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Old 12-30-2010, 10:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default falling for coworker

I'm married, have a good job, young daughter but ultimately got married because I felt pressured to. My mistake but we were young and I caved to pressure from family.

I do love my wife and family but our relationship has gotten very dull over the years. She's not a girly girl and never will be and I miss that from my dating days. She's a wonderful woman, we get along, we have fun together, but she probably always was better meant as a friend and not a wife. Just too many things missing from our relationship.

A coworker who I've known for 2 years and I hit it off from the beginning. We work closely together on projects so spend a lot of time together and have gotten to know each other really well. We've never had an argument, we see eye to eye on 99% of what we work on, she's fun, full of energy, intelligent, very attractive, and shows real interest in me. Whether it's work conversations or personal conversations, we just seem to connect. I'm developing a huge crush on her and feel silly saying that but it seems to be progressing further than a harmless crush. She is single and not dating anyone at the moment either.

I've been trying to be more intimate with my wife, do more with her, go on dates together without our daughter, talk with her more, and just try to work on the problem areas of our marriage. My thought is my feelings for my coworker are more what I feel I'm missing in my relationship so it's attractive.

Our marriage is doing better because of the extra effort but I continually find myself thinking of my coworker and wanting to get to work so I can interact with her, talk with her, see her. I have dreams about her and just can't get her out of my mind. She went from coworker to friend to "if I was single we'd be together" slowly over the last 2 years.

I try to find faults with her that might help me break this crush but she is so physically and intellectually attractive she's one of those 1 in a million women, I have never met anyone like her.

I don't want to hurt my wife or kids, but no matter what I seem to do I keep thinking of this other woman and can't help but wonder what life would be like with her and if I'm missing out on that "soul mate" relationship. My parents are divorced and are far happier now with their new spouses than they ever were together.

These are feelings I never felt with my wife even when we were dating.

I can't exactly quit my job or limit my interaction with her, the company is small and only so many people in each department and the economy isn't good for my line of work. It would help if she had a boyfriend but she's content being single and seems more like she's waiting for something...or someone.

I haven't talked with my wife or coworker about this. I'm afraid my coworker would reveal the same feelings for me which would really pull at my heart...or she would have the exact opposite feelings and not be understanding and then work becomes very awkward.

If I'm reading her right, she shares the same feelings as I but is being respectful of my marriage. My wife by nature worries about things and would end up worrying that I'm having an affair or would be seduced and so on.

How do you have that conversation with your wife?
I love you but I'm falling for my unmarried coworker.

Is it wise to have this conversation with my coworker? outside of work of course.
How do I have this conversation with my wife?
Do I continue to hold back the urge to say/do something and leave things be?

I'm not unhappy in my marriage, but I know in my heart it was the wrong thing to do and now I feel stuck that I'm missing out on the person I should have married (whether it be my coworker or someone else) and I have the same sorrow for my wife.

any advice would be helpful
Michael
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

I don't have too much advice, but I would bring up one point. It is very easy to see all the good things in your coworker when you have those feelings of lust. But do you have to have hard conversations with her like about your house, money, family, etc? Probably not.

Itís fun being with that other person, because you are putting your best foot forward around them. Everyone has flaws, does she know yours? Do you let them come out around her or at work? Probably not.

I would talk to your wife about feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. Then you could try a therapist and if that doesn't work go your separate ways. Don't remain in a loveless marriage, you will only regret it and resent her.

And don't get physical with your coworker. If you feel like you are both in love, it will work out in the end. After you are divorced.
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Old 12-30-2010, 01:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

+1 on the above advice. Make your decision to work on your marriage or end it WITHOUT regard to the other woman. She's likely got warts of her own that you just haven't seen yet, since you're not even dating.

Also check into "emotional affairs". Just because you haven't "done anything" doesn't mean you're not investing in a relationship with this other woman. And to some people, these emotional affairs are as damaging (or more damaging, even) than a physical affair.

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Old 12-30-2010, 01:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

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I try to find faults with her that might help me break this crush but she is so physically and intellectually attractive she's one of those 1 in a million women, I have never met anyone like her.
Oh boy... this is rather tough one... rather good thing I've always been picky come to think of it. Looks like you've met 'one of those'... aka soulmate.

