General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am posting here because I need to gain some outside perspective on a situation I am facing.
Today my husband told me that a friend of our's just got weight loss surgery and then he said he thinks I should do it too. I am chubby and have always been. Currently 5ft1 and 210lbs. This makes me about 78lbs overweight. My response is that I am otherwise healthy, I walk the neighborhood to get exercise, and do not want to undergo surgery that could be risky and jeopardize my otherwise good health. Also, my insurance will not cover it and it would cost us around $9000 out of pocket, which we do not have. I tell him this, and his response is that walking is not going to cut it in weight loss and that when I go to the gym, I half-a** it for an hour and then leave. (Please note that we have only gone to the gym together once and he was the one who wanted to leave after an hour. When I workout, I do so alone or with girlfriends because he will refuse to go with me. Why he refuses I have no idea.)
I feel that whatever I do to be a good wife, a good person, it will never satisfy him because I am overweight. He brings my weight up quite frequently and says I always shoot down his suggestions or take offense. I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself. Why is this such a hang-up between us? Should I just get the surgery to shut him up? What kind of person would that make me? Is there any future in this marriage if we cannot love each other wholly, flaws and all?
Medical terms are best for this discussion. At current weight your BMI is 40, which means you are in medical terms "severely obese".
This puts you at a super high health risk. Financially you will spend way, way more in medical costs than 9K in the long run if you don't lose this weight.
There are a lot of physiological reasons why it is exceptionally hard to lose and then "keep" the weight off once you get to such a high BMI. From what I have read - lap-band works.
As for your guy - no comment. This should be straight up about you. A surgeon will tell you all the reasons you "should" do this - but he has a financial incentive. What does your general practitioner say?
Quote:
Originally Posted by quirky_girl
I am posting here because I need to gain some outside perspective on a situation I am facing.
Today my husband told me that a friend of our's just got weight loss surgery and then he said he thinks I should do it too. I am chubby and have always been. Currently 5ft1 and 210lbs. This makes me about 78lbs overweight. My response is that I am otherwise healthy, I walk the neighborhood to get exercise, and do not want to undergo surgery that could be risky and jeopardize my otherwise good health. Also, my insurance will not cover it and it would cost us around $9000 out of pocket, which we do not have. I tell him this, and his response is that walking is not going to cut it in weight loss and that when I go to the gym, I half-a** it for an hour and then leave. (Please note that we have only gone to the gym together once and he was the one who wanted to leave after an hour. When I workout, I do so alone or with girlfriends because he will refuse to go with me. Why he refuses I have no idea.)
I feel that whatever I do to be a good wife, a good person, it will never satisfy him because I am overweight. He brings my weight up quite frequently and says I always shoot down his suggestions or take offense. I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself. Why is this such a hang-up between us? Should I just get the surgery to shut him up? What kind of person would that make me? Is there any future in this marriage if we cannot love each other wholly, flaws and all?
Your husband is not being very supportive of you, and that's not cool.
But it would be a good idea for you to lose some weight, and you absolutely can without surgery.
It'll just take some time and effort and commitment, but it is possible.
If you put yourself and your health first, get into a regular routine of exercise and good eating, make the health changes for yourself, your husband may take notice.
But his put-downs aren't going to encourage you.
Forget surgery. Just give yourself a pep talk, make the commitment to your health, and start a routine. Once you start, it'll be easier to keep going. Posted via Mobile Device
I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself. Why is this such a hang-up between us? Should I just get the surgery to shut him up? What kind of person would that make me? Is there any future in this marriage if we cannot love each other wholly, flaws and all?
Well, you aren't gonna like me very much right now, but I am gonna go ahead and say it. Appearance does matter. Being able to look sexy does matter. Sexual attraction is a huge part of a marriage. ( Not just for you, but both of you). If he is telling you that he no longer finds you sexually attractive, I don't see that as frivolous or superficial. I see it as an honest concern. My H puts on weight from time to time and even though I still love him, I am less attracted to him. He knows that. And he freely tells me if he thinks I have put on a few pounds.
