Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Pop ups and porn?

6K views 55 replies 19 participants last post by  IAMCIV 
#1 · (Edited)
I am not sure where I should post this. If this is in the wrong area please move it to the correct place. :). Thank you!

I checked out my husbands phone about 3 weeks ago. I found porn and I also found a few hookup sites! My husband said when I confronted him he told me they were pop ups. Now he has lied to me about porn in the past blaming it on others etc. I want to know what you all think, were they pop ups? Thanks in advance.

I forgot to mention that one of the sites was in the history 6 times
 
#2 ·
it is possible. But popups like that only happen if you had been cruising porn or sex sites.

That said, almost ALL guys watch a little porn...so that in itself is not a devastating find by any means
 
  • Like
Reactions: Quant
#3 ·
With out telling my entire sob story no porn isn't bad, in general. But when you aren't having sex with your S.O for months on end and find porn and sex sites in the browsing history on his phone, then yeah its bad. I guess I am just trying to figure things out in my own head and I need a little help, because I feel like im starting to loose my bloody mind.
 
#5 ·
Looks like he has a porn issue, but what is just as worrisome is he's not on the level with you about it. Many guys have this problem and some folks think it's ok and others do not. You need to figure out what your stance is and work from there.

Consider approaching him and telling him that even though you disapprove of porn (if you do) it is more important to you that he feel he can be truthful with you.

If he wants help to overcome porn he can find a valuable alliance in you. An otherwise good husband is worth rescuing from porn in my opinion, if he'll cooperate. Good luck.
 
#10 ·
Why cant men respect their women? If porn affects the wife, even in an unreasonable way or if it's illogical, it is still considered as bad for your marriage...

Why should the wife care about the husband's need/desire if he doesn't care about her?

Why should the wife bother to please her man if he is lusting other women openly? What's the point?

----

Lost one,
Tell your husband,short and sweet:

"I'm not ok with you watching porn/ sexy women. (doesn't matter what other men or media said about porn, if it affects you, then it is NOT ok...there is a good reason why majority women don't feel good about it)."

Tell him that no matter how or what you tried, the behavior always make you feel _____, unhappy and you might respect him less or desire him less.

----
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#12 ·
The reason most women don't feel good about it is because women are extremely jealous and territorial about their men even if the woman is virtual.Look men want variety in women sexually he can still love you and see a sexy 18 year old walking down the street and think about her naked.Men compartmentalize sex more then women,doesn't mean he should cheat but looking is different.
 
This post has been deleted
#37 ·
Please ignore the comments about your weight etc.

The issue is your husband and his behaviour. If porn is not OK with you, then he needs to respect that. Some might say it's natural for men to have urges, they are visual blah blah, they can't control it. That is rubbish, and rug sweeping bad behaviour. Just as women may naturally have gravitated towards the fittest strongest specimen who can provide the best historically, this does not mean that as her husband ages she should start looking for a new model, or getting her sexual satisfaction from looking young hot strong men with huge c****.

Personally porn is not OK by me, for so many reasons and I have my own boundaries, and if my partner doesn't like it, he is free to leave.

Another issue is your husband is behaving like a child, doing something he knows hurts you, hiding it and breeding mistrust in your relationship.

He's also neglecting you sexually and that's not OK. Many men who have issues with porn do have issues with intimacy and sex with their wives.

Lastly the other issue is the hook up sites, I consider that cheating, even if he claims he was just growing, that kind of behaviour is beyond revolting.

I think you need to decide what you are willing to do. If you do nothing or make empty threats he will keep on keeping on, and your relationship will not be what you deserve.
 
#51 ·
I am not ok with porn, in this relationship anymore! I will not stand for it. It has caused way to many problem (even thoigh I know its him and not the porn.) It is no longer acceptable. Its a deal breaker as it stands at this point. I also won't watch it anymore and I havent for a while anyway.

This is his last chance, I really hope he knows that and he should because I have told him it is and I mean it.. I was going to move out, until he finally decided to pull his head out of his ass. After years of thinking nothing was wrong with anything he was doing, no matter what I'd say or how many times I'd cry none of it ever made a difference.

Until one day our land lord called to ask my husband about a call he had recieved for me, about a reference and rental history.
 
#41 ·
From what I understand, it's quite common for overweight guys to turn to porn.

Not only do they not feel very good about getting naked (porn is not judgemental) but it may actually be easier for them to get it up and get off with porn than doing the work with a woman.

The more fat a guy gets, the lower his T gets.

Ask me how I know.
 
#42 ·
Plenty of guys are able to keep porn as a passing pleasure (like the rest of us can do with alcohol). But some folks are addicts (just like alcoholics!) Though I'd say an occasional porn site here and there is not enough evidence that he's not just an occasional healthy user (just like no one would think anything against a social drinker)

There's not enough information here to say if the porn is causing your intimacy issues, or if the the intimacy issues are causing the porn, or if there is a third issue causing them both. But if you feel its a problem you need to talk with him, possibly in conjunction with a counselor. It is OK to accept porn, it is NOT ok to accept a sexless marriage. Good luck.
 
#43 ·
Good evening Lost_alone
First - hookup site pop-ups are very common (nearly universal) from porn sites. It is very likely that those are just the result of his watching porn. Unless there is other evidence, I would not take that as evidence that he has been doing more than watching porn.

My opinion on porn is that it is OK as long as it doesn't affect your sex life. I view it as equivalent to using sex toys to masturbate - it just happens to be a visual sex toy.

That said, it sounds like it IS affecting your sex life and that is a problem. It sounds like he is watching porn INSTEAD of being intimate with you, and you have every right to be upset about that. I even suggest that you take that tack: it isn't the porn its being replace by porn that is a problem.
 
