing.
Well the one sided healing is in part from the one sided hurt.
There is an old saying that it takes 100 good acts to fix one bad act. I think in your case this applies. You are doing almost everything you can but I would suggest two things.
1) Communicate more and better with her.
2) Don't force on her what you have done to fix things, because then she will weigh them on what destroyed things.
You have to decide if you can live like this for the next year or two because it takes a long time to heal from this. Things will go slowly.
Either way regardless of what I do there is going to be some pain.
I choose to put that pain into fixing things with my wife.
Even If we divorce there will still be pain. Because I can not hate her. But I can't repeat the last year. I can't repeat what got us to this point. It is really her choice now.
I told her that she is the only person that I want to spend my life with...I made sure she knew that I WANT, as in it was my choice to her.
Giving up is easy...dealing with the pain caused from giving up is what is hard.
As for the one sidedness...it took two of us ignoring each other and the two of us not wanting to talk to each other for her to initially remove her rings.
My infidelity only came out a month after she removed her rings. I can't heal things for her, nor can I fix them. I can only reassure her that I do love her and that she is the only person for me. But "we" will not be a couple again if she does not allow for some kind of healing or anger.
But this conflict avoidance let me act like I am in high school crap will not fix anything. It will only further seed the rage/hatred/hurt in our hearts.
one last thing..
Mark Twain - Your right I could move on and have an easier life. But at what cost. I will gain my sanity, eventually, but I will lose the most important thing to me though...I don't see how that will be easier
Strange Situation
