mr_pete

I am going to apologize now for the lengthy thread.

Here is the story with my wife and I. Basically I feel that she does not she me enough affection, intimacy, etc.

Background: We have been married for 14 years, have 3 kids. We have known each other for almost 20 years, and dated for 3-4 years before getting married. I work full-time in a fairly hi-stress job. My wife works part time, but takes care of the house, the kids, baseball, etc.

Like most, when we first got together, the attraction was very hi, very physical, etc.

I have always had a much higher sex drive than my wife. Over the past couple of years, the affection, sex, etc in our marriage seems almost non-existient. If I do not initiate a hug, kiss, etc, it never happens. Sex is almost non-existient too. There have been times when it was 6-7 months without sex.

I have tried to talk to my wife on a few occasions, and it get turned around to me. How can she feel sexy, etc, when she is always tired from taking care of the house, the kids, etc. She says that a messy house, unapid bills, etc pills the stress on her, and she cannot feel sexy, etc when she is stressed.

She also was saying she was not comfortable with herself, as she gained weight,etc. In regards to the weight thing, in the past few months, she has lost 30+ pounds and looks hotter than ever.

I am not sure what to do. I have taken the 5 languages to love quiz, and I am by far a physical person.

I am not asking for sex 3-4 times a week, but a few times a month would be great, and just some basic affection would go miles!

Now, by no means am I perfect, far from it. But I love my wife, my family, and would do anything for them.

I am getting concerned that she is not attracted to me anymore. When we have sex, it is great, so I am not sure the issue.

Really looking forward to how I can fix this problem and get my wife back!

TIA

Pete

Deejo

The most straightforward way to get a sense of where your marriage stands is to have a discussion.

The discussion shouldn't be about what you perceive as her avoidance or lack of interest in you. The point of the discussion is to discover how she feels about your marriage and HER life.

If she isn't happy with herself and her direction, it won't matter if you're Prince Charming.

It's not your job to make her ok with her life, but ... it is your job to always bring your 'A' game to the marriage.
Be the kind of partner that attracted her to you in the first place.

Own your sh!t. Don't look for excuses if you mess up. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do what you say will you do.
I don't really know how else to phrase this other than suggesting that you cultivate a sense of personal honor and personal boundaries. Live by them. Defend them.

Before I get wordy ... the only changes to be made, must be made by you. You cannot change her. You cannot make her do a damn thing. But ... by changing how you do things, a side-effect is that she may change how she does things, or how she sees you.

Lots of information on this subject in the Men's Clubhouse.

I will also point out that if a spouse usually makes drastic changes in their appearance in terms of weight loss, fitness, wardrobe, or attitude - and you are not on the receiving end of those benefits, or they seem detached, it is a classic red flag for active, or pending infidelity. I'm giving you a heads up. I'm not telling you your wife is having an affair.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

Beverley

For most women, sex in particular is all in the head and they have to feel good about themselves to want to make love. Your wife says that she doesn't feel sexy because she's stressed all the time.

Rather than criticizing her for not wanting to have sex (which will only make matters worse) have you tried helping out with the chores that are bogging her down? Maybe if you share them, she won't be so tired and stressed.

Do you tell her how sexy and gorgeous you think she is? It may help if you work at building her confidence and make her feel good about herself again.

Deejo

Helping is always a good thing ... but

You need to be careful before diving headlong into helping out. Women consistently say they would love it if their husbands helped out more ... but when they do, it does NOT translate into appreciation and affection. Quite often they presume that you are ONLY helping because you want to get laid, and they instead pull away more. Again, information for you to process based upon your current circumstances.

You would be better served by taking actions for her benefit without consulting her. Round up the kids and take them out to give mom a break. If there are tasks that she consistently has to ask you or remind you to do ... start doing them proactively without her having to coach you. This is a HUGE turnoff when they have to treat you like one of the kids.

Do these things because you should, not because you hope she will notice and throw herself at you. It's a process.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

Conrad

Deej is right on.

I've seen it posted here that a "foot rub" is a good way to initiate closeness, as offering a "massage" indicates some sort of ulterior motive.

Be attractive to her. Be the man she fell in love with.

That man didn't whine about no sex or affection.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

mr_pete

Thanks for the response folks. I do not criticize her for not wanting sex at all, but do try and discuss it with her ad find out why.

I also try to help eliviate stress, but sometimes she accusses me of doing that only cause I want sex. I feel that I am in a no-win situation.

