I have been married for 5 years.
I was wondering if there is anyone out there who has a husband or wife that obsesses about finances even when they actually have worked hard to secure their financial future.
I am having a lot of trouble dealing with my husband’s anxiety when it comes to money. We moved countries recently for me to be close to my family as I spent 4 years in his country, alone since he does not have any ties there and was desperate to get back.
We both worked very hard to save for our future in my country because we knew the cost of living is high however, it is higher than we both thought, which is still very much within our means, however, he is unwilling to dip into our savings in order to settle down here permanently. He is looking purely at the number, mortgage rates, vs exchange rates and based on that alone says the mortgage repayments are too high..I agree however we have the money(more than a home would cost), he is just chosing not to want to spend it.
His goal before he was married was to retire early and I have to say this goal is still his goal. He makes the necessary financial decisions in order to achieve this goal. While I would like to retire early too, we may or may not live that long, so I would prefer to have a good balance where we can enjoy our life and also be able to save for our future.
We have a pretty simple situation that most, we don’t have kids, probably wont and we have one family car and no other commitments or debts.
I have asked repeated times what goals he would like to achieve as a married couple in our new country and he says he doesn’t have any goals. He just wants a stress free life. I want to settle down, I want to buy a home with the money we have saved and have the comfort and pride in what we have worked hard for. But he does not want to do it here, he would prefer to live back in his country because the numbers make sense there not here. I feel like I am competing with money and I cannot win and to be honest I don’t think however much money he has will ever be enough or ease that stress for him and he does not see it. He doesn’t tap into the emotional side of our marriage, just looks at the numbers and that drives me crazy.
Unfortunately I tried my heart out living away from my country for 4 years, however I recently lost my father and I need to be with my small family in order to try and heal from this tragic loss. I am not getting any emotional support from my husband during this time either because he is so obsessed with money which makes me sad. I really need him. I am not ruling out moving back to his country, but would prefer we make a medium term commitment here.
If anyone has any ideas, would love to hear them.
Thanks so much
He doesn’t tap into the emotional side of our marriage, just looks at the numbers and that drives me crazy.
It sounds like from his stress level that is he very much tapping in to the emotional side of marriage. it just might not be the way you like it, or the kind of emotion you want. Try not to compete with what he's feeling and think what you are feeling needs to be suppressed by it. Its a give and take basis. If you feel like he hasnt been there for you, then just let him know that but dont compare it to how he is feeling.
My H also stresses about money constantly. He always says we live pay check to pay check which is really untrue. We have so much money saved up and we hardly spend anything. By the way we live most people would think we were poor. But if he wants to stress about it then thats his choice and i just listen. Im not a materialistic person so my needs are already met and i really dont want anything-besides an education which he fully supports.
I dont think your stress levels really come form your issues over the money. its really about where you want to settle. and the fact that you feel he hasnt been there for you. He can stress about money and still be there for you. it doesnt have to be either or. its clear you both have the same goals-you want a house, etc- its just not settled where that house is going to be.
I appreciate your reply.
You right about how I have viewed the emotional side, I will have to work on that one..thanks.
Please do not misunderstand me, I do not think I am materialist. Family is the number one priority for me and that makes me happy. Even though my husband has offered to head back to his country and buy us a huge house and expensive car, thats not important to me, (mind you he is not materialist either, but he has tried to dangle that carrot infront of me) I would much rather have a good and happy quality life with family around me and a family home we have worked hard for, thats about it to be honest. Family is not important to him and he will live somewhere only if the $'s make sense. Of course he wants to do that with me, but he wouldnt have any complaints if we knew nobody and lived a very introverted life. He says it himself. If the numbers looked good in our new country then he wouldnt have a problem with it. I dont think having all the money in the world is more important than people we love. The reality is money comes and goes but when people go its forever, had to learn that the hard way myself.
Alot has happened over the past year as well its trying to work out how to move forward and where!
It sounds like you and your H have worked out how to handle the money issue and I am glad to hear of his supporting your education. Good luck with that.
Thanks
i didnt mean to imply in any way that you or your H are materalistic. Sorry if that came across that way.
I have a lot of family and want to live by them. My H thinks a lot like yours, though. He wants to settle somewhere where the price is right and its no where near family. I guess I'll just share how im handling it and maybe you can get something from it. He talks a lot about moving back to texas. i dont want to go to texas. i have no family there or anything. but the economy is really good there. he also wants to retire early. i want to settle in utah. that's where all my family is. I feel no pressure to make a decision now, or any time soon really. and i havent really made up my mind which i want to really do. on the one hand i can empathize with him. he doesnt want to live by my family where he'd have to share my attention all the time. he wants it to just be me and him. plus, he works very hard for his money and im very proud of him. i want him to live his dream and be able to spend the money the way he wants. id like to see his goals happen. and financially i can see why texas would be better.
of course on the other hand, i really want to live by my family. i mean, what on earth is more important then family? they're not hear forever and life is just so much better with them around. would i really be happy living away from them?
I talk to him about how im feeling and we go over the pro's and con's of both senerios. i really think you two ought to work on your communication and make sure both of you are feeling listened to and supported by the other. Its important that he be there for you right now but men can be rather dense in these situations. they arent as overtly emotional as women so you might have to be rather blunt with what you need from him. tell him i feel lonely i need a hug, etc. be specific in what you need. but also legitimize how he is feeling. its different from you but just as important to him.
Your fine, I just wanted to illustrate who we are with regards to your comment, is all. I think it was worthwhile bringing it up.
Thanks so much for the guidance and I think your right, I need to get better at communicating my needs. I dont want to sound like a nagging wife, however I guess have to stop thinking like that
Appreciate it very much and I can understand how you feel.
Thanks again
Issues with Money
