General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've noticed a lot of people here share tons with their S.O.s (even everything), and one thing that makes me go O.O is the fact that some even share email passwords/go into other's phones etc etc.
For me I keep my stuff passworded and secure, keep my email personal, my phone is my phone, mails addressed to me is only to be opened by me etc (although she opens mine from time to time and claims it was an accident -.- )
And I don't tell the missus everything that I do (I like my space). It's something that bugs her from time to time but most of the time she's content that I'm not hiding anything malicious (which I'm not). She doesn't tell me everything either and I have no reason to intrude into her life anymore then she wants me to know hence I always manage to use this as a leverage to make her accept the fact that I need my own privacy as well since I respect hers.
Well, I am of the opinion that in our marriage we shouldn't have anything to hide. I wouldn't hesitate to give my Husband all my passwords.
You did cheat, right? She has a right to trust but verify if you cheated.
In my opinion you have no right to privacy if you have cheated and want to reconcile.
If my husband cheated, you had bet I would be looking through all the his e-mails and facebook messages.
I don't think its a problem if thats how things have always been. Some people value privacy more than others.
With greater privacy I would guess you would need greater trust.
We used to use a very common password on almost all of our accounts so we could both access things. And of course sharing bills (cell phone plans) will usually save you money.
However, its usually a bad sign when a formerly open spouse starts to need more space and starts changing passwords, etc., etc.,
Well, I am of the opinion that in our marriage we shouldn't have anything to hide. I wouldn't hesitate to give my Husband all my passwords.
You did cheat, right? She has a right to trust but verify if you cheated.
In my opinion you have no right to privacy if you have cheated and want to reconcile.
If my husband cheated, you had bet I would be looking through all the his e-mails and facebook messages.
Cheating definitely changes things. Privacy doesn't work well with a lack of trust.
When I first met my now Ex husband he did not even have a personal email address and he was still writting checks to pay bills(in Canada we are big on online banking). Since I was the one more up with computer technology, I signed him up on yahoo, facebook, linkedin, set up his online billing for different bills even though some of them were his bills paid by him most of time. He never ever objected if I accessed any of these but he also never asked me NOT to look at his email. About 2 years ago I even created this spreadsheet so we had all the passwords/usernames handy just in case one of us needed to do something online. So never any issue on that.
When his affair started all of a sudden he started changing passwords. First he changed his Marriott reward username(he was not really smart because he never changed the password) and that's because I later found 13 hotel stays at two local Marriotts, he put a password on his blackberry and he has never had one in more than 5 years and I have never had a reason to even look at that. He also started getting possessive over his cell phones(like taking them EVERYWHERE).
When I started suspecting the affair there was no trace left on any of the credit cards I had access to except to one that he just got end of 2009 and I had not put any of the info on our joint spreadsheet. Of course when I got into that I found plenty of proof of his affair.
So if privacy is something you have set out from the beginning fine but if you have cheated sorry you lost that priviledge.
Well, I am of the opinion that in our marriage we shouldn't have anything to hide. I wouldn't hesitate to give my Husband all my passwords.
You did cheat, right? She has a right to trust but verify if you cheated.
In my opinion you have no right to privacy if you have cheated and want to reconcile.
If my husband cheated, you had bet I would be looking through all the his e-mails and facebook messages.
That was 4-5 years ago and before marriage which we have "mostly" already overcome. And even then it was a drunken one-night-stand with a 'friend' at a party that to be honest I don't even remember much of.
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I don't think its a problem if thats how things have always been. Some people value privacy more than others.
With greater privacy I would guess you would need greater trust.
We used to use a very common password on almost all of our accounts so we could both access things. And of course sharing bills (cell phone plans) will usually save you money. However, its usually a bad sign when a formerly open spouse starts to need more space and starts changing passwords, etc., etc.,
That was 4-5 years ago and before marriage which we have "mostly" already overcome. And even then it was a drunken one-night-stand with a 'friend' at a party that to be honest I don't even remember much of.
Aye, but I've never changed in this.
No - but you gave your wife reason to not trust you. I'm not sure what "almost" over things would mean.
I would say at this point, if your wife thinks its a problem, then its a problem.
Is this a change she's pushing for? If so, can you come up with a counter-offer, or some reasonable alternative?
Many people on this board feel that transparency is necessary with both partners to overcome something like this. I've not pushed as hard with my wife. She made a reasonable case for maintaining some privacy.
I don't go "nosing" through her phone, but she will show me what she's doing if I ask. I don't have her e-mail password, but she no longer closes the window on the computer if I peek over her shoulder. Basically - if I feel she's acting suspicious, she's been willing to put me at ease. But that won't work for everyone.
