I guess since seeing how a surgery can and sometimes does go wrong like with my sis it scares the hell out of me to even think of he and I having to deal with another situation like that, and yes I am having a hard time about the girl he's talking to online cause I feel that he's turning to her instead of me which is probably my fault to an extent but can honestly say through all of our years of marriage I have never done anything like that as far as I am concerned when someone starts sending private messages and setting up a face to face meeting so they can talk about the surgery since she has already had it, I feel like with all the research we've done together on it why does he need to have a face to face meeting with her and why does he have to personal message her to say good night-not sure if he will have an affair after surgery and that is only one of my fears the others are all the problems people have with gall bladders, leakage, blood clots, vitamin deficiancies, etc etc etc. And again I know some of my fears are ones I need to deal with, I just ask myself if things are going so good for us why does he need to throw a wrench into it!
thanks again to everyone
I think you will find a lot of helpful advice on here about the 'chatting online with that girl' problem. Have you considered going to a counselor? It seems like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety.
Maybe because you doubt or worry about the surgery he feels he can not talk to you about it. Let him know that you are there to listen and research with him. Like I said I dealt with it with the wife and she has had to see me go through alot with my MD. Sometimes you do things because you want to be better and if you don't it effects your self esteem. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but at all costs talk to him and let him know you are an ear to listen. If you don't fight him and just listen he might talk to you more and her less.
yep I agree I do have anxiety problems, and am trying to get them under control. I will try your advice tonight. He actually invited me with and I said no!! Said I really can't listen to anymore of this surgery crap ya ya I know but at the time lol, anyways will give the I am interested and not become defensive or offensive at any time during the conversation tonight! thanks again
Well ok I took everyone's advice, last night on the discovery channel were a couple of shows about gastric bypass, I asked my hubbie if we could sit down and have a date to learn more about it together. We did and it was ok, I was more interested in the fact that he was spending time with me than on the computer with lou lou as she calls herself on the wls forum(yes this is the girl I talked about earlier) anyway even as we watched the shows, as it showed the excess skin and other things about the surgery 3 times he made a comment hmmmm I wonder if lou lou has that? Ok yes this totally irratated me but I did not blow up, I just said it bothers me when you talk about her when we are trying to spend time as a couple and I let it go--now is that how you would have handled it? Keep the coaching coming cause I need it! Thanks for listening,
It doesnt sound like you really enjoyed the evening at all. but you are at the beginning and have a lot of emotions to work through. just give it some time.
i could be totally wrong but something ive learned from reading different posts, and also in my own marriage, is that if you openly discourage your spouse from talking about lou lou then he will just hide it from you. Then it will become more of an issue because you will have to find the conversations and will feel it as more of a betrayal. Plus he will be more inclined to have the conversations in private and that could lead to something else. Since he is so open about her i think you should just listen and let it go. Pretend that you trust him and just be curious. Once you start being more supportive of his emotional state i think he will fade from lou lou. And once you feel more of an emotional connection with him i think your fears will fade.
I've started taking this approach with my H and i feel better. My H is a porn addict and for awhile i shunned it, didnt want to talk about it, etc but after reading on these sites i realized that was the wrong approach. I told him yesterday that i realized he was going through a lot and i was sorry i wasnt supporting him. I just realized we're in this together. He's not hurting me intentionally, and there is more then one way to look at a 'problem.' Im trying not to be so concerned with 'what he's doing to me' as much as 'what he's going through.'
Also, its good that you are doing things he is interested in. But make sure you do things that you both are interested in. You dont want to end up feeling like your relationship is all one sided.
Hi again, actually I did enjoy some of it as we were learning about things together, it was his stupid heckling that wrecked it, but again I will try harder next time to not even respond to his stupid lou lou comments think that would probably be best, and yes I admit I need to work on my trust issues, I do not deny that for a minute. Thanks for the info on your little experiment and I will definately give it a try. thanks again everyone-
Re: Newbie
