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Old 02-01-2011, 08:08 PM   #31 (permalink)
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MrK makes a great point and I'm a big believer in having evidence, it worked for me in confronting my W.

This weekend my a big oppertunity to gather the evidence and then give her the choice to stop hanging with that vampire or work on the marraige.

The PI has worked great for others, other options are voice activated recorders in her car, or having a trusted friend or associate follow her.

Again MrK is so correct, if she does leave she WILL make you look like the bad guy.
I have read all these post and have gathered a world of information. I have been assertive and patient because I do not want to the bad guy. However, I will let her know in a very calm manner how it will be or else. I am ready but yet nervous at the same time. I want to also make sure that my daughter is not around to hear anything. My daughter comes first and in the future if divorce were the case she will find out who checked out in this marriage.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:41 PM   #32 (permalink)
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I have read all these post and have gathered a world of information. I have been assertive and patient because I do not want to the bad guy. However, I will let her know in a very calm manner how it will be or else. I am ready but yet nervous at the same time. I want to also make sure that my daughter is not around to hear anything. My daughter comes first and in the future if divorce were the case she will find out who checked out in this marriage.
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The more you assert yourself the lower your nervousness will be. She is going to push back big time but keep a firm stance don't back down because that is what she expects of you. She try all the tricks to intimidate you to make you back down.

You don't want to seem like the bad!!! Someone has to be bad to get this woman your wife in line. Every one is different but I am very opinionated and I learn from debating and sometimes being provocative and defiant. My husband does not let me get away with my shenanigans. You know how that makes me feel - safe - safe because there is a strong sensible man at the helm of the family ship.

I could handle my kids on my own but it would be very bad for them and me. I need his boundaries and him. I tell you this because no matter how strong a personality a woman has she wants to know that her man will not let her get away with walking all over him.

The stronger the personality the more the woman wants to be rained in. We may complain but most woman like the self assured man. It's a gross generalization but the dynamic is their in one form or another.

When you get nervous push it away you know that you are right, kick some butt, be badder than she is, that will impress her and get you the respect that you are due. It will take time persistence and consistency. Especially when she resist the strongest, she will probably object strenuously.

Read some of the post for inspiration and know in your heat that she is wrong and needs you to get control. Now, get ta' whippen' peace.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:31 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

CAt- that is some awsome perspective you shared, and I thank you.

The point I wanted to focus on was the sh*t will hit the fan, most likly on Fri. when or if she tells you she leaving for the week end. Make sure you don't get sucked in to the "rewriting history" thing. Stay on point, she will want to say how bad things are or how unhappy she has been for a long time. She will then go to the "blame game" were it all your fault she is behaving that way. Do not fall for it. the line in the sand is going to be drawn and no matter what other BS she throws out there the simple and only issue at that specific poit is her discision to stay or leave.

I read some were that its bad to tell what her consequences will be, but I still like the idea of packing her stuff up infront of her
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:06 PM   #34 (permalink)
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The more you assert yourself the lower your nervousness will be. She is going to push back big time but keep a firm stance don't back down because that is what she expects of you. She try all the tricks to intimidate you to make you back down.

You don't want to seem like the bad!!! Someone has to be bad to get this woman your wife in line. Every one is different but I am very opinionated and I learn from debating and sometimes being provocative and defiant. My husband does not let me get away with my shenanigans. You know how that makes me feel - safe - safe because there is a strong sensible man at the helm of the family ship.

I could handle my kids on my own but it would be very bad for them and me. I need his boundaries and him. I tell you this because no matter how strong a personality a woman has she wants to know that her man will not let her get away with walking all over him.

The stronger the personality the more the woman wants to be rained in. We may complain but most woman like the self assured man. It's a gross generalization but the dynamic is their in one form or another.

When you get nervous push it away you know that you are right, kick some butt, be badder than she is, that will impress her and get you the respect that you are due. It will take time persistence and consistency. Especially when she resist the strongest, she will probably object strenuously.

Read some of the post for inspiration and know in your heat that she is wrong and needs you to get control. Now, get ta' whippen' peace.
Cat, you made some great points there and I thank you for that. I have always been a leader in whatever I do, she knows that and I have always been straight forward with her. She will see the strong man that she married. I will not bring up the past for any reason, she has nothing in her side to make me the bad guy. Even though I know she will through it out there for her sake. I will be strong and firm and cool, if she tries to provoke me I will let her know that this is and will be an adult conversation and to respect me. She will the dark side in me, I just need to get my words out dead on track to make her see how things will be moving forward. Thank god for my Black Berry, I don't have to use our home computer to get on here. Again Cat thank you very much sweetie!
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:09 PM   #35 (permalink)
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CAt- that is some awsome perspective you shared, and I thank you.

