The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-07-2011, 12:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Default The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

I have been married almost 5 years and have been in a steady decline into resentment and unhappiness since day 1. Here are a few of my issues:
1. Won't try anything new in bed. Missionary only, I have to beg for oral (usually she uses it as a reward for a good deed). Forget anything kinky or fun. I want to experiment a bit, the most taboo thing being anal. Anytime i bring it up I pretty much get threatened with divorce. She is very uptight unless drunk.
2. She doesn't shave, trims a few times a year(maybe). Tried being nice, assertive, and even mean a few times to no avail. The big hairy mit is a huge turn off for me, but she does not seem to care, always says that she gets razor rash, but won't try any different techniques.
3. No lingerie. She wore an old hand me down once and had the sideburns sticking out. She could read my disdain even though I tried to hide it (I was just happy she tried something new). Now nothing. I bought a few things for her, but she refuses to wear them.
4. She complains about almost everything. I try to listen to all her concerns but when I hear them repeatedly and constantly it all sounds the same. Seems like nothing can make her happy.

I find myself bitter and resentful towards her without even knowing it. There are times the sound of her voice makes me feel angry and apprehensive. I am a pretty happy easy going person, but my personality has changed to one that is stressed, angry, resentful and uncaring. I have tried talking to her about all of these issues without any success. She says she wants to know my feelings but when I let it out the walls go up, and it somehow gets twisted into being my fault, and if it is sexual in nature I am a deviant and should be ashamed for wanting these terrible things. The opportunity for endless infidelity is definitely available, but that would really only offer relief in the short term for me, not to mention that I do love my wife and want to spend my life with her. The devastation it would cause my family would be irrepairable, and even though I am tempted I will not.
That being said I know I cannot live my life and be happy without fixing the 4 major issues I have outlined above. I feel I am a good husband. I provide a nice home, vehicle, all the free time she wants once I am home from work, emotional support, housework, parenting, etc. The only thing she says she wants improvement in is my grouchiness. I really don't want to hand out "Ultimatums", but like I said I will not be happy without fixing the 4 issues. Oh, and she is kind of lazy sometimes, but I can handle that. We have 2 young children and some days it's all either of us can do to just keep them happy, let alone clean house, laundry, cooking etc. Please help with some suggestions or advice before I do anything stupid!
theniceguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-07-2011, 12:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Bad News's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 91
Default

No wonder your grouchy! But what was your sex life like before you married? And what are your wifes major complaints? Are you happy w/ the frequency just not the level of kink/variety?
Posted via Mobile Device
Bad News is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 02:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,461
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

NiceGuy,

Many here have walked in your shoes.

Here's a link to share their experience -and solutions.

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

I would recommend reading all the links therein.

If you want to get into this, we're in the Men's Clubhouse.
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 02:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
breathe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: california
Posts: 30
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

I feel your pain, my other half's attitude toward our relationship made me irritated & angry at times. The man up link could provide some helpful tips for you, but there is a chance she is just a prude wife who refuses to work on the relationship.
breathe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 04:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
MarriedWifeInLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2,052
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

I feel sorry for you.

Nothing worse than not getting intimacy and love from the person you care about the most - makes you grouchy, angry, resentful, all of the above.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of us (male and female) who are in your shoes and know how you feel, that doesn't make it easier, but you are definitely not alone.

Conrad is right, being a man, read up on the tips and references in the Men's Clubhouse, they can help you.

I'm starting to learn that sometimes...love just isn't enough. It takes two to make a marriage work and if only one is working on it, then it may be doomed to fail in the long-run.

