loveandmarriage

My husband got upset with me last night. I thought it was a good idea that we think about what we needed from each other to be happy in our marriage. Then in about 2 days, we could talk about it. Well, my husband got upset and said that he was happy before I found out about all the numerous phone calls to his married, female client.

In case you did not know, about a month ago I found out that my husband was calling this client about 9-10 times a day. This went on for about a month and a half. He was talking to her about 15-60+ minutes ON EACH CALL. When I confronted him, he said he was sorry and it would stop. BUT when I checked his e-mail, he e-mailed this client and told her that he had to stop calling each other so much. He told her he like their conversations, but he did not want his wife to snoop and think they are having sex when they aren't. He also said that they could e-mail each other because that is private from his wife. This bothered me that he would still contact her behind my back. He has also flirted with a hotel desk clerk while he was out of town on business and e-mailed her pic to his friends to see what they thought of her. AND occasionally, he talks (he said it's about politics) with another woman that he met online. (He is really into debating people about why their views are what they are.) One time he talked to her from 9:30pm-1am. Then they texted each other until 3am.

Last night when he got upset with me, I told him that I don't think he thinks he has done something wrong. I know he feels bad that he hurt me, but he does not view his actions as cheating. He agreed that he felt he did nothing wrong and said that he thought we have different views about this. I said if you are bonding with another woman, then this can start to affect our marriage. He said he was not bonding with her. He was just talking with her. I said he must have been bonding, he was talking to her 9-10 times a day. Sometimes talking to her for over an hour. I also said I know if the tables were turned and I hooked up with some guy and started talking to him, he would have a problem with it. He said that was different because you are "hooking up" with someone. I told him when I say hooking up I mean just meeting someone. If I talked to an old guy friend numerous times a day, he would not like it. I also asked him if he did not do anything wrong then why did he never mention her before I found out about all the phone calls. He said he knew I would I would not like that I was talking to her. I then asked him if you knew I would not like it, then why do it in the first place? He yelled, "because it was fun! I like arguing with people! That's it!" I asked him to keep his voice down because he is going to wake up the kids, but he said no because he is getting frustrated about this whole thing. "I wished I never met f***ing her!" I was getting upset so I went to bed.

Right now I am no longer hurt by his actions. I'm angry. He's not getting the fact that it's the sneakiness that I have the most problem with. He have female friends (even an ex-girlfriend) that he sometimes talk to. And he has always mentioned them to me and told me when he talked to them. I don't have a problem with him having female friends. IT'S ABOUT THE THINGS HE IS DOING BEHIND MY BACK! Even if he is not doing anything physical, it still looks deceptive. Carrying on in this way with other women is disrespectful to me.

So my question is this (because maybe I'm not getting it):

Blanca

I definitely think if its going on behind your back it constitutes as some kind of affair. Id actually never heard of an emotional affair until I came on this site. So i guess that definition is different for everyone. But whenever someone is hiding something, its never good and does look suspicious.

if he cant be sympathetic to you feeling deceived and isnt even willing to write down the needs in the marriage then I would probably back off completely. for a long time i kept coming to my H trying to get him to work on the marriage to no avail. So I dont do that anymore. I just work on me and leave him be. Its hurtful and i have had to emotionally withdrawal, but oddly enough i am happier then before. Not with the relationship necessarily, but with myself in general. I hope he comes around and if he does I will know its because he chose to and not because i was making him.

I also cut off some physical contact for awhile and, i guess not surprisingly, that really caught his attention. he started asking me what he could do to be allowed to touch me again.

but as far as defining an emotional affair, the point is he deceived you and that is always hurtful.

draconis

An emotionak affair is one with another person that takes away from the relationship you are in depriving of emotional needs such as comfort, hugs, kisssing, and cuddling. Often someone in an emotional affair get distance because they can get solace from another so they don't give it to their partner.

draconis

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Blanca

This concept of an emotional affair is new to me. What if your spouse is not capable of giving emotionally in a certain area? And so one turns to someone else to get emotional support in a certain area. is that an emotional affair? And is an emotional affair with someone of the opposite sex only or can there be same sex emotional affairs?

draconis

Gender ~ Since an emotional is an attraction it can only happen same sex if the person is bi-sexual or gay. But it can happen.

More often then not it is an attraction to the person as if setting up for if the relationship goes sour. Some times it is just getting the pieces you would from your partner from someone else.

If you have children you will understand this. Imagine you have a child but the only time you got to see them was to change their diaper, or fix a skinned knee. All important in raising a child but the thought of seeing them walk for the first time or hearing their first words make you feel like you have done something right and you are uplifted. An emotional affair strips you of that feeling with your partner.

draconis

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loveandmarriage

ljtseng,

You took the words right out of my mouth. I am backing off and right not I am no longer hurt, but angry. So because I am angry, I am backing off and distancing myself from the situation. I found out about all of this almost 2 months ago and it is mostly what I think about during the day. So I feel if I just work on me to move on from this, this will help me be a better person for me and my kids.

My husband tried to apologize for yelling (not anything else), but I told him I don't want to talk about it. That's all I'm saying. I kinda don't want to think about it anymore. I now know where I stand with my husband, and it's not a good feeling knowing that you are not in the #1 position; He is. And because of his selfishness and self-centeredness we are now in a place where his wife does not feel safe with him anymore. And I will probably never trust him 100% percent again.

loveandmarriage

Draconis,

You have responded to all of my threads and I think your comments are insightful. Can you tell me what your personal opinion is about this thread?

draconis

I think that people sometimes read to much into things and you really have to have good communications in your relationship to have boundries to what isn't okay. I have seen emotional affairs do as much or more damage to a relationship as outright cheating. But many times it comes down to the couple and what they consider okay.

Do I think there is something behind Emotional Affairs--Yes. Do I think that people take it past the point (like blaming a casual friend or co-worker of the opposite sex of EA when they would do nothing a same sex friend would do.) To often I see this too.

draconis

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