Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

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Last edited by NewYork01; 01-17-2011 at 05:33 AM.
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

First...please don't threaten to break up with your fiancee if she opens her heart to you. You're guaranteeing that she's going to keep things from you in the future if she can't come to you and be totally honest about her feelings. You hooked up with her pretty quick after a long term relationship was over...it's only natural that she's going to have some residual stuff left over until it all dissipates. So she was remembering some good times. That doesn't necessarily mean anything. She must have felt like she could tell you. Apparently not. Don't drive her feelings underground.
I wish she'd come on here and talk to people. She no doubt would be told that it's not her fault that her ex isn't keeping in contact with their son. That's on HIM, not on her. Not one little bit. If he were any kind of man, he'd stay in contact with his son no matter what. He's not being a good father.
If you want to "stop" this problem, hang tough in there with her. Be a good father to her son. Be the BEST you can be. You don't sound like a very patient man, and you're going to need a lot of patience and understanding if you're going to be a husband and substitute father.
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

Thank you Major_misfit for your reply.
I am trying and want to be the best step father, and a great husband. The thing is just I thought by allowing her talking and having emotional breakdown with her ex and talking to it to me and me keep quit at take it each time is like allowing her to continue having feelings for me and disrespect me. I know I might be wrong and that is why I am here. I am a kind of a person who do not tolerate disrespect and thats why I am not sure about it.

Number two. I know women wants to be listened (men to be a good listener) and not a problem solver. I am prety good in other issues and when she is down for other things but I just do know what to do about this.

I tried to listeed one day and be quit, she was warried that I was angry, well I wasnt feeling good either but I just told that ieverything gonna be ok, but she still wanted me to talk more and I knew what I would have talked so I refused. Sometimes I keep used to keep on telling to foreget and that it is not her fault but I feel like I am becoming a therapist which I know some women do not want theit men to do.

How shall I react when she will have emotional feeling like that? Shall I keep quiet? What I shall I say? Can I keep on listnening? What shall I do?
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Old 01-12-2011, 08:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

Well, there is also a thing that, if you allowing your woman to talk about feelings for other men, she will start treating you like a friend not a lover and the end is worse. So I think you know why I am confused of how I should react. I need some help please
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Old 01-12-2011, 08:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

NY,

Validate her feelings.

"This really ties you up."

"You feel like you're failing your son"

You will never be able to solve this for her. My understanding is that when a woman creates a child with a man, it takes a long time to get past the idea that she needs that man for the child.

So, while you are listening, be as attentive as you can be to her son. Find ways to connect with him.
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Old 01-12-2011, 08:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

Conrad is right. You build a strong connection with this son. To the point where she would hesitate to remove YOU from his life. But..it has to be a genuine connection..most women will smell a phoney a mile away.
My son was 3 when my SO and I got together. He's been the only father my son has had. I had other children that were much older, and he connected with them as well. But, he's great with kids, and has a genuine love for them. He has no bio kids, and he's taken mine TOTALLY as his own. He's THERE for them. He's not so much a father to the older ones, but they know they can go to him at any time. I love this man with all my heart, and the way he is with my kids has certainly raised him in my estimation.
Threats to leave someone is not a mature thing to do. That's using fear to get your way. You have to communicate your feelings to her in a different way. Making her afraid that you'll leave if she expresses something isn't going to work in the long run. It will leave her unsure of herself and the relationship in general.
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Old 01-12-2011, 09:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

Thanks for youreplies Major_misfit and Conrad.
I am aware about my relationship with her son. Personally I love kids and love to spend time with them. The son himself is sweet, active and well behaved that it feels always good to be around him. I spend a lot of time doing activities with him and encourage him to what good things he is doing. My fiancee sometimes tells me that he keeps asking about me when am at work, (she usually comes from work before me) when time would I come. I genuine love this kid and therefore I don’t think there is a problem with my relationship with him. However, I will pay more attention about it. Thanks!
Question still remain there. How would I communicate with my fiancee when she brings topic about her emotional breakdown? Shall I be listening, keep on reminding that is not her fault? ignore her? I am basically a good listener but in this topic am little bit confused. How would I be there for her and still keep my respect from her in this issue? As I said I don’t want to turn to be a friend than a lover and a future good husband and a step father.