Should you get a surgery just for him? H*ll no. Should you consider seeing a nutritionist/dietician and a trainer to get your weight loss jump started? Yep. If you want him to find you sexually arousing, yeah. You say he isn't skinny either, speak up! Tell him what you want for him to be attractive to you! You are married, you should be able to tell each other these things!
Granted though, no he wasn't very polite about it at all. His route was a little harsh, but if he has been "gently" saying things for a while I guess I can kinda see it. Is that the case?
I'm going to be blunt because I've been where you're at. Two years ago I was 230 pounds and 5'6". Today I pretty much maintain 155 when I'm healthy.
I'll agree that your husband's approach/tactics to 'inspire' you are cruel and suck. And of course something like surgery is a very big, personal decision, so it's hard to speak to that. But having been fat (yes, fat--I started changing my ways because I was simply I couldn't face being a size 20, wasn't going to happen) and having been if not thin, then 40's curvy at least, I can tell you this:
Hate being judged "frivolously" on your appearance all you want, but it's the first impression on people and a bad one sticks.
Your otherwise good health--maybe you're lucky, I am. I have generally low blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. so my obesity was only really ever really reflected in my liver panel. Oh wait...I really need my liver, there's just the one. It catches up to you somewhere, trust me.
On top of being treated better *everywhere* and being measurably healthier: I get a complete blood workup every 6 months so I can see what those changes are...I just feel better about myself.
Screw what your husband says, but do think seriously about taking care of yourself. Frankly, I'd lose weight just to spite him and then tell him about every guy who opened a door for me every day after that, lol. Of course I work on a health sciences campus, so about 75% of everyone is male, tilts those odds a bit, but still...I'm onery like that Posted via Mobile Device
Besides the health risk, you risk losing your husband to some one he finds more sexually attractive. He loves you enough to tell you that he is not happy with your appearance. He wants to find you attractive because he does not want to lose interest in staying married with the woman he loves. He may be too blunt and insensitive but he is giving you fair chance to maintain his attraction to you. You are deluding yourself if you think this is not a big problem.
He is not being a jerk really, he is showing his commitment to you and that is a good thing. Unfortunately looks do matter in a relationship and it's not shallow to want your spouse to look their best and be healthy. Don't do it for him, do it for you. At your height and wieght I think you are not mearly chubby and you can not possibly be healthy. Do you have a high cholesterol, high blood pressure, pre diabetes, shortness of breath, lack of stamina? You may be minimizing a serious problem of obesity. If you get back down to you fighting weight you will feel so much better and your self confident will shoot up.
Thank your husband for caring for you enough to be willing to lay out big bucks to get a wife who is healthy and attractive. don't take his request negatively and be resistant just show him looks don't matter. Health and looks are important for a feeling of well being. Besides why not make the man you love happy, he is committed to you and loves you, you'd have to be a dolt to turn that away don't you think!! . Posted via Mobile Device
First of all, he's dead wrong that you can't lose weight by walking. I lost 132lbs. by walking (of course I changed my eating habits as well). Walking was the only exercise option for me.
Your weight may not be causing you any issues now, but there will come a time that it does. It sucks to have to lose weight, b/c there is no easy way to do it. It's simple math. Take in fewer calories than you burn. Exercise is good for your overall physical and emotional health. NOTHING got in the way of my walking. It was my therapy. I walked in rain, snow, you name it. I hated the wind worse than anything, though.
I would really check into all of the pros and cons for weight loss surgery, however. Some people do better than others, of course.
I would give my all to doing it the old-fashioned way first, though. And I mean REALLY get into it...go to the gym whether he goes or not. Have him watch the kids (if you have any) and go for a 30 minute walk. I took sundays and wednesdays off from the walking. It took me a year to lose the weight. I figured it would take me a year to fully recover from the surgery. I'd rather walk, lol.
