General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
One thing that kills a good mood is when we go out together and I turn cold against her affections in public, privately we're fine, in a better area locally we're fine, but in the current neighborhood... no. It's pissing her off somewhat, not too serious an issue, but meh...
Can you live happily while hiding your relationship in public? How important is the ability to show public affection to you?
It's a perfectly normal reaction. We tend to start fixating on something we feel is missing or not adequate in frequency/amount.
I remember my fixation on showing affection in public. We had these friends, a couple, we were pretty close. They had a really intense relationship. In was a common thing for them to have a five-minute-long quarrel and five minutes later - bah! - they were making out. All in public. It got me thinking and feeling that in this aspect (affection, not quarrels) I was missing out. That couple and us saw each other very often, so I was quite exposed to those quarrel/making out sessions, and it made me feel inadequate.
Oh. I forgot you guys had a problem with neighborhood (safety?).
I admit I don't understand what you are dealing with when it comes to that. We live in a country where a typical person hasn't been exposed much to a multinational and multiracial world. Only a few years ago my husband (who is ethnically Indian) stuck out like a sore thumb in a (white) crowd. I didn't think much of it. I don't care what other people might think. Of course when we were going out at night, I made sure we had company (just for that extra safety in numbers, you know?).
But you can live without it yes? Public is just public right?
We are affectionate in public to a "normal, been-together-for-9-years" degree. I was just so very often exposed to that intense level of.. making out, really.. that I started feeling sorry for myself ("oh, why aren't we like that"). After awhile I just started fixating on it.
Our mates are not always free, this problem wasn't so bad on the first year of marriage as I was working 84 hrs a week so we pretty much just did our own thing and the public don't know sh-t. Since April last year I took over my business and the hours are now more flexible and this issue is glaring at us more.
Especially when she feels rejected or that I'm embarrassed of her or some crap. Happened again today actually...
I've heard from friends about a local gang in the area who hates on couples like us so hence I'm more concerned (though the missus reckons I'm paranoid)... I'm more street-wise in this sense. We were better when we didn't live here, but I just had to buy a house in this stupid zone and now the missus doesn't want to move.
I didn't realize that you run the risk of serious bodily injury for showing affection to each other in public where you live. What the hell???? In your case, I'd act like I didn't even KNOW my sweetie. I'm not one to paint a bull's eye on my butt. Had enough of THAT already growing up where I did.
EXACTLY! Hell if only the missus can understand this like you do, think she's rather naive in this regard.
I have trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that places like this still do exist. I live in a small, rural area in the heart of "redneck country". And while MOST people here are very accepting of all races, I KNOW there are a few (usually the younger ones) who...if they saw a racially mixed couple...would most likely harass them. Possibly throw a beer bottle out of their daddy's truck (they're usually unemployed, and driving their parents' vehicles) at them. Those people are the exceptions, though..not the rule. They are a disgrace. The good thing about living here is if my kid were idiot enough to do something like that, chances are high that someone we know would see him and TELL ME about it.
If she doesn't want to move out of that neighborhood, then she shouldn't feel bad that she can't be affectionate with you in that neighborhood.
But I don't know if you can hide from people. Do people in your neighborhood think you are not married? And if you have to live in fear like this, it is really not good for you, but nothing happened, right? Then there is no need to fear!
I do my best to hide us, she annoyingly does her best to show off. Nothing happened so far yes, I do have an intimidating aura but I know I wouldn't be able to defend us if we get mobbed. Heck even one of my friends interstate got mobbed the first day he even came to Sydney.
Honestly? As soon as I was able, I'd move. I know your wife is reluctant to do so. Maybe if y'all are hanging out in a safer area, and she SEES the advantage to that (your being much more affectionate in public?????) she'll reconsider the position she's taken. Especially if you find a place that she falls in love with.
Is public affection that important? 
