Starting to lose hope (sorry, long post)

Leahdorus · 08-20-2008, 11:10 PM

I've posted a few times about my situation. Today, after a brief phone call with my husband, I feel more hopeless than ever and it is so hard. I walk around on the verge of tears all day every day, and it's horrible.

We are on a "trial trial" separation - last week he stayed at a friend's house, over the weekend he was home with our son while I was out of town for a family memorial service, and he left an hour after I got home on Monday. He is at the friend's house again this week. We have not had any joint counseling sessions for a week or so. Next one is in 2 weeks.

On Monday when we chatted in passing, I mentioned that we might want to just tell our son about separating now. He said, "now? but we're going on vacation next week." And I replied "so? No time is a good time, maybe the vacation will distract him". So he said he'd think about it. I guess he thought about it because he called tonight and said that he wanted to tell the kiddo now. So, now we have to sit down and figure out the details of the official separation and then tell him. My heart is breaking all over again, as it does every time I think about this. Once we tell him, it can't be undone. This is becoming very very real and it hurts so much.

I read that thread about the WS and the BS - and I wonder how it all works too. I am the WS, but I have broken off contact and have committed to the relationship 100% and am willing and eager to make changes as needed. I completely own what I did - it was a horrible thing to do to someone I love, and I am ashamed and embarrassed and so incredibly remorseful. I am not a serial cheater. I don't know what else I can possibly do to show him I want him now and always have. He does not know if he wants to try again. I don't know if he truly doesn't know what he wants or if he is punishing me, or if he is working through some pride thing where he feels he is expected to dump me.

Our 10 yr anniversary is in 2 weeks. I am going to get him the book the Five Love Languages. I hope that he reads it and that it helps him, either with me, or with someone else if that's what he decides to do. Reconnecting with me would be great, but if he wants to continue the separation, officially, then I guess that's out.

I don't know how long I can tread water in limbo-land. I am going to run out of energy trying to show he can trust me with his heart if I don't get anything in return. I am not looking forward to being away from my son for a week at a time for who knows how long. I will have to stay with my dad or a friend, both of whom live far away and will have nothing to do there (my dad has no TV!). I won't have my routine, my son, my hobby stuff, nothing. Beside work out and read all the posts here, what else do I do with myself?? I love my son so much, I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not with him. My job is not that busy that I can put in extra hours; if I do, then I'll have nothing to do the next day!

I'm just feeling so hopeless. I was hoping this 2 week experiment would give him some insight but I guess it hasn't. Part of me wants to yell and scream at him and tell him to decide or just go. I don't mean it - I don't want him to leave, but I am having such trouble understanding how he can give up so easily, without having really tried to fix things (each of us has some work to do, me more obviously). I guess if he gives up, at least I know that *I* did everything in my power to show him that I was serious and he will have to live with his quitting. It's funny - our son gives up at the slightest problem he can't solve on his own and throws a huge fit. Hubby always says he wants him to grow up to learn to not give up, to keep trying until he can get it right. Sounds like he should take his own advice.

draconis · 08-21-2008, 12:25 AM

First start a journal, write poety, your feelings etc. really hit the gym, find hobbies for you and your son to do together.

It is hard, and I understand. Maybe he doesn't know what to think at this point.

draconis

Amplexor · 08-21-2008, 08:37 AM

Try not to lose hope Leahdorus. If he has not opted to leave yet he is still considering his options. Living in limbo is difficult but it can be done. I know the all consuming feelings of loneliness, fear and uncertainty. It can be dealt with. Bare with him for as long as you can. If he makes the decision to leave, then you can truly say you did all you could. It’s hard I know.

Drac is right in finding new things to do when and if you are away from your son and home. I kept a journal during my toughest months. It helped me to see where we had improved and where we needed to improve. Writing poetry is also something that I enjoyed doing and posted a couple of pieces here. Find something that keeps your mind occupied and give the emotions a rest. Good luck.

Leahdorus · 08-21-2008, 11:23 AM

Draconis - I have been writing in a journal. I wrote 10 pages of the whole story, what I was thinking while it was all going on, etc. I don't know what to do with it all. It helps at the time, but the next day I wake up with the same sick feeling.

Thanks Amp, I am trying to hang in there...

