General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife belongs here as well and came across the thread about the man who encouraged his wife to sleep with a younger man. She told me it was really interesting, and after reading it we chatted some about it. She knows of my interest to have a threesome. When we started to talk about it she said she wouldn't do that for a couple reasons: She wouldn't allow me to be with someone else, so it's not fair that she does, and she didn't think that it was good for a relationship.
The thread seemed to generate a lot of interest, and it most certainly did with us. There are specifics about their situation that I am not sure I could accept. I have come to grips with the fact that this is something I am interested in, but have left it as a thought to use when pleasuring myself. I have noticed this is a more common fantasy among men in their 30's. I am curious to see what others think about this. Does this interest you? Could you do it? If you think you could, what boundaries would you have to establish?
DISCLAIMER: I do understand that some relationships could not withstand the pressure of a situation like this (mine included). There are religious issues that would hold others back (I am not religious, so please keep those opinions out).
hubby and i enquired about swinging a while ago.
gonna b honest here as you would expect an honest answer from me.
dont do it if you have jealous tendencies.
a few ppl we noted across the swingin , were unstable.
i dont mean for that to sound awful,
but b 4 everyone hits out at me.
ITS MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
an old mate of mine had 3somes with her hubby and her old school chum.
but he would never let her have her fantasy. she never got to have 2 men at once. i think thats very selfish . she never did get her way.
but for fact i know just to pi** him of , she went with an ex boyfriend. and she sleeps around all the time, just to get her attention.
i know thats only one person.
one couple that wanted to go with us, were unhygienic---uhhh,
a few of the ppl were self harmers.
and also a good mate of mine, who went to clubs, said exactly the same.
we were going to advertise to go with a couple of similar backgrounds to ourselves. had a bit of class etc etc.
i dont think im unattractive - so my standards would not be less than my own.
fortunately our sex life took a turn for the best and we didnt need the extra.
but we thought we needed to because our sex life at the time, although good, we thought it needed a bit of spice.
id never say never.
we actually made the spice ourselves.
i do know that local swingers clubs and other places of similar, have rules.
basically no means no. they dont have single men, but gladly have single women.
sex threads will be popular because ppl like sex.
My opinion is based on a personal experience my husband and I had around 15 years ago. Too much champaigne and a friend from High School was visiting with us for the evening and things got out of control. I admit, I was the major instigator, but I definitely was not in my right mind, the event was totally unplanned, although my husband and I had "talked" about it, just like you two are. From the next morning to this date I have regretted it. Especially since we just recently were faced with something similar and it backfired in my face. My husband knew how I regretted that night, but just recently we were out dancing with a couple and my husband got carried away and he threw the incident that happened 15 years ago in my face. He said since we had done it before that he thought I would be okay with it.
Had I not been so drunk, I probably never would have went through with it. I haven't spoken to my friend since the week after. The thought of her with my husband still haunts me. There are a lot of things a couple can do to spark a relationship, this shoudn't be one of them.
I appreciate you feedback. I am very sorry to hear that it did not turn out as you had hoped. I don't think I would be able to just jump into something like that drunk, or sober. I would have to have all bounaries set and established before.
Just to clarify, we are not talking about making this happen. We talked about it, and came to the conclusion that would not work for our marriage. I know what I can handle, and what I can't. My wife has made clear what her boundaries are, and those are what makes this unrealistic for our relationship. I understand her thoughts, and wouldn't push it. I do think that when you jump in without thinking about the aftermath, the situation you are in happens more often than not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tnt20years
My opinion is based on a personal experience my husband and I had around 15 years ago. Too much champaigne and a friend from High School was visiting with us for the evening and things got out of control. I admit, I was the major instigator, but I definitely was not in my right mind, the event was totally unplanned, although my husband and I had "talked" about it, just like you two are. From the next morning to this date I have regretted it. Especially since we just recently were faced with something similar and it backfired in my face. My husband knew how I regretted that night, but just recently we were out dancing with a couple and my husband got carried away and he threw the incident that happened 15 years ago in my face. He said since we had done it before that he thought I would be okay with it.
