Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again
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Old 01-06-2011, 06:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

I've posted a couple times before on similar topics, but I really could use some encouragement and feedback again in light of some recent events since I last posted anything. I can't really pinpoint a perfect location for this so I figured I'd post in the general area.

A little history for those that haven't read my other posts: I love my wife, marriage and life right now, other than the one sticking point I have. Late Summer/early Fall my wife wanted to start trying to get pregnant. I wasn't enthusiastic about this but I went along with it because we had discussed it a year prior that in 1 year she would stop her BC. 2-3 months later we found out that she was pregnant. I still have never really gotten comfortable with it (she's 12 weeks as of yesterday). There really are no barriers to us having a kid; big enough house, good income, good relationship (except us not seeing eye to eye on the kid situation), not too old or too young (30 and 26), married for 2 years and together for a total of 8, both done with educatation (she is done with her Masters, I was about to start mine but have since held off), etc. but I just haven't found any reason TO have one either. It isn't about ability; I'm confident in my abilities to be a father (others have said my thoughts on raising kids are very insightful, and I have heard comments that I handle kids great) but lack the desire. All I can see is hassle; my wife becoming deformed (temporarily as well as permanently in some cases), the pain she will go through (birth), the suffering (the time when she is huge leading up to the pain of birth), the expense of a kid, the lack of time for my wife and I to be together, the decline in our sex lives that will assuredly come after a child, etc. I just don't desire to have that in my life. Also since I don't FEEL 30 I haven't gotten into the mind set of "kids are good, kids are what we should be having now" rather than the thinking of a late teens/early 20 something of "if I have a kid now, how will I support myself and the kid? My life will be over!". I know I can't change it now, but that's why I come here for feedback, support, encouragement, etc. since my wife and friends are obviously going to be biased!

Anyway, enough of the history. What is really getting these feelings stirred back up again was New Years. We had a total of 8 people in our house staying (3 couples plus my wife and I) for New Years along with 4 dogs (1 of them mine), and 2 toddlers (and 2 fetuses counting my wife)...for 5 days. I found myself having to go find a quiet place to calm my nerves a number of times! Yes, having the tons of people and dogs in the house for that many days is a stressor, but the kids are what most concerned me since I have one on the way. One is pretty well behaved. Listens, is quiet, doesn't cry, sleeps through the night, etc. The other was an absolute TERROR. SCREECHING at the top of her lungs (and her parents thinking it was funny), crying before and after naps, and more. Both of them just turned me off to kids and really stirred up the feelings I mentioned above again (though they are always there, simmering). Maybe it was the terror child, maybe it was the dogs, maybe it was all the people, or a combination of all of them. The well behaved toddler actually followed me around constantly and I had him helping me with dishes since he seemd to enjoy it (among other things), and I guess the other parents commented to my wife that they think I'll be great once our child is born. I thought I was just being considerate and treating the toddler like the guest he was, but my wife and the rest saw it differently apparently. At any rate, they both seemed like SO much work...work that I know I can do...but just don't want to have to. How do I turn that around? Others just keep saying "you'll get there when the child is born" and "it's different when it's your own". One other thing my wife said that does resonate with me is along the same lines as the "it's different when it's your own child" - she pointed out that while I wanted the dogs GONE because they were such an annoyance, I wouldn't want MINE gone. And she's right. That does give me some hope that I WILL feel that way about our kid.

The other event was just last night. My wife went to a Dr. appointment for a check up. During the check up the Dr. used whatever the device is called (can't remember right now) to listen to the babies heart beat. While he was trying to find it (my wife is 12 weeks so I guess it can be hard to locate) I found myself to be a bit anxious. I am having a hard time trying to figure out if it was because deep down I'm excited and happy and was afraid there was something wrong, or if it was because I was hoping something had happened because she has had ZERO pregnancy symptoms. When he finally found it, I really didn't feel anything one way or the other. My wife never really displayed much of a reaction either though she did mention that it excited her and was a relief to hear (again, since she has had ZERO symptoms I guess she has been wondering if something was wrong). I remember my wife telling me that other mothers she has talked to said their husbands weren't so enthusiastic at first either but turned around once they heard the heart beat. Apparently not me (I've heard the sound before on TV so it didnt really affect me...to which she replied "yes, but it's different because it's OURS!"). So what is it going to take? Am I hopeless? Is my marriage doomed because I just CAN'T deal with a kid or be happy about it? Or am I just nervous but telling myself I'm not and everything will be fine like others have said once she has the baby or once I start to see her belly grow (as much as I say I don't like that idea right now)? I appreciate an outsiders perspective after describing all this.