In one sense, I want to talk with her about how I feel, but I am very hesitant as I have done that in the past and she turns it back on me, which I feel in not 100% fair.

Keep the suggestions coming.

mentallydrained

Mr Pete...I am your wife (well...not literally ) I am the same in way of insecurity with body image. I never let H see me undress anymore, when there was intamicy it was lights out and normally tshirt or something still on. In counseling it was explained to him that even though he still found me sexy, for me personally, it's like a person with anorexia. What I see in the mirror isn't close to what other's may see. It is a disease and can ruin alot of happiness. I know...I'm there.

And the others are correct. My H had lame brain idea (sorry) to listen to Opera and Dr Phil that all women want is men to cook, clean, etc. That those things were like 'foreplay'. For me, not even close. Reason being, my H did all those things prior and not for me but because he lived on own, took care of himself and they had to be done. So that never changed. When those things need done and I can't or not able, he does them as well. Then he stopped, thinking making a point...well that back fired too. Just continue to be you. For some women, something like just snuggling watching TV (without all the groping hoping to push for sex) may be enough for her to turn it back on you.

Not much of help here, sorry.

frustr8dhubby

Wow, you are me. Rather than hijacking your thread, I will post my own..

lime

From a female perspective: STOP STOP STOP "helping" with chores!!! It can do several harmful things:
1. Make her think you're only doing it for the sex, like you said.

2. Make her feel inadequate--like she doesn't have the ability to hold up her end of the bargain. This will lead her to try and find other ways to feel superior to you to make up for her feelings of inferiority in this department...Guess what she'll do? Wield more power in the sex department.

3. Make her lose respect for you, like you're trying too hard to please her. When you "help" you're following her orders which means you're not being the strong, confident man she wants you to be.

4. Make her mad because you will have taken away her one "excuse" for feeling tired all the time. It's like you outsmarted her, and this will just irritate her.

It can do one helpful thing:
1. Make your house look a little cleaner.

You have kids. Their sole purpose in life should be to do all the chores. Haha just kidding, but they do need to learn how to help! This will actually teach them a lot of valuable skills in life so get your wife on board and get them to start helping more. It will alleviate stress without making her resentful of you.

MORE CHORE SUGGESTIONS:

1. Make a plan together of who does what. "Helping" out here and there sporadically is bad because it makes her uncertain of when you'll help or not. Consequently she'll start demanding it more. People like routine, it's comforting and reduces stress.

2. Own your ****. If you agree to do a chore, do it well and don't complain. Complaining makes you look weak. If she complains, don't just step in and help her--it will encourage her whining. Instead, sit down and discuss the possibility of reorganizing the responsibilities. Don't ask her advice of how she wants the trashbag to be tied, the forks to be angled in the drawer, etc. This is just petty B.S. and her way to control everything and feel smug and superior...Do it your way and if she whines, keep doing it your way, respectfully of course. Don't let her boss you around unless she has a calm, logical reason (ie: youngest child has been stabbing himself with the forks by accident).

3. Every time she whines about chores or is stressed with that stuff, listen politely but don't indulge her. Chores are not that hard. She's likely channeling stress from other areas and blaming it on chores and you. Don't let her do this.

I get that chores aren't your problem, but many women like to blame everything on chores. You want to eliminate the problem and her ability to use chores as an excuse--but you want to do it with her on board...If you sneakily try and eliminate all potential excuses, she'll just get mad at you (see #4 above). You want to do it together as a team so that she gains respect for you and so that both of you are less stressed with stupid unnecessary stresses like chores.

OTHER ADVICE:

Start working out more, at least 3-4 times per week. It's healthy for you, it will help you relieve stress, and it will make you more attractive. It will also give you something to do that you're completely autonomous over; you want to appear strong and independent, not clingy and needy. Your wife might appreciate the extra alone time she has to herself and she might even miss you when you're at the gym. You will set a good example for your kids to live a healthy lifestyle. This can do nothing but help you, I promise!

Along those lines, develop some more hobbies that you do on your own. Get in touch with yourself as an individual, start being more independent. It increases your attractiveness and lessens the severity of your marital problems.

This was really really long haha, but I hope it helped in at least some way

kingsqueen

First of all, I want to say that I love your post. You sound very aware of your issue and you sounds really motivated to solve the problem that you are facing. That is AWESOME.

You said that you took the 5 love language quiz and you know your language. That is great - but do you know hers? That could help a lot!

Good luck!