General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
What is it that makes us think that another person is going to take care of us the way we take care of them? why do we keep doing this to ourselves. I needed my husband's strength and I needed to have unwavering faith in him, but of course that was too much, he seems to believe that because he takes care of the household bills tht this should be enogh. I did not need him financially, quietly, I would have followed him into poverty if it meant holding his hand. Why do men think we only need them financially, I was a big girl when I met him ( I actually paid for all of our dates) I didn't need hinm to take care of me that way, but to him it is the oly way to love me.
It's the safest way to love you. It cost him money, bills he would have to pay anyways. Emotions are far to costly if he gets hurt. The price - his heart. So he lies to himself saying it should be enough just for him to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, he does love you. He will share somewhat up to the line, then pulls back before exposing his vulnerbility.
I would have followed him into poverty if it meant holding his hand.
You have some very deep-seated misconceptions about relationships and life has a very straight-forward way of illuminating those misconceptions- Pain. Physical pain and emotional pain are very similar. If you stick your hand on a hot stove you will immediately learn about the nature of your body through the pain you experience. High heat damages your body and in an effort of self-preservation your body communicates that to you by intense pain. If you felt no pain you would die as you would have no way of knowing what was good for you and what puts you in danger.
The emotional pain you feel in your relationship is also a way your body communicates its nature. Your perception of 'why cant he be there for me' is unhealthy for your body because it threatens your survival, hence the pain. If you want to be happy you'll have to work on changing that perspective to a more productive one.
What is it that makes us think that another person is going to take care of us the way we take care of them? why do we keep doing this to ourselves. I needed my husband's strength and I needed to have unwavering faith in him, but of course that was too much, he seems to believe that because he takes care of the household bills tht this should be enogh. I did not need him financially, quietly, I would have followed him into poverty if it meant holding his hand. Why do men think we only need them financially, I was a big girl when I met him ( I actually paid for all of our dates) I didn't need hinm to take care of me that way, but to him it is the oly way to love me.
I was in a similar boat with my ex wife. I think it goes along with the "Language of Love" thing. I wasn't neglecting her needs intentionally, I just thought that me cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, paying bills, building her a house, etc., would make any woman happy, but apparently she had emotional needs that I wasn't meeting.
I think it also has to do with how we were raised and what we saw in relationships. My 92 year old Great Aunt, for example, thinks my ex was crazy for wanting a divorce because she sees the stable life that we had; such as financial stability, nice house, etc., She can't for the life of her figure out how my ex wife could have been "unhappy." In my Aunt's day, having a roof over your head and a little money counted for a lot.
I think it is sometimes just a matter of poor communication and not understanding each others needs. Even if we "hear" from the other person what they need, it is sometimes difficult to feel how important it is to them if that is not one of our needs. We need to really make sure we get the other person's attention when communication our needs, and I suppose that would be different for different people.
After going through a divorce myself, I think that relationships are waaaaay more complicated than they should be. It's odd that we get training and educated in everything else in our life, but unless one goes into psychology, nobody tells us how to relate to the various needs in relationships, we just have to figure it out as we go and rely on what we've seen in our lives as a guide. In my case, I messed it up.
Even if we "hear" from the other person what they need, it is sometimes difficult to feel how important it is to them if that is not one of our needs. We need to really make sure we get the other person's attention when communication our needs, and I suppose that would be different for different people.
SOuthbound, I think you are finally coming to the place of understanding what has happened. Too much of what you said (did in your marraige) & to what the original poster is saying, I will agree, those things would NOT do it for me either, as a wife. Some of us DO need "more", possibly a very differnt love language expressed. Maybe that makes us weak somehow, not as easy to please as your Great Aunt in those old fashioned days, but it is what it is.
Honest communication and understanding really is the key. We are all so very different, it helps to know & truly "get" our partner & what their deepest needs & desires are. If we do not speak the same language, oh the easier it is to "dismiss" these things.
That is a very good question...but I think by human nature we expect the one we love or our friends to agree and consider what we think to be "right". It lets us feel accepted.
My sister reminds me that so and so doesn't think like you, what you think they should do doesn't happen because you are opposites.
Is it frustrating? Most definitely! This is were compromise works..sometimes we do things your way, sometimes my way.
This takes a little assignment, find out what the other needs are and what yours are.
Women are more emotional and if feelings are involved I do think it is hard for men to understand. Most than likely men hear "actions" more than they hear words.
