Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
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Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

My daughter is 23 1/2 years old and she has just graduated University in April 2014 with a Degree and is working contract until October 2014. She wants to get married in a couple of years and does not have a boyfriend yet. In her last month at University, one of her male housemates told her that he was interested in her. He is 25 years old and has been in University for 7 years and has not graduated with a Degree. He told her that he fell into depression when he could not get into Medical School and had to switch his program to Kinesiology. I don't know the details but long story short, he has now moved back home and considering starting school but not sure what field or when. I am very concerned as my daughter and him have connected as friends and he is telling her that he wants to date her with the intention of marriage. He rides his bike and takes public transit and spends his free time playing sports so I am concerned about his focus or discipline to accomplish his goals and I am concerned that my daughter is led down a potential path that will not be beneficial for her considering that he does not have himself together.
My daughter just told me that she wants to take the chance to get into a relationship with him since he has told her that he is intentional about marriage with her down the road. It sounds nice and promising however, his history/past does not show that what he is thinking of is a reality.
Should I talk to directly about this as my daughter really wants to take that chance with him and my gut tells me that she will be hurt down the road. He is a nice person but just not ready for a committment given that he has been in school for 7 years and has not acquired his formal education nor obtaining work experience so that he can one day support a wife and children.
I would like to get some opinions please!

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 04:19 PM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

My opinion...

You'll get more responses in the general forum. You can ask a moderator to move this thread, if you like. You post has little to do with "spirituality"

Second. Your daughter is an adult. Stop trying to decide who she should see or not see.

Third. Your daughter needs to forget marriage as her primary goal in a relationship, or she'll risk marrying someone because she thinks someone will be a good father/husband/provider, rather than because she loves him. There's lots of people that could fill those roles. But she needs to find the right one for her. The one that she can't live without.

Fourth. That guy sounds like he's got a lot of maturing to do.

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 04:27 PM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

I'll move this thread to the General Forum.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 04:39 PM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

One thing I've learned is that young teens/adults will hear your words, might even appear to agree with them, then they'll go do what they want anyway.

Your daughter appears to have little life experience in regards to relationships. She has her goals though and that's great. Let her make her choices, support her when she fails, cheer her on when she succeeds.

The end goal of marriage seems to be important to her. I can understand that. She's forgetting or hasn't yet learned one very important part of that is choosing the right partner, unless she incorporates divorce into her goals.

I don't think this is something that can be taught, it's something that has to be lived. You've had your chance to teach her what a good relationship should look like, if you haven't done that by now, she will just have to make her own mistakes until she gets it.

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"Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix
"His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 04:50 PM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

I would not interfere too much with who your daughter dates at her age. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders and if she dates this guy and he is not right for her I am sure that will come thru to her.

One thing I would tell her is not to put pressure on herself in getting married at a certain timeframe or age. This will lead her into getting mixed up with the wrong partner. You cant force love. She should get her career started, travel if possible, visit friends. During all of this she finds a person she is sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with than go for it.

There is enough things to stress about in the world today putting pressure on herself to be married at some point should not be one of them.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 04:55 PM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Are you not in America, OP? Are you in a country where there are arranged marriages? Just getting that sense from your post.

And let me tell you, I think every one of my children has the right to hear my opinion.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-03-2014, 07:12 PM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Depending on how close you are to your daughter, you could perhaps tell her your concerns ONCE and then drop it.

She is 23 though, she's an adult and as other posters have said, it sounds like you've raised her well and she has a good head on her shoulders.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 05:49 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

So your daughter wants to date a highly educated environmentally compassionate athlete who is willing to talk and share both his hopes and concerns.

Your worried why?

Honestly I would be more focused on getting your daughter to explore her life and herself a bit instead of setting a deadline on getting married.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 06:06 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Parents always worry about their kids. Thats their job but sometimes you just have to have faith in their judgement.

If things get more serious with them and he hasnt changed yet, then have a talk with him explaining your daughter deserves the best in life and he needs to step up to provide it for her.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 06:10 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

I am with those who say your daughter is old enough to steer her own course now. If asked, give your opinion.

You can always from time to time educate her in the practicalities of married life (especially finances) if you have not already done so.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 08:13 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Sorry to say, but all you can do is let your daughter go. If you try to interfere, I believe you can do more damage than good. Age 23 and on her own - she has a degree and her entire life ahead of her. Sounds to me that you did a good job.

What you are going through is very common. I too have a daughter that's in a series relationship (she's 21.) She still has two years left until she graduates with her masters degree, but she has already told me that she is going to marry this guy. I will say that he is definitely not what I would have pictured her with - but, he does love her and treats her very well. In my head alarm bells go off as his parents recently divorced and they have allot of money. The future mother-in-law has already told her son that she will only approve of the marriage if he gets a prenup. I told my daughter that she should not sign that as you do not want to be married to someone that is worth way more than you - she is setting herself up for abuse (my opinion). Also, I just really have a problem with someone so young inheriting so much money (this kid has a trust - worth millions - set up by his grandparents that he gets access to once he graduates college.) But, in the end it is up to her. Just scares the hell out of me.

Be assured that you’re not the only one with this fear.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 08:26 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Who starts off a relationship with the intention of marriage. That is more of a concern for me than the character issues of the potential mate.

Your daughter and her boyfriend should date and then see if they are marriage material. The way they want to do it is backwards.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 08:36 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Always share your experience and opinions with your children and then be there for them when they decide.

Honestly the guy sounds a bit like an idiot. Sorry if that is harsh but I started a family at age 20 and didn't need so much time to figure things out. He might turn out alright though, as long as he starts owning his issues such as depression and lack of work.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 08:41 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinnister View Post
Who starts off a relationship with the intention of marriage. That is more of a concern for me than the character issues of the potential mate.

Your daughter and her boyfriend should date and then see if they are marriage material. The way they want to do it is backwards.
They haven't even had their first date yet and they are already worried about potentially getting married?

Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-04-2014, 08:45 AM
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Re: Opinions needed--Daughters' potential boyfriend

They might be from a certain cultural or religious background but that would seem to contradict the coed living conditions?
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