Johnnymac

Earlier last year I was going through a separation and divorce while simultaneously starting a relationship with another woman. (Yes, I know - terrible timing, and I fully realize it was a mistake.) I'll call this woman "Tonya". Tonya and I hit it off wonderfully and began a romantic fling (no sex involved yet) while I was technically still married. After a few weeks, she called it off because she didn't want to feel like she was becoming a mistress.

In the next few months we got back together twice and broke up, each time getting deeper and heavier into short relationships. While those were going on, Tonya seemed to be crazy about me while I was crazy about her. She and made both vague and concrete references about the future, and she seemed very sincere about being serious with me. She finally called things off for good because I could not give her 100% due to the divorce still going on, because she felt like I could not give her everything she needed with these strings still attached to me. Unfortunately I took splitting with her really, REALLY hard because I had realized that I was falling head over heels in love with her. I was devastated.

Since then, I had to do a lot of healing to do. I went through Thanksgiving week and most of December alone and that was incredibly difficult. Eventually the whole divorce process wound down and ended, I had moved out on my own, had moved on and was starting to get comfortable in my new single life.

Meanwhile around the Christmas holidays, Tonya and I started seeing one another again, this time very slowly and carefully with occasional dating. Things have been feeling good and comfortable with no rushing into things as quickly and heavily as before. In theory I want to give us all the time and space we need for a proper courtship and for a relationship to blossom.

The trouble is, after recently having a sort of "define the relationship" discussion, she has made it clear that she doesn't want any relationship with me or any other man right now or for the foreseeable future. All she wants is non-committal dating. Strange because during my divorce process (when I was less available) she was all gung-ho about having something serious with me but now she's not.

Now I'm around this woman enough, and know enough about her work schedule, her time with her kids, her friends, etc. to know that there most likely isn't another guy she's involved with, so Tonya's probably not playing me in that regard.

I'm still crazy in love with her. I can't seem to shake it. It hurts like a mild heartbreak that she doesn't want to have much to do with me outside of occasionally going out or hanging around at her house as friends.

I've never told her the full extent of my feelings towards her. I know she likes me, but it wouldn't be a stretch to say that she probably doesn't love me back.

What should I do? Should I tough it out for a few more months of courtship in hopes that Tonya might change her mind and begin to have deeper feelings for me? Should I tell her how I truly feel? Or should I cut things off now and work on trying to fall out of love with her, as difficult as that will be?

I've already tried dating a few other women, but I just can't get Tonya out of my mind and out of my heart. Please help!

moonangel

Why can't you just tell her exactly how you feel about her? I don't get this holding back thing.

Hicks

What she said was a test to see if you are man enough to overcome a barrier... Be the best MAN you can for 3-4 months and at that point tell her to make her choice. Operate from a position of strength which is your masculinity, your ability to keep her emotionally happy, and your complete lack of need that she is in your life.

major misfit

She has stated her position. And if I read things correctly, you're wondering if she MIGHT change her mind if you hang in there and tough it out. I can speak only from a personal standpoint here...if a man confessed his feelings for me, and I didn't feel the same way...if in fact I had stated my intentions clearly, and he still told me that he loved me and was wanting something more...I'd have to end the relationship. Please understand that this is just ME. She might not feel that way. I wouldn't want to keep you hanging on like that. I would also cut waaaay back on any type of "friend" type activities. I might not want to totally end the friendship, but it would be very uncomfortable for me knowing how you felt.

It's likely that this woman knows already if there's even a remote possibility of something more in the future. I'm not so sure this is a "fitness test". Could be that she KNOWS exactly where she's at, and the likelihood of it turning into something more. Or not.

If you're content to keep hanging in there knowing that she might never change how she feels, then do so. I would think that would be pretty hard to do, however. It also might keep you from moving forward and allowing the possibility of another relationship with someone else. The whole "carrying a torch" thing. If I were you, I'd stop hanging out with her very much (as in a RARE occasion) and start looking elsewhere. If she's going to change her mind, it would be when she realizes what she stands to lose.

__________________
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu

Johnnymac

I guess it's fear of pushing things too hard. That's what sort of ruined it before, and I'm afraid of making the same mistake. Obviously, a confession of true love is not to be taken lightly and will complicate things heavily.

I've thought of that. But it also opens the possibilities to her getting interested in other guys, or her losing interest in me. I don't think I can take that kind of rejection after spending a good amount of time with her and investing myself emotionally in her.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a very confident man and I'm very comfortable with myself and abilities. I know I'm a good man and a good catch. It's her that's the questionable one here.

Johnnymac

I think I will cut back on the hanging out, texting, etc. and concentrate only on the actual dating part for the time being.

I just wonder if it will be all worth it. IN our "DTR" discussion, she seemed pretty wishy-washy and almost inconsistent with things. That threw up a big red flag in my eyes as if she's playing me.

major misfit

I'd cut back on the dating part as well. I'd start dating other women, and wouldn't hide the fact. You'll know her intentions soon enough. But if she has a change of heart, and then starts pulling back again, you'll know you're being played.

__________________
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu