loveandmarriage

I've been married for 4 years. Recently my husband had an emotional affair. For awhile now I have questioned if my husband loves me for me, or just because I am the mother of his kids, or if he even loves me at all. Sometimes I feel it is out of obligation. He is not romantic and just recently started telling me he loves me after each phone call. (It's been about 2 weeks.)

I am hurt that my husband was talking to some other woman (who is married too) about things he is not telling me. When I confronted my husband about a month ago, he was hurt that he hurt me but I am still wondering if he TRULY loves me. So I have 2 questions.

• How often do you or your spouse call you during the work day?

• How can you tell that your spouse loves you?

Please let me know. I am curious to know.

BlueCreek

If you are confidant he has ended his contact with the other woman, that should at least partially answer your question. At some point you are going to have to trust him when he tells you he really loves you, but I understand gaining that trust back after an EA is difficult and will take time. No matter what he does, you may just not be ready to trust his love yet.

It is really important to remember that people show and prove their love in different ways. Just because I might tell my wife I love her and that she's sexy half a dozen times a day (I do, at a minimum) while another man may mention it to his wife once as almost an afterthought when going to bed, does not necessary mean I love my wife more than the other man loves his. Likewise, I rarely call my wife from work, but she'll call me several times a day, that doesn't mean she loves me more than I do her.

You guys really need to sit down and talk about how each of you see love and what the other person does (or can do) to make you feel emotional connected the most (often each partner assumes what works for them will work for their spouse, when they could need two totally different things.) If you don't talk this stuff out, you may be expecting certain signs of love from him but you haven't given him the tools to know what you need, and vice versa. You may be expecting to hear him say "I love you" or "you're beautiful" constantly, but he may not say them because he's showing you love in other ways. Once each of you really knows what the other needs to feel loved and emotionally connected, then you both need to work on doing what the other needs most. (It's definitely a two way street.) If he is really able to start giving you what you need, you'll start to feel that connection you are missing now, and you'll know he is committed to you and loves you because of the effort he puts into it.

Blanca

If your husband doesnt want to talk to you there is a reason. My H doesnt want to talk to me either. I am kind of hurt by that but really I have to ask myself what I am doing that is creating an environment that he feels he can not talk to me. i think you should try and ask him why he is not comfortable talking to you, and try to be receptive instead of offended.

I'm pretty clingy so I call my H, oh, maybe every couple of hours. And if I dont call him he calls me. But I definitely agree with Bluecreek. Its up to you to let your H know what you need from him. He'll give you things he thinks will make you happy but if you dont feel those are the things you need, you have to talk to him. I'm very specific with my H about what I need from him.

The second question is a life long journey. Love is an experience that is redefined over time as one begins to understand oneself better.

AZMOMOFTWO

To answer your questions, my husband used to call me 2-3 times during the work day to share something funny, tell me about a customer who irritated him, see how my day was going etc. This stopped a few months ago, should have been a clue! Now that we are reconnecting, its going back to that way (although lately he's not been working so he's here with me since I work from a home office).

But some of the problems we had he did not want to tell me about because he did not want to deal with them. He has a "can't deal with it attitude" which is hugely responsible for what's gone on not just with us but other things...and I enable it so that is my part in this. But I am not as easy to talk to as I thought. Partly he would assume what my reaction would be. I am reactive, but I also calm down. I thought I was easy to talk to but not from his perspective (likewise he's not easy to talk to, he likes to shut down). So we are both working on it. I asked him to tell me when I'm being to blunt or defensive so I could stop doing it. This is working. I'm learning to communicate better and he is too.

So ask him why he didn't share things with you that he did with someone else and listen, really listen with an open mind. Don't allow yourself to respond with "but.." He may not be right, but its his perception. If you listen then he might also listen to you.

Good luck!

loveandmarriage

Thanks for all the responses. It was greatly appreciated.

Last night, I asked my husband to check his e-mail because I noticed he recently changed his password. He got defensive and said that checking my e-mail is not going to change anything. I explained to him that me finding out about his emotional affair was just a month ago. And being that this all just happened and him changing his password, sent up a red flag that maybe he is still doing something behind my back. I need reassurance that he's not acting inappropriately. I want to trust my husband again.

I asked him why he changed it in the first place. He said it bothers him that I have his password. I told him when he changed his password, it is like he is telling me he is still hiding things that he knows is not right. He left to go jogging and he gave me his password to check his e-mail.

I checked his e-mail and there was nothing inappropriate. But now I am angry and wonder if this is the beginning of the end.

I don't think my husband "gets it". I think he feels bad that he hurt me, BUT, I don't think he thinks he has done anything wrong. I think he thinks that as long as there was no physical contact or sex then he did not have an affair. Because of this thinking, I am thinking that my husband will do this again.

My husband came back from his jog and apologized. He also said that when I confronted him about all the phone calls he was making to other women, he promised he would do whatever it takes to gain my trust back. "So he is sorry he overreacted about checking his e-mails. But again I don't think my husband gets it. It is about making a change in your way of thinking and being willing to sacrifice your own needs for the betterment of our marriage and family. I feel my husband is justifying his actions by saying that he only talked about politics and buying a new car. I am not stupid. It does not take phone calls 10 times a day, talking for 20 minutes to over an hour to discuss buying a new car. There is not that much politics in the world to talk about for over 4 hours at 10 o'clock at night. (Sorry for venting.)

Right now I don't know if I want to try anymore. For what? So I can go down this road again? And this time it may lead to having a physical affair?

