Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead
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Old 12-30-2010, 06:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
JAG
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Default Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

Hi Everyone,
I'm 40 and married 10 yrs with 3 fantastic young kids. The problem is my wife who i still love and care for has no interest in the marriage and definitely none in me.
Our marriage is void of any sex or physical contact and has been so for 5 - 6 years. My wife thinks this is normal and tells me that none of her married friends have any interest in sex either.
I know many of you are out there are saying - " typicial, another man obsesssed with sex", but it is important, a marriage with no physicial contact is abnormal....so i think.
She goes walking everyday, goes to pilates, meets her friends and family for coffee reqularly. Is going abroad for a weekend in jan to visit her brother who is only leaving this week. She also has another girls nite out and stay over in a hotel planned for feb.
Wheras i pay the mortgage and bills and never have money to have a social life. When not at work (Shift work) i mind the kids etc. Everyone tells me that i need to get out and get a life and i am getting out and joined a club last week.
The problem i feel is that she has so many outside interests that the marriage is not a priority for her. She is a great mother and good person deep down but i am broken at this stage. I can't take much more. we are getting marriage councelling but i feel that she is only going through the motions with that. We can't afford to seperate and i can see no end in sight....
Help.... just need someone to talk to...advice and critism welcome at this stage...
Thanks Jag
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Old 12-30-2010, 06:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

i dont think you'll find anyone here that thinks your complaints about lack of sex is no big deal. many of us on here, myself included, are in sex starved marriages and I for one am well aware of the mental torment involved. Six years is a long time to go without any affection. It is legitimate grounds for divorce, IMO.

Getting out and joining a club is a really good start. Its what ive done for myself, also. my H has tons he'd rather be doing then me and i used to sit around and dwell on it. but i stay really busy these days. i dont think you'll find that getting a life solves the problems in your marriage, but it can really help your mental health and confidence. im sure you're self-esteem is at an all time low.
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Old 12-30-2010, 06:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sure counselling will work out, there are many marriages in your shoes it seems.
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Old 12-30-2010, 07:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

If this is "normal", then marriage has, sadly, become an idiotic proposition. What intelligent male would enter into a marriage if he knew from the outset that he'd be cut off from intimacy and sex? If all someone wants is financial support, let them play the lottery or learn how to invest.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

You sound almost exactly like me. See my Same Old Problem thread. I am 40 been married almost 13 years with 3 young kids. We have "sex" about once a month. Now my wife doesn't have a big social life but at least yours is going to counceling. Mine refuses to go.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

Marriage counseling won't do much to make her more interested in you. All that will do at this point is going to have her communicate better why she isn't attracted to you anymore.

Suggest you start reading my blog asap. This is exactly the sort of reason I started it for. Married Man Sex Life

Also "girls night out at a hotel".... hmmmm. Really? Maybe look into that.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

Me again..
Asked my wife if she was still attracted to me and that no sex in a marriage was crzy. She said she was and agreed to have sex on Monday night- Jesus maybe i should give up on marriage councelling and with money saved go to prostitutes... Anywat Monday comes along and quess what.....She has her period.... WTF.....This is a total sham....
I think its time to call this quits....I'm not going through 2011 a monk.....
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Old 01-03-2011, 06:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

And it's not like she doesn't know her own schedule! My wife tracks hers by her birthcontrol packs and I track hers (discreetly) with an iPhone app. It has not lied to me yet :-)

Sounds like you guys really need to sit down and communicate this through and set your boundaries my friend. Sounds like you've allowed her to make you her own personal doormat.
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Old 01-03-2011, 07:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yes a doormat is exactly how i feel. She has so many outside interests that the marriage is not a priority....
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Old 01-03-2011, 07:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

Jag,

Don't panic.

Read Atholk's blog.

You may also want to check out this link:

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

I wish you well.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
Also "girls night out at a hotel".... hmmmm. Really? Maybe look into that.
I'm glad someone didn't let that little diddy slip bye. Biggest red flag of the whole OP and it was just kind of passed over.
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

Lack of sex is very common in - BAD marriages. It is quite abnormal in "good" marriages. As for her being a "good person" that is for you to decide. Why you think she is "good" when she cares nothing for your feelings and desires is a mystery only you can solve.

As for her attempt to brainwash you that married people don't have sex - well that is pure blameshifting from a wife who likes the status quo and cares little/nothing for her H.