I was just talking to a friend of mine who is not the kind to sugarcoat things, and he had some interesting insight. He knows that my marriage hasn't been great for some time, well before the affair ever started. He said that my husband is acting on the same pattern he saw years ago - that I am the decision maker in the marriage and that he is going to keep stretching this out until I get fed up and pull the trigger (metaphorically :-) ). I can see this is a definite possibility. I do NOT want to end the marriage, I want to work on the things that need fixing. BUT, I don't want to live apart from my son, in someone else's house, for who knows how long while we continue not talking to each other. How will that mend things if we aren't talking? I refuse to let him force me to make this decision, but if I don't, I may be in limbo for a long freakin' time. Thoughts?

hitrockbottom · 08-21-2008, 12:05 PM

your marriage was broken for a long time, Yes?
So it is going to take what seems like for ever if it is going to be fixed.

I am where you are right now...stuck in Limbo. Waiting on my wife to decide. I live in my room and she has moved to the guest room. She is never home and avoids any kind of confrontation or discussion about our issues....but everyday that I wait I see things changing...patients is going to be a key...god knows I feel like giving up some days, then the thoughts of not being with her makes me hold on.

Leahdorus · 08-21-2008, 02:05 PM

hitrockbottom, it has been broken for a while but neither of us really realized it. I attempted to let him know things I needed/wanted from him (mostly his time & affection) but any changes were short-lived or he didn't even grasp the seriousness of it. Apparently neither of us did. :-(

brad · 08-21-2008, 03:10 PM

You did the ultimate sin of marriage: cheating. It sounds like you still want to put the blame on him. He's not coming around fast enough. You sound demanding of love and affection. It may have been missing before your affair but now is complicated by your affair. I think you need to acknowlege a bit more the damage you did and just have some patience. What else do you have left?

draconis · 08-22-2008, 02:46 AM

VIII) Solution ~ There are many ways to fix the issue.

A) Silence ~ It can be golden and isolate a cheater into feeling the emotional emptiness.

B) Open Book ~ This is how a Adulterer trying to save a marriage must become. It shows their partner the truth so that trust can be built again.

C) Time ~ Most couples use therapy for 2-4 years once a week.

D) Contract ~ A written contract with the promise to never commit adultery again.

E) Cut ~ The Adulterer must cut all ties to the partner they cheated with. This will help build trust again.

F) Schedule ~ You must reasonably keep a schedule of time. This cuts the ability to find the time to commit adultery.

G) Vent ~ Some psychologists now suggest for the first year that the hurt partner be allowed 10 minutes every day were they can yell and scream. This venting is believed to help resolve the issues of betrayal and anger but in a controlled environment.

H) Answers ~ Allow a question and answer session so the spouse can cope with self-blame.

I) Beyond words ~ Rededicate yourself to your relationship in deeds

draconis

Leahdorus · 08-22-2008, 11:58 AM

Wow, thanks for the harsh words Brad.

I am already feeling like the scum of the earth. I am not blaming him. I blame myself for my choices and for not trying harder to get through to him. Had he been more receptive, who knows... things may have played out differently. I can't change the past, only try to learn from mistakes and fix things going forward.

Draconis, thanks. I am doing as many of those as I can.

- Silence - I guess that's what this separation is. He isn't talking to me while we are apart, though I've left the door wide open for if/when he wants to.

-Open Book - I have offered this multiple times. He said thank you, but has not taken me up on it. Unless he's still snooping, in which case, there is nothing to find.

- Time - This is one of the life lessons I am working on - I am an impatient person anyway, about everything. I have been focusing on this for years but still have a long way to go. Guess I will keep waiting, as long as I can.

- Contract - I'd be willing to do this. Might even do it proactively and offer it to him.

- Cut ties - Done. Did not see TOM again after hubby found out, cut off all other contact after about 3 weeks, back in December. Apparently not fast enough for hubby.

- Schedule - I am a creature of habit. Put a monitoring anklet on me and track me. I don't care, I have nothing to hide.

- Vent - This might be helpful if we were talking to each other. Hard to do when you aren't in the same house.

- Answers - Anytime, I am willing to answer anything. Hopefully he would too.

- Beyond words - Doing my best but hard to do when you aren't actually together or talking. I'd love the chance to do it.

draconis · 08-22-2008, 09:42 PM

Leahdorus ~ Atleast you know that you are doing as much as you can to save this relationship. I understand how hard you are trying and I will pray that he sees that too.

draconis