General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
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Some have given some positive comments, but from reading other threads too, it appears it can also be a very dangerous time. This is the age when people often have the mid-life crisis, so the women my age may be looking for new excitement which I'm not sure I have to offer.
SB...some women aren't looking for *anything*. They're just out experiencing this phase of their life. There are some who are sowing some oats that they shelved during the childrearing days. Some have been in long term marriages that have ended and aren't looking for another r-ship. Just someone to spend some time with, an evening out with, ADULT company. You just gotta get out there and be yourself. Don't try to be something you're not. Usually older women can smell that a mile away. Just go have some fun!
SB...some women aren't looking for *anything*. They're just out experiencing this phase of their life. There are some who are sowing some oats that they shelved during the childrearing days. Some have been in long term marriages that have ended and aren't looking for another r-ship. Just someone to spend some time with, an evening out with, ADULT company. You just gotta get out there and be yourself. Don't try to be something you're not. Usually older women can smell that a mile away. Just go have some fun!
Speaking of the childrearing days, my ex is 38 and our children are ages 9 and 11; is it unusual that she may be experiencing the mid life crisis with kids this age? It's not as though she is going to be totally free to sow her oats.
Speaking of the childrearing days, my ex is 38 and our children are ages 9 and 11; is it unusual that she may be experiencing the mid life crisis with kids this age? It's not as though she is going to be totally free to sow her oats.
I wouldn't try to analyze your wife...there are too many possibles here. Maybe married life (and motherhood) aren't all she thought they were cracked up to be. Maybe she got bored and lonely. Anything is possible. I understand why you're trying to look back...but your wife is just one woman out of many. We're really not a "one size fits all" species, in spite of what someone might think. In all honesty I think if you keep trying to figure out what the heck happened, you're going to go nuts. I'd simply accept it for what it seemingly is, and go forward from here. I imagine none of this turned out the way you anticipated. But this is the hand you've been dealt. Play them well.
Speaking of the childrearing days, my ex is 38 and our children are ages 9 and 11; is it unusual that she may be experiencing the mid life crisis with kids this age? It's not as though she is going to be totally free to sow her oats.
Well, maybe she's like me and just didn't take to early child rearing and wants a break. To be honest, I hated when my kids were really young. They were adorable of course and I loved them but I felt like I had a huge ball and chain attached to me and was like a bird in locked cage. Often I thought how nice it would be to go off on my own and just be single again. Only my love for my family kept me grounded.
This was about 10 years ago and I was undergoing my own personal mental problems/crisis. My husband stepped in and did 90% of the child rearing and allowed me to do some crazy things in my 30s and early 40s. I raced and showed my car, took extensive road trips, partied with friends on vacation, etc, etc. He kept hoping I'd "get over it".
I eventually did and for awhile we reconciled and all was great. Then HE fell into depression, alcoholism and perhaps is going thru a mid life crisis of his own in his late 40s. Now I'm the one rearing the children, working full time while he pretty much blows everything off. Payback's a beotch but I love my teenage kids and deal with them very well. If they were younger though....it would be a lot harder. I'd like to think that I'd have what it takes to do all this with youngsters but it would be a LOT harder, that's for sure.
I think your wife may just be someone who didn't take to early childhood mothering and had a mid life crisis as well and decided to cut loose. Maybe she'll come into her own when they are older. Hopefully she is trying to keep in touch with them and let them know she still loves and cares about them. With my husband it's mixed. My 16 year old daughter has written him off while my 13 year old son keeps hoping that the father he once loved will come back. I tend to be in the same camp. In the meantime it's me and the kids and we are doing well enough. I'm working twice as hard as before but at least I got us a nice apartment and living environment and the stress level is greatly reduced now that he isn't living with us anymore.
I guess in the end it comes to making your kids your firs priority. Personally with kids that age I'd hold off dating and just dedicate yourself to raising them and getting yourself grounded. I tend to feel that you should wait at least a year after a divorce to start dating and put it off longer if the kids are young. Dating other people with younger children is just too messy IMO. That can wait for when the kids are older.