From my experience though - try to think about the fact that people change, they do, and not always for the better. Try and think about that to kill off the lovey dovey feelings. I learnt that over the years with the missus.

She is my soulmate sure but there are tons of issues and problems because people by nature do grow and change (until a more mature age I guess), and in many unfortunate cases - grow apart. Perhaps even 5 years from now even if you do leave your wife and get together with this co-worker it probably won't be anything you expect.

You may even end up back at square one. Just how it is. Marriage can't survive on love and passion alone either, think about that.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

thank you!

With regard to an emotional affair I think I'm standing on the line with one foot in the air about to cross it. Which is why I'm here.

I'm in that "I want my cake and eat it too" problem. I have this stable, happy relationship built over time with my wife, although not fulfilling. To give that up, break her heart, hurt my daughter for something that may be the best thing to ever happen to me or something that may not last... venturing into an affair emotionally or physically is very tempting. If it doesn't work out I didn't lose my marriage if no one found out. And if it does work out then at least I know it will work and am not giving up everything for nothing.
NOT saying I want to do that, it's just the scenario that becomes so tempting and selfish not wanting to make a firm decision that will impact several lives....Wish I had more support before getting married in the first place.

I don't know what to do. This isn't the typical lustful crush on a beautiful woman then you get to know the person and lose those feelings. This went the other way, starting from simply coworkers and has developed in time into a strong friendship that isn't slowing down...and she's gorgeous, intelligent, fun.

If the lust feeling was gone its a no brainer continue working on my marriage and hope things continue to get better. And after some amount of time if they didn't, then would know it's time to move on. But these feelings are so overwhelming I don't know how much they are warping my view of my marriage and blinding me to my relationship with my coworker.

I know everyone is different, but do I tell my wife?
Do I tell my coworker? After all, she may not share the same feelings but I think otherwise...

So I decide yes people change, marriages have problems, but I'm committed and we can work through it...how do I lose these feelings for my coworker??

I think waiting it out and she gets a boyfriend who is good to her and I'll hear all about it and lose these feeling for her...and be genuinely happy for her. If the next guy is as bad to her as the last then it's going to have the opposite effect. Or will I forever feel that I let my soulmate slip past? For the time being she seems to have put things on hold waiting to see...try to figure out...me.
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I understand your dilemma and at least you haven't acted on it. I'm married and unfortunately having an ea and pa. My husband is emotionally abusive and we haven't had a good relationship, well probably the whole marriage. About six months before we met I had met and dated what I felt like was the other half of my soul. The crushing part was he had just got divorced and was in no shape to have a relationship. So I moved on and met my future husband. I was so happy to be wanted. My ex-boyfriend contacted me about a job with his company a few months later. I told him I'd ask my boyfriend and sent him my resume. I never heard back. I was ok with that though. I never forgot him, I could never understand feeling that right with someone and it not working out. I've never felt that way for anyone before or since.
Flash forward six years and I, completely innocently, sent him a message asking how he was. I knew he was married, apparently happy and honestly just wanted to say hi. You would have thought I handed him a winning lottery ticket. I was overwhelmed by his enthusiastic response. Long story short, all the feelings were still there, the chemistry, the pure enjoyment of just talking and joking. We've been seeing each other for three months and it's harder and harder to not fall even further every day. He knows I was already working towards independence, financially I can't leave yet. We haven't talked about his marriage much, although I do know he is unhappy. Maybe nothing will come of this, maybe I'll get divorced and move on. God help us, we may get caught and destroy a lot of people's lives. I'm not proud but it happens.
So my advice would be to really look at your marriage, think about what you're willing to give up, what you're willing to risk etc. An affair doesn't mean you're a terrible person nor does divorce. I can't give you any more advice than that, especially since I'm being stupid myself. Hang in there.

Last edited by Tiredspouse0297; 12-31-2010 at 03:50 AM.
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Old 12-31-2010, 05:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

Quote:
I know everyone is different, but do I tell my wife?
No! Hell I wouldn't, as long as you haven't acted on it. It'll just make things worse.

