I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?
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Old 01-15-2011, 12:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

Well, my husband thinks I may be cheating on him which is far from the truth. He is accusing me, so I am almost enticed to do so. Reason is because I have been coming home from the gym late, I have been talking to this guy. It is nothing serious. We are just friends. I tell my husband where I am at all the time and I think he should trust me. I am near the point where I want a divorce. Our whole marriage has been stressful, and once he put the ring on my finger, he changed. I feel I have been doing everything. I am the negotiator, the planner, etc. He relies on me heavily to the point where I feel it is one sided. I give and give and never recieve anything in return.

I even tried to be intimate with him the other day, and he coughed on me and told me move out of the way. He does not respond to me or look at me the same. I have pretty much had it. When he does this, it hurts my feelings and he knows this, but yet he continues. He also feels I am not going anywhere no matter what he does. I don't know. It used to be that way. I am afraid to say that I am ready to move on.

I told my sister about this, and she thinks the reason that he thinks I am cheating is because he is cheating. She is asking me how I am missing this and honestly, I told her, I do not see any signs he is cheating on me. Although he could be, I do not have any proof to back this up.

I think our marriage is about to expire. I want to file for divorce, but I know he would not be in compliance with this because I am the reason he is functioning in society and I am a very good woman. I felt I have been very good to him. He knows this. So can I still get a divorce without him agreeing to it and how can I do this the cheapest way possible. Also, other feedback is appreciated as well.
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Old 01-15-2011, 04:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

I'm not so sure you're really "just friends" with this guy, but you say that's what it is so we'll just leave it at that. Honestly, I believe you're at least in an emotional affair with him. But that's neither here nor there, since it sounds like you're ready to call it quits.
To answer your question, yes..you can get a divorce without someone agreeing to it in most states. It takes longer and is more expensive. If you live in the US most attornies will offer a 15 minute consultation for free. That should give you some idea of what you're up against, and how much it will cost.
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Old 01-15-2011, 07:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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And just why would you have a guy friend?

Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.

My wife has never ever had any guy friends. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. We have been together 22 yrs total. Conversely, I do not have and female friends. We each may know people of the opposite gender but not as friends without each other.

Guys have one thing on their minds. And it's getting their hooks into you!

Stop the BS. Drop the guy friends.

Come straight home from the gym or move to a different one or take your husband with you.

Next I think you both need to communicate better. You both seem to be not giving each other what you both need.

Lots of books out there. I can recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Try affaircare.com or marriagebuilders.com. Lots of relationship building advice on both sites.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

Different perspective here...

Your husband doesn't want to be intimate with you but wants you to stop talking to the other guy? Interesting don't you think? Does he do this every time you try to be intimate or just occasionally?

It doesn't sound to me that your marriage has been one of negotiate and compromise, which leads to stress and ultimately "resentment". I definitely hear and feel it in your post.

People don't change unless they are in pain, frustration or hit bottom.

Divorce..only takes one to do it, don't have to be in agreement.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

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Originally Posted by Powerbane View Post
And just why would you have a guy friend?

Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.

My wife has never ever had any guy friends. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. We have been together 22 yrs total. Conversely, I do not have and female friends. We each may know people of the opposite gender but not as friends without each other.

Guys have one thing on their minds. And it's getting their hooks into you!

Stop the BS. Drop the guy friends.

Come straight home from the gym or move to a different one or take your husband with you.

Next I think you both need to communicate better. You both seem to be not giving each other what you both need.

Lots of books out there. I can recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Try affaircare.com or marriagebuilders.com. Lots of relationship building advice on both sites.
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This is great advice if everybody's marriage could or would stop negative behaviors.. and learn how to compromise, apologize, respect and love one another. Do you really think everyone wants to compromise and take care of the others needs? If this were so..why are there so many people posting on here? Books and counseling only works if you have willing people.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

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Originally Posted by Powerbane View Post
And just why would you have a guy friend?

Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.

My wife has never ever had any guy friends. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. We have been together 22 yrs total. Conversely, I do not have and female friends. We each may know people of the opposite gender but not as friends without each other.

Guys have one thing on their minds. And it's getting their hooks into you!

Stop the BS. Drop the guy friends.

Come straight home from the gym or move to a different one or take your husband with you.

Next I think you both need to communicate better. You both seem to be not giving each other what you both need.

Lots of books out there. I can recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Try affaircare.com or marriagebuilders.com. Lots of relationship building advice on both sites.
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Whoa!
Just because your wife doesn't have any guy friends, it doesn't mean that other people's wives don't have guy friends. This isn't the 50's. My wife has guy friends, i have female friends, female friends i talk to all the way back from kindegarten. And trust me, i'm not planning on putting my hooks into any of them. Only boundaries we have in regards to opposite sex friends is ex's. We have -0 ex's as friends. To me, there is no reason to commmunicate with a past love. But all that other stuff you said, cmon man. Its about trust. My wife had guy friends before she met me, i didn't expect her to cut them off. I am not insecure that way.

To the OP... you wouldn't be the first woman whose husband start accusing them of cheating out of nowhere... when it was in fact them cheating. Their guilt does this to them, they are doing wrong, and its eating them up inside, so to alleaviate said guilt, they manufacture the notion that their significant other is cheating... thus its okay for them to turn and cheat. Not saying this is the case, but if your hubby is coming out of nowhere, with no proof whatseover, then this could possibly be the cause. Good luck, and try to sit him down and have a heart to heart. If it continues to be only one side trying to fix this, then you may only have one resort, and that's to end it.
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

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Originally Posted by superwoman View Post
Well, my husband thinks I may be cheating on him which is far from the truth. He is accusing me, so I am almost enticed to do so. Reason is because I have been coming home from the gym late, I have been talking to this guy. It is nothing serious. We are just friends.
Context: How late? And where are you talking? At gym, in car?, at a restaurant? His house? where?

Ten minutes of shooting the breeze outside the gym entrance is not the same thing as four hours of emotional connection over coffee somewhere.

And the progression from those 10 minutes of breeze shooting to 4 hours of emotional connecting can happen pretty quickly. And the next stages are obvious.

The two of you have hit a patch of resentment. Worth a divorce? Seems not to be so. Refocus on each other. You can fix this.
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Old 01-15-2011, 11:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

Powerbane, having male friends does not mean cheating and disrespecting. Where did u get that from? Do you think that we have to avoid having male frineds to avoid cheating? That is just nonsense. There must be trust in a relationship and everyone has to be resposible. Adults should not be like childern falling into temptations!

To the poster, if you just have causal chit-chat outside the gym on leaving that's fine, but staying longer all th etime is also irritating your husband. So if this guy doesn't really matter to you, as you say, then try to prove your husband wrong. I think that staying longer after the gym is not the main reason why your husband is acting this way((
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Old 01-15-2011, 11:09 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

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Well, my husband thinks I may be cheating on him which is far from the truth. He is accusing me, so I am almost enticed to do so. Reason is because I have been coming home from the gym late, I have been talking to this guy. It is nothing serious. We are just friends. I tell my husband where I am at all the time and I think he should trust me. I am near the point where I want a divorce. Our whole marriage has been stressful, and once he put the ring on my finger, he changed. I feel I have been doing everything. I am the negotiator, the planner, etc. He relies on me heavily to the point where I feel it is one sided. I give and give and never recieve anything in return.

I even tried to be intimate with him the other day, and he coughed on me and told me move out of the way. He does not respond to me or look at me the same. I have pretty much had it. When he does this, it hurts my feelings and he knows this, but yet he continues. He also feels I am not going anywhere no matter what he does. I don't know. It used to be that way. I am afraid to say that I am ready to move on.

I told my sister about this, and she thinks the reason that he thinks I am cheating is because he is cheating. She is asking me how I am missing this and honestly, I told her, I do not see any signs he is cheating on me. Although he could be, I do not have any proof to back this up.

I think our marriage is about to expire. I want to file for divorce, but I know he would not be in compliance with this because I am the reason he is functioning in society and I am a very good woman. I felt I have been very good to him. He knows this. So can I still get a divorce without him agreeing to it and how can I do this the cheapest way possible. Also, other feedback is appreciated as well.
You can get a divorce even if he doesn't want it. Talk to a divorce lawyer. If both side had to agree to a divorce before a divorce could be legal then most of the divorces would never happen. It may not be easy and if you are working, or making the majority of the money he may fight you for spousal support. OR he may fight you and draw it out even if he make the most money in the marriage--but you can still be granted a divorce. It just may take longer if he isn't willing.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

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I'm not so sure you're really "just friends" with this guy, but you say that's what it is so we'll just leave it at that. Honestly, I believe you're at least in an emotional affair with him. But that's neither here nor there, since it sounds like you're ready to call it quits.
To answer your question, yes..you can get a divorce without someone agreeing to it in most states. It takes longer and is more expensive. If you live in the US most attornies will offer a 15 minute consultation for free. That should give you some idea of what you're up against, and how much it will cost.
I am completely just friends with this guy. I have no reason to lie on this forum. I am not sure what an emotional affair is. I never knew of such which is interesting. He is an attractive guy, but I have seen many attractive guys over the years and never have taken action on them. The reason I am friends with the guy because we get along very well. We seem to have a lot to talk about and I can be myself whenever I am around him. My husband just pushes me away constantly. I am tired of it. I would not cheat on my husband, but I can't take the hurt anymore.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?

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Originally Posted by Powerbane View Post
And just why would you have a guy friend?

Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.

My wife has never ever had any guy friends. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. We have been together 22 yrs total. Conversely, I do not have and female friends. We each may know people of the opposite gender but not as friends without each other.

Guys have one thing on their minds. And it's getting their hooks into you!

Stop the BS. Drop the guy friends.

