Trenton

Listen to Mem as I think he really keys into the man perspective here and also give yourself a break. Either way you're down this path that the two of you have chosen and I think you will find that there will be fantastically good feelings as well as fantastically bad feelings along the way.

I can tell you that prior to having children I was really annoyed by the children of others. It was different when my first child was born. There's something strikingly awe inspiring about looking at a child, your husband and yourself and knowing that the two of you created this perfect little, demanding creature.

She will recover from the physical and her body will change in time with or without a child but can change for the better or worse, much like the tune of any marriage.

michzz

Too late to have the discussion about having kids at this point. That ride's already left the station.

Better would be for you find out what it takes to be a good father and how to deal with the changes in your relationship with your wife. Some you can control, others, just forget it.

Your tolerance for screaming brats will change. One thing about it is that you will have a hand in modifying screaming brat behavior if it your own screaming brat.

This is not the end of your life as a married couple.

You could look at it as an improvement that cements your connection to each other.

And you might even end up really liking that screaming brat of yours.

MEM11363

The 3 best pieces of technology we used with the kids were:

1. Front pack - like a baby back pack but for younger babies and is worn in front. Our kids loved being in it. I was happy to walk around the house with them in it. Often the motion and warmth of my body would put them to sleep. At that point I had both hands free and could easily clean kitchen/cook/help with housework. Total win/win. Also Mom knew baby was safe and happily sleeping against Dad and she could get a break.

2. Swing - battery operated: Two of the kids would happily hang in the swing while we ate dinner. One of them didn't like it. Oh well. For the 2 that did it made for peaceful dinners.

3. Baby back pack - for when they get older. We took the kids everywhere with me wearing the backpack.

tobio

I'm talking from the perspective of someone who isn't married yet but hopes to be soon enough...

But I came at this from a different angle. When I met my OH, I already had two young children from my previous relationship. We took things slowly, and obviously over time things progressed, to where we are now.

I couldn't have done this without making the relationship a priority within my life. Obviously I can't speak from the POV of part of a married couple, but I think it translates across similarly. We continue in a similar vein now we have our own children together as well. I have always been very insistent that we are not living together because we are parents of our children, but because we are separately a couple in our own right.

As for the Q do kids make you miserable? If you let them! I could cheerfully pull my hair out most days! I'm actually fascinated to hear what others say about if they ruin your marriage, I see where you are coming from, I guess the difference with my particular circumstances is that me and OH never had that couple time you and your wife have had prior to having children as my older children were here from the get go for us. So it's been a factor from the start.

MxRacer965

The only real support I asked out of her in all of this was the months leading up to the time she was to stop taking her BC was to help me see the good in this. That didn't really happen, probably because she thought she had more time or it would be easier than it has been. So now it's a bit of the same, I need some of her help and support to get to where I need/should be in being comfortable, excited, and happy for this. As with any relationship I am the one to support her as she needs it, I don't see anything wrong with receiving support from her when I need it as well. Or am I wrong here? I certainly understand what you are saying in that I can't become as needy as a child, but getting support for ONE thing that I desperately need it for, is that wrong?

I have a number of hobbies, but unfortunately they cannot really be done in the 'burbs of Chicago. In fact, you can't do much other than go shopping or walk in a park unless you want to drive 2+ hours away. My passion has always been motocross. Nearest track is a 2 hour drive away. And in a dangerous sport like that, I need someone with me in case I break my arm, leg, collarbone, ribs, etc. So that's out of the question. Call of Duty is about the only thing I can probably sit down and do, lol Work...no way. I can travel up to 80% of the time and there are projects where I can work 12 16 hour days straight when I'm the PM, Software Engineer, have developers reporting to me, AND being the troubleshooting guy. The LAST thing I want to do is work more hours!

That's probably one of the other big things with kids. I already have enough stress in my life managing the software side of several multi-million dollar projects a year and put in tons of hours, flying across the nation. This just adds more stress and headaches to what I have to deal with already on a day to day basis. And there are already many times I'm just burned out and down right fried. I couldn't handle any more stress when I get home. I'm mentally EXHAUSTED when I come home many days, and pretty much everytime after I step off that plane and head home for the weekend...

MEM11363

MX,
Yours was a very helpful post.

I used to do exactly what you do: Travel, manage large software projects - LONG, stressful and exhausting days. BTW I felt exactly the same way you do when my W got pregnant by accident. And I was not crazy about the idea of a second/and then third kid. More on that in another post.

I will give this my best shot - our kids are 20, 16 and 14.

For many men - the baby thing is a "back loaded" gift. The more they age the more you will enjoy them. So your mission - which, cough, cough - you have already reluctantly accepted is twofold:
1. Do NOT ask your W to "sell" you on the benefits case. She is pregnant and needs to know you are totally on board. Don't worry about how you feel. I am not being a smartazz. Just tell her you are totally committed to her and the baby. Leave all the rest of your worries for talks with your friends and family (long as they are totally discreet).

She likely feels bad when she worries that you don't see "why this is a good thing". But deny her the baby and she CAN'T be happy because her biological programming has kicked in full throttle and she NEEDS to reproduce. So you not seeing her NEED, not understanding it, is likely scary to her.

2. Recognize that most of your stress - work related stress - is a choice. Take a stress management class. You are draining yourself of valuable emotional energy that you will NEED when the baby is born. I used to do what you do. I used to feel like you feel. The reason you feel so overwhelmed is not travel. It is not the long hours at work. It is the anxiety/stress caused by how you perceive work. I am not questioning your level of responsibility. Simply saying that allowing yourself to feel tense/edgy/angry never improves your performance/the outcome. Often harms it. Soon all that tension/stress may spill over and harm your marriage.

The baby is coming. It is half you.

MxRacer965

Luckily (I guess) this was planned, though not on the timeframe I would have liked. Not sure I would have ever made the decision to have kids if it was up to me. And as far as my wife goes, we talk often about this and have beforehand as well...more of arguments actually. She knew I wasn't going to be on board, but she does put a lot of faith in me and trusts that I will be by the time the baby is born if not sometime before. She points out the fact that in any major life event (buying our house for example) I do worry quite a bit and I'm not necessarily excited for it, no matter how much I plan and make contingency plans for those plans. Until I'm in the situation and find out that everything is just fine like we planned, I tend to worry. We have had a lot of conversations on how we would want to handle kids and various situations that present themselves as well so I suppose we have been slowly building up to this day, though it seems to have gotten here WAY faster than I had ever anticipated.

I've actually been working on not letting work get me too stressed, but it's hard to do when you get handed all the high-effort, high visibility, high profile client jobs that require lots of travel, long days, long nights, and tons of detail. It helps kind of that the company has recently been really p*ssing people off with various changes I won't get into here. Essentially my motivation to care to quite the same level and be CONSTANTLY working and checking e-mail, etc. is pretty low. Which is ok, I've established myself as the expert in my position and the go-to person and have been promoted as high as I can go until I hit management. So the need to bust my butt to advance isn't quite so urgent now.

I realize it's coming. That's the issue! There are VERY few things in life that are forever. This is one of them. No matter what, from this point on I will have a kid. No changing that. No going back...