Sad, but true. Sometimes those we love don't love us back in the same way.
__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford
MarriedWifeInLove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 04:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 326
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

If you could get over #2 and #4, it would focus down your list. Honestly, a woman can be an absolute vixen in bed and open-minded without necessarily enjoying wearing lingerie (birthday suit is always good) and without having to shave. A bare ***** is a very modern expectation of men. You boys have lots of messy, funky bodily things going on and women generally don't ask for anything more than "be clean." However, men folk have often spent too much time watching closeups of porno ***** and have unrealistic or just annoying expectations. I might add that I never shaved mine until about a year or so ago and have learned to like it. But I would never had done it for someone else. It's work and maintenance and there ARE pluses to having a thick bush (for a woman) that can be hard to give up. If you love her, body hair should not be, IMO, on a list of things you just can't live with. Seems lame to me and, well, didn't you take a peek at it ahead of time? That's the one you chose, but now you HAVE to have it shaved?

You married a prude man. Surely you knew this in advance as well. I understand expecting things to change with time ... but now you've learned the lesson the hard way like the rest of us ... you're stuck married to the person you married, not the person you thought they'd become.

Quote:
and it somehow gets twisted into being my fault
I'm curious what her complaints are about you. That could provide a clue as to the two-sides of the problem. Or is it just her view that you asking for more variety is "perverted." I think it's reasonable to expect to enjoy a rich sexual life. I don't think you should push one particular thing (i.e., anal) as something you just can't live without (unless you cant, in which case, you need a new woman). However, to ask that she open up to more playful love-making is totally reasonable. Why not recommend she come with you to a sex therapist?

P.S. have you made it your life's mission to make sure she orgasms when you do have sex? That is KEY in getting a woman to be more pro-sex. Unsatisfactory sex never inspired a woman to want more of it. And I know that, if she's not pleased (orgasming), it's not necessarily your fault if she's not relaxing and helping ... however, it's important that she gets to (or is taken to) a place where sex FEELS really good. It's the only way she'll become more invested in it (and more eager to reciprocate).

Last edited by MsLady; 02-07-2011 at 04:49 PM.
MsLady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 06:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
CH
Member
 
CH's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,574
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

I never got the idea of lingerie, it's coming off anyways. I don't need more things on, I need them all off.

As to sex in missionary position only....

How often do you have sex? Is she passionate or a dead fish during sex?

If you say you're both having sex at least 5-7 times a week and the sex is very passionate alot of us here would like to come over and beat you over the head if that's the case. Upset cuz you only can have sex 7 times a week only in missionary position.......

If you say, sex like once a month and she just lays there or keeps asking if you're done yet then it might be time to sit down and have a heart to heart. Stop with the whining and begging and pleading.

Sit down and tell her this is what I want and this is what I need, we either work it out or else....

As to just doing only in missionary, my wife used to be like that. Eventually when we were going at it hot and heavy I would just lay right down on her, put my arms around her, throwing out the kisses and still inside of her. In one quick motion I would roll over while still holding her and you know what, not once did she stop to say let's get back into missionary. Only If I wanted to start with her on top did she almost always say, NO.

At 1st I had to still do all the work, even with her on top. But eventually she got used to it and rode that pony until it broke down from exhaustion many a times. Sigh, I still remember waking up in the middle of the night with the wife on top riding me. Those nights aren't coming back anytime soon though lol.

I know we all want the porn star that will suck a basketball through a garden hose and ride us to hell and back during sex but most of the time that's not gonna happen. Roll with what you have and just slowly work new things into bed over time.

It took my wife 1 year into our relationship to try other positions (funny thing is, recently when I was cleaning out our closet I found a copy of sexual positions stuffed in one of her old college bags), 2 years to do oral on me, 8 years to introduce toys into the bedroom and 10 years to let me do oral on her.

Now I get sex at least once a week and just missionary only 80% of the time but I feel like a kid in a candystore with a crisp $100 bill.
CH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 07:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 154
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

Get some good hair clippers use the smallest clip it comes with (don't try it with out a plastic clip) Give hear a good massage and tell hear you want to trim it for her. Do Not mess up your only gonna get one chance. Then have her shower and after give her oral into she orgasms. If all goes right you'll get oral back.

PS forget about anal
lost soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 08:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

Thanks for the responses, I will definitely be looking into the "Man-Up" section. Here are my responses:

Bad News - Prior to marriage it was better and more frequent, but the decline started around the time I put an engagement ring on her finger.