On a related note, we even already have the room for the baby done and furnished (except for some decorations and bedding). We found a killer deal on Black Friday and it made sense to me that we get everything now since we could save so much money since we were going to need it eventually anyway. We then painted the room, etc. and put everything together. This was 2-3 weeks ago when she was 9/10 weeks pregnant. Again, having a hard time figuring out if I was just being logical (hey, we'll need this anyway, might as well save some $ and we already have the furniture so we might as well paint the room and put it together), or if deep down I really am excited and happy about it...

I'm definitely very conflicted and confused right now. Which is very unlike me. I know I can't change the course of events anymore and that what's done is done. But that doesn't mean I've been comfortable with it. Maybe that is part of it; nothing else you do in life is permanent. This is. No matter what I certainly can't say that the gravity of the situation is lost upon me...

Like I said, obviously my wife and friends are going to be biased so it's nice to be able to hear things from unbiased parties.

Thanks for reading (again if you've commented before on something similar) and sorry for the length. I do appreciate the helpfulness of everyone here. And again, I know I've had 1 or 2 other posts that are similar, but I felt the need to reach out again!
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Old 01-06-2011, 06:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

There's really nothing I can say at this point. It might be different if you come in here AFTER the baby is born and say that you just can't handle it, etc. I think you're stressing about something you're not sure if there's reason to stress or not.
I think it was cute when you posted about letting the toddler "help" with the dishes. Kids want to help so much. And we have one of those "terror" children in our family...my SO's nephew. This kid is 11yo and is AWFUL. His mother still has to lie down with him to get him to go to sleep. There is way, way more that I can post, I won't take up the room. However...it's b/c they are LAZY PARENTS. It's easier to let a child get away with anything and everything and to let them do whatever they want than it is to lay down boundaries and enforce them. If you're not a LAZY parent, you'll be fine. Just guard against going completely in the opposite direction in fear that you'll have one of "those" kids, and be too hard on the child.
Babies are a LOT of work. I remember when my now 27yo D had her son..I told her ahead of time that I'd come for 2 weeks when the baby was born to help out. She and her husband were like "oh, no..that's ok...we'll be fine". She was calling me begging me to come the 2nd day after they brought him home, lol! It's exhausting, draining, your emotions are all over the place, it's something that can't be described. You just have to live it. People can try to tell you what it will be like, but until you've lived it you don't get the full picture.
It will be ok, really. I would love to tell you once your child is born, you're going to have all these feelings and this that you're feeling now will be gone, but I can't. But I think whatever happens you're going to figure out a way to get through it.
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Old 01-06-2011, 09:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

I had the same worries, too. The only baby experience I had before my daughter was my little brother, and he was a banshee. He would throw the most god-awful temper tantrums in public, cry to get his way, and was basically a 24-7 attention vacuum. I cringed, almost to the point of tears, about going thru that myself, but I made a decision that the W and I were going to raise her OUR way, and not the way of our parents and grandparents, who spoiled my little bro shamelessly and turned him into a Little Lord Fauntleroy.
And it worked! Except for the occasional whining when she gets frustrated, you couldn't ask for a better kid.
You're going to be raising YOUR kid, and don't get discouraged simply because a few people got Damian for a kid!
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Old 01-06-2011, 10:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

I went through the same things you are going through when my first child was coming. when we got married we had discussed childeren and were both decided that we didn't want any. An accidental pregnancy while in Italy, (that later resulted in a miscarriage) changed the way my wife felt about it. A little over a year later, I could see that my wife was missing something from our life together. I asked her if she wanted to try and have a child, and she did. I was still unsure, but I love my wife and want her to be happy.

