General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hey I have a dilemma, with my wife. She has had a lot of pressure from her family and my family. They want her to slow down, and kind of settle down. To decrease her social life, and focus more on family and us. She has said she isn't going to apologize for who she is, she is outgoing, social and freewilled. She has told me everyone tries to control her, and even me. I have told her sometimes I feel your to social, and then she flips out. She has told me, and our families don't see things from her perspective. That she can't change who she is, but that doesn't mean she is a bad person. She was taking a foreign language class so that she can better talk to my family, she is of a different ethnicity, she has decided to stop that and look for a job and focus on her life. Money isn't an issue, but she says she doesn't want to feel like I am buying her have control over her. Do i make any sense? I feel like if i say yes and change to accommodate that does that mean she is in charge? That what she wants is right and if I disagree that i am wrong? I have brought a few concerns up, and i get a negative reaction like, your trying to control me.
Does her "social life" consist of going out drinking with girlfriends at bars or is it something different?
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Originally Posted by Kasme
Hey I have a dilemma, with my wife. She has had a lot of pressure from her family and my family. They want her to slow down, and kind of settle down. To decrease her social life, and focus more on family and us. She has said she isn't going to apologize for who she is, she is outgoing, social and freewilled. She has told me everyone tries to control her, and even me. I have told her sometimes I feel your to social, and then she flips out. She has told me, and our families don't see things from her perspective. That she can't change who she is, but that doesn't mean she is a bad person. She was taking a foreign language class so that she can better talk to my family, she is of a different ethnicity, she has decided to stop that and look for a job and focus on her life. Money isn't an issue, but she says she doesn't want to feel like I am buying her have control over her. Do i make any sense? I feel like if i say yes and change to accommodate that does that mean she is in charge? That what she wants is right and if I disagree that i am wrong? I have brought a few concerns up, and i get a negative reaction like, your trying to control me.
Really, what she's doing is none of her family's (or yours) business. I guess I'd like to know if you ARE trying to control her. A couple of things you've said kinda made the hair on the back of my neck stand up on that issue. Just wonderin'.
Yes her social life consist of going out with gf's and other friends to hang out. Sometimes she drinks other times she doesn't. I mean I do ask who she's going with and where. I do get upset if she comes back late. She will go for dinner, and the drinks. She gets back 12-1 am, some 2-3 which upsets me. She tells me people stay out later. I don't the difference from saying something, and telling her what to do. I feel everything i say is taken as me telling her what to do.
Sometimes it's all in how you say it. If you ask her "What time do you think you might be home?", it merely sounds as though you're curious. If, instead, you say "When are you coming home?", it sounds more like a demand, which could easily be taken as controlling. And even with the first question, your tone makes a difference. If your tone is very nice and casual, no big deal. If your tone is snotty or rude, can seem controlling.
Personally, I've always felt that it's common courtesy to tell your spouse/significant other a general idea of where you're going and when you're planning to be home. This way they have an idea of where to look for you in case of an emergency or if they do get worried because you're 3-4 hours late.
There are a couple of things you say that I do see how she could think it's controlling, the only question is whether that's your intention or not. And only you can answer that. You need to really look at what you do and be honest with yourself.
Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it. I have been searching this site, so to be a better partner. I know I am somewhat controlling, I do get insecure. I am working on that part. I sometimes, I ask for additional details, like who she is going with. Also she has said she wants her own time alone, and not to be always with me. Unfortunately I want to be with her most of the time, so it's two different views. I am having a hard time coming to terms with that. Since were so opposite in our views and actions. That's what attracted us to each other, but now its pushing us apart. I am personally trying self improve myself, so feel less insecure. She is faithful, and isn't the person for me to get worried about. I just feel like sometimes, her freewill gets overwhelm. If I say no it's like i'm controlling her. I try to balance everything in my life, with her I feel like i have to adjust myself.
Yes her social life consist of going out with gf's and other friends to hang out. Sometimes she drinks other times she doesn't. I mean I do ask who she's going with and where. I do get upset if she comes back late. She will go for dinner, and the drinks. She gets back 12-1 am, some 2-3 which upsets me. She tells me people stay out later. I don't the difference from saying something, and telling her what to do. I feel everything i say is taken as me telling her what to do.
You have to find a compromise when it comes to spending time together. I love my boyfriend to death, and even within myself, I have conflict over spending time with him. One minute, I want to spend all my time with him, and the next, I want him to go see his dad or go read a book or something and give me a little space. You and your wife have to talk to each other and find a compromise where she has her time to herself, and you still get to spend time with her.
As for controlling and being insecure, you have to get over that. No one wants to be controlled. Most people can only deal with it for so long before they get fed up and decide they're done. You don't want her to do that. I would just ask her, as a general rule, to tell you what time she plans to be home and where she thinks she might be *just in case you need to find her*. Make sure she understands you are not asking to be controlling, but just because you want to know how you might find her if there were some kind of emergency. Don't ask who she's going out with. If she's done nothing to warrant you not trusting her, then you don't really need to know who she's out with. You need to trust her.
Wife Says she Wants to live for herself? 