Ms Lady - The reasons for long and glorious pubic hair are from millions of years of evolution - before people bathed, lived inside from the elements, etc. Aside from the clean stealthy look of being shaved, it feels much better to a man when there is nothing getting in the way, especially when going down on her. It ain't the 70's, and it wasn't the 70's until around the time we got married. her main complaint is my grouchiness, and that I don't talk about my feelings enough. Oh, and yes I am a deviant for wanting these terrible things. As for the sex therapist thing i don't really want it to come down to that, but I fear that is a path we are headed.

Cheating Hubby - she lays there like a corpse prob 8 times out of 10. the other 2 times she's drunk and gets into it more so. Frequency is about once every week to 2 weeks.(I would like it at least 3-4 times a week). As for the mid roll over timing, she totally stops that, and gets "scared and anxious". I don't want no porn star, just want a wife that will pretend to be one once in awhile lol! Sometimes I wonder if she had a bad boyfriend in the past or something. I am pretty sure she has undiagnosed anxiety issues.

Lost Soul - Tried tried and tried. No go. Anal is like the forbidden fruit, the more I get told no the more I want it lol!
theniceguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 10:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
2sick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 389
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

QUOTE=theniceguy;249487]Thanks for the responses, I will definitely be looking into the "Man-Up" section. Here are my responses:

Bad News - Prior to marriage it was better and more frequent, but the decline started around the time I put an engagement ring on her finger.

Ms Lady - The reasons for long and glorious pubic hair are from millions of years of evolution - before people bathed, lived inside from the elements, etc. Aside from the clean stealthy look of being shaved, it feels much better to a man when there is nothing getting in the way, especially when going down on her. It ain't the 70's, and it wasn't the 70's until around the time we got married. her main complaint is my grouchiness, and that I don't talk about my feelings enough. Oh, and yes I am a deviant for wanting these terrible things. As for the sex therapist thing i don't really want it to come down to that, but I fear that is a path we are headed.

Cheating Hubby - she lays there like a corpse prob 8 times out of 10. the other 2 times she's drunk and gets into it more so. Frequency is about once every week to 2 weeks.(I would like it at least 3-4 times a week). As for the mid roll over timing, she totally stops that, and gets "scared and anxious". I don't want no porn star, just want a wife that will pretend to be one once in awhile lol! Sometimes I wonder if she had a bad boyfriend in the past or something. I am pretty sure she has undiagnosed anxiety issues.

Lost Soul - Tried tried and tried. No go. Anal is like the forbidden fruit, the more I get told no the more I want it lol![/QUOTE]
Tng: I am confused? You have 2 young kids and you also said that it sometimes takes all you have to just make them happy. Hate to bust your bubble but SHE'S FREAK'N TIRED!!!! I can tell you that shaving is the LAST thing on her mind! Two young children are enough to drive you crazy never the less drive you from wanting to have sex. Instead of you leaving her for two weeks try and leave the kids with someone for a couple of days, get her drunk (sounds like it's her uninhibitor) and enjoy her. I bet you will be surprised that the 2 of 10 times will definitely increase.

Do you help with the kids? Take it from experience THEY DRAIN you...and continue to do so until they are old enough to understand sex and to leave mommy and daddy alone!
2sick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 11:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

I go to work during the day, then come home, make dinner, tidy the house, play with/tend the children. I go out snowmobiling in the winter once every 2nd weekend for 4-6 hours(my "me" time). Since the oldest was born I have only been away once overnight, and that was to purchase a vehicle out of town. Other hobbies have been more or less foregone for the time being to concentrate on family. Parenting is viewed in our home as an equal partnership, and I also encourage her to spend time with her hobbies/friends, which she does. I take the kids out a couple nights a week grocery shopping, playdates, etc to try to give her some recovery/relaxation time.
Well, we will be tired for years, I know that 3x a day mad teenager sex ain't happening, but this decline all started prior to children, around the time we got engaged. Also, when she goes out for a bar night she has time and energy to spend 3 hours getting ready to be a hottie out on the town, but can't spend 10-20 minutes grooming/being sexy for me.
Leaving the kids for a couple days would be a tough one right now, maybe a year or so down the road it would be a great idea. Also, I don't want to have to ply her with liquor to bring out her repressed kink. Feels like I am taking advantage, although I do take what I can get when I can lol!
theniceguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 12:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 154
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by theniceguy View Post
Thanks for the responses, I will definitely be looking into the "Man-Up" section. Here are my responses:

Sometimes I wonder if she had a bad boyfriend in the past or something. I am pretty sure she has undiagnosed anxiety issues.