She's not pushing for a change in this, as she respects my space most of the time. What I did still resonates in her mind though yes (which she admitted recently), but she does trust (most of the time) that I'm not doing anything suspicious online - no offense to some who reads this; but I crack jokes and tell funny stories about online dating/hookups all the time, just not my thing.
And it's not like I go out of my way to hide my phone, and all my friends now are her friends, and she calls me up all time (annoyingly especially when it's busy), and she decided to help out every once in a while at work (which after a while got annoying too) so she knows I don't have relations with my female minions and sh-tkickers (sorry, just my terms I jokingly use for my 'underlings' at work heh).
So we've come far from that particular incident. Is it really still not enough?
However... I do close the minimise the window when she comes in (heck, I don't want her to log on and read everything I wrote here! Sure she will probably be flattered that I care about our marriage but heck! PRIVACY! Please!) Bah...
And I don't tell the missus everything that I do (I like my space). It's something that bugs her from time to time but most of the time she's content that I'm not hiding anything malicious (which I'm not). She doesn't tell me everything either and I have no reason to intrude into her life anymore then she wants me to know hence I always manage to use this as a leverage to make her accept the fact that I need my own privacy as well since I respect hers.
In your opinion, is this bad?
I don't think it is bad if you both feel the same way, wanting your space. This works for you. Beings you have been unfaithful (I like your honesty even if everyone keeps reminding you of this), I think it would be reasonable on your wife's part to want to know everything though. At least for a time.
In our marraige, we just always have been totally out there-overly Open in all things- in Everything as you say & seemed shocked by -that some couples do this.
I have little care to get into his Facebook or he into mine , or each others emails, BUT we have all of our passwords on a peice of paper tucked away for safe keeping. I never need any space and he never seems to need his "cave".
I don't think it is bad if you both feel the same way, wanting your space. This works for you. Beings you have been unfaithful (I like your honesty even if everyone keeps reminding you of this), I think it would be reasonable on your wife's part to want to know everything though. At least for a time.
I KNOW!!! O.O
What's with that! lol
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I think it would be reasonable on your wife's part to want to know everything though. At least for a time.
But then I'll never be able to log on here ever again and have my own little space to vent out everything on my mind and to learn how to better my marriage and even to express how much I actually admire and love the missus.
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In our marraige, we just always have been totally out there-overly Open in all things- in Everything as you say & seemed shocked by -that some couples do this.
I have little care to get into his Facebook or he into mine , or each others emails, BUT we have all of our passwords on a peice of paper tucked away for safe keeping. I never need any space and he never seems to need his "cave".
It's just... hard to understand really for me for some reason.
Guess I've always been a somewhat shielded man in real life due to childhood traumas.
It's just that when I compare my marriage to others, which seem very strong, I noticed one big difference - completely open, absolutely no secrets. So I'm very curious about it, and whether or not it's something we should lean towards or not.
And don't worry mate, I don't make those jokes here obviously
I know they can work out, a few friends of mine met their spouses online, it's just not my thing and personally I just find it well 'interesting' so to speak heh
It's just that when I compare my marriage to others, which seem very strong, I noticed one big difference - completely open, absolutely no secrets. So I'm very curious about it, and whether or not it's something we should lean towards or not.
And don't worry mate, I don't make those jokes here obviously
I know they can work out, a few friends of mine met their spouses online, it's just not my thing and personally I just find it well 'interesting' so to speak heh
Misunderstood your online dating jokes - thought you were joking with your wife that you were doing a little browsing - glad I was wrong.
Honestly - one of the reasons that I haven't pushed for full transparency is that I also value my own privacy. I've mentioned this board to my wife on occaision, but never told her the name of the board. Sometimes when I post here I feel like I'm journaling, but receiving feedback.
My wife didn't want me to have her e-mail info because she'd been e-mailing female friends about our problems, and she probably still is. I'm sure she's written some things that would hurt me, but we have to have places to vent.
Its normal that this will "resonate" with your wife - she'll never forget it. But if your marriage started with a certain level of expected privacy, you've worked to rebuild her trust, AND she's not complaining, then I tend to think you're probably OK.
Best thing to do is to have this conversation with her.
I read that you had cheated and assumed it was in your current marriage not before, even if on your wife. I don't think this necessarily gives her reason not to trust you. There is a big difference between girlfriend and wife.
My husband and I dated for two years before we got married and we both saw others during that time. I wouldn't hold it against him or him against me.
We do not have any privacy between us as of now though. I even have access to his work email and he does mine. When we were in the beginning of this marriage it wasn't the case. We had everything separate. Now we have a joint banking account as well. Somehow everything got more open and it has brought us closer together. I had an emotional affair on him about six years ago, something he never thought I was capable of mind you, and that brought things to a head. After that he decided the only way for him to feel secure in the marriage was to combine and share everything.
Having said all this, I think it is a personal choice between the two of you and depends on how you both feel/think about it.
Privacy... 
