kaycey

Firstly thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read my message? Obviously I am in desperate need of help and advice.

I'm sure like many people I never thought that I would be in this situation - but I am - it has happened and now I need to deal with it.

My previous relationship with my ex-boyfriend was one of the best, I thought he was the one, most of the times in this relationship were the happiest of my life, but it ended - and messily. We split up - maybe too hastily - he had a one night stand shortly after and the girl ended up pregnant - we were both devastated - there was no closure - it was too painful. He fully supports his child and has a healthy non-romantic relationship with the mother. It took me along time to move on - although I never completely got over it - as much as I wanted to - and I really wanted to. But as time passed I came to realise that he will always be part of my life and even though it didn't work out he will always be special to me.

18 months later I met someone else - 1700 miles away! I quit my job, left everything behind and we moved in together. (I first met him 7 years ago but our paths kept crossing, the year before I met him but was not ready for a relationship - we had 6 months of online contact before I met him again and we decided to get together). We had great times, difficult times, but we fell in love. Of course it wasn't easy - I was in another country and we moved in together so quickly - but we made it work - and yes I love him. My family came out to meet him and I lived with his family for one month before returning home. His family don’t speak a word of English but I wanted to be with him so much – I felt so isolated at times but to be with him made it worth it.

Throughout my times away there were times when I did think about me ex - times when I was low or upset, I didn't want to but sometimes I did - not that I felt in love with him - I really don't know what I was feeling. Sometimes you forget about the bad times and just remember the happy times. We were occasionally in contact - the odd message asking how the other was doing.

Well I came home and it was hard to settle in, I knew I would be returning to my BF in 3/4 months and I knew i had to make money to do this - I found a job and we continued our relationship long distance. I wanted to meet with my ex- to see how he is, I wanted to maintain some contact with him and keep a civil relationship.

I hate that I sometimes think of him if I have been drinking...but sometimes I do, and I called him - just a casual call and arrange to meet for coffee. Because of our relationship our families became very close and they still are, so I often hear about him which doesn't help.

The next day I regretted this decision - messaged him, apologised and told him that it was a mistake to call (thinking that he would take this as we would not be meeting up). Well I didn’t hear anything prior to the arranged meet up - but he was there - at my workplace and I had already taken my lunch and he had been waiting for 45 mins. I felt bad for him and invited him out later this evening as I would be with friends. He arrived, somehow we were left alone, drinking.......and yes I ended up at his house a stupid decision. I remember being there and thinking - you have allowed yourself to get into a potentially risky situation and you are drunk - go home. I asked him to take me home and he said I could stay just to sleep.....but we ended up together and I have cheated on my boyfriend.

I am absolutely devastated ashamed and disgusted with myself. I do not condone cheating, I have been cheated on myself it is the most painful thing I have EVER experienced. I have witnessed cheating and I have been disgusted by it. I feel sick and I hate the situation that I have caused.

I know that my ex boyfriend still loves me - he is a good man, he has not met anyone else and he would love for us to get back together. I never had closure and as hard for it is for me to admit it was inevitable that we would see each other again - he was always in my head - there was never any closure. But being with him and talking to him made me realise that things would never be how they were - the happiness we once had would never be re-created. But I have found that out at the expense of my new relationship. I stupidly put myself in a situation that has ruined everything.

Now I have been reading lots of advice forums - do I tell him or conceal this from him?

I love my boyfriend - I know some of you may not believe me but I do. And this has made me realise what I want. I know that if I tell him it will ruin everything but if I do not tell him then am at risk of living a lie.

My boyfriend has had a troubled past. He lost the love of his life as she cheated on him during a break. He spent many years resenting women and sleeping around not willing to commit. He got married his heart wasn’t fully in it it was more a convenience for both of them - he cheated on her a couple of times and then realised that actually he wanted to make it work - he never confessed but it didn’t work out regardless. He has major trust issues and it took a long time for him to trust me which I accepted. He has told me everything, the good the bad and the ugly. He is very protective and I think he would end things if he knew the truth. He has said he would end things if I cheated – but then again of course he would say that – so that I don’t cheat. So I really don’t think our relationship could survive me confessing. But I do not know what to do I am going through mental hell and yes I deserve it. Throughout our time together I have been completely faithful I would never dream of cheating, if only I had dealt with issues of my ex a long time ago.

