General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Shw wants its but wont leave I dont want it & Im staying,why should I get out when she is the one that wants the space we have kids I work 8 to 5 shes getting a job she has been a sahm,leaves on weekends & I take care of kids ,when I get home from work & when shes gone,I pay all the bills why should I leave my home because she wants a seperation????
yeah but shes playing the mommy thing to the hilt,but leaves when ever she feels like it,knowing that they are going to be taken care of.I want her to go to get a taste of the real world she has no clue what it takes.just wants me to flip the bill
Since she's come to you and expressed her unhappiness what have you done to make things better?
You seem to take absolutely no responsibility for the problems in your marriage. I haven't seen you say there's anything you could work on. You complain, complain, complain. Perhaps you're just unintentionally painting yourself in a negative light. If not, "the real world" will be a nice break for your wife.
Take her credit cards away. Block all her access to money. Stop giving her cash. See what happens.
Would you suggest that his wife stop caring for the children, leaves him high and dry without any full time daycare and walks out on her family role as well?
Perhaps his lack of giving her any (real) credit coupled with his inability to see that he plays a roll in the relationship is the problem.
I feel that he should leave the home if his wife wants a separation. It is what would be best for the kids as she is the main caregiver during the 45 hours he's gone (that's if he doesn't have any commute time added in). He's putting her in an impossible situation because she is unhappy but not able to do anything about it because of her love/obligation to the children.
She wants the sep... He wants to stay and work on the marriage. It's not really that complicated. Nobody's perfect but when one is willing to stay and make the effort, and the other person is s not, then the person not willing to make the effort is doing the harm to the children. I disagree that she is in any way putting her children first. Part of being willing to ask for a separation is bearing ALL of the consequences, taking ownership for the harm you are causing to children, and not just go after the "good parts" of the seperation.
She wants the sep... He wants to stay and work on the marriage. It's not really that complicated. Nobody's perfect but when one is willing to stay and make the effort, and the other person is s not, then the person not willing to make the effort is doing the harm to the children. I disagree that she is in any way putting her children first. Part of being willing to ask for a separation is bearing ALL of the consequences, taking ownership for the harm you are causing to children, and not just go after the "good parts" of the seperation.
He wants to stay and wants HER to work on the marriage. He's staying without making an effort. He blames her (or facebook, or the internet) for everything.
Would you suggest that his wife stop caring for the children, leaves him high and dry without any full time daycare and walks out on her family role as well?
Perhaps his lack of giving her any (real) credit coupled with his inability to see that he plays a roll in the relationship is the problem.
I feel that he should leave the home if his wife wants a separation.
This is bad advice, sorry to say Trenton. Do NOT do this without speaking to a lawyer. Too often the man leaving the home is deemed abandonment later. This is sometimes grounds for the man to get hosed in any divorce proceedings that may occur down the road.
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It is what would be best for the kids as she is the main caregiver during the 45 hours he's gone (that's if he doesn't have any commute time added in). He's putting her in an impossible situation because she is unhappy but not able to do anything about it because of her love/obligation to the children.
What is best for the kids does not need to include him getting hosed in whatever divorce might take place, IMO.
I have not read your other posts. But, on the surface, this dilemma seems rather clear to me. Your wife wants the separation, so she should move out. Since you are paying all of the bills, you should stay put. Most people don't fully understand the financial impact of a separation. Your current budget allows your current lifestyle. Stick to your budget! Do you have enough income to maintain two households?
And on a second note, your wife does not put the children as her first priority. A good mother does not leave her children every weekend and nights. It sounds as though she merely dumps them when you get home. What extracurricular activities does your wife currently have going on?
This is bad advice, sorry to say Trenton. Do NOT do this without speaking to a lawyer. Too often the man leaving the home is deemed abandonment later. This is sometimes grounds for the man to get hosed in any divorce proceedings that may occur down the road.
What is best for the kids does not need to include him getting hosed in whatever divorce might take place, IMO.
She wants a divorce because he is blaming her for everything and unwilling to consider any thought besides he is this amazing guy and she is unable to appreciate that. Ironically, his position on this is completely ostracizing her.
If things are so great for her why is he the one who wants to stay? Holding financial value over her head is a gross option and one that does not convey love and understanding but rather selfish, ownership and division.
It's not really advice for him so much as me saying that I think he needs to take another look at their relationship and be more supportive of his wife overall. How would cutting her off financially work and how is this fair to her when she is still doing the bulk of the childcare?
I've never been through divorce proceedings but if she were here and not him I would tell her to speak to a lawyer now as well, instead of acting out in rebellion to his lack of support of her as this will be seen negatively by a judge as well.
Is it true that I feel more for her than him since I play a similar role as she does in my own relationship? Yes. I have clear bias here and don't like the fact that much of the advice is to cut her off. I'm doubting he's as innocent as he announces since the wife in this case has done nothing to jeopardize the well being of her children but is instead sending clear messages to her husband that she's had enough.
I have not read your other posts. But, on the surface, this dilemma seems rather clear to me. Your wife wants the separation, so she should move out. Since you are paying all of the bills, you should stay put. Most people don't fully understand the financial impact of a separation. Your current budget allows your current lifestyle. Stick to your budget! Do you have enough income to maintain two households?
And on a second note, your wife does not put the children as her first priority. A good mother does not leave her children every weekend and nights. It sounds as though she merely dumps them when you get home. What extracurricular activities does your wife currently have going on?
I believe in this case the children are all school age and the wife has done the bulk of the child rearing so that the husband could provide for the family which equates her clearly contributing to the well being of the family as much as he has. The change in dynamic could be because she feels a sense of loss at the children getting older and her sense of worth has gone down because of this same change. She's looking for new ways to value herself and her role in the family.
This is all conjecture as it usually is on posts like these when we can't get both sides or details. For me, the red flag in his post is that he wants to stay and she wants to leave because it tells me that he is more content in the relationship as it is which means his basic needs are still being met and hers are not. Why should her needs be considered less important or her role over the years in their marriage less valued?
He wants to stay and wants HER to work on the marriage. He's staying without making an effort. He blames her (or facebook, or the internet) for everything.
How wrong you are I wanted to go to counciling<ive done everything to try to convince her of my love & support no I dont want her to leave but why should I either IM not like a hands off dad my kids adore me I tuck them in eevrynight read stories you name it. & when the kids are in school shes not taking care of them? we have had a wonderful relationship for a long time till a few months ago Ive got letters written to me to prove that then something happened,dont ask me what did?? lots of things why she had a EA, why is this going on more to it than that Im willing to do anything to keep my family intack.she needs the space so I think she needs to go she can still do her part but Im willing & will do anything but Im not thinking irrationally we are living pay check to paycheck just like everybody else,so no the budget cannot support two households we will lose everything thats the next bad thing thats going to happen.
Wifes the one who wants a seperation? 
Fully
