This may be a "Love Languages" issue.

credamdóchasgra · 02-08-2011, 07:49 PM

It occurred to me that I've been mistaken in my belief that I'm "doing so much more than my H" for our relationship.

What I'm doing is *different* than what he's doing.
I'm reading more, trying to converse more, trying to "fix" more, crying more, gnashing my teeth more, and it SEEMS like I'm reflecting and self-examining more (but I could be wrong).

But here's what he's been doing over the past few weeks:
making money, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, spending time with my family, spending time with me, bringing home movies I like, being happy for me when I get good news.

I'm picking up the challenge of "giving without the fear of not getting." (I'm a long way from this not being a "challenge.")

So this afternoon I showered, put on lingerie (which my H has mentioned I never bother wearing), and cooked dinner in it, which was ready by the time he got home from work. He was happy to come home to see me cooking dinner in pink lace.

He announced, "Here's my peace offering" and handed me a giant box of my favorite cookies, and gave me a hug and kiss.

As for Love Languages...ours are very different. We currently are not meeting each other's needs, or making each other "feel loved" in the language we need.

What I've been doing is trying to "get" him to love my in my language.
It's reasonable to want to be loved in my love language. BUT I'm not likely to receive that love if I "try to get it."

So instead of trying to "get," today I focused on "giving" him love in HIS language (um, sex and food

just kidding)

I know that working on myself (probably with individual therapy) will help me work through the things that have been getting in my way, and they could help my relationship.

I truly do not know if my husband will ever be able to love me in my language and meet my needs, or if I'll be able to do that for him. But we stand a better chance of getting to a mutual place, if each of us tries to DO that for the other, rather than get the OTHER person to do it. So yes, I fell again, and I'm getting back up...again.

I asked him, "What makes you feel loved?"
His answer:
"Lots of things. Going with the flow. Being appreciated."
Well, maybe I can deliver on those things, but I ain't gonna lie--maybe I can't.
BUT I AM TRYING TO!

I'm also quite aware that he is more attracted to me, respects me more, and possibly has more love to give, when he sees me being the confident, capable, independent, active "go-getter" of a person that he fell in love with. I should find and live like that person again FOR MY OWN SAKE, and if he welcomes her back, even better.

But the irony is that once I fell in love with him and became SO emotionally dependent on him, I became weaker, and less like the woman he fell in love with in the first place...this opens up a whole host of issues to be discussed in individual counseling...

Anyone who read through all this...THANK YOU!

credamdóchasgra · 02-08-2011, 08:03 PM

I forgot one important thing.

A better triage:

1. Self-care (of my needs)
2. Awareness of and respect for his needs
3. The expectation that he can meet my needs (which could be considerably mitigated if I get better at #1)

DawnD · 02-08-2011, 09:35 PM

Makes sense to me. What is your top need Crem?? Words of Affirmation??

greenpearl · 02-08-2011, 09:54 PM

Credam,

Your love language is Words of Affirmation.

His love language is Physical touch. Here I mean wonderful sex.

Just seduce your man with all these wonderful lingerie and sex, I am sure you will get a lot of compliments from him. And he will become slow in anger.

Most men are easy to handle, give them good sex and food, they become your slave!

credamdóchasgra · 02-08-2011, 10:05 PM

DawnD, it's obvious, right?

Mine are also physical touch and quality time. (is that one?)

I think his are acts of service and gifts.
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credamdóchasgra · 02-08-2011, 10:07 PM

And greenpearl, if physical touch means sex, then I guess that's a love language for him.
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greenpearl · 02-08-2011, 10:13 PM

Physical touch means holding hands, kissing, stroking, fondling,........ and SEX. Ask him what kind of sex he likes to have, then let him have that kind of sex. Men like doggy, it gives them great view of you. Of course not the kind of sex which will hurt you, like anal, you don't have to try anal if it hurts you! Try to be more different, men like this!

Now you know what he loves, just do what he loves, when his love tank is filled by you, he will have a lot of love to give to you back.