Why do we pit our faith in someone? We stand in front of an alter saying vows to love one another, we put our trust in another to take care of us. Little did we know that our spouse would not know and would take care of us the only way they knew how (childhood experience watching dear ole mom and dad). This does not always work, it may have worked for them but you both need to find out what works for your marriage.
You have some very deep-seated misconceptions about relationships and life has a very straight-forward way of illuminating those misconceptions- Pain. Physical pain and emotional pain are very similar. If you stick your hand on a hot stove you will immediately learn about the nature of your body through the pain you experience. High heat damages your body and in an effort of self-preservation your body communicates that to you by intense pain. If you felt no pain you would die as you would have no way of knowing what was good for you and what puts you in danger.
The emotional pain you feel in your relationship is also a way your body communicates its nature. Your perception of 'why cant he be there for me' is unhealthy for your body because it threatens your survival, hence the pain. If you want to be happy you'll have to work on changing that perspective to a more productive one.
Like your theory on self-preservation your body communicates..but just a question what do you say to a person who keeps getting hurt and continues to put their hand in the fire? Why do some people continue to like pain? Is it normal them to not be treated the right way?
what do you say to a person who keeps getting hurt and continues to put their hand in the fire? Why do some people continue to like pain? Is it normal them to not be treated the right way?
I think some people have TOO much Faith. Even though their entire history is pain with their spouse. Years & years of let downs, rejection and tears. I have a christian friend like this, she has lost other friends because they can't stand to see her stay where she is with a man who ignores her, is rude daily, takes the keys from her, he is unbearable.
He even ignores her, will not even look at her when she talks when we are over her house. I can only imagine what he is like when guests are not there. Zero respect. I remain, I listen to her, I let her cry on my shoulder, even swearing like a truck driver at times about him, which she hates to do. She knows I think she is crazy for staying and having all this "Faith" & hope for a better day.
But her faith, love for God, hope for her family KEEPS her put. Kinda drives me a little mad. He doesn't derserve her. And of coarse the kids. She stays for the kids, she sacrifices her own well being for her 2 girls. Personally, I couldn't live like her. I would have shot the man by now. (I am exagerating of coarse). But that is just me.
SOuthbound, I think you are finally coming to the place of understanding what has happened. Too much of what you said (did in your marraige) & to what the original poster is saying, I will agree, those things would NOT do it for me either, as a wife. Some of us DO need "more", possibly a very differnt love language expressed. Maybe that makes us weak somehow, not as easy to please as your Great Aunt in those old fashioned days, but it is what it is.
Honest communication and understanding really is the key. We are all so very different, it helps to know & truly "get" our partner & what their deepest needs & desires are. If we do not speak the same language, oh the easier it is to "dismiss" these things.
I am starting to understand the "texbook" reasons and I am moving on, but I don't think I'll ever understand it in a real-life situation.
I am in the field of education, and in teaching there is always a huge difference between text-book and real life; as teachers, we try to make the connection for students; I don't think I'll ever make the real life connection with this.
It could be because I live in a rural area and it seems that people here have more conservative views of marriage and lean a little more like my 92 year old Great Aunt, and that makes it more difficult to understand.
Everybody I talk to thinks she had reason to be unhappy and that we had things to work on, but they see them as issues that every normal marriage has and could be worked out. Everybody thinks she's crazy for ending an 18 year marriage for generally being "unhappy."
I had a female friend call to chat about the situation the other night and she told me that she had some issues in her marriage as well. She said, "My husband and I have had some issues in the last two years; they are more serious than yours. As far as that goes, it seems like everybody has more serious issues than you two, that's what I don't get."
So yes, I get the textbook reasons, but it will always be a real life mystery to me. I do, however, plan to apply what I have learned if I have another relationship.
I'm sure that support feels good, but it's pretty thin gruel.
We cannot control the actions of another.
It's a good thing that we cannot. But, it can certainly lead to some intense pain.
Very true. It may sound strange, but it's actually been a source of comfort being that I can't do anything about it. It takes two to agree to get married, but only one to get a divorce. Regardless of what comes or goes, the divorce itself was not my doing. I would have walked to the end of the earth to have worked things out, not just for my sake, but for everything involved. She turned that down, so she can live with it.
Very true. It may sound strange, but it's actually been a source of comfort being that I can't do anything about it. It takes two to agree to get married, but only one to get a divorce. Regardless of what comes or goes, the divorce itself was not my doing. I would have walked to the end of the earth to have worked things out, not just for my sake, but for everything involved. She turned that down, so she can live with it.
My ex would say the same thing.
However, we had our rough patches and there would be a period of best behavior where she would get energized about things important to me.
Why do we pit our faith in other people? 
