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Detaching--Need More Suggestions

4K views 30 replies 13 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
As most of you are aware, I've gone through some difficult times in my marriage since the aftermath of my husband's brain injury in late-2008.

Last week, I finally got a clue, thanks to all the subtle (HA) hints from you guys here on TAM.

For exactly a week and a half I have been detaching from my husband and trying to break the bonds of co-dependence, not only for myself, but for him and our relationship.

The situation doesn't call for a 180, but detaching so that I am not so emotionally involved, therefore, I can look at our issues rationally and "from a distance" if you will.

What I have been doing is:

- Not saying I love you all the time. Interestingly enough, if I don't say it and he doesn't either, then I don't feel the let down I used to when I said it and he didn't mirror.
- Doing some things I like to do. Such as stay up and watch my favorite TV show instead of going to bed with him and watching what he likes.
- Not calling him while I'm at work to check on him. He appears to be feeding himself and taking his meds without my reminders, so I'm treating him like the big boy he is.
- Not in his man cave every night and weekend - hard for me as I want to spend time with him, but I'm pulling myself away and spending time in the family room or bedroom.
- I quit checking his internet history, etc. Is he still probably cruising porn - sure, but I've decided it isn't my problem anymore, he will pursue me and realize that the real thing is much more exciting by the time I'm done with him.
- This past weekend he didn't want to go anywhere, so I went into town without him and spent 5 hours out and didn't tell him what I did and where I went.

I've noticed some "subtle" changes in his behavior - nothing really major (he has yet to begin to pursue me), but subtle. His attitude is more friendly, he is initiating conversations with me instead of me initiating them. And at least 4 or 5 times he has asked me "what are you doing?" when I was not with him and in another room of the house. And, he has been initiating calls while I'm at work. He has also been "patting" me in bed, which is his way of saying I love you.

He hasn't yet begun pursuing me - physically, emotionally or sexually yet, but I'm being patient.

Takes 28 days to make/break a habit and I assume it will take 28 days to push him into reforming new habits with me.

I'm in need of additional suggestions to shake things up, keep him on his toes and this has another advantage, it's cognitive therapy for his brain!

I'm open for anything - let me have it...
 
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#2 ·
Wow...you are doing GREAT! I gotta pat you on the back here! Keep doing what you're doing. It might take longer than 28 days, lol.

Go take up ballroom dancing. Make sure he knows about the really cute instructor.

Go to the gym. Hire a personal trainer. Don't all men think that their women are banging the personal trainer? (I kid, I kid)

STAY OUT of that man cave! Don't set foot in there. EVER. I wouldn't answer him when he asked what I was doing..I'd be in another part of the house where I couldn't hear him. Let him come out of that man cave and look for you if he wants to know what you're doing.

I'd leave certain types of reading material lying around where he was sure to see them, but that might be going too far..and I won't tell you what that reading material would be. :D

I'm no help here, I'm sorry. My mind is so befuddled this morning I shouldn't even be online.
But I do want to tell you that YOU are doing great!
 
#3 ·
Thanks - I can't STAY OUT of the man cave entirely or I would never see the man - he lives in there unless he has to go to the bathroom or is going to bed - but I'm in there a lot less.

Already have "that" reading material - been leaving that around, didn't even think it would help, will have to pull out more...

I responded to your other post, go read it - might help you today.

Thanks again!
 
#5 ·
Watch (or re-watch) 'The Breakup'. Then I recommend NOT doing any of those things... but it will be fun to daydream about them! :)
 
#9 ·
Lol--okay, since most of my family will tell you that the hardest thing to teach me was "sharing"...I'll throw some out there!

You had said some time ago you used to be a fitness instructor, right? So go back to the gym. It makes you healthier, stronger and relieves stress. Nature's Prozac, baby! :D Wait...or was that chocolate????

That brings me to my next one...you could cycle in more of what you like to eat at mealtime. I don't know about you, but I'm not a big dinner eater, so I often default to things my husband likes to eat, since lately I either can't eat at all or am just not going to eat much of it anyway. However, when I'm feeling okay or else needing a little pick me up, I make a point of making a dinner *I* like and he can just deal with fish, or salad or you know....not cow, lol.

Reach out to people and find things to do with them. Are people at work hitting happy hour? Is there a friend you haven't connected with in a while? Were you talking about some movie with someone you know? Especially if they aren't necessarily connected to TBIs, BPD, or other "issues", aim for fun, here--not therapy. Unless it's therapeutic fun, of course! Make plans to meet them for lunch or brunch or that movie.

Mani/pedi. A lovely quick pampering pick me up! Generally pretty inexpensive too, and you don't have to schedule them.

Make a "woman cave" and carve out a room or a corner somewhere that you can either do things you like to do (read? craft?) or keep your favorite couch pillow, throw etc. and watch your shows and institute similar "do not disturb" policies for that space that he has.

Most of all remember that the greater point of detaching is NOT what you can "make" him do. That's still trying to fix him/his behavior. The point of detaching is to create some space to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority for at least a little while in the midst of all the responsibility and obligations you have going right now. So my fundamental advice is to just...do what you like to do and not worry about whether he's guessing or not.

