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Old 02-10-2011, 04:20 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

I think you need to ask her out for a date before someone else does.
I mean she has stayed home so I think its time to throw her a bone and hand a peace offering.
She may refuse she may not. Deffinetly offer her the things turnera suggested.
I think your right about the pins and neddles thing. She may be in withdrawls, so approach her, ask her out, and see what happens.
If she turns you down then leave it alone, walk away knowing that you tried and don't let it get you down.
Take the kids out in stead, I bet when she hears about that she'll get on board real quick, that comes from my experience.
Do you think there is another man that may be influenceing her even though the TGF has drifted away a bit?
If there is someone that she has connected with it could be a big wall that keeps her from reconnecting with you. It sound like she may have taken it deep underground, IDK.
I'd quitely look into that posability.
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:45 PM   #77 (permalink)
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I think you need to ask her out for a date before someone else does.
I mean she has stayed home so I think its time to throw her a bone and hand a peace offering.
She may refuse she may not. Deffinetly offer her the things turnera suggested.
I think your right about the pins and neddles thing. She may be in withdrawls, so approach her, ask her out, and see what happens.
If she turns you down then leave it alone, walk away knowing that you tried and don't let it get you down.
Take the kids out in stead, I bet when she hears about that she'll get on board real quick, that comes from my experience.
Do you think there is another man that may be influenceing her even though the TGF has drifted away a bit?
If there is someone that she has connected with it could be a big wall that keeps her from reconnecting with you. It sound like she may have taken it deep underground, IDK.
I'd quitely look into that posability.
Guy I asked her dinner and a movie for Saturday and she said yes. How do I go about it now I feel weird! Incredible how weird I feel.
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:55 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Treat her like you treated her when you were dating.
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Old 02-10-2011, 10:16 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Treat her like you treated her when you were dating.
I will, I am going to act as if nothing has happened. I just hope that I don't get burned for this later. I hope this is the start of something positive and not a let's pretend we are happy. I will say this I am going to feel weird holding her hand again. What type of conversations should I engage in.
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Old 02-10-2011, 10:53 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Peace,
Shared positive experiences are powerful. They strengthen the bond between you. So - conversation and activity should follow that theme. If I ever got to a place where things were a bit strained with my W I would do some "activity" with her where we could talk. Walk the dogs, go to this outdoor shopping complex near us with all these fountains. That way we can do the "light banter" people watch - but silences aren't awkward because you are walking/watching/shopping etc.

YOU do NOT talk about the relationship - about her friend or anything difficult or controversial. If she brings something up like "I am not going to see my friend as much as I know you don't like her" you can just say "Thank you for putting our marriage first". Thats it. No long response. No big discussion. No anger. No fear. Just a simple thanks. At the end of a good/great experience - with her - give her a hug and a smile and something light like "that was fun" and thats it.

If she wants to talk about how she feels - let her. Listen. You can ask some questions if they will help you understand. On your side - stay away from negative talk about the past. Keep it really short and positive. You can say you are glad things are moving in a good direction.

Show no doubt about her intentions. Do not question her motives. Worst case she is pretending. Possible case - she starts out pretending and things go well and she realizes she really wants to be with you.

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I will, I am going to act as if nothing has happened. I just hope that I don't get burned for this later. I hope this is the start of something positive and not a let's pretend we are happy. I will say this I am going to feel weird holding her hand again. What type of conversations should I engage in.
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Old 02-11-2011, 04:57 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

since conversation from both sides didnt work.you are the Man of the house at this point tell her she is not welcomed home after 10pm.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:04 AM   #82 (permalink)
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since conversation from both sides didnt work.you are the Man of the house at this point tell her she is not welcomed home after 10pm.

Aalina,

I will have a heart to heart talk about wanting to stay together or splitup. If the choice is to stay, then we have a lot of catching up to do to help build our marriage where we both feel more connected to each other. This heart to heart is only if things fall back to square one after our date.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:09 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Peace,
Shared positive experiences are powerful. They strengthen the bond between you. So - conversation and activity should follow that theme. If I ever got to a place where things were a bit strained with my W I would do some "activity" with her where we could talk. Walk the dogs, go to this outdoor shopping complex near us with all these fountains. That way we can do the "light banter" people watch - but silences aren't awkward because you are walking/watching/shopping etc.

YOU do NOT talk about the relationship - about her friend or anything difficult or controversial. If she brings something up like "I am not going to see my friend as much as I know you don't like her" you can just say "Thank you for putting our marriage first". Thats it. No long response. No big discussion. No anger. No fear. Just a simple thanks. At the end of a good/great experience - with her - give her a hug and a smile and something light like "that was fun" and thats it.

If she wants to talk about how she feels - let her. Listen. You can ask some questions if they will help you understand. On your side - stay away from negative talk about the past. Keep it really short and positive. You can say you are glad things are moving in a good direction.

Show no doubt about her intentions. Do not question her motives. Worst case she is pretending. Possible case - she starts out pretending and things go well and she realizes she really wants to be with you.
MEM,

I will do all the above, I will not bring up anything related to the past. I will not ruin the date with such poor taste, I want to reunite. I will hold her hand look into her eyes and see her reactions toards me. Is their a point where I should say through it all I love you, or just leave I love you out completely. Man this is hard for me, I had set my boundaries and now I have to ease up and try to see if she communicates with me. What will she be wanting from me, after nine years it of mariiage I feel like I dont even know her.
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:20 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

You do not say "ILY" until she says it. I don't care if it takes a full year. And if you ever say "through it all I love you" you are basically telling her she gets to do whatever she wants to you - and you will "take it". So NEVER say "through it all I loved you".