Quote:
Do I tell my coworker? After all, she may not share the same feelings but I think otherwise...
Dangerous call there, I wouldn't.

Quote:
So I decide yes people change, marriages have problems, but I'm committed and we can work through it...how do I lose these feelings for my coworker??
Just keep telling yourself people change, and tell yourself what I mentioned on my last post. You mentioned your current marriage also ain't forfilling, work on that.
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Old 01-01-2011, 10:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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My own opinion is think twice because you have a young daughter to raise I'm sure it would be difficult for her to see like that.
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Old 01-03-2011, 01:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

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A coworker who I've known for 2 years and I hit it off from the beginning. We work closely together on projects so spend a lot of time together and have gotten to know each other really well.
Holy Cow! You decribed me flash forward for you about 3 years! Here's what I advise based on my personal and ongoing experience - DROP THE THOUGHT FAST!

Unless you're looking for a whole lot of excitement, stress, anxioty, sleepless nights, pain, hurt, trouble, etc. etc., you need to FIRST get it figured out with your wife without the distraction of someone else being there to cloud your vision. You only have the following list of people who could potentially get emotionally hurt unless you take care of matters outside said distraction; yourself, your wife, your daughter, the other woman, your family, your wife's family, your friends, your wife's friends, the other woman's family and friends, your coworkers, people you don't even care about who are your neighbors, and on and on. Just think about the concept of trust and how hard it is to keep it, but how easy it is to lose it forever. It only takes once. I'm telling you - you're playing with fire here. You WILL get burned if you aren't smart.

On the other hand, you could do what I did and get involved (emotionally) thinking that you can handle it - that you're justified because of blah blah blah about your wife not meeting your needs - that you can just do what you think you need for yourself becasue of blah blah blah reasons and you only have one life to live so you might as well make the best of it - that love will trimuph.... Well, if any of that rant is even close to what you've been telling yourself, you're already in over your head.

If you haven't said anything or made a move yet - your lucky - don't. At least not until you're legit and have finished EVERYTHING with your wife (that's a whole 'nother' rant).

All this is coming to you courtesy of my personal experience - because right now, I'm standing in front of a 90 mph emotional freight train - it hasn't hit yet, but it's coming. I hope my rant can spare you pain similar to mine - just don't do it - at least not until you know you've done the right thing about your current relationships.
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Old 01-03-2011, 09:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

Your having a EA, but its not that big of a EA, because more than likely, its one sided... yours. You are experiencing, the Grass is always Greener. Well sometimes its not, you are seeing all the good traits of hers that you want to see. Dating her... might be something totally different. You come into contact with a lot more emotions of woman when you are actually seeing her.

As for telling her on your wife. I live by the rule to never volunteer hurtful information. You could permantly damage your wife with this. And you could damage your professional relationship with this woman to talk to her about it. You've admitted your problem, which is step 1, now take the actions to not feel this way about this woman by concentrating on you marriage.
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
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This is very dangerous ground you're walking. I've been in the same situation with a female coworker. A few years ago I had a job where most of my coworkers were women. I really clicked with one woman in particular, and it wasn't long before we were regularly having our coffee breaks together and going off privately to talk. She would share very intimate details about her sex life with me to see how I'd react, and frequently complain about her common law partners' lack of interest in her. To add more tension, she'd sometimes get changed in front of me in the locker room at work, just bra and panties, but still...
Anyway, I'd been happily married for 7 years, and all of a sudden I was feeling that "7 year itch". I found myself thinking about her all the time, comparing an imagined life with her to the reality of my existing marriage. I married young, and had never been with anyone other than my wife, and I started thinking that maybe I had rushed into it. All I can do is thank God I didn't do anything stupid. It has been over a year since I worked with this woman, and I realize what a HUGE mistake it would have been to act on this lusty, one sided flirtation. I love my wife so much, and to hurt her for some silly crush would make me truly hate myself. Many marriages go through stages where the magic seems to have fizzled, and you wonder if you're wasting the last few years of your (relative) youth with the wrong person. The truth is, you are probably at a stage in this infatuation where your brain is trying to convince your heart to leave your family, but your heart knows it's the wrong thing to do. All those people who are dating online and going out to clubs every weekend would kill to have a marriage like yours. Every time you start to think of this woman, think of your wife instead, remember all of the emotional intimacy you've shared with her over the years. I did this, and after a little while I stopped thinking of my coworker as often, and when I did think of her, it was in a non-sexual way. As a bonus, the knowledge that I had passed a very important test in my marriage made me appreciate the true value of my relationship with my wife in a way that I had not for a long time. Bottom line is don't do anything rash, cause the grass is always greener.
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I have to wonder what is in it for this lady friend of yours from work.