Generally, my catch phrase is, "well you know, it's really all about ME" but I think you should borrow it for a while.

Go ahead, try it out, I think you'll like it after you break it in a bit...like a nice pair of leather shoes (oooohhh.... shopping!!! That's always fun too!!!!) :rofl:
 
#16 ·
Thanks - I've already done some of this, just didn't post it.

- Have reconnected with a former best girl friend. In fact I stayed up late Saturday night and talked with her 3 hours, hubby came out of the bedroom twice to ask me if I was still talking to *****. HA
- I do get a mani/pedi once a month, but had pushed that to the side but have an appointment tomorrow.
- I tried the dinner thing already. Our anniversary was Wed and I asked hubby if he wanted to go out and eat, he said he wasn't hungry, so on my way home I picked me up a HB. When I got home he wanted to know what was for dinner and I said, "well you said you weren't hungry so I already ate on the way home" - it was priceless, he was like huh, well I guess I'm not hungry...:p
- I already have a woman cave, I just didn't use it much as I got lonely, I'm spending more time there now (family room) - only I use it.

I know I'm not supposed to be making him make changes, but detaching is supposed to help "him" come to me more than me to him.

Thanks again!
 
#11 ·
I don't know what your work schedules are like...
But one very subtle thing I noticed kinda "shook things up" in the rebalancing i'm trying to do, is:
Get home after he's already home if you can.
I know I like giving my H the chance to sit there and wait and wonder what time I'll be home, when it's been so much of the opposite.
It's subtle...but it's nice to come breezing in the door all busy and cheerful, and see him already home.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#19 ·
Hubby doesn't and can't work, so I'm always home after him.

But, I used to RUSH right home, now I'm taking my time a little. So I get home a little later, he only mentioned something once - you're home late and I just said yes, no further discussion.

Thanks for the advice!
 
#12 ·
If you are detaching and learning how not to be co-dependent, what exactly are you suppose to expect from your husband? Nothing?

I get the space thing but how does a partner communicate their needs to one another and try to meet them when both partners retreat? (detach)

Are you suppose to wait until they want to show you love, attention or any value? Don't you feel this is controlling?

For instance...a baby cries does a parent "detach" and let them continue to cry and ignore them until they feel like taking care of the baby?

No, we are not babies but the point is why is it so hard for some spouses to give love without "conditions" in how and when they are going to do it?

Sorry...just venting but this thread struck a nerve.
 
#14 ·
I think it's all a matter of degree. I think that on one end you have "bumps in the road" where one person might feel they're giving more than the other for a period of time and of course starts to resent that. I think when that happens, these kinds of strategies are probably extreme.

However, I think that the detachment that is being discussed here is in response to something very different. In this particular case, my opinion is that the best scenario is that it's a case where the level of caretaking that has been needed for the last several years has eclipsed any sort of intimate, marital relationship and replaced the role of "wife" with "nurse, housekeeper, chauffeur and target-of-all-frustration." Detachment almost *has* to happen to shake things up and restructure those roles and to let MWIL take care of herself in order to keep functioning as the primary caretaker.

More broadly though, I'd say generally that detachment is what has to happen in relationships where one person has tried everything they can, done everything for them, given them everything they have and still their partner disrespects them, abuses them, refuses to acknowledge, budge or change anything about themselves or the situation. For example, continuing affairs or continuing to hide things from their spouse comes to mind. THEN it's not a condition of love to create some distance, it's vital to have some clarity to decide what you want to live with. It's not just a reaction to being pissed off....
 
#13 ·
He hasn't yet begun pursuing me - physically, emotionally or sexually yet, but I'm being patient.
I think what you are doing is great! its a huge step in the right direction. Its amazing how quickly they change when us over-bearing women back off. But as far as the 'being patient for him to pursue you', you'll want to drop that ideation because it borders on manipulation. In order to become healthy you have to turn your perspective around and want what is best for him. Is pursuing you best for him? only he knows that. Your motives should be to influence you and you alone. Do what makes you happy and not what you think will control him.
 
#23 ·
Update. Well, almost 2 weeks since I started detaching and it is going well.

I'm no longer concerned about what he may/may not be doing. Not snooping, not calling while I'm at work - letting him be the big boy he is.

He has noticed a change and asked me this weekend what was wrong with me as I was acting different. Told him, nothing - I'm okay - he looked at me like no, you're not, but didn't push the issue.

I decided to go into town yesterday and lo and behold he asked to go with me and we went together, that's a change.

Detaching is making me feel better and I am noticing the added bonus of him actually paying more attention to me, etc., in fact - he even initiated some intimacy this weekend and included me (read my other posts, you'll understand this) - first time he's done that in a long time.

So, we'll see...but it is going well thus far and the longer I do it the more comfortable and natural it feels. I'm also noticing more of the true dynamic of what's going on in our relationship. Things are pretty much the same as I thought they were prior to detaching, but they are more clear and I'm standing up for myself and not taking any crap and being more open, honest and MY authentic self, not what he wants to see/hear.
 
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