No more MC, I think it is wasting money too, you can save that money and buy sexy underwear. Here on TAM there are so many wonderful people who can give you good advice, you just need to take their advice. Sometimes it might hurt, but it is all good for you, no one here tries to hurt you intentionally, they all want to help you! Great thing about TAM. Designed to help people!

greenpearl · 02-08-2011, 10:23 PM

From what you described, I think your husband is a wonderful man. You guys just need to find out what each other like and then do the things you like.

If your husband says things which you find it hurt, you just need to tell him: Honey, what you have just said hurts.

Or if you didn't do anything wrong, and he is snappy at you, just tell him: hey, I haven't done anything wrong, please don't talk to me with that tone, it doesn't make me feel good! It works great for my husband and me. You don't need to raise your voice, you don't need to be upset, you just need to be firm and tell him what's in your mind. After a few times, he will get it and he will respect you for being this calm and rational!

credamdóchasgra · 02-09-2011, 10:02 AM

Greenpearl, you are caring lady and a wonderful wife, but if it were as easy as you say, we wouldn't have ended up in MC in the first place!

But yes, you have a point...I do make a bigger deal of things than necessary sometimes.

If I focus MORE on filling HIS love bank and less on trying to get MINE filled by him, it could lead to better days.

We had sex 3 times yesterday. 3 times. That's not typical. Right before bed we had relaxed, pleasant conversation (which is SUCH a huge part of what I want!) And he woke up kissing me and smiling instead of grumpy and surly.

So filling his love bank and "giving without the fear of not getting" is a good thing to do. BUT, I have to take care of myself at the same time, or I risk going into "needy" mode.

Hicks · 02-09-2011, 10:27 AM

I agree 100% with Greenpearl. Great advice given.
You have to have faith that by doing this your needs will be met. Asking that question, how do you feel more loved, that is a great question to ask your partner and keep asking and keep refining.

credamdóchasgra · 02-09-2011, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hicks

I agree 100% with Greenpearl. Great advice given.
You have to have faith that by doing this your needs will be met. Asking that question, how do you feel more loved, that is a great question to ask your partner and keep asking and keep refining.

Having faith means I keep at bay the part of me that starts to say, "Hey what about me?" and look for a return on the investment in his love bank.

Something else occurred to me, and I posted this in the "Sex" section:

When I "cooled down my emotional temp," I stopped giving him so much in HIS LL (physical touch), but he continued to show me love in his other LL (acts of service).

But if I aim to give him love in HIS LL (physical touch), he may be more inclined to give me love in my LL (words of affirmation).

By the way..."words of affirmation" doesn't sound like what this LL is for me. I would call it a "conversation" LL.

It's more like something vt said in another thread: understanding.
For me, that comes through *open, free, unrestricted conversation.* I feel a sense of relief and connection through talking to people close to me.

DawnD · 02-09-2011, 11:05 AM

Has your H actually taken the LL test Crem? I can't remember. If he hasn't I would definately ask him to, could always suprise you. I assumed for years that my H's top need was Physical touch, and I was WAY off base. He wanted words of affirmation A LOT. ( I am still working on fulfilling this more for him)

Are you looking for conversation from him, or validation?? Nothing wrong with either one of those, BTW

credamdóchasgra · 02-09-2011, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnD

Are you looking for conversation from him, or validation?? Nothing wrong with either one of those, BTW

Both.

No, he hasn't taken the test. And now ain't the time to ask him to. But at some point, that would be nice.

Hicks · 02-09-2011, 12:08 PM

I think you have more than one need or LL (everyone does)... Conversation and affirmation are 2 seperate things. What I think you should be doing is meeting his LL's...and simulatenousely a) acknowledging that YOU have work to do to meet his needs (as you have done with your question!) b) managing or guiding him into meeting your need for affiermation and conversation. It's just much easier to get him there when he is happy and does not percieve all the change to be on his side.

credamdóchasgra · 02-09-2011, 06:48 PM

We just got back from MC...which went better than it has in awhile, and I feel like things are starting to open up.

If I did one thing right, it was my commitment to stay focused on my issues and refuse to point the finger at him or get defensive.

He opened up when I did that.
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