I mean, think of it. She knows you are married with a child.

And if she is this stunning and smart woman you say she is, then she could crook her little finger and get any guy she wants.

So what does she do? Flirts with a married guy she works with.

Leaving aside your warped thinking that is about to consume you for a moment.

Don't you find that a bit of a warning shot over the bow?

An honorable person who is such a catch would not indulge in such a destructive thing as to get involved with a married guy she works with.

It's a self destructive path that could screw up her career, work friendships, her reputation is on the line. And for what?

Back to you now.

Do you really think that now the only reason you married your wife was out of friendship and no other reason?

Seriously? You sound to me like someone rewriting his history so he can be ok with the idea of cheating.

Let me ask you this, does this woman bring out the best and most honorable aspect of your personality?

I doubt it.

You're bored with your wife with whom you raise a child.

So step up your game--with her!

Has it occurred to you that maybe you've been boring to her too?

Whatever you do, don't cheat. It is a devastating thing to find out that your spouse is a deceptive person willing to risk infecting you with STDs and use family funds to pay for the theft of time and affection that the affair represents.

If you just cannot refocus yourself on your wife, then divorce her and let her live a good life without you.

It is not likely that this woman you are infatuated with would be anything more than a dramatic short-term and hugely career impacting mistake if you cheat with her.

Do the right thing. End this infatuation.

Last edited by michzz; 01-04-2011 at 04:59 PM.
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Old 01-04-2011, 02:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by michzz View Post
I have to wonder what is in it for this lady friend of yours from work.

I mean, think of it. She knows you are married with a child.

And if she is this stunning and smart woman you say she is, then she could crook her little finger and get any guy she wants.

So what does she do? Flirts with a married guy she works with.

Leaving aside your warped thinking that is about to consume you for a moment.

Don't you find that a bit of a warning shot over the bow?

An honorable person who is such a catch would not indulge in such a destructive thing as to get involved with a married guy she works with.

It's a self destructive path that could screw up her career, work friendships, her reputation is on the line. And for what?

Back to you now.

Do you really think that now the only reason you married your wife was out of friendship and no other reason?

Seriously? You sound to me like someone rewriting his history so he can be ok with the idea of cheating.

Let me ask you this, does this woman bring out the best and most honorable aspect of your personality?

I doubt it.

You're bored with your wife with whom you raise a child.

So step up your game--with her!

Has it occurred to you that maybe you've been boring to her too?

Whatever you do, don't cheat. It is a devastating thing to find out that your spouse is deceptive person willing to risk infecting you with STDs and use family funds to pay for the theft of time and affection that the affair represents.

If you just cannot refocus yourself on your wife, then divorce her and let her live a good life without you.

It is not likely that this woman you are infatuated with would be anything more than a dramatic short-term and hugely career impacting mistake if you cheat with her.

Do the right thing. End this infatuation.
Standing ovation Michzz.
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Old 01-04-2011, 02:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Standing ovation Michzz.
I agree Awesome post Michzz!!!!! I agree also with another this is probably one sided!!
Give us a update OP best of luck to you and your Family.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:57 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: falling for coworker

Michzz hits the nail on the head!

Two things pop into my mind here. And they are kind of conflicting. One is that if you end your marriage...do it because you would rather be alone rather than with your wife.

The second is that your wife deserves to be with someone she love, who can return that love to her. If you don't believe you can give that to her, let her go so she can get over you and find someone that deserves her love and returns it.

Just a final thought here: You know those tv shows that over the years, there is sexual tension between the two characters? It builds up over episode after episode. Everyone wants them to get together. Then they finally do, and what happens? The show dies, the excitement is over. The build up is better than the final result.
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