Couple time vs. Extended Family time

Pockets · 02-03-2011, 10:36 AM

I am hoping that some of you will lend your opinion and help me understand whether I am way off base about something that has come up in my marriage.

Background: Married 9 years, two boys 8 and 5. We have nearly separated but have been working through issues which basically have stemmed from a sexless marriage (i am the higher drive spouse), and not prioritizing each other once the kids arrived (she tended to hyperfocus on work and family, while I felt left behind). My wife is extremely social with a large family and is usually out and about or Facebooking most days/nights as her work allows, while I generally prefer one on one time at home or out as a couple with her when it is available - I am not nearly as much of a social butterfly.

She is very bonded to her family. We have had a total of 1 overnight and zero vacations in eight years that haven't involved someone from her family being part of it. She loves her family and truth be told they are very nice people, but I crave alone time with her which I have not been able to get.

Two nights ago, we tried to come up with a plan for a vacation. She suggested a Disney World trip, which she knows is my favorite vacation spot. (Disney is a 5 hour plane ride for us, quite a distance away.) Almost immediately she suggested that we spend a day visiting her brother in Florida, as he lives 2-3 hours away. Admittedly, she only gets to see him 2-3 times a year.

I was very disappointed by this. I asked her if we could have one vacation that didn't involve her family. She said no, she couldn't do this Disney trip without seeing her brother.

My suggested compromise: Go take a trip to see your brother, and then when you are ready we can go to Disney as just us, without in-laws. This was not acceptable.

Her compromises: Take a one-day trip to Disney. Or, take a vacation to a different place. I couldn't help but feel that a) I shouldn't have to shorten my vacation and/or b) shouldn't have to change my destination just because her brother lives in that state.

Yesterday she came up with another compromise which entailed us taking the Disney vacation without the family but having to LIE to her family to cover it up. Of course, I was very disappointed by this because it sounds like she is basically embarrassed to go anywhere with just me.

Am I really off base here, or after almost 10 years of marriage should we be at the point where I could expect one time - just one time - where she could tell her family "I'm choosing to make this a family trip with my husband and kids, we can meet up next time"? The actual vacation is secondary to the idea of her committing to her marriage and not her family. To her, my request to have this vacation without her brother was a request for her "to abandon her family, and [she's] not going to do that."

Thanks for any opinions.

Chris Taylor · 02-03-2011, 12:58 PM

Totally agree with you. There's nothing wrong with telling extended family that you are spending alone time with your husband or family, not extended family.

You came up with a solution and she didn't go for it. I think you need to stand your ground on this, especially in light of your lack of family vacations and the other issues in your marriage. You need alone/family time.

Chris Taylor · 02-03-2011, 01:00 PM

And by the way, don't let her tell her brother "Pockets doesn't want us visiting you on this trip." make sure it's "Pockets wants this trip to be just our family".

Another by the way... if she wants to spend time with bro, why doesn't he drive the 2-3 hours and spend dinner with you guys?

greeneyeddolphin · 02-04-2011, 10:10 AM

While I can understand your frustration, I also think her request wasn't all that unreasonable. You're taking a vacation, one of several days I would assume, and she wanted one day to see her brother. I really don't think that was all that out of line. If she'd wanted him there every day, that would be too much.

If she feels the need to lie to her family when you go on vacation just to avoid having them along, I would wonder what's going on there. My family does not invite themselves along on our vacations, doesn't assume they are invited, and doesn't hint at being invited either. I could tell any member of my family of a vacation that we are taking, and they'll simply tell us to have fun and take lots of pictures to show them later. If she feels she needs to lie, I'd say there's something going on with the family, maybe they pressure her into involving them or something.

I'm not sure of the exact working you could/should use, but I would try to ask her if there's some reason why she feels that taking a vacation with just you and the kids is abandoning the rest of her family. There has to be something to it.