As most of you are aware, I've gone through some difficult times in my marriage since the aftermath of my husband's brain injury in late-2008.
Last week, I finally got a clue, thanks to all the subtle (HA) hints from you guys here on TAM.
For exactly a week and a half I have been detaching from my husband and trying to break the bonds of co-dependence, not only for myself, but for him and our relationship.
The situation doesn't call for a 180, but detaching so that I am not so emotionally involved, therefore, I can look at our issues rationally and "from a distance" if you will.
What I have been doing is:
- Not saying I love you all the time. Interestingly enough, if I don't say it and he doesn't either, then I don't feel the let down I used to when I said it and he didn't mirror.
- Doing some things I like to do. Such as stay up and watch my favorite TV show instead of going to bed with him and watching what he likes.
- Not calling him while I'm at work to check on him. He appears to be feeding himself and taking his meds without my reminders, so I'm treating him like the big boy he is.
- Not in his man cave every night and weekend - hard for me as I want to spend time with him, but I'm pulling myself away and spending time in the family room or bedroom.
- I quit checking his internet history, etc. Is he still probably cruising porn - sure, but I've decided it isn't my problem anymore, he will pursue me and realize that the real thing is much more exciting by the time I'm done with him.
- This past weekend he didn't want to go anywhere, so I went into town without him and spent 5 hours out and didn't tell him what I did and where I went.
I've noticed some "subtle" changes in his behavior - nothing really major (he has yet to begin to pursue me), but subtle. His attitude is more friendly, he is initiating conversations with me instead of me initiating them. And at least 4 or 5 times he has asked me "what are you doing?" when I was not with him and in another room of the house. And, he has been initiating calls while I'm at work. He has also been "patting" me in bed, which is his way of saying I love you.
He hasn't yet begun pursuing me - physically, emotionally or sexually yet, but I'm being patient.
Takes 28 days to make/break a habit and I assume it will take 28 days to push him into reforming new habits with me.
I'm in need of additional suggestions to shake things up, keep him on his toes and this has another advantage, it's cognitive therapy for his brain!
I'm open for anything - let me have it...
Last week, I finally got a clue, thanks to all the subtle (HA) hints from you guys here on TAM.
For exactly a week and a half I have been detaching from my husband and trying to break the bonds of co-dependence, not only for myself, but for him and our relationship.
The situation doesn't call for a 180, but detaching so that I am not so emotionally involved, therefore, I can look at our issues rationally and "from a distance" if you will.
What I have been doing is:
- Not saying I love you all the time. Interestingly enough, if I don't say it and he doesn't either, then I don't feel the let down I used to when I said it and he didn't mirror.
- Doing some things I like to do. Such as stay up and watch my favorite TV show instead of going to bed with him and watching what he likes.
- Not calling him while I'm at work to check on him. He appears to be feeding himself and taking his meds without my reminders, so I'm treating him like the big boy he is.
- Not in his man cave every night and weekend - hard for me as I want to spend time with him, but I'm pulling myself away and spending time in the family room or bedroom.
- I quit checking his internet history, etc. Is he still probably cruising porn - sure, but I've decided it isn't my problem anymore, he will pursue me and realize that the real thing is much more exciting by the time I'm done with him.
- This past weekend he didn't want to go anywhere, so I went into town without him and spent 5 hours out and didn't tell him what I did and where I went.
I've noticed some "subtle" changes in his behavior - nothing really major (he has yet to begin to pursue me), but subtle. His attitude is more friendly, he is initiating conversations with me instead of me initiating them. And at least 4 or 5 times he has asked me "what are you doing?" when I was not with him and in another room of the house. And, he has been initiating calls while I'm at work. He has also been "patting" me in bed, which is his way of saying I love you.
He hasn't yet begun pursuing me - physically, emotionally or sexually yet, but I'm being patient.
Takes 28 days to make/break a habit and I assume it will take 28 days to push him into reforming new habits with me.
I'm in need of additional suggestions to shake things up, keep him on his toes and this has another advantage, it's cognitive therapy for his brain!
I'm open for anything - let me have it...