Moncher

Hi everyone,
I've been married 25 years. We keep our money seperate but pay for equal things. My husband has always insisted that I thank him when we have dinner at the Ninety Nine or anywhere else for that matter. Sometimes I forget, but for the most part I acquiesce. Last night he came into the den where I was on the net and said "don't you think you should say thank you" and of course I did. I also said that since I felt all the money was "ours" I didn't need to say thanks, and dropped the issue. Lately, I have begun to worry about this need of his. I think it translates into an idea in his head that maybe we are not an "us". It worries me deeply. This morning we had an argument about something completely different but a lot of negativity came out. He hides his feelings and does not communicate them. We tried MC but he didn't open up. What does this needing thanks mean? Can anyone help?

Michelle27

I don't think it's an "us" issue at all. This is a discussion that my husband and I have had many times. I am the sole shopper, meal planner and cook in the house (in addition to working full time and taking care of the kids as a "single parent" 50% of the time as he works out of town). He takes me out to dinner maybe 4 times a year and every time, he expects a thank you, which I always say, usually as we're leaving the restaurant. Yet, the other 99% of the time when I cook a meal and serve him, he neglects to say thanks to me. I believe that my time cooking, planning and preparation (shopping for groceries) is worth at least a thank you.

That said, it sounds like negativity and poor communication are at the root of the issues you may have. I don't think wanting a "thank you" is really an issue unless you or he are feeling resentments over other things that come out in this.

Mrs.G

I don't understand what the big deal is, about saying thank you. It could simply be an appreciation issue; he may just want to feel like you appreciate his efforts, to "date" you again.
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DanF

It sounds small and petty to me.
Demand the same of him when he has clean underwear...

MarriedWifeInLove

It sounds like he needs words of affirmation to feel appreciated.

I say thank you to my husband for anything he does for me. And he has been thanking me for anything I do for him.

It's simply a matter of appreciation for your spouse for something they do for you. My husband and I have a joint account and when he suggests dinner out, then I thank him - because he took me out, not because he used his, our money - who cares?

The fact that he has to ASK YOU to thank him indicates to me that he feels you don't appreciate what he does for you - regardless of who did/didn't pay for it.

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MsLady

For some couple, that could be a non-issue. In your case, it sounds like there are underlying, unspoken problems that aren't being addressed and are getting lost, instead, in petty quabbles.

My husband and I have done that as well. We have much bigger issues, but we have gotten stuck at the fact that he wants a "Good morning" each morning and I think that's stupid because 'I just freaking saw you'. It's like having to say hello each time I bump into you around the house. Dumb.

So, there you have it. One seemingly simple argument hiding years of bigger stuff that's too big now to actually put out there without serious consequences.

major misfit

I don't see what the big deal is either. My SO and I have joint accounts...but when he swipes the debit card for lunch or dinner, I say "thanks for buying me lunch, it was a treat to get to hang out with you". I don't have to ask him to thank me when I cook supper, or when he has clean clothes. He just does. I just see it as common courtesy.

There are bigger issues here. I would be trying to find out what they are, and that means some serious communication, without blame. Open mindedness. Really listening.

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Mrs.G

You and I seem to think the same most of the time. Great minds!