ros

have been married 20 years I have four children.My husband and I get on well but last year we hit a rocky patch money worries and a new job drained my husband also i was in college, to cut a very long story short our sex life suffered, one evening my husband left his mails open and I spotted he was on many date sites, and appeared to have been attemping to arrange a date ,so I set up a fake profile and he fell for it ,he arrange to meet at a hotel not far from our home his face dropped when he saw me ,he swore he hadnt met anyone before and said he really didnt know why he had done it I asked him was it because we hadnt had sex in a long time he said no whenever I attempt to have sex he was always saying "Im tired or got to be up early when it did happen it was wham bang and roll over ,leaving me to deal with myself ,we tried to get on with things when a year later he was meant to go away for a weekend with his mates again i found he had tried to arrange a meeting with some woman overseas ,she hadnt taken him up on his offer,so more talking and we again tried to put it behind us. Since then sex has been rare, with him saying things like "Im tired ,I got to be up early for work when it does happen he just does his bit and rolls over when he says "sorry" because he knows although he has relieved I have'nt if I ask him to help me he just gets annoyed
I really dont know what to do and would love to hear opinions from other men that this has happened to maybe they could enlighten me or women who have encountered the sme problem.
We are both 41.
Thank You in advnce

Lazarus

[QUOTE=ros;243293]I really dont know what to do./QUOTE]

Do you want to save your marriage and be with your husband?

If so, you need to consider ways to work things out. Talk but you need to plan for the worst, in advance.

Why put pressure on him for sex if something is wrong?

Speak to a valued friend, someone trustworthy, or a listening ear counselling service if there is one available in your country's healthcare system.

He is investing his time on online dating sites, not in YOU or your MARRIAGE! Sounds as though he is living a double life, a seedy depraved existence. He has taken his fantasy into the real world by meeting total strangers from the internet. That is dangerous for you.

His behaviour is desrespectful to say the least and he appears to be treating you like a doormat, he is having his cake and eat it. Is he trying to treat you as a convenient doormat till someone better comes along?

He is putting you at risk of harm with sexually transmitted diseases and his behaviour is likely to affect your mental well being, including potentially destroying all that you hold dear, your lifestyle, financial health and the loving man you married is now very much distracted into another world of meeting strangers. He isn't working on saving your relationship. He needs a wake up call.

Meeting women off the internet and trying to impress them involves time and money that could benefit you and your family. The altered ego will want to impress these strangers with drinks, dinners, hotels ( maybe ) and all of this costs money!

Your marriage is in trouble. Think about everything, how you, your family, children will be affected if this marriage breaks up.

Do all the thinking and preparation in advance before taking any major action.

If you need to visit a lawyer be wary. Take a friend with you, that is important. Lawyers are businesses and fees can be their priority. An unethical lawyer sits like a taxi driver racking up costs and acting like a counsellor in a therapy session without using the time appropriately to arm you with the important advice you need to make major life changing decisions.

You are likely to be very vulnerable as you may end up on an emotional rollercoaster discovering all about his demeaning behaviour, his betrayal and it could have been going on for years, even during good times. All the devious lies and sly behaviour; sneaking away for illicit liasions may shock you, although he must have been shocked meeting you instead of an internet stranger.

Affair people can be excellent liars. Some can be so plausible, so skillful in their deceitful web of lies that your world can be shattered and turned upside down immediately with their betrayal because you trusted them completely. The DS can even deceive all their friends creating a web of sympathy and lies gathering support. Their lies can extend to family and friends.

If you have friends who know the truth this can help counteract reactions (if necessary) but if there are no or few friends you may find that his family and friends may treat you like a demon due to his continuing lies when he has been the one causing all the harmful effects pre and post exposure. Such people cheat on friends too. Showing similar contempt and disrespect. So be armed and careful about misinformation being spun that benefits the DS. It could affect how you interact with normally good friends and family.

Friends that are cheaters can have a bad influence on your family and your spouse is likely to find themselves acting out similar behaviour to that of cheating friends. That's why people should be very wary of any friends known to be cheaters and to remain alert. The responsibility to cheat lies firmly on the shoulders of the cheater but look at his friends and understand if they too have a record of cheating on their LS. It could have affects but in your case, it's too late. You discovered is cheating in a way that he could not deny. Keep that information, you may need it.

Prepare yourself for the worst, in any event.

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