husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-21-2011, 10:26 PM Thread Starter
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husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop

My husband coudn't find a job in our city a few years ago and took a job in another state. housing market was bad, we couldnt sell the house, then another year and eventually 3 went by. He comes home every 5 weeks or so. Been together 20 years and marriage has had its ups and downs. I like my job, my community and he does NOT like his job or where he lives. so relaly why would I want to go there? He has an apartment, and basically i am home with our son functioning as a single parent and he is supporting us ( I work so I pay for things as well and our home is paid for) . I have found him 3 jobs in the past 3 years that are local. The one job he accepted the offer but then turned down at last minute, the second job he kept saying he couldn't take time off from present job to interview for (he would have been hired) and recently had yet another offer. All the jobs I found on line for him (I have HR background), did all the correspondence, and they are all in his line of work paying the same salary he makes now. Plus he'd be home, not have to pay to commute or for living in his own apartment. I am starting to lose patience with this situation. It is like being in limbo - married but not. When he does come home to visit it is for 5 days and it is awkward. We are used to being on our own, i get no support in parenting bc he doesn't want to be the bad guy for the few days he is home. His perception of a good husband is a "provider" ..i don' want to tell him what to do bc i don't want him to ever hold it against me, but am i a fool? Am I being taken advantage of> I dont' want to move . But I don't know why i can't put my foot down. at this poit i am so angry and reentful that if i were to move there and abandon my job, home and friends i think i would be miserable and our marriage would suffer. Pls advise

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2011, 04:54 AM
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Re: husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop

Don't tell him what to do. Tell him make a choice between moving home and getting a divorce.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2011, 05:58 AM
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Re: husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop

I can understand both sides. I live in the SE USA, but work overseas for a month at a time. I did this for two reasons;
1) I love my work and the excitement and satisfaction that it gives me.
2) The pay is extremely good.
3) I only work six months a year, alternating one month on, one month off.

Every once in a while, I ask my wife if this is still working for her. She stays home and takes care of everything while I am gone. She always tells me that it is working out well. I have a whole month to devote to her and take care of stuff at home. She also like the standard of living that my salary gives us.

However, if she ever told me that she was tired of it and wanted me home, I would find a job at home in a heartbeat. The pay would be less, but if that's what it took to keep my wife happy, I'd do it in a minute.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2011, 08:02 AM
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Re: husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop

I am trying to figure out why you were doing all the "leg" work to help him get a job locally?? Isn't he motivated to do that himself?

Has he asked you to move? Your reason for not moving was because you said he doesn't like his job...he must like it enough not to pursue any other job or he is using all this as a way to avoid you and responsibilities.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2011, 10:32 AM
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Re: husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop

This one doesn't pass the smell test.

He likes this arrangement for some reason.

It would be helpful for him to tell you what it is - or for you to find out what it is.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2011, 12:09 PM
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Re: husband lives/works out of town & doesn't want to stop

I agree with Conrad...something's up. I think I'd make a surprise visit to where he lives. For starters.

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu
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