Lost Soul - Tried tried and tried. No go. Anal is like the forbidden fruit, the more I get told no the more I want it lol!
There you go ,,,,, maybe something happened to her as a child.
lost soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 03:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

Also I should add she used to orgasm fairly regular, but over the past year or two they are infrequent no matter the mood, technique etc, unless drunk of course, then there can be multiples, etc. I think she needs to relax a little, but she refuses to work on the issues.
theniceguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 03:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
2sick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 389
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by theniceguy View Post
I go to work during the day, then come home, make dinner, tidy the house, play with/tend the children. I go out snowmobiling in the winter once every 2nd weekend for 4-6 hours(my "me" time). Since the oldest was born I have only been away once overnight, and that was to purchase a vehicle out of town. Other hobbies have been more or less foregone for the time being to concentrate on family. Parenting is viewed in our home as an equal partnership, and I also encourage her to spend time with her hobbies/friends, which she does. I take the kids out a couple nights a week grocery shopping, playdates, etc to try to give her some recovery/relaxation time.
Well, we will be tired for years, I know that 3x a day mad teenager sex ain't happening, but this decline all started prior to children, around the time we got engaged. Also, when she goes out for a bar night she has time and energy to spend 3 hours getting ready to be a hottie out on the town, but can't spend 10-20 minutes grooming/being sexy for me.
Leaving the kids for a couple days would be a tough one right now, maybe a year or so down the road it would be a great idea. Also, I don't want to have to ply her with liquor to bring out her repressed kink. Feels like I am taking advantage, although I do take what I can get when I can lol!
HMMM...You ARE the nice guy!!! It's great that you take such good care of your kids and even her in spite of the situation. I don't know what else to say except maybe she has a hormone imbalance ? Not sure how she can be a hottie when she's out and a nottie for for?!?!?!? I guess just try and sit her down and have a heart to heart?!? Good luck!
2sick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2011, 06:57 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 177
Default Re: The decline into resentment and unhappiness with a prude wife

I don't know that I have any advice for you. But I do know how you feel. My wife went from wanting to have sex 10-12 times per month (passionate sex, with lots of oral, kissing, different positoins etc) 6 years ago, to a steady decline to what it is now. Sex once or twice a month (could have it more, but she would complain to no end) and it is definitley dead fish sex, no kissing (she told me she doesn't want to kiss any more about 5 years ago), no foreplay, no oral. She doesn't even take all her clothes off. Oh yeah, and it has to be completely dark. She just lays there with her head turned, and waits until I am done. She is 45 and just recently went through menopause, and she has no desire at all for sex anymore.

So because it is not important to her, then she doesn't care if it is important to me. She justifies it by saying, well I'm not denying you sex, so stop complaining. We'll after the last time we had sex (early December), I decided that I didn't want to have sex like that anymore, so I will wait until she asks me for it, and guess what? I'm still waiting. If something doesn't change soon, I'm thinking of asking her for an open relationship, or divorce (lot to think about there). To be honest, I don't think she would even care if I had sex with someone else now, just as long as she didn't know about it. It would take all the pressure off of her. Just know that I feel your pain!
russ101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife is a prude but wasn't always this way nod249 Sex in Marriage 62 12-09-2012 07:44 PM
Slow Decline, can I get it back? Frozen001 Sex in Marriage 16 11-16-2012 12:04 PM
Her reason for unhappiness confuses me BrickWall The Men's Clubhouse 13 03-08-2011 09:55 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:06 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage