Frustrated and not sure what to do
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Old 01-15-2011, 09:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Frustrated and not sure what to do

My boyfriend's father passed away a week ago today. We knew his father was going to be gone within 6 months, found that out around Christmas, but didn't expect it this soon.

My problem is this. Before we started having problems, we had a great relationship: talked all the time, never argued, agreed on most everything. Since we started having problems, there are two things he does that are driving me nuts.

He will cut me off mid-sentence because he assumes he knows what I'm going to say or he thinks it has no bearing on what we're talking about. I have talked to him about this, and I have told him when he does it "if you'll let me finish" or "please don't cut me off".

The other thing is, using his father's passing as an example. He won't talk to me and tell me what is going on. I ask if he's done this or that, or does he need help with this or that, and he says he's taking care of it, or he will, or don't worry about it or whatever. And then yesterday, he'd told me the night before he wanted us to drop the kids at school and then head out to take care of the funeral home and picking up his father's personal effects. Then, when I got up yesterday he said we'd go when I got back from dropping the kids off. Then I get back and he kept sleeping, then got up and asked me what the plans were for the day. I said well, you said you wanted to do this, so that's what I thought we were doing. Then, he tells me I don't communicate this kind of stuff to him. This is his thing, I thought he needed to communicate to me what we were doing.

I'm trying to be understanding, because I know his father's passing is hard on him. He drives a truck, and he was in Minnesota when it happened. He didn't get to say goodbye, and he had to go through some really horrendous weather to get back home. So, I know he's stressed and upset right now.

But I hate being cut off mid-sentence, and I hate being told I'm the one not communicating when he's not communicating with me either. It's really getting on my nerves, to the point where I'll almost be glad to see him go back on the road. This is not what I want for our relationship.

I love him so very much, but I don't like being treated this way. It's worse now that his father has passed, and I don't know if it's because of that, or if it's just that now his true colors are coming out and he's always going to treat me this way.

We've been working on our problems, but sometimes I feel like he isn't trying that hard, or he doesn't care, but if I say that to him, he says he thinks that about me. I really want this to work, and he says he does, too.

There are things he does that makes me feel like he is trying, and is making the effort, but when he cuts me off or accuses me of not communicating or whatever, it seems like that overrides anything good.

Should I talk to him about this stuff now or wait a bit until things even back out a bit from his father's passing? And if I talk to him now, any suggestions about what I could say? I think I've tried about anything, but I'll take any suggestions.

We're not going to break up, but I feel like at this point, we're stuck and don't know how to get back to a good relationship from where we are now.

Sorry this ended up being so long.
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated and not sure what to do

My condolences on the passing of your b/fs father. My SO's mother was just diagnosed with cancer, and you're now living what I fear.
Honestly, I would wait. He's not likely in a place where he's really hearing what you're saying anyway. I imagine his mind will be one place one minute, and another the next. This is why I'd wait. I also wouldn't put any issues on him just right now. Give him a chance to heal some from his father's passing.
There are stages of grief, and I think I'd check them out...just to get a better idea of where he's at.
Again, my sympathies to you all.
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated and not sure what to do

If he is used to you handling things you may have to step in and take care of it.

But how you approach this is the thing.

Sit him down and ask him if he wants you to take care of x, y, and z. Tell him you are happy to do those things regarding funeral arrangements, etc.

If he tells you to not bug him about it and he has it covered, then just let it go. It's on him at that point.

If he asks for your help, then do those things.

As for he being rude? If this is strictly regarding his father's passing, cut him a little slack, but remind him to not be rude.

If it is a general trend, draw a line and not engage in it, let him know it is BS.
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Old 01-15-2011, 12:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated and not sure what to do

So sorry, such a hard situation.

How about, at least for this funeral situation, you guys sit down and write out the things that need to be done. You could take some of the responsibility for things if he'll let you. Tell him you really want to help him with this. He has a lot on his mind and probably thinks he wants to handle it all because it's the right thing to do. But he's shutting you out. You can even put the days down that certain things will be done together. That way, it's at least in print. The communication issue is a tough one. You need to be listened to, and he doesn't get that. I wish you luck. We're working on it, too.
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Old 01-15-2011, 02:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated and not sure what to do

Well, we've gotten the situation regarding his father taken care of. It's just that it was a good example of him telling me I don't communicate but yet he's not communicating with me. And of course, being what it is, I don't want to throw it in his face, and be like, "Well, you didn't talk to me when your dad died!"

It's just...it seems like it's gotten worse since his dad passed, and that's why I'm thinking it's stress. And I'm trying to remind myself that he's stressed and grieving and it won't be like this forever. It's just rough, because I've always had a temper and a low tolerance for being treated badly, and I've worked really hard over the years to get that under control and be able to calmly tell someone what they've done to irritate me and how it made me feel and stuff. And when he does this, it's harder for me to resist the urge to just get mad and end up fighting, which I really hate to do.

I do know that we've developed a...I don't know...a synergy where we both know what we do: he earns the money, I pay the bills; he does the computer repairs, I keep track of maintenance on the vehicles or house, etc. But the passing of a family member for whom we are next of kin wasn't something we ever figured out who would do or anything. And I wanted to let him handle it, but also make sure he knew I was here to do anything he needed or wanted me to do. But then, it was like...he wasn't doing anything. So, I started kinda pushing a little to see what he was doing or if he wanted me to handle anything.

I have decided to follow the advice here, and I will let go on the cutting me off and such for now. I'll give him time to get past this, and if he continues then, then I'll talk to him again.

Thanks!
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated and not sure what to do

hi--

i understand where you are in all this..lost. its hard to deal with a parent who passes on. he is mad at everyone and everything. he is taking to out on the world.

his dad was here one day and gone the next. he is trying to process it all. he is not being mean or anything like that, but it does feel like he is pushing you away.

you have to listen to mimi..shake it off. let him start the greving process, which he is prob not doing, and its hurting him. he is not ready to accept the grief yet.

its soon yet. find info in line about grief, and ones left behind, and the ones with the ones left behind. you can start to fully understand whats happening. you cant force him to deal, he must come to terms for himself.

some on line research might give you a time line of how long is to long to avoid the subject, and when a grief counsler might be in order.

but know this, its not you. its him. loseing a parent is hard. your boyfriend could also be dealing with unresolved issues, and wanted more time with his dad to work it out. he is just mad right now.

it will get better. stay strong. he will need you to lean on. again im sorry he passed.
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