General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I just saw a similar thread on the "Relationships and addictions" section which talks about how flirting is an addiction and one must take therapy or something to stop or w/e.
Personally I disagree with the majority of opinions there, I believe that it's not an addiction, and that being a flirt or even simply being charming/etc is a personality trait and should not be removed or considered a "problem" or "addiction" nor does one need "therapy" to "fix it". Hence I've made this thread for a more in-depth discussion on this issue specifically.
To me seeing it as a problem or addiction is perhaps due to insecurity or that parties feel disrespected (but that's just my opinion) etc. Now, copying and pasting what I said on the other thread:
I've always been a flirt, I even flirt with the missus' friends in front of them (especially when drunk) - but it's all fun and games, nothing is going to happen out of it (I call it "fun-flirting"). To me as long as there's trust and a clear understanding between couples it won't be an issue, anyone disagree?
Another issue is also that one party may feel disrespected or that their relationship is being disrespected by flirting. I actually wonder why this is so. Since marriage the missus has taken up a rather well "good girl" attitude, and although it's not a major issue, it's still something that comes up every once in a while.
When I was younger, I hated guys that flirted, I saw them as all fake & wanting 1 thing. As you can imagine, I was very boring back then & too serious. These days, I LOVE to flirt, I would even say I am addicted to it ! This all started when I came into my prime sexually. So when my sex drive was lower, I had little desire or care for this type of activity. Crazy what some hormones will do to your psyche!
I did not read that other link but will have to get back to it.
My feeling is -- if you have a partner who loves it, ENJOY it ! If you don't have a partner who enjoys it - I can see it might be a problem. My husband was never much of a verbal flirter, I have helped him come out just a little. Which makes my day. He is more of a toucher than a talker. I can live with this, I lavish verbal flirting on him all the time. I do think it might be a problem for me, if he did not enjoy it ! Or I might need couseling !
I've always been a flirt, I even flirt with the missus' friends in front of them (especially when drunk) - but it's all fun and games, nothing is going to happen out of it (I call it "fun-flirting").
you mean except for that one time you had the affair of course.
I agree with you Random Dude, I have a male single friend who flirts with me, and I have single female friends who flirt with my husband, it is not overly sexual but an "all in fun" kind of attitude, we are just really OPEN verbal people when we get together.
Me & the husband is always present when it is being done, and neither of us see any harm.
Man, it depends on the kind of flirting. Eye and body language flirting, being friendly, smiley and generally sociable is one thing.
Flirting as in going into conversations where you'd tell other people what you'd do to them sexually or try to pick up gals/guys (even if you don't plan on having sex with them) for the fun of it. Sending photos to random people on the web for a self-esteem boost, again...is somewhat different. This one generally becomes a problem.
The first, i guess we all do. We all meet interesting people and we flirt as an instinct, so to say. I sometimes am flirting and can't even tell i am. A person is attractive and that is my reaction (as a behavior). Guess "it is not overly sexual but an "all in fun" kind of attitude" this is what i find completely ok as well.
Thank God, my husband wouldn't know he's being flirted with if it hit him in the face!
If he did, he would probably flirt back. And then **poor insecure me** would have to sit him down and have to rationally and logically convince him why he shouldn't.
Me: Well, because it makes me feel bad..
Him: But this is not logical!
If you are flirting with others and hiding it, its a problem. If you are saying or doing things you wouldn't want your spouse to know about, its a problem.
I read once in a marriage improvement book that in the best marriages, the man and woman are not only truly faithful, but they also APPEAR faithful. When they walk into a room, you KNOW they are together.
My wife was going through some "issues" and was doing a lot of on-line flirting (and who knows what else). In her case, she was having some major self esteem issues and found it easy to get attention from guys over the internet. In a case like hers, therapy is reasonable.
One last thought - if you marry a flirt, don't expect them to change.
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Thank God, my husband wouldn't know he's being flirted with if it hit him in the face!
If he did, he would probably flirt back. And then **poor insecure me** would have to sit him down and have to rationally and logically convince him why he shouldn't.
Me: Well, because it makes me feel bad..
Him: But this is not logical!
I would be the same way. My husband also isn't really observant when it comes to women flirting with him and he doesn't really flirt with anyone else but me. I don't think I would be ok if he did, but that's my own insecurities. LOL - we would even have a similar conversation. He is an intensely logic based individual.
I do have friends who are flirts but I didn't really think of it as a problem. Certainly not one therapy is called for.
I think flirting (as described here...open and in front of your partner) is only an issue if one partner has a problem with it. I think it's disrespectful to continue the flirting behavior if it does become a problem. I also think it can seem ok to one person in the partnership for awhile but that can change, in which case, it's time to discuss it.
Man, it depends on the kind of flirting. Eye and body language flirting, being friendly, smiley and generally sociable is one thing.
Flirting as in going into conversations where you'd tell other people what you'd do to them sexually or try to pick up gals/guys (even if you don't plan on having sex with them) for the fun of it. Sending photos to random people on the web for a self-esteem boost, again...is somewhat different. This one generally becomes a problem.
The first, i guess we all do. We all meet interesting people and we flirt as an instinct, so to say. I sometimes am flirting and can't even tell i am. A person is attractive and that is my reaction (as a behavior). Guess "it is not overly sexual but an "all in fun" kind of attitude" this is what i find completely ok as well.
Agree. There would be a lot of opinions on what constitutes flirting.
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Flirting - an addiction?! 
