General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
hello, i am new to this site and i really need some feed back, i am pretty sure my mind is made up, so here goes
I just celebrated 4 yrs of marriage yesterday, my husband and i got married 6mths after we met (internet), when i met him everything was nice for the first (long distance) until i moved in with him. we used to visit each other back and forth, i had a great job, own apt, paying my bills, and everything was great until i moved with him, i could never find a job in my field (legal) and i had to settle for end jobs, i was struggling really bad and he was not in no situation to help me, all my bills everything was back up on me. (school loan to car payment) anyway to make a long story short, i am now working my butt off to get my credit and life together and he is still not trying to get himself together, whenever he needs money he gets it from a family member but he have to pay it back when he get pay every week its is the same cycle no money we never have money, he is pd weekly, me every 2 wks, we do everything seperate, rent, daycare, bills and I hate it, we try having an account together, it got screwed up. we talk about it but nothing changes, we have been struggling from the begining on the relationship and i do not want to do it no more, i am a go getter and he is more of a laid back person, we have 1 kid together and 1 kid each from different relationships, i am so tired of all this, we argue all the time, we dont see things the same, i live and plan for the future, he lives for the moment, i believe i will be better off on my own with my kids, we tried counseling one time and he was not fair at the meetings, couple months later he admitted that he manipulate the counseling and he was wrong. i sat with him and try to figure out how we can make the marriage work but i already gave up, i want out, i do not want to go out of state cause i know he loves his son and i dont want to separate him or take away his right to see his kid, but i am not happy, i am miserable. i do not want to do any more counseling. our biggest problem is financial issues, he file bankruptcy and had a clean start, 3 mths later he is in more dept and really bad credit, I keep telling him both of us cannot have bad credit, we will never get anything if we continue to be like this, but he still messes up all the time, i on the other hand is determine to get my stuff together which i am doing. i want a house, and i want to be comfortable, he is so negative, i really cannot do this anymore. he was a AA but now he is 11 yrs clean, can that have anything to do about his not been able to i dont know focus! I love my husband but i am not in love with him anymore, i am not even sure i loved him like before, before we used to argue so much, we say some really hurtful things to each other, most of the time in front of the kids, my daughter is 17 and his son is 12 and the baby is 2. any advice please . should i leave and start my life over because i cannot do anther year of this.
I think you already have you answer "you can not like like this". Not only is money a problem but so is communication in a productive way. Now you need to understand what you want and how to get there. Counciling isn't a good option it seems. The marriage is worse on the both of you then helpful.
I can tell you are a go getter already. Be warned, this site can be slow at times, especially during a work day, so you may need to wait a bit until after this evening to get a few more responses.
I pretty much agree with draconis. There are a lot of things going wrong right now in your marriage and it sounds like you pretty much are done with all of it. To me the biggest issue isn't money, so much as he just doesn't have the same drive to get things done as you do. But that impacts so many other issues that are driving you crazy, like money. It's a personality thing, and changing something as big as that as late in age as he already is, not an easy thing, and that would be a choice he would need to make and really work hard at. If you can get him to decide the marriage is worth him really improving that aspect of himself, you stand a chance. If he can't break those habits or doesn't see them as really a problem, you two might just be incompatible.
In any case, sounds like your mind is 95%+ made up. If you want to know how you might still save it, then my only suggestion is trying to evaluate is ability to turn his lackadaisical attitude towards responsibility around. If he can agree to work on that, things might start falling into place better, but if he can't, you've already got your answer.
do you really think the situation can get any better. It doesnt sound like it. It doesnt matter if you have a baby togeather. Dont let that be a factor. Your baby will grow up with her parents disliking each other. That's no environment to raise a child. Sounds like you have been there done that previously anyhow. Bolt while you can.
just keep things smooth until you can get out. He sounds manipulative so keep the money a secret. You dont owe him the truth about all these issues since your not going to stay togeather. Essentially your just roomates if you break up. Personally I would keep the break up on the down low until your lease is almost up. That is if you think he will make your life miserable up to that point. After all you have the young one to think of. Good luck.
i told my husband last night that i am planning on moving on and that i am tired of the marriage and i cant go on anymore, the thing is he wants us to spend some time together alone, I agreed to because i do not want us to argue, however i have made up my mind inside. should i just go along with what he wants to do, i am afraid that he will say that he was trying and i would not participate, i do not want to feel guilty or get emotional and change my mind.
You have already made up your mind, sounds like. Don't string him along by promising to try if you don't mean it. If he accuses you of not meeting him halfway in the "trying" department, remind him and yourself that you have been "trying" for four years.
thanks pandaprinces
the problem with that is i have no money to move right now, so until then i have to stay there unitl i can do a little bit of saving, and i can see he is going to do everything he can to get me to stay and i really dont want us to argue, i am tired of the arguing. i have no family or relative here that i can go by and i do not want to go to far where he cant see his child.
Ready to let go 
Be warned, this site can be slow at times, especially during a work day, so you may need to wait a bit until after this evening to get a few more responses.