I had so many doubts before - moving away to be with my boyfriend so far away from me, the issue of my ex always in my head. And now I know I want to go forward in this relationship surely I have ruined it. He has not always made good decisions in his life but he wanted to be honest with me about everything. I have NEVER cheated before but I don’t think he will be forgiving. I want him with all my heart I love him more than anything. We have a future planned - now what should I do???

lucky007

You wont be able to live with yourself if you don't tell him. You'll feel guilty for it for the rest of your relationship. If he leaves, then you'll have to except that. If he gives you a chance, you'll have to work hard, and for a long time to regain his trust. No matter what your choice is, it'll be difficult. Your relationship with this man will never be the same.

DawnD

There is a good chance that if you don't tell him, you will be so busy trying to keep your secret, that your relationship will suffer anyway.

I think you would be better off to come clean to him with what happened, make your intentions know that you would like to work it out, have a plan of what you are willing to do ( no more contact with the ex, transparency, etc) and take your chance. If you are woman enough to cheat on him, you need to be woman enough to tell him the truth. That is strictly just my opinion though. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Trooper

I recall reading once in an advice column that telling someone in a case like this, where it is over and will NOT happen again, is really selfish. It makes you feel better and lets you unload your guilt, but makes the other person feel terrible. I didn't know if I agreed with this but I think it does make sense the more I think about it. By telling him you are unburdening yourself but making him feel terrible. What will either of you gain from this? I can see how keeping quiet might be the better option, but then I think if I was in his shoes wouldn't I want to know so I can decide if I want to stay with the other person and I know I would want to know. I guess this is not really much help; I am on the fence about what to do in a situation like this. I think you need to think about how this will make him feel and be certain that it will NOT EVER happen again and maybe then it does not make sense to tell him. But you have to be able to live with your decision.

RandomDude

I posted about this before, I'll post again;

DawnD

I think that is my problem, I don't think she can promise that. Their families are very close, she knew she would see him and she still does have feelings for him. She's had those feelings all along. Better to let her BF in on the truth so he knows what he's up against. Again, that is just my perception since I don't really know the poster, can't really say for sure LOL.

MarriedWifeInLove

Most advice is to not tell, as it unloads the guilt onto the other person and is selfish. You need to deal with the situation, figure out how you will prevent this from happening again and cut off ALL contact with the ex-BF. You both cannot be trusted together and maintaining a relationship of any kind with him sets you/he up to be in situations where this could happen again. Even if his/your family is close, let them know that you don't want to hear about him, etc.

This is something you're going to have to live with and the guilt, shame and remorse is yours to deal with - not anyone else.

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"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

major misfit

I guess I would want to know what are you DOING to make sure this doesn't happen again? Have you set personal boundaries regarding the ex? I honestly don't understand this "closure" that people speak of. To me, when the relationship is over, there's your closure. It's over. Finis. Done with. You then set about healing from the break up, and moving forward. For me, that doesn't mean looking BACK(unless it's to keep driving a lesson learned in your brain). But that's just me.
I heard that whole spiel about "unburdening" yourself when you confess to having cheated as well. I personally don't buy it. But then I'm of the mindset that if you've strayed, you need to tell. That isn't unburdening yourself, that's letting the other person know everything so they can make an informed decision regarding their life. I always view this from a purely personal standpoint though..because if it were ME, I would want to know. There are some people that simply wouldn't.
The biggest issue you have is the ex. Are you still thinking about him? Again..where are the boundaries? You can remove someone from your mind (and heart), but it takes work. And if you really don't want him anymore, then you need to tell your parents that although you respect their choice to stay in contact, YOU choose not to. And you don't want to hear anything about him, b/c it is just too hard for you. But then you'd need to analyze WHY it's too hard. If you're going to give yourself fully to someone else, you have to bury the past, and leave it there once and for all. If you can't do that on your own, you need to get some help doing so.

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The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu

greenpearl

Your story reminds me a post I read from a Chinese forum. It was written by a Chinese woman.

She lost her virginity while she was dating a man, the man broke up with her later. In China, men like virgin wives. If their wives are not virgins, they feel that their wives are dirty, they won't treat their wives respectfully. She had a boy friend, she tried to hide the fact that she wasn't a virgin anymore, but she couldn't live in a lie, she told him the truth, he became disgusted by her right away. So she went to a doctor and had surgery, faked a virgin, found a man, married, her man was very happy the night he saw blood. But after living in a lie for several years, she couldn't handle it anymore, she told her husband the truth, her husband divorced her a few months later. He was in pain too, he blamed her for not keeping the lie!

You are still attached to this ex, you haven't moved on, you have made a mistake that is going to torture you. Don't know if I can make you feel better, right now you and your boy friend are living in two different places, I doubt his ability for being faithful. I just doubt about this, it is difficult for men not to have sex.

Will you be bothered if he cheated on you? Will you consider this even?

Having self-control ability is very important, it is saving us a lot of pain!