Let me guess the sex died right about the time your 3rd and last child was born.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JAG View Post
Hi Everyone,
I'm 40 and married 10 yrs with 3 fantastic young kids. The problem is my wife who i still love and care for has no interest in the marriage and definitely none in me.
Our marriage is void of any sex or physical contact and has been so for 5 - 6 years. My wife thinks this is normal and tells me that none of her married friends have any interest in sex either.
I know many of you are out there are saying - " typicial, another man obsesssed with sex", but it is important, a marriage with no physicial contact is abnormal....so i think.
She goes walking everyday, goes to pilates, meets her friends and family for coffee reqularly. Is going abroad for a weekend in jan to visit her brother who is only leaving this week. She also has another girls nite out and stay over in a hotel planned for feb.
Wheras i pay the mortgage and bills and never have money to have a social life. When not at work (Shift work) i mind the kids etc. Everyone tells me that i need to get out and get a life and i am getting out and joined a club last week.
The problem i feel is that she has so many outside interests that the marriage is not a priority for her. She is a great mother and good person deep down but i am broken at this stage. I can't take much more. we are getting marriage councelling but i feel that she is only going through the motions with that. We can't afford to seperate and i can see no end in sight....
Help.... just need someone to talk to...advice and critism welcome at this stage...
Thanks Jag
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Old 01-04-2011, 12:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I am responding to maybe see if you can figure this out by putting yourself in her shoes. I went through a period (and sometimes sitll find I am in this situation) where I avoided sex with my husband also. It was for a few reasons, first, I was beginning menopause (at 42) and found I just didn't have much interest in sex at all.

Second, he was verbally and mentally abusive and I just had such a general hatred of him for this that I had absolutely no desire to be touched by him, it actually revolted me.

Third, I discovered a vast video collection of pornography on a hard drive he had (and on 2 or 3 old computers of his). There were about 400 or so videos, this from a man who often got on his soapbox about how porn was disrespectful to women and how he could not understand how men who were good Christians looked at porn. So basically he was acting like a TV envangelist with a secret life. The biggest thing that upset me was not so much the porn itself, but the fact that he had kept such a secret from me for so long and the extent he went to to preach the evils of porn while he had this huge interest/addiction to porn. Just made me feel I did not really know him.

Lastly, I work pretty hard to stay in shape and he does not. He has gained about 45 pounds in the last 5 or 6 years and my initial attraction to him slowly dwindled as he took less care of his appearance.

Not sure if any of this applies to your wife, but maybe consider whether it does nor not, or even ask her. I would think this would come out in counseling, but if she is just going through the motions then she is probably not being honest.

I wish you well, you definitely deserve intimacy and sex in your marriage.
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Old 01-04-2011, 12:56 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead

What I wouldn`t do if I were you is push the issue , the more you push it , the more resitance you are going to get . turn the switch in your brain to something else .
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi, I thought I would also give you the 'wife' point of view, it might help. My H and I have been married for 11 years, one child. I started to loose interest in him when I found myself staying at home and him out socialising, no involving me, coming home drunk at 2, 3 am. He never listened or cared how lonely I felt and never wanted sex. then I started to realise he also tells me lies, little lies, like agreeing to go to the doctors, and saying he had, or going to counselling, making a phone call etc, I find out weeks later that he never did that, he just said he did and gave me details so I'd stop asking. He also withholds money so I get financially stuck. He never showed he cared when I felt down or worried about something. Over time, I started to feel cold when he touched me. I must say that for a good few years, I put up with this and still tried to give him a chance, but like the other lady here, he doesn't care about his appearance or hygiene, so now I actually have cold feelings towards him. He doesn't socialise anymore, is rude to people and criticise my friends. he is emotionally abusive. I am staying with him for as long as I can for my son's sake!! So this is not a criticism to you, but please check what things you have done to contribute, no body is innocent!! I did this for years and we had counselling and nothing I changed has made a difference. But if you self check, you might be able to improve something, or if not, then at least you have tried everything. Sex is an important part of marriage, it keeps the flow of love and energy between the 2 people who are meant to share their lives together 'until death us do part'. So why does she say it's not important, find out why she thinks that? Also, loving, trusting intimate sex keeps us healthy and happy. It keeps us trusting and wanting the other person. after all, if 2 people in a marriage didn't share sex, then they are friends, aren't they? Well, who signed up for a partnership for life then? why let the side down? The boat has to be rowed on both sides at the same time or it won't go forward, it would just go in circles. I hope you take time to think this through, it will be good for you even if you separate. Best wishes.
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