Had I not been so drunk, I probably never would have went through with it. I haven't spoken to my friend since the week after. The thought of her with my husband still haunts me. There are a lot of things a couple can do to spark a relationship, this shoudn't be one of them.
I could never do it because it would kill me inside to know that someone else is turning on my wife and driving her to ecstasy. While the idea of a woman kissing or fondling another may be a bit exciting, I can readily tell that such imagination is one thing, and the post reality is something completely different for me. I'd never be able to drive that image out of my mind, of her grinding against anyone else, man or woman, in the throws of passion and excitement. I only want my wife turned on, excited by, or thinking sexually about, one person, me.
So obviously, what everyone has said is very accurate.
First, is there really something you can get out of having a threesome that you can't have with just the two of you? Is there some greater turn on that you two can't just find in each other, that you would need to bring someone else into it?
Second, is there any hint of jealousy in either of you? Can you both accept one partner receiving sexual completion from someone else and being ok with that image stuck in your mind for the rest of you life?
If there really some part of your sex life that won't feel complete without another body, and if you can both honestly look each other in the eye and say you'll have no issues after the fact with those memories, hey...more power to you. I couldn't ever survive that, but I'm not one to say anyone else shouldn't do whatever floats their boat.
I would say this, you've had problems for a while and are only now really starting to open up communication and resolve some of your issues in your marriage. The communication and talking about things like this are fine. But as a friendly word of caution, I'd save something like following through with such discussions for later. If there is any chance of it causing either of your harm, I'd wait until things are a bit stronger between you guys before moving forward. I do believe only the strongest of marriages can keep something like that as a positive experience.
*EDIT*
I posted this before I saw your last response about already deciding not to move in that direction.
I could never do it because it would kill me inside to know that someone else is turning on my wife and driving her to ecstasy. While the idea of a woman kissing or fondling another may be a bit exciting, I can readily tell that such imagination is one thing, and the post reality is something completely different for me. I'd never be able to drive that image out of my mind, of her grinding against anyone else, man or woman, in the throws of passion and excitement. I only want my wife turned on, excited by, or thinking sexually about, one person, me.
So obviously, what everyone has said is very accurate.
First, is there really something you can get out of having a threesome that you can't have with just the two of you? Is there some greater turn on that you two can't just find in each other, that you would need to bring someone else into it?
Second, is there any hint of jealousy in either of you? Can you both accept one partner receiving sexual completion from someone else and being ok with that image stuck in your mind for the rest of you life?
If there really some part of your sex life that won't feel complete without another body, and if you can both honestly look each other in the eye and say you'll have no issues after the fact with those memories, hey...more power to you. I couldn't ever survive that, but I'm not one to say anyone else shouldn't do whatever floats their boat.
I would say this, you've had problems for a while and are only now really starting to open up communication and resolve some of your issues in your marriage. The communication and talking about things like this are fine. But as a friendly word of caution, I'd save something like following through with such discussions for later. If there is any chance of it causing either of your harm, I'd wait until things are a bit stronger between you guys before moving forward. I do believe only the strongest of marriages can keep something like that as a positive experience.
*EDIT*
I posted this before I saw your last response about already deciding not to move in that direction.
Yes, we are both fully aware of what our relationship is able to maintain. I brought this topic up, because after reading the thread about the husband letting his wife sleep with a younger man it brought the discussion up with us. It is a thought provoking topic, and an interesting one in my opinion. I am more curious as to why it seems to be a more common thought for people in their 30's.
On a personal note, I will say that I do enjoy pushing boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. If my wife was able to deal with the situation, and was comfortable with it, I would ask to give it a try. She is not, so we will leave it at that. In my humble opinion, life is very short, and we are young for an even shorter time. Why not explore, and try things why we can?
for me sex is an expression of love. I can't do something for the pleasure of myself or her if I don't love the person and since it would take away from my relationship with my wife why bother. If my wife's sex drive is that much why cut down mine between two and not do the job myself. On the opposite side she feels the same way.