I have two kids now, and would like a third, but already had a vasectomy so I'm out of luck and not upset about it too much. But I will tell you, that you will love your child because it is yours, and you will just do for your child. But make sure that you do for your wife too. I didn't realize that she needed more care too, and my marriage is suffering from me neglecting her, while tending to the kids.
Embrace the baby, they grow up quick!
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Old 01-06-2011, 10:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

Ok let me get it right : she is your wife and you have been together for 8 years . And you don`t want children with her ? And tell me again why did you exactly get married ?
Is this some kind of marriage of convinience for you or do you actully love and care for the person you chose as your spouse ?
God, I hope you did not display the same "exitement" to your wife ,as she is giving you the greatest gift of all that you could ever recieve in this world and she is giving you the opportunity to grow as a man , as a person . I see that instead you want to stay stuck in your old selfish "me me me" ways , so be it , you are to go and kiss your wifes feet and beg her for forgivness ,tell her your were temporary insane , or you will regret this for the rest of your life !

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Old 01-07-2011, 02:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

I think it will be very interesting and telling if you come here AFTER the birth & share your feelings.

Never underestimate what a child can bring to your life. One of my favorite musicians, his girlfriend got pregnant unexpectedly, he was on drugs for years & years, pretty messed up, almost died a few times, the day of his son's birth was the day he became Drug free, he was MOVED that much, I am sure this also took this man by surprise. (Brent Smith, Shinedown) Love will well up in your heart.

I think you are stressing over the "what if's" of your sex life & time with your wife more than you realisticly need, given your closeness & passion for each other. Some things will change, but probably not as drastically as you are envisioning. Realizing these things, talking about them openly with your wife, you are many steps ahead of the majority of parents who never consider the issues. This is to your advantage.

And it IS very different when they are your own flesh & blood. That little terror you spoke of, you know what makes it so much worse, even unbearable >> Since you were not her parent, you couldn't disclipline the little rug rat!! It helps when we can take control of our own "brats". And dogs.

Looking forward to a post from you in another 6 months. Seriously.
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tru2mself View Post
Ok let me get it right : she is your wife and you have been together for 8 years . And you don`t want children with her ? And tell me again why did you exactly get married ?
Is this some kind of marriage of convinience for you or do you actully love and care for the person you chose as your spouse ?
God, I hope you did not display the same "exitement" to your wife ,as she is giving you the greatest gift of all that you could ever recieve in this world and she is giving you the opportunity to grow as a man , as a person . I see that instead you want to stay stuck in your old selfish "me me me" ways , so be it , you are to go and kiss your wifes feet and beg her for forgivness ,tell her your were temporary insane , or you will regret this for the rest of your life !
I married her because I love her, simple as that. It has nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything else other than that. And I never said anything about not wanting children with HER as opposed to someone else. If I have to have children, of course I would want it to be with her! I am just not sure that I ever really wanted them to begin with and as my best man at our wedding said in his speech that he knows I "will always do whatever it takes to make our marriage work because I love my wife and am self sacrificing", to paraphrase anyway. I did this for her, not for me. And it isn't about "me me me". It's about "us us us". I love our life together just as it is today and wouldn't change it for ANYTHING. This is the exact OPPOSITE of that. So I'm trying to get there. It's taking a while, and I have setbacks as I described above with the Terror Kid, etc. which is when I decide I have had enough I come here for CONSTRUCTIVE feedback.

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I think it will be very interesting and telling if you come here AFTER the birth & share your feelings.

Never underestimate what a child can bring to your life. One of my favorite musicians, his girlfriend got pregnant unexpectedly, he was on drugs for years & years, pretty messed up, almost died a few times, the day of his son's birth was the day he became Drug free, he was MOVED that much, I am sure this also took this man by surprise. (Brent Smith, Shinedown) Love will well up in your heart.

I think you are stressing over the "what if's" of your sex life & time with your wife more than you realisticly need, given your closeness & passion for each other. Some things will change, but probably not as drastically as you are envisioning. Realizing these things, talking about them openly with your wife, you are many steps ahead of the majority of parents who never consider the issues. This is to your advantage.

And it IS very different when they are your own flesh & blood. That little terror you spoke of, you know what makes it so much worse, even unbearable >> Since you were not her parent, you couldn't disclipline the little rug rat!! It helps when we can take control of our own "brats". And dogs.

Looking forward to a post from you in another 6 months. Seriously.
I will certainly make sure to post again afterwards. I'm not above hearing "I told you so" from others! Live and learn. I'm certainly not afraid to admin when I'm wrong!

