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Old 12-29-2010, 04:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default grumpy husband

I'm hoping someone can give me a bit of help. My problems seem insignificant compared to most on this forum, but to me they are pretty major. The bottom line is that my husband seems to spend most of his time being a moany, touchy grouch. He seems to have the ability to turn almost anything into an opportunity to complain, moan or criticise. I've tried to look at my own behaviour to see if I am going wrong somewhere, but I honestly can't see that it has anything to do with me directly. I've read some stuff on how to go about improving marriages etc., and I've tried to ignore his grumpiness and look at the positive side of his character, but it's getting harder and harder for me to accept.

So my question is, should I tell him that he is becoming unbearable? I've tried to tell him in the past but he says that I'm over-sensitive. (Everybody knows him to be a "difficult" person, he can't get along with our 15 year old daughter at all, and on Christmas Day he said something hurtful and totally uncalled for and managed to fall out with our 21 year old son) Should I try harder to make him see that he is making my life miserable, or will this make things worse? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I don't have anyone to ask for advice from, so anything anyone has to offer would be great.
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Old 12-29-2010, 04:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

Has he had a physical lately? I'm guessing based on the age of your children that he is somewhere in his 40's. There are many possible physical reasons for him to become grumpy starting around this age (for example: stress, low testerone, not enough sleep, etc.). He may have always been a bit of a grouch but physical issues can aggravate the problem and make his behavior worse. I would encourage him to get checked with his doctor.
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Old 12-29-2010, 07:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by asteri View Post
I'm hoping someone can give me a bit of help. My problems seem insignificant compared to most on this forum, but to me they are pretty major. The bottom line is that my husband seems to spend most of his time being a moany, touchy grouch. He seems to have the ability to turn almost anything into an opportunity to complain, moan or criticise. I've tried to look at my own behaviour to see if I am going wrong somewhere, but I honestly can't see that it has anything to do with me directly. I've read some stuff on how to go about improving marriages etc., and I've tried to ignore his grumpiness and look at the positive side of his character, but it's getting harder and harder for me to accept.

So my question is, should I tell him that he is becoming unbearable? I've tried to tell him in the past but he says that I'm over-sensitive. (Everybody knows him to be a "difficult" person, he can't get along with our 15 year old daughter at all, and on Christmas Day he said something hurtful and totally uncalled for and managed to fall out with our 21 year old son) Should I try harder to make him see that he is making my life miserable, or will this make things worse? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I don't have anyone to ask for advice from, so anything anyone has to offer would be great.
Listen, this is important. It happened to me. You not only should tell him your marriage is on the line unless he gets help for his depression, you have a DUTY to do so. You've got to give him a strong, clear warning, repeatedly if necessary. Not to do so, while letting your love die is neglectful on your part. The upside is that if he does not take action on this warning (give him every help and support with overcoming his issue, which may be health related)... or if he makes no valid effort, then you have strong cause to separate without undue guilt.
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Old 12-29-2010, 07:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

If the grumpiness is that constant, and it's making you that miserable, then yes, you need to tell him, even if it causes a fight.

I understand your reluctance to cause an argument, but at the same time, you cannot and should not sacrifice your happiness just to keep the peace.

If he refuses to seek help, and/or insists this is just who he is, then you need to consider whether or not it's really worth this. I know you love him, and I know how hard it can be to leave someone you still love, but if you stay and allow him to continue to make your life miserable, eventually you will stop loving him and begin resenting him and that resentment will taint all of your memories of him.

The first step is to tell him what he's doing and insist something be done about it. Whether you insist he see a doctor for a health check up, or see a therapist for some counseling or just insist he stop treating you that way, doesn't matter. You have to take that first step to let him know you won't be treated this way anymore.
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Old 12-29-2010, 07:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I agree with others. He might need a physical. Especially if he is a certain age. If everything there is ruled out, and nothing is medically wrong, then perhaps go the other route to a head doctor to see if they can find out what the problem is.
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Old 12-29-2010, 06:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I'll give them all some thought. I'll probably be back soon for more help.
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Old 12-30-2010, 05:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Okay. You've made some good points. Since it's bothering me that much, I have to say something. But I have a feeling that things won't change much though because I reckon that it's just the way he is It seems to be a bit more prominent now, as he gets older, and I suppose that I've changed too. But I will discuss it with him. I'll also mention the check-up idea, but I don't think it's a medical thing and he would have to be at death's door to go to the doctor anyway, but I'll mention it.

So, if he realises what it is that's bothering me and things get better, then problem solved. But what happens if he doesn't/can't/won't change? I then have to decide if his attitude is a 'dealbreaker' for me, or not. Because this isn't something clear cut, like abuse or cheating for example, how do I know if I'll be better off with or without my marriage? (He is 'difficult', but his behaviour isn't emotional abuse) I know you can't answer that for me because you don't know my husband and you're not me, but how does someone make such a decision. It seems almost impossible.

Any opinions appreciated.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

"But what happens if he doesn't/can't/won't change? I then have to decide if his attitude is a 'dealbreaker' for me, or not. Because this isn't something clear cut, like abuse or cheating for example, how do I know if I'll be better off with or without my marriage?"

Yes, this is a touch one, because as you stated its not a clear cut as cheating or abuse etc. What will happen is, if he choose to not try to help him self and get to the root of what may or may not be going on with him and he stays this way, then the ball is in your court, it will be up to you what you feel you is a dealbreaker for you.

I'm all for people working things out in the marriage, and I believe sometimes people are to quick to throw in the towel. However, what might be a dealbreaker for you might not be for me etc. I also believe that if one person is going to try and the other isn't willing to work on things and meet them half way, then the chances of the marriage succeeding are pretty slim. Life is to short to be miserable, and you will have to think long and hard if you feel this is something that you can or can not live with if in fact he doesn't try to get some help.
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

Does your husband get enough sleep? Does he snore quite loudly? (i.e. sleep apnia), Do you snore?, does he drink before he goes to bed.

The number one cause of "grumpyness" is not getting enough sleep, which is either down to bad habits or due to a medical problem.

I was someone that was always grumpy and would fly off the handle at the slightest thing. Thats until I changed my sleeping patterns and get a consistant 7 hours, and I cannot describe how much of a change in my life this has made.
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

I'm going to second the sleep thing. Lack of sleep can be the root of a lot of problems. Even if he's been this way for many years, it still could be the culprit. It's at least worth looking into.
If he's just a grumpy old man, then you have to decide if that's how you want to spend your life. People like this make it hard to be around them.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: grumpy husband

My vote too on the sleep issue, that was a big part of my problem also. Healthy diet helps a lot with sleep, you can support each other with that. Don't assume he can't change. Men have a huge capacity for change and self-improvement once they realize what's on the line.
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