Further you have to consider what it might do to the relationship. What if they have VD or AIDS. What happens if they don't like being the "toy" and looks to break up the marriage.
Also depending on how incusive you are what happens if one does get jealous, or someone gets the information out there. How would you like a three way fight or three people bringing their problems to the relationship?
For me there is to many what ifs.
Further, it is a moral issue for many people let alone a religious one.
Unfortunately, just by talking about it, we evidently assumed that it would OK to partake in this type of venture...I realize now that I should have put a whole lot more thought into it...on the other hand, my husband is not a jealous person and he just needed to hear me talking about it to think it was all right.
Unfortunately, just by talking about it, we evidently assumed that it would OK to partake in this type of venture...I realize now that I should have put a whole lot more thought into it...on the other hand, my husband is not a jealous person and he just needed to hear me talking about it to think it was all right.
I am curious to hear more about the negative things that came from the experience. I am not a jealous person as long as I know that I am getting all the information, and nothing is being held back. If you are uncomfortable posting that, feel free to send me a message.
Now that I think back, it was probably more like 8 years ago since this happened. I can't speak for my husband, but I can speak from my point of view. I always felt very "safe" with my husband, like I was the only one for him, the sparkle in his eye. After this experience, I saw a big (huge) change in him. His self-confidence sky-rocketed!!! His ego has become enormous!! He changed from a friendly fellow into a very confident flirtatous he-man. His appearance has changed, he dresses nicer, prefer's more expensive clothing, more trendy clothes, cologne, etc. It's like it gave him a taste of what he could have if I weren't around...does this make sense??? It gave him a taste of the "greener grass" and made him think that he could have or be with anyone he wants, so if I quarrel with him or disagree with what he does, in his mind he thinks "Big deal, I can replace her with any other woman". The experience taught him that he can still find pleasure with any woman, not just me. Hopefully, that hasn't happened in reality, although I have been concerned about relationships he has had with certain women. I don't think it has went past flirtation, but how would I know unless I caught him???
For me, sex has to be an expression of love. So I say spice it up but just between you two. Many couples get in to "routines" and you can definately add the thrill back in by throwing out the routines and doing things differently. I have known two couples who admitted to swinging and deeply regretted it. One of these couples is now divorced, the other are still married but to this day throw it in each other's face each accusing the other of cheating (even though both were agreeable to it). I really think there is no one who can honestly say they wouldn't feel at least a smidge of jealousy if they love their spouse. I think that would lead to bigger cracks in the relationship. So its a "to thumbs down" for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dancing Nancie
My wife belongs here as well and came across the thread about the man who encouraged his wife to sleep with a younger man. She told me it was really interesting, and after reading it we chatted some about it. She knows of my interest to have a threesome. When we started to talk about it she said she wouldn't do that for a couple reasons: She wouldn't allow me to be with someone else, so it's not fair that she does, and she didn't think that it was good for a relationship.
The thread seemed to generate a lot of interest, and it most certainly did with us. There are specifics about their situation that I am not sure I could accept. I have come to grips with the fact that this is something I am interested in, but have left it as a thought to use when pleasuring myself. I have noticed this is a more common fantasy among men in their 30's. I am curious to see what others think about this. Does this interest you? Could you do it? If you think you could, what boundaries would you have to establish?
DISCLAIMER: I do understand that some relationships could not withstand the pressure of a situation like this (mine included). There are religious issues that would hold others back (I am not religious, so please keep those opinions out).
For a long time there was a forum out there just about sex, the ups and downs and every type and thing. I will tell you this it was a 50/50 of the thirty or so people that admitted to having a threesome or swinging. about half lost their partners within a year. Others said it completed a weak area or improved an area of their relationship. But on a 50/50 I would never risk it myself.
on a thought, be prepared for the unevitable . you wont be prepared for the future.
also if you were sure of what you wanted to do, by now you would have done it.
you are unsure, this thread you started says that.
its ok to fantasise though, infact keep it that way.
Involving others sexually into marriage 