And yes, I am concerned about our overall relationship and our lives afterwards. Like I said, the gravity of the situation is certainly not lost on me. This is a monumental change, at least from where I'm sitting, and I fear it will seriously impact our lives and relationship negatively. I think I have this feeling because I see so many married couples around me that are miserable. The common thing between them all is they have kids. So do kids make you miserable and destroy your marriage? Not necessarily in the short term, but in the long term? Like I said before, other than this, our relationship is about as close to perfect as you could get, IMO anyway (I could elaborate for a long time on this, but I'll skip it and hope you all take my word for it). I fear this unknown variable will cause us to end up like so many of the other miserable married couples I see around me all the time. My wife is all that REALLY matters to me and if anything were to lessen my relationship and marriage with her I would be very distraught.
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

MXRacer, have you ever heard of "you'll find whatever it is you are looking for if you really want to" LOL. I think when you see friends who are miserable and they happen to have kids, its just because you don't have any in your direct sight who DON'T have kids and are miserable. I have seen both, and its the same problem, they let life come inbetween their relationship. Instead of growing and living together, they start growing apart. Kids or no kids.

I do think you are going to be great. I love MY kids. Can't stand a lot of other kids, but I absolutely love mine. They don't annoy me. Other people's kids? There is a good chance they will LOL. That's normal I think.

Good luck and I hope you find answers you are looking for !!
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Old 01-07-2011, 12:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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MXRacer, have you ever heard of "you'll find whatever it is you are looking for if you really want to" LOL. I think when you see friends who are miserable and they happen to have kids, its just because you don't have any in your direct sight who DON'T have kids and are miserable. I have seen both, and its the same problem, they let life come inbetween their relationship. Instead of growing and living together, they start growing apart. Kids or no kids.

I do think you are going to be great. I love MY kids. Can't stand a lot of other kids, but I absolutely love mine. They don't annoy me. Other people's kids? There is a good chance they will LOL. That's normal I think.

Good luck and I hope you find answers you are looking for !!
I certainly realize that even people without kids could be miserable and have a crummy marriage. It just seems like I see more marriages with kids that have problems. So is that just because more marriages have kids involved than no kids involved or because kids can ultimately cause problems with otherwise good marriages? Nobody would ever say "we are getting a divorce because of our kids." they'd be tarred and feathered and burned at the stake! But just because people won't say it because society would demonize them doesn't mean that they aren't necessarily the catalyst for a divorce.

Thanks for the encouragement. We have finally announced that we are expecting to the world last night so I have had a few others telling me the same thing. Hopefully if I hear it enough it will finally sink in!

Thanks for the input.
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Old 01-07-2011, 01:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Mx,
New fathers - if they want a successful marriage have to develop a whole new skillset and a new mindset.

If you are able to do that you will have a happier marriage even than you do today. Hard to believe but true.

If you are unable you will have an "average or worse" marriage which IMO is not a happy situation.

The good news is that this is literally entirely in your hands. Your W clearly loves you and IF you step up here she will actually love you even more. However if you project to "her" what you have projected here - you will really struggle.

The pregnancy and then the baby may well mess with your W's hormones. This means SHE is likely to be more emotional. And that means YOU need to be LESS emotional, more calm and supportive no matter how you feel inside. If you freak out when she freaks out - you will slowly harm the marriage. It may not be fair but it is true.

Here is why "post baby" life gets bad for so many men.
- W has a huge new responsibility and decreases focus on H
- H is not as helpful to W, feels neglected
- W senses H is resentful of baby - this is a train wreck - W is programmed to prioritize baby as number 1 - compete with baby = lose

So what you need to do is help her with your baby - it is after all half you. And then if she is spending time with friends/family/work/etc. to a point where you are getting deprioritized address that. Meaning she WILL put the baby ahead of you. Don't fight it.

But be firm about not letting her put anyone else ahead of you or you may find yourself slowly getting deprioritized.

Read no more Mr. nice guy. But none of this is going to work if you do not get good at managing your emotions. Because being firm/tough/assertive - and you will need to be that way at times - only works if you are in control of "you".








