Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Re: My partner has a pattern.. I don't know If can trust him anymore.
I hope you’ll hear me out as what I’m about to say might appear a bit radical, a bit different to any other advice you’ve been given, then again it may not!
Firstly, there are two things you need to note. One is that this is not about you and the other is that you need to accept your boyfriend as he is, because that is the reality.
Now you might be seething to hear me say that and I ‘get’ that a response like that is totally normal, but like I said I hope you’ll hear me out, because I really care about you and boyfriend (and your baby boy) and you seem like you’d both like to work this out.
When I say it’s not about you, you might say – ‘well I know that’. However, your angry and upset response to finding the ‘chats’ tells me that you’ve made it mean something about you. It might be that you don’t feel good enough or that it means you’re unlovable – have a dig around inside to find out what you’ve made it mean about you. When you unearth it, it will resonate with you and you’ll know for sure what you’ve made it mean. Whatever it is,(and I’m guessing here and I could be wrong ) it is affecting your self esteem and making you react instead of respond. A good supportive website to visit is SelfEsteem4Women.
Now to the second point. Resisting what IS, rarely changes anything and can be very stressful. I think you’d really benefit from reading ‘Loving What Is’ by Byron Katie. It might even be available on audio if you prefer listening than reading. Now this doesn’t mean that you have to put up with your boyfriend’s infidelity. If that’s a deal-breaker for you then you might consider moving out. What it does mean is that if you can see the infidelity in a different light, drop the resistance, stop trying to change him and love him unconditionally as you both work on this issue, you’ll feel a whole lot clearer and balanced over it and this will give him the space to make the changes he needs to make. He’s already half way there with the realisation that his issue has probably arisen because of what happened to him when he was little. If you can see your way to thinking about this issue from his perspective in that it must be really horrible to feel like you need constant approval and attention, enough to risk the relationship with someone you love, then this is a much more resourceful way of responding. What’s needed here is compassion for the both of you. I’m guessing that at the moment this might be difficult for you but I think if you read the book by Byron Katie it will get easier.
The bottom line is your boyfriend has to want to make the change himself otherwise the changes won’t last. The key for you both is to talk about the issue when you are both calm and rational and to agree not to raise voices and accuse and blame. Because I can’t speak to your boyfriend, I can only suggest things for YOU to do. However, when you make some positive changes to how you communicate and raising your self esteem, your boyfriend can’t help but change too.
I hope this helps.