I'm separated and still love my husband and want to give reconciliation a shot. I keep hoping he'll do detox/rehab and counseling and not have a relapse like he did the first time. I still consider myself married. No dating for me. He assumed I would go out and "sow my wild oats" and date and I told him that there is no way I'm doing that. Surprised the heck out of him!
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The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
[QUOTE=Freak On a Leash;231521] I guess in the end it comes to making your kids your first priority. Personally with kids that age I'd hold off dating and just dedicate yourself to raising them and getting yourself grounded. I tend to feel that you should wait at least a year after a divorce to start dating and put it off longer if the kids are young. Dating other people with younger children is just too messy IMO. That can wait for when the kids are older. QUOTE]
I agree, however, my ex was already seeing someone a week after our divorce was final and bringing him around the kids. My daughter is the one who told me about it. My ex says she doesn't want any secrets from her kids. I think, however, one should wait until it's more serious before dragging someone around the young kids. That's just me.
. I guess in the end it comes to making your kids your firs priority. Personally with kids that age I'd hold off dating and just dedicate yourself to raising them and getting yourself grounded. I tend to feel that you should wait at least a year after a divorce to start dating and put it off longer if the kids are young. Dating other people with younger children is just too messy IMO. That can wait for when the kids are older.!
I 100% agree with this, South. She doesn't want any secrets from her kids? **Snort** Wasn't she cheating on their father? How is that not a whopper of a secret?
Anyways, it doesn't matter to me if the kids are younger or older, bringing some new person around them is disrespectful to THEM. If I were to divorce, I would wait at least 6 months and probably closer to a year and my sons are 17 (almost 18) and 13. Anything earlier than that would send a message to them that Dad is replaceable, which he never will be and they are old enough to understand. Younger children will be very confused and probably very scared. Is there anything legally you can do? Many states have "protection orders" if you will for the children where OW/OM cannot be around the children. Or in the case where fidelity wasn't an issue, "protection orders" where a gf/bf cannot spend the night if the children are in the house.
I'd like to tie a bunch of posts into one as a 42 year old man recently divorced and dating, albeit sparingly.
This will be random:
1. Watch it. 40 is prime target for "meat hooks" from women. Before you know it, you can have one in you. You probably have 2 pennies to rub together and the old saying is correct: No man is worth a damn until he's 40. A lot of women catch onto that somewhere around age 27ish.
2. Some midlife crisis things are good - like exercise. Just watch the weekend warrior injuries (I have a chronic achilles heel injury). You can nix the sports car and hair weave though.
3. To tie in BBW's and SA's post (2 of my favorite contributors here). . .yeah. . .SA is correct - this is a time to "Party" - you are divorced. . .you can go through a "HYPERSEXUALITY" phase if you want. . .but I also notice that BBW said, "Be yourself."
To tie this in with the poster who is telling you about your kids. . .this is something I have noticed:
I am much more emotionally stable and happier when I am around my kids. The more time, the better for some reason that I am sure any psychobabblist could have fun with. I am really not sure why because I am kind of an independent guy now.
Women are more unforgiving with a guy with kids (for a serious relationship) than I think men are with women with kids, unless the woman has kids your age.
That being said? So the F what? Right?
If I want to go fishing with one of my sons, and the ex- isn't opposing me on any given day, guess what? I'm going fishing.
Odds are now on OUR side baby, being a 40 year old male. Hey, it wasn't always so, right? Remember when we were 25 and everyone wanted the hot piece of tail we wanted? Well, that hot piece of tail is now 40 with some sags and wrinkles and some gray. It's either me, pretty good pair shoulders and decent chest, with 2 pennies to rub together, mature and sometimes sharply dressed (and have all my teeth and am getting handier by the day). . .or they can go on Eharmony.com and have Grandpa with a gray beard contact them for a date.
My point of my tirade? Connect to your kids and you can shelve the hypersexuality and it's really okay.
Honestly, time with my boys I am finding is sweeter than doing the alphabet down there on any woman and having her quiver in my arms afterwards.
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Re: What to expect in 40s. 
