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Old 01-31-2011, 12:34 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Peace - so sorry that this is happening to you. She's being selfish. Did she always act this way?

Maybe it's a mid-life crisis type of thing. Did she hit a big milestone birthday? Did she lose a loved-one close to her? How was your relationship before she started drifting away?

I know you can't help her through her issues, she has to do that alone. But knowing where the root of them originated could be beneficial.

Her selfishness may have nothing at all to do with you or your daughter. She may need some time to realize that the grass is not always greener and she has a great family at home.

Best of luck.
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:53 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

turnure is right on, you need to tell exactly that.

I'm in the tough love group, so be firm and most likely she will call you pluff, so be prepared to pack her things.

When I started packing my W things I used the suitcase and some trash bags, once they are sitting on the floor let her know that you will be right back and go down to a market and get some boxes. Take your time and let her stew over the site of all her stuff on the floor. In my case when I returned with the boxes she was on the phone canceling her date. I continued to back until she called her friend again and explained the sitch in detail explain that she needed to work on her marraige.

Be warned there is a very good chance that she will be gone and the the suitcase and trash bags will be gone. This will at least give some peace as you pack up the rest of her things and take them to her friends house. At this point you will need to bring a witness, just incase.

One way or another you need to make a strong point on what you will and will not tolorate living in the maritial home while she leaves with that "friend".

You have several option if her belonging can't go over to her friends, there are her parents, storage, or even your garage.

Distance your self and no matter how much you want to call or pick up her call refrain from that. The point is making her believe that you are confident in moving on with out her, you are gaining your self respect back from 2 months of direspect, and you are stronger then ever before, believing that she has made the choice to leave and except that.

As much as you want to beg, cry, and plead do not. Its not attractive to chicks. Stay away from her as much as you..giving her the taste of what thing to come will be like.

I can only hope she see the seriousness in your actions and desides to end all contact with this vampire who is sucking up your marraige and hurting a family before she picks up those bags and walk out for ... what she thinks is the weekend, and what you know as the rest of her life.

Be strong this may last awhile it may end in that moment. take the gamble you are losing already, pushing her along will only make her realize the consequences for her behavior sooner.

This is just my $0.02 but the bottom line is stopping all contact with that vampire of a friend.

Heres one more thing-go with her.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:39 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Thank you so much for the advice so far. Her friend is not giving her good advice at all because if my own wife delays to get home to be in the phone with her is because she is not a good influence. When any of my friends call me I have nothing to hide from her plain and simple. Her friend would not even come to our house because my wife knows that I know about all her dirty laundry. She has put this marriage at risk and I am going to do what I have read in this thread. I am hurting everyday about this situtation because it will come to and end due to her selfishness.
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Old 01-31-2011, 04:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Keep in mind you still have a few days to take a more gentler approach. What ever you do do not play the "packing" card until the last minute. The reason I say this is you want the biggest impact you can get.

I forgot did you aready let her know that you over heard her plans for this weekend?

Stay calm and just act indiferent, do some dejunking around the house, maybe even the master closet.

Call up the bank & credit cards and be prepared to canel if this thing heads south. you may want to freeze them until you get closer to Friday. Just tell her there was some fruad and things will be froozen until next week. It may be a good idea to take her car in for some work on Friday.

All this is so controling, stay with the plan and work the plan. Set your boundries and let her deside if she wants to break up the family.

I get a little crazy sometimes, tring to controll her by messing with her car is silly, but please protect your self financialy, now!
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Old 01-31-2011, 05:13 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

What she is doing putting this adult woman ahead of her husband and a child that depends on her. The woman is probably envious of your wife's relationship and wants to manipulate your wife to be as miserable as she is.

Your fight is not with your wife but with this woman. The woman must be neutralized in your wife's mind. Please forgive me for asking but, is this woman bi and is it possible that she could be seducing your wife? Even if this is not the case, it is almost like your wife is having an affair and maybe you should follow the guidelines to handle affairs.

I would also become more cold and distant with her. Stop all show of solicitude she does not deserve you devotion right now and she has got to feel what it will be like without your support. Don't resist her having this girl for a friend but all her on shirking her responsibilities.