The point I wanted to focus on was the sh*t will hit the fan, most likly on Fri. when or if she tells you she leaving for the week end. Make sure you don't get sucked in to the "rewriting history" thing. Stay on point, she will want to say how bad things are or how unhappy she has been for a long time. She will then go to the "blame game" were it all your fault she is behaving that way. Do not fall for it. the line in the sand is going to be drawn and no matter what other BS she throws out there the simple and only issue at that specific poit is her discision to stay or leave.

I read some were that its bad to tell what her consequences will be, but I still like the idea of packing her stuff up infront of her
Guy, depending how it goes I will tell her that I will help her pack her bags.

BTW, I am 40 and she is 35
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:15 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Guy, depending how it goes I will tell her that I will help her pack her bags.

BTW, I am 40 and she is 35
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Peace she is no teenager by any stretch. She needs to grow up and smell the coffee. I'm with Cat on her post, dead on. We need to get you a good starting point, when the moment comes up. You need to be ready with that first fresh start to get your point across. I don't have one right now, but I know many here do! Let's see what will be the best starting point for you to get you motivated to say the right things. Good luck bro! And yes it is great to have the ability to write via mobile.
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:02 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Yes! I need a good starting point for sure, something that can get me started in the right direction. She might feel guilty about the end of the marriage and is acting childishly and selfishly hoping to make me so upset that I will seek the divorce first.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:54 PM   #38 (permalink)
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I think the best starting point with reqards to confronting her about this weekend is starting off with letting her know that you love her, even saying it again. Then bring up the marriage and how important it is, and repeating the fact that it is important to the whole family. Then you can say something down the lines of "you do not want to control her so it is her discision to do what she thinks is best with regard to your love, the marriage, and the family".

Let her respond and she will just go and blah blah blah, it realy won't matter what she says then this would be the time to explain your boundries and what you will not tolorate. As she responds, and let her finish, you can repeat the whole thing over again.

I suggest writing it down... not really worring about what her replies are, just the words that you want to say ....and that may need to be repeated. You seem like the kind of guy that can handle him self, it just that emotion can get the best of us.

I hope she makes the right discision, but there is no guarantee, and before this confrontation. Hopefully you have come to terms with the out come if she decides baddly.

I also suggest you stay away from any threat that you may want to throw at her. If any thing give her a hug and let her know that you will miss her. Most likely she will think its just for the weekend, little does she know it will be the rest of her life.

I guess she will soon figure it out when you help her pack not only for the weekend but the rest of her life. She most likely will not want help b/c of the certain types of clothes she will be wearing, If you know what I mean.

I hope the statement is big enough and she makes the right choice.
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Old 02-02-2011, 02:01 PM   #39 (permalink)
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That's a great plan. Be calm, loving, but FIRM. Explain that she can do whatever she wants, but you hope she will choose the family. Because, if she doesn't, you will have to choose to no longer be married to her.
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Old 02-02-2011, 02:09 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I think the best starting point with reqards to confronting her about this weekend is starting off with letting her know that you love her, even saying it again. Then bring up the marriage and how important it is, and repeating the fact that it is important to the whole family. Then you can say something down the lines of "you do not want to control her so it is her discision to do what she thinks is best with regard to your love, the marriage, and the family".

Let her respond and she will just go and blah blah blah, it realy won't matter what she says then this would be the time to explain your boundries and what you will not tolorate. As she responds, and let her finish, you can repeat the whole thing over again.

I suggest writing it down... not really worring about what her replies are, just the words that you want to say ....and that may need to be repeated. You seem like the kind of guy that can handle him self, it just that emotion can get the best of us.

I hope she makes the right discision, but there is no guarantee, and before this confrontation. Hopefully you have come to terms with the out come if she decides baddly.

I also suggest you stay away from any threat that you may want to throw at her. If any thing give her a hug and let her know that you will miss her. Most likely she will think its just for the weekend, little does she know it will be the rest of her life.

I guess she will soon figure it out when you help her pack not only for the weekend but the rest of her life. She most likely will not want help b/c of the certain types of clothes she will be wearing, If you know what I mean.