I would tell my husband that he'd better hope he didn't start going bald, or they'd be ripping pieces of his scalp out and transplanting it to other parts of his head!
I don't understand.
I smoke - people go "OMG she smokes! How could she?!"
I don't take a daily shower - people go "OMG she doesn't shower daily! How could she?!"
I am 78lb overweight - people go "Don't judge appearance. She is just chubby."
Well HELLOOO!! YES! Have that surgery! Do whatever you can to lose that weight!!!
I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself.
Agree with everyone above saying that the weight isn't superifical.
Should you manage to lose the weight you will find an enormous change in male attention to you and it's likely that a better man than your husband would make himself willing to be a major part of your life.
It's a double edged sword for your husband should you lose the weight.
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with everything said EXCEPT the recommendatoin to have surgery.
Don't go under the knife unless it is an absolute LAST resort after really making a concerted effort to do what major misfit did. She's right, you can lose it just by walking, but it has to be in conjunction with taking in fewer calories, and you'll have added benefit if you weight train along with it.
It is the BEST thing to do. For YOU. And your husband WILL take notice.
If you get started with it in a really intentional way---don't announce it to him....just start doing it, make it a priority, and if he says anything that puts you down or discourages you, come HERE before you get upset, re-read this thread, and keep working, girl!
You're not going to lose the weight until you want to do it. The way he talks to you is certainly not going to do anything but harm your relationship. Are you ready to lose weight?
If so, start off slow. If you drink sodas, give that up. Once that becomes easy, move on to something else. Switch to whole wheat instead of white flower. Give yourself time to get used to it before changing another dietary habit. You DO NOT need to lose a certain amount of weight at any given time. Learn healthier habits and it will start to come off. Give yourself time and do it for you.
My beautiful wife had the surgery almost 4 years ago, it costs us about $17,000 that we did not have and it has caused some great financial troubles but I agreed to it because she has always been self-conscious and I thought that this would help. 4 years later she has lost some weight but not near what she wanted and certainly not $17,000 worth. I love my wife just the way she is and loved her just as much before the surgery.
If you have the surgery, be prepared. This is not a concept of surgery one day and weight loss the next. The first few months were difficult and involved a good bit of vomiting. Also, she had the lap-band surgery and this requires continual Dr. visits for band adjustments, then with body changes the band gets too tight, too loose and you re-adjust and the adjustments are not a perfect science either, the Dr can get it too tight and then vomiting.
With all that said, If you wanna do it...Do it...but do it for you, and remember thisis not some "Quick fix", "The latest great thing", or some overnight "cure"
quirky surgery is extremely serious and it sounds like you are only thinking about it because h wants you to. That is absolutely no reason to put your life in possible danger. Like everyone else has said if your DOCTOR and YOU both think that for your health you should have the surgery then fine...but not even for your husband should you sacrafice yourself to just make him "happy". Yes marriage is union full of compromises and sacrafices, however, I'm not sure physical attributes should be one of them. If you were the weight you are now or even 10 to 20 lbs more, it shouldn't matter. I don't understand how the man you married for better or worse or richer or poorer could be focused on the weight to be sexual attracted to you? It seems that society has engraved in some men's head that no matter what THEY look like (bald, fat, short) they can only be attracted to the model woman!!! I would really love to hear from a man who TRULY married for the person his wife was not what she looked like!!! I'm sure that there has to be someone out there who gets turned on by who his wife is and not what she looks like!
It is truly sad that your husband can't be happy (and turned on) by the woman that he married. I have to agree with you it is superficial on his part. The only thing that matters is that you are healthy and that you take care of yourself. And the only reason you should try to loose weight is to make YOURSELF happy and to be healthy. It may seem selfish for me to say that, but he has no right to make you feel bad about yourself and to hurt you the way that he has. I'm sure he's not perfect nor is trying to become perfect for you.
Weight Loss Surgery & Husband 