Start going out yourself buy new clothes exercise. Do anything you can to disengage and change your appearance and attitude. treat her in an offhand way. I don't know if this is right but I have a feeling if she thought you were in search of more compatible company, she may come to her senses. Maybe others will weigh in on this strategy.

There must be a strategy to make her see how foolish she is to be manipulated away from her own husband and child!! Do you think appealing to her common sense in a non-confrotational way or appealing to her sense of duty to her child and her vow to love her husband or to her basic intelligence for detecting that she is destroying her family over this toxic woman.
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Old 01-31-2011, 06:16 PM   #21 (permalink)
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What she is doing putting this adult woman ahead of her husband and a child that depends on her. The woman is probably envious of your wife's relationship and wants to manipulate your wife to be as miserable as she is.
Yes! This friend is envious of her without a doubt. I told her that ten years ago when I met her for the first time. You can spot a miserable person the minute they open their mouth and the way they look at you. She is envious because of many reasons, the first is that we are great family with no drama. She has only heard and seen how great we get alone compared to her marriage. She is proud to have this control over my wife. I know she has control because I could never say anything about her. Misery loves Company and my wife has taken a bight out of that already. I will hold my grounds and write everything I need to practice my speech. God bless me and my daughter.
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Old 01-31-2011, 06:55 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Yes! This friend is envious of her without a doubt. I told her that ten years ago when I met her for the first time. You can spot a miserable person the minute they open their mouth and the way they look at you. She is envious because of many reasons, the first is that we are great family with no drama. She has only heard and seen how great we get alone compared to her marriage. She is proud to have this control over my wife. I know she has control because I could never say anything about her. Misery loves Company and my wife has taken a bight out of that already. I will hold my grounds and write everything I need to practice my speech. God bless me and my daughter.
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Peace I feel your pain! Real good men are hard to find. Men who take action for their family at whatever cost. From what I have gathered you are stuck with what to say to not antagonize her in any way. That is great because you do not need to tell her that she has done this and has done that. That will only put more fuel in her fire, you need to firm and tell her like it is. When this takes place be calm and let her know in WE terms. Show her that you are for real, be assertive at all times and do not let her disrespect you. If she gets loud tell her that the only way you can talk to her is as an adult conversation. Be strong my friend true men are hare hard to find. She will run into a brick wall when she realizes that you are not around anymore when your daughter ask about you all the time. Believe in Karma. God bless you
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:22 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

I like what Cats saying go out and make your self look better do it know before the week end. This will get her wondering, what would you think if you came home and your spouse was cleaning out the closet, butting things in the garage, wearing nice cloths, new hair cut, some nice cologn, a big smile on there face and BAMB, Friday rolles around and there packing all your stuff up before you leave your family for the weekend.

The sooner you get her second quessing her discisions in that you won't be around any more and the possibility of her loosing the stability and security of what she has taken for granted for two months will blow her mind.
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:35 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Um... 4am and 6am twice?

You're 100% sure she isn't cheating on you on those nights?
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:52 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Of course she was cheating, cheating him out of a healthy marriage, who cares if it was some guy or a vampire of a friend, he needs to set his boundries by putting up the wall that will prevent him from continuously getting hurt and stop any additional pain that this sitch. will cause.

Cheating is relative, be it with a roll in the hay, online,hobbies,gambling,friends, he is being cheated out of a healthy marraige and in order to repair this marraige that one negitive influence must be removed so the repairs can take hold.
For many just getting to the point of knowing there is a problem is most of the battle.

I would think that if my spouse packed up all my stuff and wanted me to leave.... well they may think I have a problem, but hopefully she sees that it is her that is making the bad discisions.

Thats the hard part, most think they aren't doing nothing wrong until they are alone living out of a dispair. Wondering were their life went and why they have collected so many dogs.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:49 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Of course she was cheating, cheating him out of a healthy marriage, who cares if it was some guy or a vampire of a friend, he needs to set his boundries by putting up the wall that will prevent him from continuously getting hurt and stop any additional pain that this sitch. will cause.

Cheating is relative, be it with a roll in the hay, online,hobbies,gambling,friends, he is being cheated out of a healthy marraige and in order to repair this marraige that one negitive influence must be removed so the repairs can take hold.
For many just getting to the point of knowing there is a problem is most of the battle.