I hope the statement is big enough and she makes the right choice.
Guy thank you so much for such great advice. Your thoughts are inspiring to say the least. Thank you!
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Old 02-02-2011, 02:11 PM   #41 (permalink)
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That's a great plan. Be calm, loving, but FIRM. Explain that she can do whatever she wants, but you hope she will choose the family. Because, if she doesn't, you will have to choose to no longer be married to her.
Turnera exactly ! I will write these down and practice.
Thank you so much!
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Old 02-02-2011, 03:53 PM   #42 (permalink)
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In our nine years of marriage we have never fought enough to lead to what could happen in one conversation. She hates confrentation and has never seen me confront her in the way that I will. By confronting her and telling her the things that have been said here by The Guy, Turnera and others. Will she be shocked or the least surprised! I hope she has decided to do the right thing and not continue the road of distruction. However, I am getting ready by just the advice given here. I can`t thank you all enough! Please keep it coming it is just fueling my ego.
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:35 PM   #43 (permalink)
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She will be shocked peace and her reaction will probably be "how dare he" since she has been getting away with it so long. As a feisty woman myself here is what I think.

She may take you up on your offer to leave as a face saving act. I doubt if she will accept your boundaries at first blush. The she will probably try to bargain or bluster her way back in, maybe she will use the entitlement argument she has a right to do bla bla.

She can certainly do as she pleases but not as long as she remains your wife. If she misses you and sees how life following this miserable woman like a loss cat will be, she may come to her senses. Depending upon the type of person she is, she may not come back to you.

If she does not come back it will not be because she does not love you but because she has too much pride. If she comes back do every thing you can so that she does not feel like she lost.

She actually won, she gets to live a good life with a man who loves her as apposed to an existence sharing the bitterness and anger of her friend. Let her be left to that as her future without you. She'll get the message.

If she stays with you be prepared for constant testing. It will require all of those leadership take charge skills you have developed in your work life. it will look
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:12 PM   #44 (permalink)
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She will be shocked peace and her reaction will probably be "how dare he" since she has been getting away with it so long. As a feisty woman myself here is what I think.

She may take you up on your offer to leave as a face saving act. I doubt if she will accept your boundaries at first blush. The she will probably try to bargain or bluster her way back in, maybe she will use the entitlement argument she has a right to do bla bla.

She can certainly do as she pleases but not as long as she remains your wife. If she misses you and sees how life following this miserable woman like a loss cat will be, she may come to her senses. Depending upon the type of person she is, she may not come back to you.

If she does not come back it will not be because she does not love you but because she has too much pride. If she comes back do every thing you can so that she does not feel like she lost.

She actually won, she gets to live a good life with a man who loves her as apposed to an existence sharing the bitterness and anger of her friend. Let her be left to that as her future without you. She'll get the message.

If she stays with you be prepared for constant testing. It will require all of those leadership take charge skills you have developed in your work life. it will look
Thank you Cat!
Well put, I read it over and over and I am taking notes.I would have in my wildest dreams think that I would be put in this drama. What a life test for sure at age 40.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:26 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Life test....interesting, I think I failed the TF (toxic friend) test 13 years ago (7 years married). See I just walked away, I let my W spiral downward by not standing up and say "no, I will not tolorate the behavior". In fact I did it with a smile on my face, knowing I would no longer need to give her attention.

In stead I left her to her own devises and just took what I wanted (sex) and left her fend for her self in a loveless marraige. This TF would watch my kid while she slept around, and when the TF moved away my W continued on what TF taught her or let her experience.
What I mean is once my W got used to cheating... when TF moved away it just became natural.

So thirteen years have gone by and I just dismissed my W and focused on my career. Well 20 men later I decided to make that change and focus on making my life better. So out of 19-1/2 years of marraige 13 of them were so unhealthy.

The odd thing is she didn't put up a fight, simular to what Cat is talking about, but I just think after such a long time with a unhealth marriage we both were wanting a change.

I think 13 years ago, if I made my stand, I have to agree with Cat... I would have had a much tougher fight. I think my point is.. don't be miserable for another 10 years. Take that stand that I didn't and now regret so much.

P,
Thanks for letting me vent and I think you will be all right even if she bails she will be back. Just dont let her back on Monday. Toxic friend are like bad fumes, they will soon drift away. Its the guy that she meets, there the one's that are hard to get rid of.
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