Refer my old post “Well, there is also a thing that, if you allowing your woman to talk about feelings for other men, she will start treating you like a friend not a lover and the end is worse. So I think you know why I am confused of how I should react. I need some help please
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Old 01-12-2011, 09:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You're looking at this as though you have to "fix" something. You don't. When she expresses sadness that she feels she's depriving her son of his father, all you have to do is say "I can understand how you would feel that way", and leave it at that. Just validate her feelings, as Conrad advised. You don't have to fix this, things will run their natural course. She COULD be feeling some guilt that apparently she missed the mark when she had a baby with this man. He's not good father material. That's a smack upside the head when a woman realizes that.
I'm reading a book called "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", (forget the authors names right now). I have a daughter who is Borderline Personality Disorder and I originally bought it to learn how to validate her feelings. What I discovered is that it works VERY well with everyone else in my life. Even my 10yo son. Sometimes someone just wants you to listen. That's all. Just to be heard. REALLY heard.
Just validate her feelings. Don't try to fix it. And it's great that you care about her son. He's going to need a good, strong father figure in his life.
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Old 01-12-2011, 09:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

You seem to have your own issues going on here. You seem to have some uncomfortable feelings, borderline jealousy over her ex. Yes she shouldn't of mentioned the good times they had, but methinks you overacted on your response. Women, even if they are in good relationship, will sometimes reflect on the relationship that went bad, especially one that was as long as the one she had with her ex, plus the child. I doubt she said what she said to make you feel jealous, so you shoudln't of responded angrily.

What to do now? Continue to listen, its your job. Hold her hand and walk her through this. She's transferring the pain she thinks her son feel into guilt about herself. Her ex is playing on her emotional strings, and he knew EXACTLY how she would respond because his actions. DON'T ignore her, don't snap at her, continue to reinforce to her that its her ex that's at fault for this, not her. He is the one that is dropping the ball and is losing out. Tell her that she shouldn't let herself get manipulated by him 5000 miles away. I tell women all the time, if a man isn't crying over you... then you shouldn't be crying over the actions of a man.
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Old 01-13-2011, 07:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hello again and thanks for you replies Major-Misfit and Rob774,

However I could totally see Major_Misfit answer about what to do as good one since it does not tell much or try to solve her problem

Rob774, I agree a bit I have jealous but not that much of insecurity but also it coused but not want to be disrepected by having a woman go throgh emotional breakdown by another woman. At least I can calm down by your (Major-Misfit and Rob774) advices that is not that disrespectful and that is normal sometimes.

Trying to reenforce and keep on teeling that it is not her fault and that she should not be manupulated by him. Is this not seem like trying to solve her problem? (which is not a good think which also Major_Misfit also pointed out about it)? or even more look like I am insecure??
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYork01 View Post
Hello again and thanks for you replies Major-Misfit and Rob774,

However I could totally see Major_Misfit answer about what to do as good one since it does not tell much or try to solve her problem

Rob774, I agree a bit I have jealous but not that much of insecurity but also it coused but not want to be disrepected by having a woman go throgh emotional breakdown by another woman. At least I can calm down by your (Major-Misfit and Rob774) advices that is not that disrespectful and that is normal sometimes.

Trying to reenforce and keep on teeling that it is not her fault and that she should not be manupulated by him. Is this not seem like trying to solve her problem? (which is not a good think which also Major_Misfit also pointed out about it)? or even more look like I am insecure??
You're not understanding that it's not for YOU to fix. She has to come to the realization of what he's doing. You already get it. She has to. You can't pound that into her head, no matter how hard you try to. If you're willing to take a step back, and just let her deal with it while you offer support, she will eventually get there. You can't hurry it along, no matter how much you might want to.
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Old 01-13-2011, 09:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fiancee Not over her ex boyfriend

Thanks again,

I will take your advice Major_misfit, I will step back, be calm and let her realize alone!

I will definetely tell her next time when it happens that I can understand how she feels about it.

What are other supports that I can provide to her?
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