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Originally Posted by MxRacer965 View Post
I married her because I love her, simple as that. It has nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything else other than that. And I never said anything about not wanting children with HER as opposed to someone else. If I have to have children, of course I would want it to be with her! I am just not sure that I ever really wanted them to begin with and as my best man at our wedding said in his speech that he knows I "will always do whatever it takes to make our marriage work because I love my wife and am self sacrificing", to paraphrase anyway. I did this for her, not for me. And it isn't about "me me me". It's about "us us us". I love our life together just as it is today and wouldn't change it for ANYTHING. This is the exact OPPOSITE of that. So I'm trying to get there. It's taking a while, and I have setbacks as I described above with the Terror Kid, etc. which is when I decide I have had enough I come here for CONSTRUCTIVE feedback.



I will certainly make sure to post again afterwards. I'm not above hearing "I told you so" from others! Live and learn. I'm certainly not afraid to admin when I'm wrong!

And yes, I am concerned about our overall relationship and our lives afterwards. Like I said, the gravity of the situation is certainly not lost on me. This is a monumental change, at least from where I'm sitting, and I fear it will seriously impact our lives and relationship negatively. I think I have this feeling because I see so many married couples around me that are miserable. The common thing between them all is they have kids. So do kids make you miserable and destroy your marriage? Not necessarily in the short term, but in the long term? Like I said before, other than this, our relationship is about as close to perfect as you could get, IMO anyway (I could elaborate for a long time on this, but I'll skip it and hope you all take my word for it). I fear this unknown variable will cause us to end up like so many of the other miserable married couples I see around me all the time. My wife is all that REALLY matters to me and if anything were to lessen my relationship and marriage with her I would be very distraught.
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Old 01-07-2011, 04:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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The good news is that this is literally entirely in your hands. Your W clearly loves you and IF you step up here she will actually love you even more. However if you project to "her" what you have projected here - you will really struggle.
She knows I'm on here, and she knows exactly how I feel as well. She knew I wasn't into this before she went off her BC. We communicate well, but we obviously just didn't see eye to eye on the kid situation. She figured it would be hard for me at first, but that I would get there; she does believe in me and puts a lot of faith in me that I am good with kids and will be a great father and enjoy having a family. She uses past experiences with me as her guide (like when we bought our house, I was pretty unsure about that as well and it turned out fine).

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The pregnancy and then the baby may well mess with your W's hormones. This means SHE is likely to be more emotional. And that means YOU need to be LESS emotional, more calm and supportive no matter how you feel inside. If you freak out when she freaks out - you will slowly harm the marriage. It may not be fair but it is true.
Thankfully even through the first 12 weeks she has never been emotional or in any way different than she always has been. Hasn't had a SINGLE symptom (well, other than the fuller breasts). Hopefully this continues and we never really have this problem. She knew coming into this as well that she would need to help me as well. I told her that LONG before she even stopped the BC pills. I even told her she needs to help me BEFORE so I wasn't like I am now! I guess either she didn't do enough or I didn't listen enough

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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Here is why "post baby" life gets bad for so many men.
- W has a huge new responsibility and decreases focus on H
- H is not as helpful to W, feels neglected
- W senses H is resentful of baby - this is a train wreck - W is programmed to prioritize baby as number 1 - compete with baby = lose

So what you need to do is help her with your baby - it is after all half you. And then if she is spending time with friends/family/work/etc. to a point where you are getting deprioritized address that. Meaning she WILL put the baby ahead of you. Don't fight it.

