General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have a general relationship question, what is your take on Soft swap with other couples or four playing on the bed with no full swap? have you done it before? and who did you choose? how did it impact your marriage relation?
We haven't done it, there is alot of bases to cover.
Some of our rules if we did. Hotels are a most, strangers are a most and no phone numbers exchanged.
Both me and my wife are to inscure to go through with it. we both are afraid that a secret relationship would start up. We would also be so concerned about spending to much attention on the OP that would hurt me or her.
Bottom line there is to much at risk, I'm mean we did the strip club thing and there wasn't any jealous issue with lap dances, but taking it up a notch to soft swap is to dangerous in my opinion. I would have to say were more vior...let folks watch but the whole swap at any degree is getting to close to the edge. Even with a safe word that would get us out of the sitch. there is to many what ifs that you can't take back.
So I have to say its one thing to have sex infront of another couple, but to swap even a soft swap it doesn't make sence if you dont go all the way.
How could it possibly stop there? Which of the spouses would start to fantasize about the one they were with. There's no way I could handle this. Not only would I be very jealous, but I would be completely obsessed with the other woman. Can you just eat one potato chip? Could you make-out with a person of the opposite sex and just leave it at that? What if you go into it planning to only "soft swap" as you put it and then your spouse or your spouse's partner wanted to take it all the way? What if after that encounter you said you didn't want to do that ever again and your spouse and your spouse's swap partner started texting, meeting, etc? Slippery slope.
Can I ask a question? Whose idea is this? Just from reading your other thread I'm guessing this is your idea because you have negative feelings about your wife. I suspect there are a lot of other issues that wasn't in your thread also. Have you considered going to a marriage counselor?
Mike, it could stop there if you want it to stop, its all up to the couples. I read many posts that it worked for alot people to do soft then in the same room one with his wife.
Have anyone done that before?
I have a general relationship question, what is your take on Soft swap with other couples or four playing on the bed with no full swap? have you done it before? and who did you choose? how did it impact your marriage relation?
I'm talking about soft not full
Do a BOAT load of reading and talking about it FIRST. I have seen it help engender a greater closeness. And I have seen it completely rip a marriage apart.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good place to start.
If you search swinging lifestyle on amazon, you will find a ton.
Unless both of you are COMPLETELY devoted to the following two principles, I would not even CONSIDER it.
- My spouse comes first ALWAYS. We cut and run on ANY risk. I NEVER ask my spouse to do anything that s/he is tentative about.
- Full, complete and true HONESTY is the single most important couple skill you need to develop. If you cannot handle that kind of honesty, then you don't belong in the lifestyle.
I have a general relationship question, what is your take on Soft swap with other couples or four playing on the bed with no full swap? have you done it before? and who did you choose? how did it impact your marriage relation?
I'm talking about soft not full
From your other post it sounds like you're not into your wife that much anymore. I quote: "I ask myself, why didnt I marry someone educated and smart, yes my wife is beautiful but I could have done better." Is the potential soft swap partner 'better'?
Perhaps this is just the excuse you want in order to get it on with some strange.
Okay, appears I'm the only one that is actually speaking from experience.
Yes, I have done it with my husband.
And before anyone asks, since you've seen my previous threads, it was AFTER our sex life went into the toilet - it wasn't before and didn't cause it, other issues there that I'm still trying to work out.
We do have rules:
- Our home only (we live out in the middle of nowhere), we do not go to other people's homes.
- We get to know them, as much as possible via e-mail/photo's first.
- We set up the rules beforehand - what is allowed, with who, what is not allowed, etc., before we even make the date.
- It must be done with the both of us present, even if we're not participating - no solo time.
But we did not limit it to soft, we have done full swap. It did not cause us any lingering issues as we were both on board and had decided what we would/would not allow beforehand.
And surprisingly enough - we both enjoyed it.
Due to some medical and other issues, we have not participated since late fall of last year, but once those issues are resolved, I expect us to continue - it works for us, and lots of other couples, but not for everyone.
I'd say it is like drenching the bed with gasoline with a lit candle on the nightstand.
Why risk your marriage like that?
People risk it for a number of reasons, many of them good. I would say that greater than 50% of the folk I know had their marriage grow stronger in passion, trust and commitment as a result of the good and bad times. The success or failure seems to depend more on the people doing it than the lifestyle itself. The motives, the maturity, the degree of commitment to the marriage itself.
There are a bunch of books out there. Netflix has a documentary called "The Lifestyle". All worth a read/watch.
From your other post it sounds like you're not into your wife that much anymore. I quote: "I ask myself, why didnt I marry someone educated and smart, yes my wife is beautiful but I could have done better." Is the potential soft swap partner 'better'?
Perhaps this is just the excuse you want in order to get it on with some strange.
Or perhaps not.
We didn't enter the lifestyle in order to get it on with some strange...it was actually my idea, not my husband's initially and it was to experiment, try out some fantasies in reality and to spice things up.
And we were able to experiment and we made several fantasies into reality and it did spice up our sex life together (when we have sex - this is another issue entirely).
So while it doesn't work for all, it has worked for us and we will continue in the lifestyle once we get issues worked out at home.
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Soft Swap or couples play 
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