You don't talk about YOUR feelings. YOUR desire to stay together. Love. Jealousy. Nothing. You just be calm, cool and playful. Fun to be with. If she isn't coming on to you hard within a month I will be surprised. And likely if it reaches that point you should start to move on.



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MEM,

I will do all the above, I will not bring up anything related to the past. I will not ruin the date with such poor taste, I want to reunite. I will hold her hand look into her eyes and see her reactions toards me. Is their a point where I should say through it all I love you, or just leave I love you out completely. Man this is hard for me, I had set my boundaries and now I have to ease up and try to see if she communicates with me. What will she be wanting from me, after nine years it of mariiage I feel like I dont even know her.
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:21 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

You can do it, Stay in control, no matter how much you want to say something snide or sarcastic do not let it out.
You are heading in the right direction, stay focused and after nine years there are some great memories, in addition bring up the fact that you are looking for a bright future with her.

Just stay positive with your conversation no matter if its about a awsome vacation you took so many years ago, or what it will be like to retire with her and even mention watching the kid grow up and things of that nature. Really any thing that will shine a light on happier times.

Don't be affraid to thank her for the date and acknowledge the things you are thankful for. If you do love her tell her. Show her all the reasons why she married you, Date night is not the time to think about if your going to get bit in the ass for dating your wife, it's just a date enjoy it.

Don't forget the compliments.... her shoes , hair, and even her scent.
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:28 AM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

Sorry - have to disagree with most of this.

Do NOT say ILY - unless she says it first. Huge mistake for you to be "chasing" her that way at this point.

As for compliments - a quick - "you look nice" is enough. Do NOT give her lots of compliments. The reason she is treating you badly is you are being too nice. Stop it.


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You can do it, Stay in control, no matter how much you want to say something snide or sarcastic do not let it out.
You are heading in the right direction, stay focused and after nine years there are some great memories, in addition bring up the fact that you are looking for a bright future with her.

Just stay positive with your conversation no matter if its about a awsome vacation you took so many years ago, or what it will be like to retire with her and even mention watching the kid grow up and things of that nature. Really any thing that will shine a light on happier times.

Don't be affraid to thank her for the date and acknowledge the things you are thankful for. If you do love her tell her. Show her all the reasons why she married you, Date night is not the time to think about if your going to get bit in the ass for dating your wife, it's just a date enjoy it.

Don't forget the compliments.... her shoes , hair, and even her scent.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:03 AM   #87 (permalink)
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Sorry - have to disagree with most of this.

Do NOT say ILY - unless she says it first. Huge mistake for you to be "chasing" her that way at this point.

As for compliments - a quick - "you look nice" is enough. Do NOT give her lots of compliments. The reason she is treating you badly is you are being too nice. Stop it.
She has treated me badly, she checked out and now I am the one that asked her out. Today, I called her to ask her a simple question and the way she answers the phone is as if I was a stranger. I wonder if asking her out was the right thing to do, I don`t want to show her that I am needy. I love her, however, I can not fall into a trap again. I do not want to get mixed emotions from her again this will only make me upset and end all communication for good.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:05 AM   #88 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
You can do it, Stay in control, no matter how much you want to say something snide or sarcastic do not let it out.
You are heading in the right direction, stay focused and after nine years there are some great memories, in addition bring up the fact that you are looking for a bright future with her.

Just stay positive with your conversation no matter if its about a awsome vacation you took so many years ago, or what it will be like to retire with her and even mention watching the kid grow up and things of that nature. Really any thing that will shine a light on happier times.

Don't be affraid to thank her for the date and acknowledge the things you are thankful for. If you do love her tell her. Show her all the reasons why she married you, Date night is not the time to think about if your going to get bit in the ass for dating your wife, it's just a date enjoy it.

Don't forget the compliments.... her shoes , hair, and even her scent.
Hi Guy,
Thank you as usual, I have to be careful in the way I approach everything here.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:13 AM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

MEM has some valide points, but its just a date, one night to go out and enjoy each other company.
I quess its a balance peace has to make.

I mean if my DS was still contacting OM I would whole heartedly agree, but since my W has come back and it is confirmed through my own investigation that my W is commited to the marriage, I have to recipricate her commitment with some plesent behavior on my part.
I think its kind of wierd to put up a wall that will prevent the both of you from having an enjoyable time, its just a date!
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:21 AM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes toxic friend is going to cause our divorce!

The Guy,
There is no wall. If she wants to say ILY she can. He can say it back. And you said the magic word below "reciprocate". When she is nice - he is nice back. But the more he initiates the less respect she has for him. Simple - brutal truth of this dynamic he is in.

I agree when things are "healthy" it doesn't need to work this way. But he/she are far from healthy.


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MEM has some valide points, but its just a date, one night to go out and enjoy each other company.
I quess its a balance peace has to make.

I mean if my DS was still contacting OM I would whole heartedly agree, but since my W has come back and it is confirmed through my own investigation that my W is commited to the marriage, I have to recipricate her commitment with some plesent behavior on my part.
I think its kind of wierd to put up a wall that will prevent the both of you from having an enjoyable time, its just a date!
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