I would think that if my spouse packed up all my stuff and wanted me to leave.... well they may think I have a problem, but hopefully she sees that it is her that is making the bad discisions.

Thats the hard part, most think they aren't doing nothing wrong until they are alone living out of a dispair. Wondering were their life went and why they have collected so many dogs.
Exactly she has cheated me from what I thought it was a great relationship. I dress good everyday, look good and smell good always have. I am in great shape and look and feel great. So with that said I am proud of myself, thank god for that. I have kept her intrigued with a few things because I get home half an hour later than the norm just because. I changed my gym hours to the evenings that has her on pins and needles because the gym is coed and more people are there in the evenings. I just can't get over how selfish a person could be knowing that the outcome will not be good in the end.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:50 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

You teach people how to treat you.

If you accept her bad behavior, she will continue it.

If you're not ready to kick her out today, there is another route you can take that may or may not work. It's called Plan A at marriagebuilders, I don't know what affaircare calls it at her website, but it basically means you learn how you Love Bust her (how you make her unhappy), and you STOP those bad behaviors. It's hard work to change those habits, but it's worth doing (for yourself as well as her). At MB, you can print out the LB questionnaires, and both of you can fill them out.

Once you've done that for a month at least (it takes that long to change a habit), then get the Emotional Needs questionnaire, and you both fill one out. It will tell you what her most important ENs are. YOU need to be the ONE person filling those needs. Right now, her GIRLFRIEND is meeting at least one, if not more, of those ENs. You need to show your wife that YOU can do it better. That she can be happier with YOU.

Are you willing to do that? It's hard work, but worth it. You should be doing it anyway, to be the best husband you can be.
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Old 02-01-2011, 03:27 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Nothing. You can't negotiate your way out of this.
In advance you tell her that going out and having this friend must end or you will be throwing her out, filing for divorce, ending our marriage or whatever words you want to use. Then, follow through with it such as by changing the locks, withdrawing financial support, or speaking to an attorney.

Basically, let her know there will be a consequence, let her make the choice, and then make the consequence reality if she makes the choice you do not want her to make.

please forgive me if this was already said,i didnt get a chance to read all replies as i dont have much time right now,but i agree with Hicks in a way.
but i would say something such as
"you know how i feel about your friend and why,im having trust issues due to your lies and hiding tghings from me and staying out to 4 in the morning is disrepectful to me and our marriage.
im asking you to limit your friendship with your friend and to stop going to bars/clubs as it leads to trouble and something married people should do together,not apart.
im unhappy the way things have been in our marriage the past couple months and im asking you to help me in fixing it and to stop the behavior that is hurting me.i been respectful and loving to you in our marriage and if you ask me to stop a behavior that was hurting,i would.
if you refuse to stop the behaviors that our hurting me and our marriage,i will take that as our marriage is not important to you and maybe we should seek a therpist or a separation were you would be the one staying somewere since you are the one not willing to work on us,as i refuse to be in a marriage were im being disrespected and were trust is an issue.

be firm and mean it if you say it though,be ready to follow through of letting her go.
give her a couple days to think about what you told her before the weekend comes,see what she does.

i wish you both the best
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:06 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Wives partying all night at meat markets is (unbelievably) a controvertial issue. Maybe not on a site like this where everyone automatically thinks there is infidelity going on. But in the outside world, you'd be considered controling and paranoid for you having a problem with your wife wanting a little fun out with her friend at night. You need proof that it is not innocent. A good PI may cost a few hundred dolars, but I GUARANTEE he will witness some pretty unacceptable behavior on her part. Probably VERY unaceptable behavior. It will be expensive, but it will be all written up in a nice report with details and pictures. Maybe names. You wil only need him for one night.

I can GUARANEE it. What could she be doing that's innocent until 4 AM? You need proof. Accusations without it will make you look pretty pathetic to most people. I've been there. I know.
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Old 02-01-2011, 05:36 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

MrK makes a great point and I'm a big believer in having evidence, it worked for me in confronting my W.

This weekend my a big oppertunity to gather the evidence and then give her the choice to stop hanging with that vampire or work on the marraige.

The PI has worked great for others, other options are voice activated recorders in her car, or having a trusted friend or associate follow her.

Again MrK is so correct, if she does leave she WILL make you look like the bad guy.
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