#44 ·
I think hes being a man:)....

The majority of men look at some sort of porn at sometime... My husband does not watch loads, but he does watch it and i have also seen some in the history on his laptop....

Regarding pop ups, I get them on mine and i assure you i am doing nothing wrong.
 
#45 ·
Your husband gained a hundred pounds. He's morbidly obese. Have you guys delved into the reason behind such a massive weight gain?

Obesity, for many men, can lead to ED, a severe plummet in self esteem, and a resulting withdrawal from sex.

Nobody here knows whether your husband has a porn addiction. But his weight is excessive and it might just be much easier, and simpler, for him to get himself off than deal with the shame and embarrassment that potentially comes along with being obese and having sex.

There obviously could be other issues, but how much have you all explored his weight and the effect it could be having on your waning sex life? Have you ever asked your husband how he feels about himself?
 
#53 ·
Hes gained the weight over the years, it was gradual. He complains about the weight, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He has said he does feel like crap about himself, so do I but that doesnt mean I m going to neglect my husband because I have bodily issues, of course 20 pounds is a lot different then 100 pounds. Masterbation alone is not enough for me.

This is why I am here. :) I want my marriage to work, haven't spent the last 18 years together just for it to end. I think he wants it to work too or atleast I hope he does.
 
#46 ·
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I read most of the conversation that's already been going on here. There are pretty clear indicators of addiction (hiding it from you, lying about it, ect..). I think it's very likely that your husband is using porn to meet some deep, emotional need in his life. The weight gain is further evidence of that.

Have you guys ever been to counseling? In this case, I think you should. It's probably unrealistic to expect real change to happen without really dealing with those root issues and causes of the unacceptable behaviors. Counseling will also provide a stronger form of accountability for him to deal with his stuff.

I hope that helps. Hang in there!
 
#47 ·
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I read most of the conversation that's already been going on here. There are pretty clear indicators of addiction (hiding it from you, lying about it, ect..)

Hiding and lying about porn usage isn't indicative of an addiction. Most boys (and girls for that matter) learn to lie about masturbation, fantasy, and porn from the get go as we live in a society that largely stigmatizes these things. Many grown ass men won't even admit to anybody that they masturbate.

Most men watch porn.
Most of those men who watch porn will lie about it, especially to their wives.

When most men enjoy an activity that their wives dislike, but they see no big deal about, they'll hide it. Even a man who only watches porn 3 or 4 times a year is likely to hide it from a wife who is threatened by those 3 or 4 times a year.
 
#48 ·
I think those who have focused on the weight gain have hit upon the bigger issue. He doesn't want to trouble with the exertion and it's easier. I don't know the other marital issues but you mentioned in the past 3 weeks he has started helping more - so we know that he wasn't helping and I wonder if that was also an energy issue.

I don't think the porn is a huge problem but I think he's choosing it because it's easier than sex which takes physical effort.

Perhaps focusing on getting in better shape would be more productive in the long run. You can cushion the blow by saying you both need to get in better shape and start cooking healthier meals. Pack a healthy, low-cal lunch, suggest after dinner brisk walks with strollers if the kids are young or bikes if they are old enough. Setting a healthy example for the kids can be another good reason. Ask him to get a physical.

100 pounds of fat = low testosterone which means low drive for everything in life. Less ambition, less sex drive, less motivation and energy...

Now why did he gain all of that weight? Perhaps the other issue that should be addressed is psychological. Is he depressed? Have these changes in his body been part of an evil cycle - gains weight, is depressed about weight, because he's depressed he eats and doesn't move much so he gains weight, etc...

So, I'd forget about the porn for now and see about his having a physical, perhaps MC or IC if he is struggling with something and focus on those issues. Likely those two things will help your sex life a lot.
 
#54 ·
Just to give you an idea of how detrimental weight can be on your self esteem and comfortability in sexual situations, allow me to share a brief story:

My wife has a former friend who got married in her late 20s. I was at their wedding. The friend has had a struggle with weight all her life, but the husband was morbidly obese. I'm talking 400+ pounds. I didn't know him well, but by all accounts he was a fun loving, gregarious man. After they got married he gained even more weight. Their sex life declined further and further. She was being left out in the cold sexually. They were having trouble conceiving and eventually their sex life was bumped up to a once a week routine for the sake of procreation. When the Dr gave them the devastating news that both of them had infertility issues and that their chances of conceiving were almost 0, the sex they were having ceased again. She came to him one night, desperate to be made love to, and he finally told her "Baby that's why I bought you the Playboy channel. Go downstairs and take care of yourself". You can imagine her pain. What you might not be able to imagine is his shame.

When it comes to weight women get the bulk of the press. But men struggle just as badly, but usually in silence. I know. I was a fat kid who became an obese adult. I can't even begin to tell you what a detrimental impact obesity had on my mind, how I saw myself, the amount of psychological, spiritual and physiological works it's taken to get myself on track. And almost nobody who knows me would have guessed that for a second as I, an open person, was very private when it came to that.

As hard as this might be for you to see, there are scores of men who are so ashamed of their bodies that they'd rather NOT have sex than face the shame of lying the bed, buck naked, having to move their fat bodies in a sexual way. There are men who won't even take their shirt off in front of their lover. Hell some people are so sensitive to weight that they shirk away from sex with just 20-30 extra pounds, never mind 100 or more.

I don't know if weight is your husband's main issue, but I do think if that hasn't been explored, the reasons behind why he's chosen to become, and stay, obese than you both could be missing a huge piece of the puzzle as to why he's withdrawing from you.

It might not be you at all.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top