But be firm about not letting her put anyone else ahead of you or you may find yourself slowly getting deprioritized.
This is the spiral that I dread the most and that I have told her I fear happening. I told her I'm not going to like the day when I become a second class citizen and I don't matter to her as much anymore; because she'll never matter less to me and NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING could ever matter to me more than she does. She swears that she/me/us will still take priority though. Her logic, which I think is sound, is that we can't be good parents unless we are a good couple first; that our marriage is the foundation of everything else and that it matters more than anything. Again, whether she still feels that way after July (when she is due), we shall see. There is ZERO chance she will put others before me though (unless our marriage falls completely apart). Ever since we first starting dating we both have collectively put each other first, and that has never wavered. At any rate, I'm not going to even bother convincing myself or anybody else that if I do get "replaced", it will definitely bother me a lot since nothing and nobody else could "replace" my wife as #1 in my life.
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Old 01-07-2011, 08:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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There is a positive here....most women stick through thick and thin (usually) with the fathers of our children. They're not "just" our husbands...they're the FATHERS of our CHILDREN. She's going to look at you with different eyes. HOW she looks at you is largely going to depend on you, though. I've heard many a woman say that they fell in love with their husbands all over again when watching them with their baby.
And..there are some people who don't understand the "childFREE by choice" concept. Don't sweat it.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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There is a positive here....most women stick through thick and thin (usually) with the fathers of our children. They're not "just" our husbands...they're the FATHERS of our CHILDREN. She's going to look at you with different eyes. HOW she looks at you is largely going to depend on you, though. I've heard many a woman say that they fell in love with their husbands all over again when watching them with their baby.
And..there are some people who don't understand the "childFREE by choice" concept. Don't sweat it.
I think I would rather my wife be with me because I'm her husband, not because I'm her childs father. Just as I wold like to be her husband FIRST and a father SECOND. She is way more important to me than any child could be. Maybe I'll change my tune after July, but I don't think so...
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MxRacer965 View Post
I think I would rather my wife be with me because I'm her husband, not because I'm her childs father. Just as I wold like to be her husband FIRST and a father SECOND. She is way more important to me than any child could be. Maybe I'll change my tune after July, but I don't think so...
I don't think it has to be that way. I don't think you have to be one thing first and another thing second...I think you can be BOTH a wonderful husband and a wonderful father; you don't have to pick one role over the other. You can be a family first, and a family second.

I think it might be tough for you because everything is in the hypothetical right now. The idea of "KIDS" is making you anxious. And those situations you're afraid of won't happen unless YOU let them happen; you have an active role in your own future and relationship...If you're proactive, supportive, and clear about what you want, problems are likely not going to happen. The fact that you even recognize their potential means that you have the full ability to prevent them! Same goes for the tantrums and crying/whining--those behaviors are somewhat innate, but mostly learned. You already know you don't want tantruming crazy kids, so don't raise them to be that way. You don't want your sex life to die out; don't let it. You are in control of these things too. They won't just be forced upon you.

Also, you will develop your own individual relationships with each one of your children. Even though he/she is a fetus now, he/she will have a personality, a sense of purpose, real, valid emotions. "KIDS" might be awful, but that's because you don't know them as individual human beings in the way that you will know your child.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could use some encouragement/advice/feedback again

You won't. We are wired to love our wives "most". W seem more wired to love their children "most". That is perfectly fine. She has enough love in her for you and a child/children.

The biggest red flag in your post is the idea that she needs to support you. And the reason for that is simple. Many W come on here claiming that they feel like their H is just another "child" in terms of neediness. You can avoid that. But not if you don't learn to better manage your emotions "in the moment". You absolutely can and should let her know what you like/dislike/fear but not in "real time" if she is already upset. TWO anxious people creates a feedback loop that is the emotional equivalent of a microphone loop - horrible screeching sound.

She gets scared - YOU get calm. You reassure, you soothe and support. You can always tell her days/weeks later AFTER the issue is resolved that you were scared too but wanted to support her.

If the baby is crying AND you are being emotionally needy/clingy she is going to start feeling smothered and resentful. And that WILL reduce/kill her desire for you.

Friendly suggestion. Start trying to balance your priorities between your W and something else that is constructive. Could be work, working out. A hobby that is useful. ANYTHING. Because when she is immersed in baby mode YOU need to be immersed either in helping her OR something constructive. Otherwise you will feel resentment and she will as well.

We have a firm rule. When your partner asks you to do something you either do it 100 percent with a loving heart or you nicely decline.

I have seen very many guys on here - in broken or about to divorce marriages whose screen names are "lovingherforever", etc. They put way too much pressure on their partner for their own happiness for it to survive the need for balance that children create. This does NOT mean your sex life will suck. It does mean that if you are needy like a child, she will see you as a child and not as a "MAN". And unless she is very unusual her desire will erode/die over time.

Low affect, independent guys tend to get the most action in a marriage.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MxRacer965 View Post
I think I would rather my wife be with me because I'm her husband, not because I'm her childs father. Just as I wold like to be her husband FIRST and a father SECOND. She is way more important to me than any child could be. Maybe I'll change my tune after July, but I don't think so...
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