Come straight home from the gym or move to a different one or take your husband with you.

Next I think you both need to communicate better. You both seem to be not giving each other what you both need.

Lots of books out there. I can recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Try affaircare.com or marriagebuilders.com. Lots of relationship building advice on both sites.
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I feel like there is nothing wrong with having guy friends at all. If hubby wants to keep a wife with him, then he should do whatever it takes to keep her and then he wouldn't worry about her having guy friends. Otherwise, if hubby is worried about wife having guy friends, he is either deficient somewhere in the marriage, or he is doing dirt.

My husband never wants to workout with me. He never wants to do anything with me whenever I ask. Whenever it's about him, I do whatever it takes to please him. I am on my own now, and he will just have to deal with me going out and doing better for myself. The reason I signed up for the gym was to give me more confidence and to make me feel good that I was doing something good about myself. I wanted to build my self esteem back up, which was killed over the years with my husband. I feel I have control now, and it feels so dang good after all of these years. I have been backed into a corner most of our marriage.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Different perspective here...

Your husband doesn't want to be intimate with you but wants you to stop talking to the other guy? Interesting don't you think? Does he do this every time you try to be intimate or just occasionally?

It doesn't sound to me that your marriage has been one of negotiate and compromise, which leads to stress and ultimately "resentment". I definitely hear and feel it in your post.

People don't change unless they are in pain, frustration or hit bottom.

Divorce..only takes one to do it, don't have to be in agreement.
It's really a shame that I have to beg my husband for sex and he does it just to satisfy me. I have stopped asking. I do occasionally come on to him, he either pushes me away or something is always wrong with him. He is hooked on porn and hides it from me. That I do know for a fact. He knows my opinion about the porn, which is the reason he is hiding it. I promise I will never get married again because people change so fast. He was just faking all along.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If you aren't already having an emotional affair with this guy, you are fast approaching it. Just by saying "I can be myself around him" and some of the other comments tell me that while you aren't physically cheating, you are emotionally. You are connecting with another man on a level that you should be connecting with your husband on. That is probably the best way to define "emotional affair" since this was a new idea for you. He could easily be picking up on your comfort with this guy vs. him and is causing him to shut down and act the way he is. Ditch the gym/this other guy and focus on you and your husband for a while or you will end up in a divorce as you are talking about. Right now you still have a chance to save your marriage it sounds like, but it will take both of you to do it. You will need to take the first step though by not continuing the relationship you seem to be forming with this guy at the gym.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Whoa!
Just because your wife doesn't have any guy friends, it doesn't mean that other people's wives don't have guy friends. This isn't the 50's. My wife has guy friends, i have female friends, female friends i talk to all the way back from kindegarten. And trust me, i'm not planning on putting my hooks into any of them. Only boundaries we have in regards to opposite sex friends is ex's. We have -0 ex's as friends. To me, there is no reason to commmunicate with a past love. But all that other stuff you said, cmon man. Its about trust. My wife had guy friends before she met me, i didn't expect her to cut them off. I am not insecure that way.

To the OP... you wouldn't be the first woman whose husband start accusing them of cheating out of nowhere... when it was in fact them cheating. Their guilt does this to them, they are doing wrong, and its eating them up inside, so to alleaviate said guilt, they manufacture the notion that their significant other is cheating... thus its okay for them to turn and cheat. Not saying this is the case, but if your hubby is coming out of nowhere, with no proof whatseover, then this could possibly be the cause. Good luck, and try to sit him down and have a heart to heart. If it continues to be only one side trying to fix this, then you may only have one resort, and that's to end it.
I spoke to my big sister about this and she thinks he is definitely cheating on me. She says I am in denial. It is not easy for me to walk away. If people only knew how much I went back and forth about this in my head. I love my husband so much and I care for him a lot, but I feel that I can be much happier on my own and not have the stress of our sex life and worrying about what he thinks about me.

I don't think talking to him does any good, he already knows how I feel, to the point where he won't change. I think he is completely paranoid and he is not able to take me talking to him seriously at this point. He may try to kill me or himself. I had a dream before we got married that he choked me. It was bad because it shook me up. I woke up in the middle of the night scared to death, laying next to him and he told me he would never hurt me. I don't think he will handle the whole thing well. I think I have talked to him and warned him plenty of times that I was going to leave him if he didn't change.
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Old 01-15-2011, 09:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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So this "friend" and you have so much to talk about and you have a dream that yr husband will choke you to death, and have no evidence whatsoever that he is a violent person, and you sister thinks he is cheating on you?

And he won't have sex with you either?

I just have to say that you either are leaving out a lot or something is off kilter.

Strictly based on what you have written here I see you connecting dots that shouldn't be. And you are so having an emotional affair.

If you were not you'd give up friendships that make your h uncomfortable .

Truest test of your intentions with work out guy is to ask that guy if he would sleep with you if you were not married.

Not suggesting you do!

But I already know his answer.

And I think you do too.

He's not your platonic friend.
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