Blanca

I think the same things right now. I wonder if its worth trying to get close to him again, becoming vulnerable again, just to have it all come crashing down. Im emotionally and physically distant and I wonder if he's the person I want to be with.

loveandmarriage

ljtseng,

My husband is trying to be nice and more loving, but I think these are temporary fixes. Because if it is not in your core value system then it will happen again. It's like putting a band aid on a leak that a boat sprung. Yeah this will work for a little while, but to fix the leak you will need to repair the damage.

Blanca

Ya what was really hard for me at first was he was only nice and loving when he had screwed up. So then all his gesture boiled down to a guilty conscience. nice. Once he didnt feel guilty anymore, all things would stop. And he is trying to put the bandaid on the leak again. he's doing everything he's known ive wanted him to do for months because he screwed up again and I told him i was leaving. i'm just trying to be patient because part of me wants to believe that there's some sincerity in him, even if just a little that we can build on. but, like you, i'm just wondering if im just setting myself up again.

TheLuckiest08

I agree with a previous poster who said people show their love in different ways. And how many times someone calls you during the day has nothing to do with how much they love you!

My husband hardly ever says "I love you" first. Does that mean he doesn't love me? Absolutely not. I know he does when he fixes things for me, goes out of his way to help me, etc. He has even said that, for him, words are meaningless and actions are everything. I think most guys are better at actions than they are at words.

As for the EA, is it possible that you're not very approachable when he wants to talk to you? Do you make time for him? Do you emphasize with how he's feeling, even if you don't agree with what he's saying?

loveandmarriage

I too believe that everyone is different and will show their love in different ways. However....

You stated that your husband shows you by actions. My husband has admitted that he sometimes take me for granted. For example, we have been married for 4 years, together for 6 and he has only cooked for me 3 times. BUT....

Maybe I am not approachable. I don't know. I never thought of myself (or have been told that) as not being approachable, but you never know how he feels.

Tonight I plan on asking him what he needs in our marriage to be happy. I want him to think about it (I will do the same) for a couple of days, write it down and on Monday, we will talk about it. We will not be able to respond, just listen to each other. Then we will write it as a contract. What do you think?

justean

sometimes it can feel easier for ppl to speak to others, its a getout clause. thats where your freedom of speach comes in . because not alot of ppl can do it in a relationship or marriage, for lots of reasons, they dont want to hurt their spouse.
my hubby has gone to say lots of things about me and vice versa. its an outlet.
ppl do it.
ok the emotional bit is unfair , but i guarantee you on places like this forum, you wil strike up conversations with the opposite sex and you might even get private messages. do it for long enough and you can build up a very personal bonding with ppl. you get to know them, so where is the difference with the emotional bit then.
you help ppl and you stil have your fantasies. along as you and your hubby have boundaries - i dont see why certain info - even though personal it can be and maybe sexual. it doesnt have to affect your relationship.
i think you wil find ppl of all ranges in relationships and marriages
have different ideas on love and the calling eachother.
at the end of this your hubby knows he has hurt you and he is giving it ago. try giving it a go yourself with him, suggest a night out. find your relationship again.

Blanca

Why write it down as a contract? I thought asking him, having you both write down your needs, listening and not responding immediately was a good idea, only I would leave out the contract part. That turns it in to kind of a cold obligation, to me.

TheLuckiest08

You used him not cooking for you as an example of a way he takes you for granted. Instead of thinking of things he DOESN'T do, try to think of what he DOES do for you. Most guys don't cook anyway....heck, my husband has NEVER cooked for me in 8 years. I don't take that to mean that he doesn't care. Does he work really hard at work to help support you/the family? Try to praise him a lot and tell him how much you appreciate what he DOES do, and you'll probably see more of it!!

guardianangel

Before I answer your questions, I would like to suggest that you two rest for awhile before do the talking. I can see through your posts that you are already exhausted about the issue. Although it is hard to wake up in the morning and wait for the right time to talk, it is better to wait rather than to push yourself in a position you do not want to be.

Now, for my answers.

1.0 I always text my wife (who is a housewife) during my lunch break, and before the end of office hours only if I will render overtime. This is for her not to worry if I come home a bit late.

Why only once a day? Because we prefer to talk things in person, face to face, during dinner till we go to sleep. We feel that talking will be better if it is personal, it adds life to our marriage.

2.0 I can tell that my wife loves me because I feel it, through her words, actions, smile, laughter, sacrifices, pain and everything that she do.

Now, here are my questions for you.

1.0 Did you really forgive him in his mistakes?
2.0 Instead of asking him if he still loves you, have you tried asking yourself if you still love him?

Hope everything will end fine.

loveandmarriage

Response to 1.0
When my husband comes home from work, I usually have dinner waiting. I usually do not feed the kids until he comes home so we can all eat together. My husband eats dinner and watches TV while I'm feeding the kids. He usually does not talk about anything because he is into what he is watching.

Response to 2.0
I sometimes wonder how my husband really feels about me. He has told me he has a hard time expressing his feelings. Even telling me he loves me and the kids are hard for him.

I must say my husband is working hard at building his new business. I am so proud of him for wanting better for us.

1.0 Did you really forgive him in his mistakes?

I am trying to forgive my husband, but it is hard because I don't think my husband (in fact he admitted) thinks he has done anything wrong. Because of this, I am afraid he will act inappropriately again.

All the things he was doing behind my back bothers me. Him telling me he would stop the numerous phone calls to a female client, when he was willing to contact her through e-mail because I would not find out. And him changing his e-mail password because he is not "comfortable" that I have his password. That is hard to get past.

2.0 Instead of asking him if he still loves you, have you tried asking yourself if you still love him?

Yes, I have asked myself if I still love him. And I must say one good thing out of all of this is that I am certain that I love my husband and I don't want to lose him.